ah this is on my bookmark

“Jack,” Bitty whines, throwing his head back. “I am so tired. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Come on, Bits. You’re almost there,” Jack says encouragingly.

“But I’m so sleepy,” Bitty complains. “My arms are heavy. My fning—ah!” Bitty huffs. “My fingers hurt. Listen, I’m slurrin’ all my words.”

“Look at me.”

Bitty spins the desk chair to look at Jack, and pouts.

“You do look tired.” Jack gazes at him, eyes narrowing.

So tired,” Bitty professes. “I’ll finish up tomorrow.”

Jack sighs. “That essay is due at nine am.”

Bitty bites his lip. He’s well aware of that. “Sleep though, Jack. Sleep.”

“You hate waking up early,” Jack points out with a raised eyebrow.

“Once every now and then is fine.” Bitty tries to say it with conviction.

Jack puts his bookmark in his paperback. “How long until you’re finished?” Jack asks. “Referenced and proof-read finished, not first draft finished,” he adds before Bitty can reply.

Bitty shuts his mouth against his automatic response of twenty minutes.

“Uh… Maybe an hour?”

Jack checks the time on his watch, which he’d placed on the bedside table earlier.

“Alright.” Jack stands up and stretches, then gestures for Bitty to come over to him.

“Thank god,” Bitty mutters under his breath, saving his document and shutting the laptop without powering down.

He drags his body over to Jack’s and falls into him. He wraps his arms around his boyfriend and presses his face into Jack’s chest, breathing deeply. He loves how Jack smells. Like soap, and his deodorant, and a little bit of sweat.

Jack’s hands crawl up Bitty’s back, under his shirt, and he rocks Bitty gently side-to-side. Bitty swears he could fall asleep just like this.

Then Jack’s hands start to wander; down to Bitty’s ass, slipping under the elastic of his track pants. Bitty shivers as Jack’s nails scratch the skin, and when he leans back to ask Jack what he’s doing, Jack kisses him.

Normally, when Jack initiates, it’s soft—he appreciates a slow build up. Tonight is different. Jack pushes against Bitty immediately, leaning into him and over him so that Bitty’s body curves back harshly, and Jack seems even taller than normal.

Jack kisses and kisses, his lips moving and sucking on Bitty’s with fervour. Bitty matches him, suddenly wide-awake, and his hands move to bury themselves in Jack’s hair as he attempts to meld his lips to Bitty’s.

“Oh my god. Jack,” Bitty pants and Jack moves on, kissing harshly down his jawline. Bitty’s lips feel swollen and tender when he bites down on one.

Jack pulls back and smiles down, flushed, eyes alight. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know,” Bitty confesses breathlessly, still reeling from the enthusiasm and spontaneity.

“Awake?” Jack asks.

Bitty nods frantically. “Oh yeah. Definitely. Yes.”

“Good.” Jack steps back from Bitty, and grabs his shoulders to turn him around. He leans in close, chest pressing against Bitty’s shoulders, and puts his lips against Bitty’s ear. “Now, go finish your essay.”

Jack shoves a speechless Bitty back toward the desk.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

So the bird Inquisitor thing is my jam rn, could you do DA:I companions react to an avian Inquisitor who's in the process of molting? Non gif - Romances if possible c: Thank you!

Cassandra: She thinks it’s sort of funny at first, but then less so when their feathers are EVERYWHERE. She asks them if they can somehow manually get them all off to halt their process of leaving feathers all over. She grumbles at the mess, but does feel a little bad for them when she sees them itching. If Romanced: She tries to help get the molting feathers off, or at least itch a little in places he can’t reach. “Maker’s Breath,” she says, “how many feathers do you even have?” “Not enough for you to have to spend forever with me. A pity.” he teases, and she groans but laughs.

Iron Bull: “Man, where were you when we did that job trying to scare the shit out of that noble? We could have used all these feathers.” He just suggests flapping them vigorously to see if that helps get them all off. If Romanced: He suggests some exercise to “REALLY ruffle those loose feathers right off. Repeatedly, if you want.” His bedroom is absolutely COVERED in feathers later, but he doesn’t complain.

Blackwall: He just takes it in stride, laughing as they sneeze and kick up a whirlwind of feathers. “Here,” he offers, handing them a wooden back-scratcher, “made this for you. Maybe it’ll help, eh?” He may take a feather to use as a reference when carving his rocking griffons. If Romanced: She’s embarrassed by the mess when he comes up to her room, but he gets a kick out of it. “It’s not so bad,” he laughs, “at least I can find you for a kiss. It’s a little trail of Inquisitor-ness.”

Sera: She collects some of them for pranks, and has to compete with Leliana’s agents and Josephine’s cleaners for them. It’s all worth it, though, she cackles as she prepares to dump feathers on nobles after getting glue on them and tickling feet and noses. “You ought to drop your feathers more often, and tell me first.” she laughs. If Romanced: She calls first dibs right away, but fewer of them are used for pranks. Instead, she saves them and hides them for herself, though she tucks feathers into places she can see readily to remind her of her girlfriend. She also gets the spots her girlfriend can’t reach.

Varric: “Hold on, get those feathers in a bag– I’m going to feather-bomb the Merchant’s Guild the next time they start asking me to respond to their letters.” Alas, he has to compete with several others going for the feathers, so he gives up on the idea and salvages a few to keep as backup quills. “Tell me ahead of time you molt, next time. I swear it’ll be a great prank.”

Cole: His main concern is trying to alleviate the Herald’s itching and irritation, because no one is hurting because of the molting but them– in fact, most of Skyhold finds it mildly amusing, if anything. “Don’t itch. The hurt will be worse.” he warns. “Vivienne can make medicine that helps. Raw, tickling, itching irritation, wind carrying scales of color away, it must be hard…”

Vivienne: She wrinkles her nose at the mess and arranges for a tailor to make them “wingsocks” to contain the feathers– “Before all of Skyhold is covered in feathers.” she says dryly. She also scolds them if they itch at raw spots too much– “it will make the itching worse.” Instead, she offers a cream that’s supposed to help soothe itching.

Dorian: “Ah. Molting season, I see.” he says dryly as some spots on their wings are bare and feathers follow them wherever they go. “Just do be careful up in the library, else I’ll find my nook covered in feathers. Josephine is already fussing over the mess your feathers are making.” He might pick up one or two to use as bookmarks. If Romanced: He takes some time to try to get loose feathers free and clean them up. “Amatus, you’re positively a mess.” he teases. “Fortunately for you, I find it sort of charming.”

Solas: There’s not much they can do about it, so he doesn’t find reason to comment much. His nose does wrinkle in distaste, though, as feathers always land on the floor, on the desk, on the bed in his room in the rotunda whenever they go through it. If Romanced: He finds it sort of amusing, really. He gets at spots she can’t get and steals a feather for himself.

Josephine: She has to ask some poor workers to clean up the feathers– they pile up quickly and make quite a mess. She cringes as nobles and visitors pick up feathers to keep, and even as a few Orlesians offer to scratch at particular itchy spots to relieve them, in exchange for the feathers. The DeLauncets even offer to pay for all of the feathers for some sort of… pillow or bed composed of the feathers. Josephine doesn’t want to ask or know. If Romanced: She’s sympathetic to their struggling, and in her time off, massages any irritated or itchy parts of their wings, in spite of the feathers rapidly dropping off. 

Cullen: “Maker’s breath, what a mess.” he grouses as he tip-toes over a pile of feathers or two. He has the decency to not make a single comment, however. If Romanced: He follows the feather trail right to her to give her a kiss. She giggles and asks if he minds the mess. “Not at all,” he laughs, “the feathers are almost as beautiful as you.”

Leliana: She advises collecting the feathers for use later. She uses them to throw off Venatori in the field, who follow the feathers thinking it leads to the Inquisitor. It works effectively. “Do let me know ahead of time next time you start molting.” she says cheerfully.

Mouth Like Heaven, Kisses Like Stars

aka, the time when everything goes downhill and bellamy just goes down.

(or, bellamy called clarke princess again so obviously i had to take that and run  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

wc: 2 417
rated: E
read on ao3 here

“If you keep frowning like that, you’re going to get stress lines before you’re thirty.”

