Tsukiyama's Scary Story
Please listen to the audio while you’re reading it, since Tsukiyama is such an excellent (and dramatic) storyteller, and the audio makes it 1000x better XD Also, anything in these [ ] brackets are add-ons from me, to explain some of the dialogue that’s ambiguous or confusing. And if there’s something I mistranslated, please let me know!!
Update (June 4, 2016): I fixed up the translation, since it’s been over a year and I realized just how awful my translation was then. It should be a lot better now…
Part 1: 6th ward, Kaneki’s Hideout
Kaneki: As she slowly lifted her head…
Kaneki: The pale woman laughed devilishly and said…
Kaneki: IT’S YOU!!
Kaneki: The end.
Banjou: That was scary…you went too far!!
Jiro: Banjou-san, you think you’ll be able to go to the bathroom now, ha ha?!
Hinami: Onii-chan, you’re so mean!!
Kaneki: Ahaha, sorry about that…
Kaneki: Well then, next is…
(Someone knocks on the door.)
Hinami: Waa (startled)!
Tsukiyama: Monsieur and mademoiselle, may I ask what are you doing right now? [Yes, I know it should be “messieurs
et and mesdemoiselles” but that’s how Tsukiyama is pronouncing it.]
Kaneki: Ah, Tsukiyama-san.
Hinami: We’re having a scary story competition.
Tsukiyama: Hmm? Horror show…if that’s the case, then may I tell a precious scary story of mine as well?
Kaneki: Tsukiyama-san, are you sure you can tell scary stories?
Tsukiyama: OF COURSE! Please, take a seat.
(Creepy music starts playing.)
Tsukiyama: This was when I was only “eleven” years old…
Tsukiyama: While I was sleeping, I felt a presence near my feet so I immediately opened my eyes. It was “ushi three time” on the dot…
Banjou: “Ushi three time”?
Kaneki: Don’t you mean “three in the morning”? [Kaneki says “ushimitsudoki” or 丑三つ時. “Mitsu” means “three”, and “doki” means “time”, so Tsukiyama is saying the kanji’s literal meaning in English.]
Tsukiyama: Getting out of bed, I gazed at the presence in the darkness, and just four metres away from the edge of the bed was…
Kaneki: Wait a second. Four metres away from the edge of the bed? Tsukiyama-san, where were you sleeping?
Tsukiyama: Uh…”where”? Where I usually sleep, of course…but…can I continue my story? [Tsukiyama’s room is gigantic, that bastard.]
Tsukiyama: In my line of sight, at the edge of the bed…an old lady with messy hair gave me a wide grin…my young self called for the servant immediately and told her that there was a degenerate.
Tsukiyama: Matsumae! Matsumaeeee!
Matsumae: What happened, Shuu-sama!?
Tsukiyama: But even though we looked everywhere, there was no sign of the old woman…but a few days after that “lunatic” night…
Tsukiyama: I felt the presence again. I opened my eyes in the middle of the night. Turning my gaze to the edge of the bed, this time there were two old ladies…!
Jiro: They multiplied.
Kaneki: They definitely did.
Tsukiyama: I was now feeling “crazy and psycho”, so that night I decided to try and calm myself by playing Chopin…
(Tsukiyama starts playing the piano.)
Tsukiyama: WAAAAAAAAAA!!! AHHHH, AHHHH, AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Tsukiyama: After that, the old lady didn’t visit for a while, but…a few months later, I felt a strange air around me, so I opened my eyes.
Tsukiyama: I’d never had a “so bad feeling” until now, “oily sweat” dripping down my forehead…
Kaneki: Do you mean "greasy” sweat? [Tsukiyama says “oily sweat” in English, while Kaneki says the same thing in Japanese.]
Tsukiyama: My mouth is “shake me”, slowly I “open my eyes”…at which point…
(Door crashes open.)
Tsukiyama: IT’S A MONSTER PARADE!! SCARY WHAT’S A HORROR SHOW…!!!
Tsukiyama: FANATIC CRISIS!!
(Jiro: I’m so confused!)
Tsukiyama: CRAZY CRAZY MEEEEEEE!!!
Hinami: I don’t understand any of this!!
Tsukiyama: …there were a hundred old ladies, squirming around, crowded in my seventy square metre room!!
Tsukiyama: The next day, I heard from my papa that there was a period of time in the Tsukiyama residence in which meat from old ladies were being moved. It seemed that those old ladies’ lost souls arrived in my room.
Tsukiyama: So how was it? Was it scary?
Kaneki: In the end, the scariest thing of all might be ghouls…