ahs:-s1-e3

Smash It
  • Smash It
  • Fuzz Townshend
  • Smash It (ECSCD47)
Play

FUZZ TOWNSEND ‘Smash It’
from the album ‘FAR IN’
1999 Fruition

This tracks comes in, just as we whip over to the reception of ‘FLAPS’ magazine for some Patrick Cox confusion.
Fuzz Townsend’s album ‘FAR IN’ is a rather overlooked little gem, which we shall be hearing more of later.

S1 E3 part 11

back at the condo, the bachelorette gets yet another piece of correspondence that harkens back to the days when pen pals used real pens. she’s so lucky. inside the envelope is, a totally fake-looking bleached skull: 

a nice process photo of somebody making capsules:

aaaaand OMG!

wait does it say BROTHER on her homeopathic bottle OMG YES IT DOES!

then there’s also a picture of the guy she killed with his arm around OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!

so like PROBABLY THIS LADY IS THE SISTER OF THE GUY THE GIRL KILLED AND SHE TRICKED THE GIRL INTO EATING HIS BONES USING SPAM! the crime of the century. there’s no way that plan COULDN’T have worked, right? anyway it’s cool that the guy’s bones have such powerful calming abilities. fuck western medicine, guys, seriously.

S1 E3 part 9

while waiting for the leather mama to arrive, business guy casually watches a scary snuff film where mrs. beal uses his client BABY-MEDCO’s equipment in an act of infanticide, courtesy darknet which must be the most popular and easy to find underground website in the universe.

surprisingly or totally not at all, the weird brunette appears in her weird outfit, instead of the dominatrix. it looks like maybe she has some schmutz on her. leaving her outside, business guy makes another complaint, and also makes a really weird decision.

he doesn’t really sound that into the fact that the second replacement hooker comes with a gigantic fucking strap-on and a beating stick. but, what are you gonna do, i guess! he goes for it. now…i hate to sound conservative. i don’t wanna put anybody in a box. but being flogged with something that is designed to hurt and scare horses, and getting fucked in the asshole with a gigantic hunk of plastic, don’t really seem like sex acts that are in the category of “well…ok, if i have to”. i feel like people either ask for them by name, or really don’t want anything to do with them ever. i guess i should assume that this guy is just like, really broadminded, but i’m afraid i just can’t buy this transition. i guess I’M the jerk here. at least she’s not apparently identical to the previous two escorts.

S1 E3 part 3

for a show that SEEMS to be an anthology but REALLY shows intersecting events in the same reality, Darknet consistently fails to make you curious about how everything is going to add up. it’s always like, oh good, here’s another thing that has nothing to do with anything else. anyway, that’s how i felt when this “teenage” babysitter arrives at the home of a mom whose kid has unspecified special needs. at first. i was pretty excited though, to discover that the kid is somewhere in the building, hooked up to a vast network of technology from the mysterious BABY-MEDCO! all that shit is beeping like crazy.

mrs. beal invents a super awesome insult to combat this prying little asshole: “childless teen”. let’s make “childless teen” the slur of 2015. i mean how is the state supposed to handle the strain of supporting all these childless teens flooding our great country? meanwhile, mrs. beal also insists that nothing is wrong, and Darknet insists on not telling me why there’s like a million different kinds of containers of a pee-ish substance all over the house. i’m just telling you right now, you’ll never know either. anyway, when the BABY-MEDCO shit flatlines, the “teenager” springs into action, following the sound of Creepy Nursery Music™ to this curiously decorated room:

at least it’s not a bunch of antique porcelain dolls? maybe those left-on choking hazardy tags make this EXTRA SCARY. even scarier is that the baby is a FULL-ON DUDE.

screaming!