Clarke doesn’t even bother to glance over at Bellamy, who’s leaning against a tree and definitely not helping while she looks for the herb they came for.

“As if you’re one to talk,” she scoffs.

“I have a youthful glow,” he shoots back. “I’m going to continue looking twenty three even when I’m well into my forties.”

“If you live long enough to be forty,” she mutters under her breath.

There’s the sound of his foot hitting the undergrowth as he stands straight once more. “Clarke,” he says, the fond teasing cadence of his voice from before all but gone now.

“I know, I know. Stop talking about death so much.”

“You need to loosen up, princess.”

“I have no idea how to that.”

She can hear him shuffling around until he’s right behind her and she turns to look up at him, his overgrown fringe falling into his eyes like a sheepdog’s.

“Well,” he starts, “You can read a book, take a walk, try to knit. Maybe even join Harper for some beat time on the train dummy.” He pauses and then throws her a wicked smirk. “And there’s also sex of course.”

She doesn’t quite choke on nothing, but comes fairly close to it.

“Come again?”

“That’ll help loosen you up even more.”

Bellamy.”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Hi! I really like how you made the bookmark(?) thingy for S&P,it's really cute! Poods-violent chibi, Marki-half-robot with a too heavy hand(lol), Kenny-blushing,supposedly scary bear,Cry-romantic(?) gentleman and Jacky-cinnamon roll that needs to be protected(you can see who's my favourite here lol). I hope you guys all the best for S&P! ^^ Love you all soooo much

ah u mean this? ヾ(〃^∇^)ノ♪

thanks a lot ! i worked kinda hard on it and that was fun !

You perfectly described all of them! Glad u took the time to tell me this !8u8 that’s totally adorable of u ! (ノ^ヮ^)ノ*:・゚✧  

Thankies for your support! //gives a cookie// 

anonymous asked:

I wish you would write a fic where steve figures out that he really likes getting pushed around. Like, we all know he needs to get wrecked, but does STEEB know? How does he feel about always needing to jerk off after intense hand to hand, or all his fantasies involving him tied up and on his knees?

Ah yes… Wreck Steve Rogers 2k17

any thrill will do

Steve/Bucky, Sam/Steve and Steve/various, ~3k

He stumbles upon an article on the internet that talks about “the illusion of danger” and “fantasies of consensual ravishment or agreed-to aggression” and “willing, or empowered, submission or surrender”. The article says things like it’s the wish to be beyond will, beyond thought. It claims that ultimately, choosing to forfeit control may not be to lose it … but to powerfully assert it.

Steve doesn’t know what to think about the article. He bookmarks it just in case.

(In which Steve has dirtybadwrong fantasies.)

Fic Rec Days, Day 1

Discworld recs

We Must Tend our Garden, by DesdemonaKaylose.

This is a really beautifully written Small Gods fic, very thoughtful and delicate and wonderfully characterised.

Modern Love, by Penknife.

I think of this fic as a fandom classic; it’s central to how I think of Discfic, and central to what I think Discfic should be, ie, following Pterry in pushing for inclusion in all its forms.

Trouser Legs, by bookhobbit.

I can’t not mention this. Quite aside from it being wonderful and heartwarming and soft, it, ah, it started things. Started me down my very own trouserleg of time, if you will.

Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit recs

One Single Sunlit Day More, by feverishsea.

I don’t actually remember much about this fic, because I read it forever ago, but I was a) moved to comment back in the days when i had So Much social anxiety over commenting, and b) bookmarked it, and c) added ‘utterly perfect’ to the bookmark.

Elves in Love, by Evandar.

ELVES. DWARVES. Need I say more. This is a lovely, gorgeously written sequence of fics on elf/dwarf romances, some canon, some canon. (Legolas/Gimli is canon you cannot take this from me).

Hidden Cries

Characters: Jaemin x You

Requested: No

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 2,047

*TRIGGER WARNING!* Talks about Child Abuse, Suicide

MASTERLIST


You lived beside the smiley and all-popular boy, Jaemin. Your neighbour gave out the perfect example in school: outstanding grades, excellent sportsmanship, and not a day missed of school. The typical boy-next-door.

However, that wasn’t what you saw when he was headed home. You would get on the same train, where his charming smile would abruptly stop. You always walked behind him, watching as he’d hesitantly push in his pin code.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Can I request a scenerio where Jungkook sees this girl at the café and she's always reading a book or writing something in her notebook and he's intrigued by her but is too shy to approach her at first so he gets help from the other guys especially the 95line? Please and thank you in advance! <3~

haha this sounds so cute~

Jungkook sat amongst the rest of the members while they all conversed, but unlike usual, he wasn’t immersed in the words. Instead, he was watching you sitting by yourself while reading a novel that you purchased at the bookstore across the street.

He was more or less mesmerized. In your seat, you looked angelic. His eyes couldn’t leave you, no matter how hard he tried to stop staring. You were just too beautiful.

“Hey, Jungkook, drink your coffee. I didn’t buy it so that it could get cold. If you’re not gonna drink it, I want my money back,” Yoongi tsked. Jungkook shook his head out of the trance you’d put him in and looked back at his members and sighed.

“Hyung, do you see her?” He asked Yoongi quietly. Yoongi followed his eyes to where you sat and smiled.

“Her? Do you think she’s pretty?”

Jungkook nodded slightly. “…Yeah. But, I can’t approach her, so-”

“Why can’t you approach her?” Namjoon asked. By this point, the rest of the members had listened in. Jungkook sighed with now having all of their attention.

“I… We’re not allowed to date, right? And even if we were, who’s to say she would like me?”

“Why wouldn’t she like you? You’re a good guy, Jungkook,” Hobi complimented.

“Yeah!” Jimin chimed. “And you’re handsome! ARMYs love you a lot. Just go talk to her!”

The members all cheered him on so loudly that the customers started to look up at their table. Jungkook’s eyes fell to you immediately. You seemed so immersed in your book that you didn’t even notice the influx of noise. He cleared his throat.

“What would I… what would I say?”

“Go over and ask her what she’s reading,” Taehyung suggested. “Ask her about it, who it’s by…”

“That’s so boring. Ask her that if you want her to think that you’re a dull human being. Compliment her. Tell her she’s pretty,” Jimin offered. Jin waved them off.

“Why are you two giving him advice? Jungkook, listen to your eldest hyung. Girls like guys that are generous. Offer to buy her more coffee.”

“What if she turns it down?” Jungkook asked, feeling nervous. You could get up and leave at any moment, and while he wanted to say something (you were too pretty for him to let you walk away without at least knowing what your name was), he was also scared. He hadn’t approached a girl before. And while he felt bolder these days, he still choked up around cute girls.

The members quickly grew silent until Jimin chimed.

“Oh! Remember what Tony said? You can sing! That’ll get her attention!”

“In a coffee shop? You want him to sing in a coffee shop? We’ll get kicked out.”

“Give her one of our albums, then, so she can listen to it later.”

“What—she’s not gonna want an album. She’s gonna want his number. Give her your number.”

“But she could be a sasaeng. What if she shares his number with everyone?”

Their suggestions turned into conversations that Jungkook tuned out again. Instead, he watched you carefully, wondering if he’d be able to let you go without saying anything. There’d been so many times where he’d seen a beautiful girl walk by without saying a word. But you… you were on an entirely different level. He couldn’t just let you walk away.

“…flex his muscles, and she’ll fall in love,” Jungkook heard Jimin offer up as he listened back to their suggestions, only to see the members turn that horrific idea down.

The members all turned as you stood from your seat and put your book under your arm. You began to head out the door, and they patted Jungkook’s shoulder roughly.

“There’s your chance! Hurry! Before she leaves!” They all hissed at him. But he was frozen. He couldn’t explain the sheer fear he felt, how embarrassed he was and how afraid he’d be to approach someone. You walked farther and farther, until you were out the door, making the members all slump their shoulders.

“Ah, our Jungkook,” Hoseok chimed. “One day, you’ll-”

Before Hoseok’s sentence was complete, Jungkook rose out of his seat, noticing that your bookmark fell out of your book. It was like his golden ticket to talking to you, he was so excited. He grabbed it quickly and walked out the café, looking in both directions until he saw you, not too far away.

