ahs thaddeus

after fake ah crew ryan makes the inevitable mistake of mentioning to the rest of the crew that ryan is actually his middle name, there’s a crew-wide mad scramble to be the first person to figure out what ryan’s first name is

after gavin’s attempt (searching for records with ryan’s full name) and ray’s attempt (following ryan around for two straight hours continuously saying “tell me what it is. tell me what it is. tell me what it–”) fail miserably, the crew starts just shouting whatever they’re guessing is ryan’s complete name at full volume at any given moment during the day

typically, these guesses start normal and get progressively more ridiculous.

  • “brad ryan haywood, do we need any eggs?” michael shouts across seven aisles at the grocery store.
  • “nathaniel ryan haywood, i need more ammo!” gavin yelps mid-heist, to the intense confusion of like six cops in the immediate area.
  • “thaddeus ryan haywood the third, i probably should have picked a shorter name because there’s a live grenade at your feet,” ray hollers cheerfully.
  • “elizabeth ryan haywood, i will not tolerate behavior like that on a heist,” geoff says like a dad, wincing when ryan just keeps firing rockets out the window of the car.
  • “juan filipe ryan haywood, i will turn this car around,” jack adds like a mom, grinning when ryan twists around in his seat to shout really?

“it’s james!” ryan shouts one afternoon, after a string of names ryan’s pretty sure are found only in high fantasy novels. “it’s fucking james, oh my god.”

sulking, gavin hands a stack of bills over to a triumphant geoff.

ray wrinkles his nose. “i think i liked thaddeus better,” he says. “i’m just gonna keep calling you thaddeus.”

RAY.”