air force humor

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription featuring Lyndon B. Johnson, Lady Bird Johnson, Judge Sarah T. Hughes, and Jacqueline Kennedy, aboard Air Force One, on November 22, 1963•

LADY BIRD: Hello, Judge Hughes! So good to see you!
LBJ: Hey Bird, can you stop smiling and acting so cheerful?
LADY BIRD: I’m just trying to be polite and greet Judge Hughes.
LBJ: I understand, but maybe today…especially right now…with you-know-who standing right next to me…you should probably turn down the sunshine.
JUDGE HUGHES: Mrs. Kennedy, how are you doing?
JACKIE: How am I doing?!
JUDGE HUGHES: Did you enjoy Texas?
LBJ: You know why you’re here, right, Judge Hughes?
JUDGE HUGHES: Of course. I’m just curious about Mrs. Kennedy’s thoughts about Texas.
JACKIE: Oh…ummm…I don’t know…someone just blew my husband’s head off while I was sitting next to him.
JUDGE HUGHES: Sure, that was a shame. But the weather was nice, wasn’t it?
LADY BIRD: Clear and warm for November, wouldn’t you say, Lyndon?
LBJ: I really think we should just bypass the pleasantries.
JUDGE HUGHES: Other than that one incident, Dallas sure did seem to love the President…or, loved the former President.
JACKIE: You mean other than the assassination?
JUDGE HUGHES: Yes, other than that the majority of your trip must have been fun. Fort Worth was nice, no? It’s a disappointment that you won’t get to see Austin.
LBJ: Let’s just move on, please.
JUDGE HUGHES: Of course. Mrs. Kennedy, did you want to go change?
JACKIE: I’m sorry…what?
JUDGE HUGHES: You seem to have dropped your hot dog all over your dress at lunch.
LBJ: Oh God.
JACKIE: No, that’s my husband’s blood and brains. From when someone shot and killed him just a few hours ago.
JUDGE HUGHES: And did you want to go change your clothes?
JACKIE: I want everyone to see what they did to my husband.
JUDGE HUGHES: Well, I don’t know if that’s appropriate for the swearing-in of a new President, but I guess that’s how you were raised. Just out of curiosity, who killed your husband?
LBJ: Not me!
JACKIE: I don’t know.
LADY BIRD: I think it was somebody in that brick building that we passed.
LBJ: And on that grassy knoll.
LADY BIRD: Probably Fidel Castro.
LBJ: And Khrushchev.
LADY BIRD: J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI obviously was involved.
LBJ: I bet Nixon had something to do with it.
LADY BIRD: I’m suspicious of the limo driver.
LBJ: Bobby can’t be trusted.
LADY BIRD: It might have been his Addison’s disease.
LBJ: Just swear me in as President and we’ll figure it out. I’ll put Carmen Sandiego on the case immediately.
JUDGE HUGHES: Yes, sir. Mrs. Kennedy, honey, did you want to take a few minutes to clean yourself up and, oh, I don’t know, maybe change your clothes?
JACKIE: Just administer the fucking oath of office.
LADY BIRD: Oh my.
JUDGE HUGHES: Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!
LADY BIRD: And slipped in a pile of blood and brains!
LBJ: –
JUDGE HUGHES: –
JACKIE: –
LADY BIRD: I did not mean to say that out loud. My apologies.
LBJ: Worst. Inauguration. Ever.

Let me preface this by saying that I love the Marine Corps. I’m a Soldier, yes, but I spent my first deployment with nothing but Marines so they’ll always hold a special place to me. Plus most of my friends that joined are now former Marines as is my ex brother in law.

HOWEVER, no one talks more senseless, self absorbed, ignorant bullshit about themselves more than a Marine. Here’s a REAL LIFE example that I in now way fabricated.

Soldier: “Hi, I’m a Soldier”.

Marine: “Knife hand, good to go, Army pussy, what’s your MOS?! …Beer”.

Soldier: “Well, kind sir, I have the honor of serving with the US Army Rangers”.

Marine: “So, you’re a giant pussy?”

And there you have it. Another fine example of the complete and total disregard for logic that most Marines employ.
To be fair, the Army is much much larger than the Marine Corps and in my personal opinion, the Marine Corps by ratio has just as many shit bags as we do. It’s just way more obvious with us because there’s a fuck-ton more of us.

Long story short, who’s on bottom in this picture with perfect form? A Soldier. A boot no less! And who’s on top with the absolute worst form? A Marine.

Of course GENERALLY SPEAKING, Marines tend to be in better shape than everyone else, but I just wanted to take this rare opportunity to talk a little shit about a Marines push-ups for once. It’s not everyday I get to do that.