“H-hey! Excuse me, hey!” He went to your quickly, and when you turned to look at him, he stopped in his tracks.

She’s even prettier up close, he thought to himself.

“Yes?”

“Th-this…” he said, feeling his throat go dry. “This… fell… your book, it fell… out of… it.”

You could only smile at his broken sentence. Why was he so shy? “Oh! My bookmark… thank you! Aish, I hope I can remember what page I was on,” you hummed while searching through the pages quickly. He cleared his throat.

“What… wh-what book are you reading?”

“It’s a collection of Emily Dickinson’s poems. I’m studying American Literature and poetry.”

“Ah,” he nodded. He could feel the conversation going dry, so he smiled tightly. “Well, it was nice meeting you!” He tried to turn away, but he could see his members sticking their heads out of the door, watching him talk to you. They waved for him to go back and continue the conversation.

He turned back around to you, happy to see that you didn’t see the show Bangtan had just put on as you were still searching through your book.

“So, do you live here?”

“For now, yes. I may move in the future, though. Seoul is pretty expensive, isn’t it?”

Jungkook froze. Not for him, it wasn’t. The company paid for Bangtan’s apartment, and he didn’t once have to think of the price of living out here since he’d trained. Did you not know that he was an idol? Should he tell you?

He just nodded. “Yeah, it’s pretty expensive out here…” He laughed nervously.

You smiled. “Well, I have a date that I’m late for-”

“A date?” He asked, and immediately cursed himself. He didn’t want to seem too desperate, but were you in a relationship?

You nodded. “Yeah, I have to meet my sister for lunch.”

He tried not to sigh in relief. “Ah, well, it was nice meeting you…” When you noticed his hesitation, you told him your name. He smiled. “Nice to meet you, ____. I’m Jungkook.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Jungkook. Have a good day, okay?” You began to walk off, and Jungkook clenched his fists.

“Actually—can I… can I have your number?”

You were a bit caught off guard by his question. You were happy, but also a bit shocked. You were getting the sense that he thought you were unaware that he was an idol, which wasn’t true (in fact, you really liked BTS, and keeping your composure in front of him was proving to be difficult). But did he like you? He wanted your number! You had to give it to him.

You ripped off a piece of your bookmark and wrote your number down on it before handing it to him.

“I’ll call you,” he said while trying to hide the smile on his face. You smiled.

“I’ll anticipate your call,” you waved goodbye again and walked off finally, just as Jungkook turned around and walked by to the café with the biggest smile on his face.

-

I hope I made this cute enough. Thank you for the submission! ~

agataluz  asked:

You always talks about Johnlock fanfiction here, when someone asks. But, asking about you, what are your favorite types of Johnlock fanfiction?

Hi Lovely!

Are you just asking specifically what my favourite genres are? Because I am as vanilla as they come, Lovely! 

For me, I have a REALLY hard time getting into fanfics that are out of character or aren’t canon-compliant… I CAN DO IT, just, the characters HAVE TO BE IN CHARACTER. So like, AU’s? I can get into them IF John and Sherlock are similar to how the show portrays them; I’ve read some pretty good Vampire!Lock, Wing!lock and Insert Odd AU Here!lock fics, so I’m not completely away from AU’s. I do liken some crossover fics for some reason (Perdition’s Flames is one of my favourite crossovers, because Sherlock IS still Sherlock. The other one I like is a Red Dwarf / Sherlock crossover that is no longer online). Just if I can’t be engaged in the universe in the first few paragraphs, then I don’t continue reading it.

I also love pre-slash to slash; it’s the slow burn that I love. ADORE IT. Just burn me insides until I get my happy ending. Absolutely. I can get behind a FEW angsty fics, but I like feeling fluffy at the end of it all.

My FAVOURITE POV is from Sherlock’s; I think it’s because I relate to his character and I LOVE him so much, and I believe he is SO in love with John, and I LOVE reading his inner thoughts / actions into either hiding it or just over-describing how beautiful John is or how obsessed with John he is. It’s so lovely.

Some of my absolute favourite tropes:

Oh god there’s so many more tropes, but these are the ones that hit all my buttons right away and make me happy. As for some more of my personal fic recs, I’ve made a few more of my own lists here that you can check out:

Wow, okay I never intended to add fics to this post, and if I don’t post it I’m just gonna keep adding more, but there you are, here are my happy things. I have so many fics to re-read; y’all have no idea how many people I have in my asks asking what my personal recs are for specific topics, so I’m still working on that, hah hah!

@readingintimeandspace because you asked me the other day for some of my fave fics :)

anonymous asked:

So your fics are amazing and I'm new to the fandom and have read them all. So any bts fic recs?

Ah thank you so much dude! I’m actually writing up a storm right now. And sure thing! I have a tag for fic recs, and here are some random recent ones I’ve read and really enjoyed: 

These are just some from my bookmarks, but I have an in-progress fic rec post that’s pretty huge so…. hopefully I get around to posting that?? But if you have a pairing/vibe that you like, let me know and I can rec you something specific!

[ENG Trans] JB on Urbanlike Magazine October edition Interview
  • Q: There’s this strong impression of JB that he’s a leader who carries heavy responsibilities on his shoulders. Have you heard about this a lot?
  • JB: I don’t think I can say that I can’t feel the responsibilities or burden as a leader. But now, before we also know it, it’s been 3 years for us. Each of us, to some extent, had accumulated experience, and so we’ve grown to believe we can do well on our own. Thanks to that, more than the start, I think I can let go of my burden.
  • Q: Also because the members have all somehow become more mature.
  • JB: Exactly. Now if I want to say something or stop them from doing something, I think it’d be like nagging, so now if it’s not something that should be corrected when we gather up for a meeting, I wouldn’t say it.
  • Q: It’s a relief that you’ve become more comfortable. To JB, I thought books would somehow be a breakthrough for your leader’s responsibilities and burden, wouldn’t it?
  • JB: I think I read a lot of self-improvement books. I’m sure that it has helped me a lot with me being a leader. When you read self-improvement books, you’d think “I need to be careful in this situation”, and I can recognize it if it happens again. I also think I read analects quite well. Without me even knowing, I’m able to gain comfort from those kind of books, so I like them.
  • Q: Have you ever looked for self-improvement books more about positions in the team?
  • JB: I’ve read books deliberately on self-improvement in leadership’s cases. How to do it, am I able to become a little better at being a leader. I also thought that I wanted to live like a decent human. Even if I can’t live being formal every second, I want to keep a certain standard.
  • Q: Anyhow, the position of a leader is difficult, isn’t it?
  • JB: It was difficult at the beginning. I wanted the members to open up comfortably, and it’s been like so, but somehow I think from the “leader” position there’s the next limit. For example, there are times when you have to speak sternly, as a leader, but if that situation builds up, since when, the members would also conceal their weakness, or the bad parts of them that they don’t want to be seen. Then later on, when I came to know, I’d be like “If they were to be honest, I wouldn’t have said anything back then. Why did they hide it?”, I get upset thinking that the members were hiding. I think that kind of situation that can’t be helped is a bit difficult. But now I tell the members not to think of me as a leader, but a teammate. I think now all 7 people have shared the responsibility of the leader position.
  • Q: Have JB-ssi enjoyed reading since you were young?
  • JB: I used to just went straight to sleep when I read books. I was first immersed in books through fantasy novels. I couldn’t remember exactly what book, but I was somehow so concentrated that I drew out the world inside the book in my head. I think that’s how I came to find books interesting. There’s a hyung who danced with me enjoyed reading self-improvement books and analects, and as I read the books that hyung recommended me every once in a while, I naturally came to read books.
  • Q: You came to pick up reading under the influence of someone, and now you’ve become someone to influence someone else to read books. We heard that the largest part of Jinyoung-ssi liking books was from JB-ssi.
  • JB: Rather than recommending a book, I remember giving a hint to Jinyoung who didn’t read books like he does now, by saying “How about reading?”. I didn’t say anything but “Reading is really good. It helps a lot.” Jinyoung began to read one or two books. I think that him reading consistently until now is because he likes it himself.
  • Q: Do you also usually talk to each other about books?
  • JB: I recommend the books that I liked, and I as I say to Jinyoung “This book might be fun,” there are also some books that I gave him. Jinyoung is currently reading "The Big Picture" from Douglas Kennedy. Then we’d talk about it, right? “Up to where have you read? Then if you read a little bit more there’ll be this aggravating part.” (laughs)
  • Q: I’ve also thought about GOT7’s image in the waiting room. You might have different ways to spend your own time, but how was time mostly spent?
  • JB: If we go on music broadcast, we spend almost all of our day in the waiting room. If during the time we don’t do anything, time will go on meaninglessly, doesn’t it? That’d be a waste, also when we practiced singing while traveling. I’ve tried working on music. Among those, the most effective way to spend time was to read books. While reading books, if there was a good word, I’d write it down. I think that’s the simplest way too, to be able to make good use of time, so I mostly read books in the waiting room.
  • Q: Anyhow, I think that because you’ve been together with Jinyoung-ssi since JJ Project, you’d have particular sentiment towards each other. Now you’re influencing each other in reading too.
  • JB: That’s right. We don’t go that far to discuss about books, but sometimes we talk about the books each of us read from time to time. “I thought about it this way, but I guess Jinyoungie thinks that way.” When that kind of talk comes up, I think I get inspired. More than anything, the thing I learnt from Jinyoung, I think it’s him managing himself thoroughly. Looking at him not neglecting to manage himself, I feel the lead of my goal changing for sure.
  • Q: What kind of book are you reading now?
  • JB: I’m reading Alein de Botton’s "Essays in Love". I’m still at the early stage of the book so I’m still reading the part that’s overflowing with love. But it has sort of a difficult feeling. I started with saying I read a novel, but I have a feeling that I think I need to learn about words or expressions.Q: They say when reading books, if you look back at yourself you’d feel embarrassed. I’m curious when you ever felt that sentiment.
  • JB: When I read self-improvement books, I think I’ve felt that. I don’t think people can be perfect, but when I can’t do something I already knew or there’s something I can’t do properly, I feel embarrassed on my own. I started reading self-improvement books and fix my weaknesses. Looking at the things I can’t carry on properly, I feel doubtful as of why I read these.
  • Q: Even so, what’s your reason of reading?
  • JB: I think I want to relieve my stress through reading. I also want to feel the story inside the books and its emotions. There are a lot of things that are similar to the cases in novels, aren’t there? When you put yourself in the shoes of some character, you’d feel the same emotions that character feels just through reading. The book "The Moment" (Douglas Kennedy) was like so. Set in Germany in the past, it’s about the tragic love of two people. As I reach the end of the book, without me even knowing, I was reading the book while crying. (laughs)
  • Q: Who was a character in books that you’ve felt specially emotionally connected?
  • JB: The story of the wandering teenager in "Kafka on the Shore" hit home to me. I didn’t want to wander around like the main character but some more time to myself to reflect on deep thoughts. All these days I think I couldn’t make efforts to get to know myself more, so I’ve always felt bad. Therefore, I think I could sympathize more with that.
  • Q: Seems like you read a lot of novels lately. Is there a specific genre of book that you like?
  • JB: I don’t nitpick about the book’s genre. But then there’s a book that evokes the feeling that “This might be difficult for me”. Judging from the fact that I can’t focus, I’d put that aside and read it when I can focus later. Now if I can read I focus on one book.
  • Q: Do you have your own way of reading books? Before, you said to take notes of good words.
  • JB: That’s right. When I read books, if I somehow read an influential line/paragraph, I read it while underlining it. This thing you can also sometimes see in a book, but if you read a book in some country, and that book is so good, they say to leave it behind so another person can also read it. Looking at it, I thought it was a very cool idea. If it were me, I think others might notice my emotions, so I don’t think I can do that. (laughs) Ah, there’s this thing too. At first, every book that I’ve read, I cut the last part of the bookmark I put in the book and tied them in a knot. That’s my personal sign that I’ve read them all.
  • Q: That sounds interesting. Then what kind of method do you use for marking now?
  • JB: I put my name down on the front cover of the book. I use my pen-name DefSoul though. I write down that name. And instead of using bookmarks I fold the books that I read. Then when I opened the book again I’d know, oh so I’ve read up till here. That way I’m able to know easily.
  • Q: I know that you went to school in a theater department. Of course you write lyrics but Do you have any stories or scripts you’d like to try writing more?
  • JB: I’ve tried coming up with scenarios through school assignments, but it’s really hard. While writing lyrics is from a particular situation, or the words you’d want to say to someone, scripts are about getting the big picture and from there, you have to write dialogues one by one. That is still not an easy thing. Instead, now I write down the emotions that I feel. I write down the date today, how I’ve been feeling today, what emotions I felt.
  • Q: If you have a subject matter or story in mind, what would it be?
  • JB: At school, I also made a film for a school assignment. A story that had a fantasy element. One day, when the main character was sleeping, he met his ideal type. He didn’t know for certain who that was, but he felt and remembered the silhouette. But when he opened his eyes, he felt the intuition that this person was somewhere in the real word and came to find the girl. In the movie that I made, I gave it a twist. In the end, the girl was the person that the main character killed, and the character fell into amnesia because of guilt. One day, he opened the closet to go on a date. That girl’s corpse was there. It was a 3-minute film so it ended shortly. That was the story.
  • Q: I think you can make a full movie with that. (laughs) Lately, what has been on JB-ssi’s thought the most? Is it the comeback that’s coming up?
  • JB: That’s right. This album had a lot of self-composed songs that the members wrote by ourselves. Among 13 tracks, 11 tracks were directly written by the members. I also took part in 3 songs. While making the songs, 2 were the tracks that I was writing while thinking they would suit GOT7. One track was more about the kind of music I wanted to do.
  • Q: So that’s a song that’s more to your own taste. It’s your 2nd full album. Personally, and between the members, is there a new goal?
  • JB: Although it’d be nice if we can also get first place this time to have the chance to grow more, I think I have no regrets about not caring about the rankings. While working on this album, we came to take in many opinions on the direction we want to head more to. Every time we make an album, I think that we want to grow more. I think that growth should not just be seen in numbers as a result, but what you want to relay as an artist. You concentrate while working and work with precision, then when you play you won’t be able to regret about playing. I want to be able to grow so that people would say “GOT7 are such diligent and cool artists!”.
  • Q: Usually, when talking about this, is it JB-ssi’s turn to talk?
  • JB: I’m actually just listening in the back. Jackson and Jinyoung would do the talking. I listen to what the kids are saying, and later on add on “In order to reach your goal, I think it’s better to do it this way.”
  • Q: Such a natural leader. I think you’re very mature for your age.
  • JB: I think that’s the only way. More than me being a leader, I think among all 7 people, there needs to be a person to organize like this, so I’m just taking that role.
  • “As time goes by, I read a book I’ve read once again. When time passes and you’ve gained more, you’ve changed a lot. I feel that each time. I’d have to keep reading incessantly.” - In JB’s interview

anonymous asked:

I'd like to recommend MartyMuses. She hasn't written a lot, and her one major fic, Love in Exile, is still a WIP, but it's soooo good and so artfully crafted and it deserves so much more attention than it's gotten! It's a historical AU and the amount of research she puts into it and shares with her readers is amazing. She also has a tumblr blog dedicated to the story (@martymusesloveinexile) and puts up additional research notes and visual tidbits. Please consider checking her out!

ah interesting! I always admire writers who dedicate a lot of research for their work. Her profile has been added to my bookmarks :)

Hello everyone

the days 3 and 4 of June i go to Dokomi Mangacon, in the stand P60 (Valkyrie canvas) whith Plusi and Makorin @acidcrown


I’m bit nervius, that is my first time i go to Germany , it’s possible i diidn’t talk for my difficulties in speak english (only the basic basic) it’s possbile that my friends talk for me XD

I the stand I have fannarts prints (lol and pokemon and another series ) , stickers (variety series, original and pokemon “all alola pokedex if you like ov-), acrlic charms, original prints and bookmarks .

Ah i  make the comissions during the days in the stand

Books

Ashton

“And we’re done!” I cheer, placing the final box on the floor and turning to grin at Ashton. He grins back, kicking the door shut as he makes his way towards me.

“So you’re officially moved in.” he smirked, his hands gripping my hips and pulling me into his chest. My hands gripped the front of his shirt, a grin plastered on my face. “How does it feel?”

“I mean I have no complaints so far.” I mused, and his smirk changed into a smile. “What about you Irwin? Regretting asking me to move in with you?”

“Are you kidding? You’re going to be here all the time, I’m over the moon.”

“Oh good.”

“Although-“

“Although what?”

“I didn’t know moving in with you would mean the apartment would turn into a library.” He giggled, causing me to roll my eyes. “I mean good god Y/N, why do you have so many books?”

“To read Ashton. You might want to try it sometime.” I tease, and he pouts at me.

“I do read.” He insists, before glancing at the boxes surrounding our feet. “I just don’t insist on reading a book a day.”

“I do not read a book a day.”

“You could have fooled me. I mean there are what? Eight boxes full of just books?”

“There are not eight boxes.”

“There are five.”

“There are not…“ Ashton raises his eyebrow at me and I sigh in defeat.

“Okay so there are five boxes of books. So what?”

“So I was just wondering when I needed to place an advertisement for a librarian.” He jokes and I smack his chest lightly.

“If my books are a problem we’ll just go elsewhere.” I warn, and his eyes widen in shock as his grip on me tightens.

“You’ll do no such thing.” He mumbles, pressing his lips to mine. “You’re staying right here with me. You and the books.”

“Us and the books now.” I correct him and he smiles against my lips.

“I like the sound of that.” He admits, his lips brushing mine as he speaks. “Us and the books.”

Michael

“I just don’t understand.” Michael complains, dropping down on the sofa next to me, his head falling into my lap. Instinctively my hand tangles into his hair, but I don’t lift my eyes from the book I’m reading.

“What?” I ask him, continuing to read.

“Why Ashton-“ Michael begins to talk about whatever is bothering him, but I don’t really hear what he is saying, my mind too busy focusing on the mystery of Hercule Poirot’s case. I nod and hum occasionally; although for all I knew I was agreeing to rob a bank. “And then he- Y/N are you even listening?”

Michael clicks his fingers in front of my face to capture my attention. I blink before moving my eyes to see his face, an amused smirk on his face.

“What was that last bit?” I ask him innocently, and he chuckles.

“What are you reading that means you don’t listen to your amazing boyfriend?” he jokes, and I lift the cover of the book up in front of his face. “Hickory Dickory Dock? Isn’t that a nursery rhyme?”

“It’s a Poirot story.” I correct him, and I can tell he’s resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

“Ah, Poirot. The other man in your life.” He nods seriously and I grin, replacing my thumb with my bookmark and putting the book on the arm of the sofa. “So come on, tell me what’s happening?”

“Well random objects start being stolen from a student house. And the warden happens to be Poirot’s secretary’s sister, so he goes to help. But then one of the students admits to being a kleptomaniac, and that it was her apart from two of the objects. Then she dies and it starts this string of murders.” I rambled, blushing slightly. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to bore you.”

“You didn’t.” he assures me, a soft smile on his face. I like it when you talk about books, you get this cute little smile.”

I scrunch my nose up at him and he pokes his tongue out at me. I giggle before he leans up and connects our lips, pulling away after a few moments.

“Although sometimes, it’d be nice not to have to compete with dead trees for my girl’s attention.” He jokes, standing up and grabbing his Xbox controller. He drops back into his position, gesturing at my book. “Go on then, find out who the murderer is. I’m dying to know.” He winks and I groan at him.

“That was awful.”

“I know.”

Luke

Books litter the floor of his living room, me sitting in the centre of them. Luke sits on the sofa, watching me as I mark one of them with a green post it.

“So explain to me what this system is again.” He tells me, and my head snaps up so I can look at him. “I mean, since I am also involved in this whole holiday adventure trip thingy.”

“Green are places we definitely want to go to.” I tell him, gesturing to the book still in my hand. “Purple are places I think I’ll like but you might not, and blue are the ones you’ll want to go to but I’ll be skeptical of. Any page with a yellow arrow is a hotel or hostel I think we could stay in, and orange are food places I think we would want to try.”

“And pink?” he asks, his eyes darting to the small stack of books furthest away from him.

“Under no circumstances are we ever going there.” I tell him seriously and he chuckles.

“I can’t believe you are planning our backpacking adventure.” He grins, and I pout at him.

“Not completely.” I tell him, and he raises an eyebrow.

“Then step away from the books.” I shake my head and clutch one tighter to my chest. Luke grins and stands up, walking over before dropping down in from of me. “Give me the book Y/N.”

“I am not a child.” I pout and he grins.

“I know that, I also know that you’ll want to bring all of these books with us, and we really don’t need to.”

“But we do need the books. How else will we know where to go?”

“That is the entire point of a backpacking adventure.”

“But-“

“You can get ideas from the books. You can memorise certain parts of the books. You cannot however, bring the books.”

“Please?” I flutter my eyelashes and he rolls his eyes.

“Fine. You can bring one book. But only one.”

“You’re the best.” I tell him honestly, kissing him quickly before scanning the room to begin choosing the book I want to take.

“You’re just lucky I love you.” He tells me seriously, returning to the sofa. “Books and all.”

Calum

Loud bangs echo through my flat, and my head snaps up from my place on the sofa. I put down my laptop before heading towards the door slowly, cautious as it is almost eleven in the evening. I stand on my tiptoes to glance out of the peep-hole. I groan in annoyance when I see who it is, yanking the door open.

“What do you want Calum?” I hiss, clutching my arms around my waist when the cold air hits me. Calum’s eyes follow my movements, and I blush when I realise I’m wearing his old t-shirt.

“You erm, left your book at mine.” He mutters, holding the book out to me. I take it hesitantly, my eyes scanning the title – Paper Towns.

“Thanks.” I reply, looking down at my feet. “Do you want your shirt back? I’ll go and change if you can wait-“

“I don’t want my shirt back Y/N.” he sighs. “To be honest, I didn’t want to give you the book back but it’s been two months and I finally gave up hoping you were coming back.”

“Calum-“

“No Y/N, I need to say this. That book, that damn book has been sitting on my kitchen counter since the day you left mocking me. Reminding me over and over again that you didn’t need me anymore; that you didn’t love me anymore, and every time I worked up the nerve to bring it back, I’d get to the front door and chicken out because I was too scared to see you being okay whilst I’m not. To see you not loving me whilst I still love you.”

I stare at him, blinking, unknowing what to say.

“Well that’s it.” He nods, placing a kiss to my cheek. “Bye Y/N.”

Calum turns around, but before he can leave my hand darts out and grabs his wrist.

“You can’t do that.” I tell his back, since he’s still facing the other way. “You can’t turn up here, hand me a book, tell me you still love me then leave. You just can’t do that Calum.”

“Y/N please-“ he turns around but I cut him off by smashing my lips to his.

“You can’t do that when I still love you too.” I finish and he pulls back to look at me.

“But you left.”

“I shouldn’t have.”

“So…”

“So can I come back?”

Calum kisses me hard, walking me backwards into the flat, kicking the door closed behind him.

“Remind me to write to John Green.” He tells me seriously. “To thank him for writing that stupid book.”

Dylan Klebold Journal typed

Fact: People are so unaware… . well, Ignorance is bliss I guess… . that would explain my depression. — Dylan 

[sketch: book with bookmark] [Pointing to bookmark:] About in the middle 

A Virtual Book

 EXISTENCES

 By: Dylan

 Properties: This book cannot be opened by anyone except Dylan (some supernatural force blocks common people from entering). 

<<–VoDkA–>>

 <<–Dylan–>>

  <<–Vodka–>> 3-31-97

 Life-existence

 EL THOUGHTZOS 

Ah yes, this is me writing … just writing, nobody technically did anything, just I felt like throwing out my thoughts — this is a weird time, weird life, weird existence. As I sit here (partially drunk with a screwdriver) I think a lot. Think .. . think … that’s all my life is, just shitloads of thinking … all the time … my mind never stops … music runs 24/7 (except for sleep), just songs I hear, not necessarily good or bad, & thinking … about the asshole in gym class, how he worries me, about driving, & my family, about friends & doings with them, about girls I know (mainly & ) how I know I can never have them, yet I can still dream . ..

 I do shit to supposedly ‘cleanse’ myself in a spiritual, moral sort of way (deleting the wads1 on my computer, not getting drunk for periods of time, trying not to ridicule/make fun of people ( ) at school), yet it does nothing to help my life morally. My existence is shit to me — how I feel that I am in eternal suffering, in infinite directions in infinite realities. Yet these realities are fake — artificial, induced [?] by thought, how everything connects, yet its all so far apart…. & I sit & think … science is the way to find solutions to everything, right? I still think that, yet I see different views of shit now — like the mind — yet if the mind is viewed scientifically . .. hmm

 I dwell in the past . .. thinking of good & bad memories 

A lot on the past though … I’ve always had a thing for the past — how it reacts to the present & the future — or rather vice versa. I wonder how/when I got so fucked up w my mind, existence, problem — when Dylan Benet2 Klebold got covered up by this entity containing Dylan’s body … as I see the people at school — some good, some bad — I see how different I am (aren’t we all you’ll say) yet I’m on such a greater scale of difference than everyone else (as far as I know, or guess). I see jocks having fun, friends, women, LIVEZ. 

Or rather shallow existences compared to mine (maybe) like ignorance = bliss. They don’t know beyond this world (how I do in my mind or in reality or in this existence) yet we each are lacking something that the other possesses — I lack the true human nature that Dylan owned & they lack the overdeveloped mind/imagination/knowledge too [?].

 I don’t fit in here thinking of suicide gives me hope, that I’ll be in my place wherever I go after this life … that I’ll finally not be at war with myself, the world, the universe — my mind, body, everywhere, everything at PEACE in me — my soul (existence). & the routine is still monotonous, go to school, be scared & nervous, hoping that people can accept me … that I can accept them … the NIN [Nine Inch Nails] song Piggy is good for thought writing … The Lost Highway3 sounds like a movie about me . .. I’m gonna write later, bye <<–VoDkA–>>

<<–VoDkA–>> 

4-15-97

 poetry [?] my way

 Da ThoughtZ

 Jeah Well well, back at it, yes (you say) whoever the fuck ‘you’ is, but yea. My life is still fucked, in case you care … maybe, … (not?) I have just lost fuckin 45$, & before that I lost my zippo & knife (I did get those back) Why the fuck is he being such an ASSHOLE??? (god I guess, whoever is the being which controls shit). He’s fucking me over big time & it pisses me off. Oooh god I HATE my life, I want to die really bad right now — let’s see what I have that’s good: A nice family, a good house, food, a couple of good friends, & possessions. What’s bad — no girls (friends or girlfriends), no other friends except a few, nobody accepting me even though I want to be accepted, me doing badly & being intimidated in any & all sports, me looking weird & acting shy — BIG problem, me getting bad grades, having no ambition of life, that’s the big shit. Anyway …

 I was Mr. Cutter tonight — I have 11 depressioners on my right hand now, & my favorite contrasting symbol, because it is so true & means so much.4 The battle between good & bad never ends … OK enough bitchin … well I’m not done yet. OK go … I don’t know why I do wrong with people (mainly women) — it’s like they are set out to hate & ignore me, I never know what to say or do. is soo fuckin lucky he has no idea how I suffer.

 Okay here’s some poetry…. this is a display of one man [?] in search of answers, never finding them, yet in hopelessness understands things … 

Existence… . what a strange word. He set out by determination & curiosity, knows no existence, knows nothing relevant to himself. The petty declarations of others & everything on this world, in this world, he knows the answers to. Yet they have no purpose to him. He seeks knowledge of the unthinkable, of the undefineable, of the unknown. He explores the everything5 … using his mind, the most powerful tool known to him. Not a physical barrier blocking the limits of exploration, time thru thought thru dimensions … the everything is his realm. Yet, the more he thinks, hoping to find answers to his questions, the more come up. Amazingly, the petty things mean much to him at this time, how he wants to be normal, not this transceiver of the everything. Then occurring to him, the answer. How everything is connected yet separate. By experiencing the petty others actions, reactions, emotions, doings, and thoughts, he gets a mental picture of what, in his mind, is a cycle.

 Existence is a great hall, life is one of the rooms, death is passing thru the doors, & the everexistent compulsion of everything is the curiosity to keep moving down the hall, thru the doors, exploring rooms, down this never-ending hall. Questions make answers, answers conceive questions, and at long last he is content. TTYL [talk to you later] <<–VoDkA–>>

<<–VoDkA–>>

 5-2 1[?]-97 

my thoughtz shit 

Thoughtz

 Yo … whassup … heheheheh … know what’s weird? Everyone knows everyone. I swear — like I’m an outcast, & everyone is conspiring against me … Check it … (this isn’t good, but I need to write, so here. .. . 

Within the known limits of time … within the conceived boundaries of space … the average human thinks those are the settings of existence … yet the ponderer, the outcast, the believer, helps out the human. “Think not of 2 dimensions,” says the ponderer, “but of 3, as your world is conceived of 3 dimensions, so is mine. While you explore the immediate physical boundaries of your body, you see in your 3 dimensions — L, W, & H, yet I, who is more mentally open to anything, see my 3 dimensions. My realm of thought — Time, Space, & THOUGHT. Thought is the most powerful thing that exists — anything conceivable can be produced, anything & everything is possible, even in your physical world.” After this so called “lecture” the common man feels confused, empty, & unaware. Yet those are the best emotions of a ponderer. The real difference is, a true ponderer will explore these emotions & what caused them. 

Another .. . a dream.

 Miles & miles of never ending grass, like a wheat. A farm, sunshine, a happy feeling in the presence, Absolutely nothing wrong, nothing ever is, contrary 180 [degrees] to normal life. No awareness, just pure bliss, unexplainable bliss, The only challenges are no challenge, & then. .. . BAM!!! realization sets in, the world is the greatest punishment. Life.

 Hypnosis place — It is a sky — with one large cloud, & sort of a cloud-made chair — the sun is at the head of the chair .. . 10 o’clock up into the sky .. . Below, I sometimes see mist, & the green (forest green) earth — sorta a city, yet I hear nothing. I relax on this chair — actually like a chaise — & I am talking … to what? I don’t know — it’s just there, I have the feeling that I know him, even though I consciously don’t … & we talk like we are the same person — like he’s my soul… .

 The everlasting contrast….

 Dark. Light. God. Lucifer. Heaven. Hell. GOOD. BAD. Yes, the ever-lasting contrast. Since existence has known the ‘fight’ between good & evil has continued. Obviously, this fight can never end. Good things turn bad, bad things become good, the ‘people’ on the earth see it as a battle they can win. HA fuckin morons. If people looked at History, they would see what happens. I think, too much, I understand, I am GOD compared to some of those un-existable brainless zombies. Yet, the actions of them interest me, like a kid with a new toy. Another contrast, more of a paradox, actually, like the advanced go for the undevelopeds realm, while some of the morons become everything dwellers — but exceptions to every rule, & this is a BIG exception — most morons never change, they never decide to live in the ‘everything’ frame of mind!

 Laterz <<–VoDKA–>>

7-23-97 

A changing time 

<<–VoDkA–>>’s Thoughts

 The Situation It is not good for me right now (like it ever is) … but anyway … My best friend6 ever: the friend who shared, experimented, laughed, took chances with & appreciated me more than any friend ever did has been ordained … “passed on” … in my book. Ever since 7 (who I wouldn’t mind killing) has loved him … that’s the only place he’s been with her … if anyone had any idea how sad I am … I mean we were the TEAM. When him & I first were friends, well I finally found someone who was like me: who appreciated me & shared very common interests. Ever since 7th grade, I’ve felt lonely … when came around, I finally felt happiness (sometimes) we did cigars, drinking, sabotage to houses, EVERYTHING for the first time together & now that he’s “moved on” I feel so lonely, without a friend. Oh well, maybe he’ll come around → … I hope.

 That’s all — for this topic — maybe I’ll never see this again.

<<–VoDKA–>> 

My 1st Love???? OH my God … I am almost sure I am in love … with () Hehehe … such a strange name, like mine … yet everything about her I love. From her good body to her almost perfect face, her charm, her wit & cunning, her NOT being popular. Her friends (who I know) — some — I just hope she likes me as much as I LOVE her. I think of her every second of every day. I want to be with her. I imagine me & her doing things together, the sound of her laugh, I picture her face, I love her. If [crossed out] soulmates exist, then I think I’ve found mine. I hope she likes Techno … :-) ,

 I love you 

— Dylan

<<–VoDkA–>>

 9-5-97

 Life, sucks

 My thoughts Oooh god I want to die sooo bad .. . such a sad desolate lonely unsalvageable I feel I am .. . not fair, NOT FAIR!!! I wanted happiness!! I never got it … Let’s sum up my life … the most miserable existence in the history of time … my best friend has ditched me forever, lost in bettering himself & having/enjoying/taking for granted his love… . I’ve NEVER knew this … not 100 times near this … they look at me like I’m a stranger … I helped them both out thru life, & they left me in the abyss of suffering when I gave them the [?] The one who I thought was my true love, is not. Just a shell of what I want the most … the meanest trick was played on me a fake love … she in reality doesn’t give a good fuck about me … doesn’t even know me … I have no happiness, no ambitions, no friends, & no LOVE!!! can get me that gun I hope, I wanna use it on a poor SOB. I know … his name is vodka, dylan is his name too. What else can I do/give … I stopped the pornography. I try not to pick on people. Obviously at least one power is against me… . funny how I’ve been thinking about her over the last few days … giving myself fake realities that she, others MIGHT have liked me, just a bit … my [bad?] I have always been hated, by everyone & everything, just never aware… . Goodbye all the crushes I’ve ever had, just shells … images, no truths … BUT WHY? YES, you can read this, why did [illegible words].

 [next to a small picture:] A dark time, infinite sadness, I want to find love.

 Ignorance is bliss

 happiness is ambition

 desolation is knowledge 

pain is acceptance 

despair is anger 

denial is helpless

 martyrism is hope for others 

advantages taken are causes of martyrism 

revenge is sorrow

 death is a reprieve

 life is a punishment 

others’ achievements are tormentations 

people are alike

 I am different — Dylan 

[next to the above:] Goodbye, sorry to everyone … I just can’t take it … all the thoughts … too many . .. make my head twist … I must have happiness, love, peace. Goodbye 

me is a god, a god of sadness

 exiled to this eternal hell 

the people I helped, abandon me

 I am denied what I want,

 To love & to be happy 

Being made a human 

Without the possibility of BEING human 

The cruelest of all punishments 

To some I am crazy

 It is so clear, yet so foggy 

Everything’s connected, separated

 I am the only interpreter of this

 Id rather have nothing than be nothing

 Some say godliness isn’t nothing 

Humanity is the something I long for I just want something I can never have The story of my existence. — Dylan 

Fuck that → Dylan Klebold

Me

 10-14-97

 fuck [?]

 thoughtz

 Me. sorry I didn’t write, A SHITLOAD in my existence ride. ok … hell & back … I’ve been to the zombie bliss side… . & I hate it as much if not more than the awareness part. I’m back now…. a taste of what I thought I want … wrong. Possible girlfriends are coming then I’ll give the phony shit up in a second want TRUE love … I just want something I can never have…. True true I hate everything, why can’t I die … not fair. I want pure bliss … to be cuddling with , who I think I love deeper than ever … I was hollow, thought I was right. Another form of the Downward Spiral10 … deeper & deeper it goes, to cuddle with her, to be one w her, to love, just laying there. I need a girl. This is a weird entry … I should feel happy, but shit brought me down. I feel terrible. The Lost Highway apparently repeats … itself. I won’t drink. Now, lucky bastard gets a perfect soulmate, who he can admit FUCKIN SUICIDE to & I get rejected for being honest about fuckin hate for jocks. From the wrong people maybe … & Anyway .. . here are 2 poems.

 Fuck me die me

 Awareness signs the warrant for suffering. Why is it that the zombies achieve something me wants (overdeveloped me). They can love, why can’t I? The true existor lives in solitude, always aware, always infinite, always looking for, his love. Peace might be the ultimate destination … destination unknown… . I want happiness … abandonment is present for the martyr. My thoughts exist in, want to live in. I want to find a room in the great hall & stay there w my love forever. Sadness seems infinite, & the shell of happiness shines around. Yet the true despair overcomes in this lifetime. How tragic for my [?] dumass shithead I HATE SHIT motherfuckin goddamn piece of death thought and nothin FUCK FUCK FUCK No emotions, not caring, yet another stage in this shit life. Suicide .. . Dylan Klebold

this 

11-3-97 

fuck all

 Thoughts

 Farther and farther distant … That’s what’s happening … me & everything that zombies consider real … just images, not life. Soon I will be at peace I hope … Burn → “with all your life fucked up around you” I get more depressed with each day … more Evil… . & I can’t ever stop it!!! [illegible scribble] 

Some god I am…. All people I ever might have loved have abandoned me, my parents piss me off & hate me … want me to have fuckin ambition!! How can I when I get screwed & destroyed by everything??!!! I have no money, no happiness, no friends … Eric will be getting further away soon…. I’ll have less than nothing … how normal. I wanted to love … I wanted to be happy and ambitions and free & nice & good & ignorant…. everyone abandoned me … I have small stupid pleasures … my so called hobbies & doings … those are all that’s left for me … clinging onto the smallest rocks … many people climbing up a never ending vertical cliff… . & found a plateau to exist on…they walked up me to get to it. Nobody will help me … only exist with me if it suits them. I helped, why can’t they? will get me a gun, I’ll go on my killing spree11 against anyone I want. More crazy … deeper in the spiral, lost highway repeating, dwelling on the beautiful past ( & getting drunk) with me, everyone moves up, I always stayed. Abandonment. This room sucks wanna die

 everything is as least expected. The meek are trampled on, the assholes prevail, the gods are deceiving, lost in my little insane asylum with the outhouse [?] redneck music playing… . wanna die & be free with my love … if she even exists. She probably hates me … finds a [?]

 or a jock who treats her like shit. I remember details … nothing worth remembering I remember. I don’t know my love: could be , or or , or , or anyone. I don’t know & I’m sick of not knowing!! To be kept in the dark is a punishment!! I have lost my emotions … like in Hurt the song. NIN. people eventually find happiness I never will. Does that make me a non-human? YES. The god of sadness…. church was so fun … the rec thing with [?].

1-2-98 

Beeerr … Man I don’t know what’s up lately … never do in existence. All this shit with & friends … so weird & different from past…. yet again, that’s the way in existence. I wonder if I’ll ever have a love … my love. got his, I don’t, won’t ever get mine. Here’s all the people I’ve loved, or at least liked (or thought I loved) — all the same meaning 

[A list of 18 blacked-out names, three with hearts next to them. The third heart has an “R” inside it.]

 is the newest … the purest (for now) … seems perfect for me … I seem perfect for her. I was delusional and thought she waved at me the last day of school. Oh well … my emotions are gone. So much past pain at once, my senses are numbed. The beauty of being numb.

2-2-98

 the everything

 Existence . .. to understand

 Well well … so much changes … (like existence). I understand almost everything now … so close to my love — . The runes have shown it, she has shown it, I have felt it. I know the meaning of each life: to be loved by your love, & to be happy with ones self. Only for the gods though (me, , etc.). the zombies & their society band together & try to destroy what is superior13 (what they don’t understand & are afraid of. Soon…. either I’ll commit suicide, or I’ll get with & it will be NBK14 for us. My happiness. Her happiness. NOTHING else matters. I’ve been caught with most of my crimes — xpl [for example] drinking, smoking & the house vandalism, & the pipe bombs. If, by fate’s choice, didn’t love me, I’d slit my wrist & blow up Atlanta15 strapped to my neck. It’s good, understanding a hard road since my realization, but it gets easier. BUT IT DOESN’T! that’s part of existence. Unpredictable. Existence is pure hell & pure heaven at the same time. I will never stop wondering. The lost highway will never end, the music in my head will never stop … total [?] part of existence. The hall will never end. The love will always be there. GOD I LOVE HER!!! It’s so great to love.

 Society is tightening its grip on me, & soon I & will snap. We will have our revenge on society, & then be free, to exist in a timeless spaceless place of pure happiness. The purpose of life is to be happy & be with your love who is equally happy. Not much more to say. Goodbye.

 Almost happiness is slavery — the real people (gods) are slaves to the majority of zombies, but we know & love being superior.

 I didn’t want to be a jock. I hated the happiness that they have — & I will have something infinitely better. 

I love her & she loves me. 

(By the way, some zombies are smarter than others, some manipulate .. . like my parents.)

 I am GOD, () is GOD

 the zombies will pay for their arrogance, hate, fear, abandoned, & distrust 

[sketch: highway leading to vague shapes on horizon (Lost Highway?); road sign: “666”]

 I love you that’s all I think about anymore … I know that this humanity is almost over, that we will be free. We have proven to fate that we are the everything of purity & halcyon, & that we deserve, need, love, can’t exist without each other. It’s hard, I think that I might not be enough, my mind sometimes gets stuck on its own things, I think about human things — all I try to do is imagine the happiness between us. That is something we cannot even conceive in this toilet earth. The everything, the halcyon, the happiness is ours, there will be no notes from me. Let the humans suffer without my knowledge of the everything. I am trying not to think about the happiness, somehow thinking that 16 will destroy it if I conceive/relish in it when I’m a human, but I love her. We are soulmates. 

[sketch: heart with triple-barred cross ( ) against background of barbed-wheel symbol ( )]

[hearts] I love you

 You don’t consciously know who I am (please don’t skip to the back: read the note as it was written), & doubtedly unconsciously too. I, who write this, love you beyond infinince. I think about you all the time, how this world would be a better place if you loved me as I do you. I know what you’re thinking: “(some psycho wrote me this harassing letter)” I hoped we could have been together … you seem a bit like me. Pensive, quiet, an observer, not wanting what is offered here (school, life, etc.) you almost seem lonely, like me. You probably have a boyfriend though, & might not have given this note another thought. I have thought you my true love for a long time now, but … well … there was hesitation. You see I can’t tell if you think of anyone as I do you, & if you did who that would be. Fate put me in need of you, yet this earth blocked that with uncertainties. I will go away soon, but I just had to write this to you, the one I truly loved. Please, for my sake, don’t tell anybody about this, as it was only meant for you. Also, please don’t feel any guilt about my soon-to-be “absence” of this world (it is solely my decision: no one else’s) oh … the thoughts of us … doing everything together, not necessarily anything, just to be together would have been pure heaven. I guess it’s time to tell you who I am. I was in a class with you 1st semester, & was blessed with being with you in a report. I still remember your laugh. Innocent, beautiful, pure. This semester I still see you — rarely. I am entranced

 during 5th period, as we both have it off. To most people, I appear … well … almost scary, but that’s who I appear to be as people are afraid of what they don’t understand. I denied who I was for a long time. Until high school…. anyway, you have noticed me a few times, I catch every one of these gazes with an open heart. I think you know who I am by now. Unfortunately … even if you did like me even the slightest bit, you would hate me if you knew who I was. I am a criminal. I have done things that almost nobody would even think about condoning. The reason that I’m writing you now is that I have been caught for the crimes I committed, & I want to go to a new existence. You know what I mean (suicide). I have nothing to live for, & I wont be able to survive in this world after this legal conviction. However, if it was true that you loved me as I do you … I would find a way to survive. Anything to be with you. I would enjoy life knowing that you loved me. 99/100 chances you probably think I’m crazy, & want to stay as far away as possible. If that’s the case, then I’m very sorry for involving an innocent person in my problems, & please don’t think twice. However, if you are who I hoped for in my dreams & realities, then do me a favor: leave a piece of paper in my locker saying anything that comes to you. Well, I guess this is it — goodbye, & I love(d) you. 

Dylan Klebold [with locker information] 

[sketches: a heart labeled “DK” and one with blacked-out initials; highway] 

6-8-98 

Our halcyon

 I LOVE !! 

I love her to infinince. I look back on my awareness journey, see the parts & sections of my understanding … it’s almost done, yet it is never done, I love . She is my soulmate, my [?] all the imaginative halcyons & pure existences I have with her (to me) are almost happiness … I just wish I could call her…something blocks me from calling her, my human side is putting up a wall to prevent me from calling her, like a fear of “its” truth. BS. I will overcome all fears, doubts, & zombie-based thoughts (oxymoron) … I will follow our hearts to the halcyon, loving her. I love you 

[sketches: hearts with blacked-out text or pictures, triple-barred cross, highway]

 me

 6-10-98

I think don’t care (?) 

Forever fate, up & down spiral 

1.5 human years … so much changed in small time, my friends (at my choice) are depleting & collapsing under each other (Eric & ) like I thought they would, I am ready to be with . The ups & downs of fate are forever, good & bad, equal me. The lost highway, & downward spiral never end. Existence is like infinity times itself. ∞∞ [symbolizes infinity to the power of infinity] I have passed thru this much of the ever existence, this is almost a checkpoint. The zombies have set their [place? plane?] in my mind for the cliff theory I’ve [?] off with & we’ve floated away to the halcyon. The zombies will pay for their being, their nature. I know everything, yet I know nothing. I am a true god. My infinite memories, thoughts, perceivations of purity come a lot more with her, there is pure pure happiness — the purpose of our existence. I hate, love things, hate everything, love me & . I understand that I can never ever be a zombie, even if I wanted to. The nature of my entity. Soon we will live in the halcyons of our minds, the one thing that made me a god. Things are so simple, now that they are infinitely complicated. HAHAHAHA.

 [sketch: rising and falling line (“ups & downs of fate”) with the word “fate” and ]

 I understand whatever of everything. I am the god of the everything. 

Fate is my only master. 

This is probably my last entry. I love my self close second to my everlasting love. Goodbye.

 I will never stop learning

Dylan Klebold

[sketches: road, road signs with “5” and triple-barred cross, and cover of journal] 

Dylan 

1-20-99 

This Shit

 This shit again. Back at writing, doing just like a fucking zombie. Lately I can’t change my mind from the fucking deeds of zombies. Earth, humanity, HERE. That’s mostly what I think about. I hate it. I want to be free … free … I thought it would have been time by now. The pain multiplies infinitely never stops Yet [?] I’m here, STILL alone, still in pain, so is she. The thing I have concluded is that fate will decide when we should be together. decided when our existence started, it should end the same way, with us unknowing, in limbo. I love you . Always have, will. The scenarios, images, pieces of happiness still come. they always will. I love her she loves me. I know she is tired of suffering as I am. It is time. It is time. I love her the journey, the endless journey started, it has to end. We need to be happy to exist truly. I see her in perfection, the halcyons. I await endless purity. I exist as less than nothing without her. –O. my humanity, –O. I don’t know if I should call her, or wait for to act. Yet, calling her is a state of humanity. I’m forever sorry, infinitely, about the pornos. My humanity has a foot fetish & bondage extreme liking. I try to thwart it sometimes to no effect. Yet the masturbation has stopped. I’m sorry . Always I feel the [?] happiness here, thinking of her for brief moments. That’s how I know the everything is true. 

[sketch: triple-barred cross]

 I hate this non-thinking stasis. I’m stuck in humanity. Maybe going “NBK” (gawd) with Eric is the way to break free. I hate this.

 [sketches: heart, triple-barred cross, “5,” spiral with rays and infinity symbols?]

 The weather is a replication of our thoughts. The happiness is possible, imminent, I [?] on . 

The happiness is close visible ending, end of the beginning of the halcyons. 

The humanity is blocking me again. Time to go. HAHAHAHA fuck all. Hate this shit, need to be me, [?], love her. 

The framework of society stands above & below me. The hardest thing to destroy, yet the weakest thing that exists. I know that I am different, yet I am afraid to tell the society. The possible abandonment, persecution is not something I want to face, yet it is so primitive to me. I guess being yourself means letting people know about inner thoughts too, not just opinions & fashions [illegible word in parentheses] I will be free one day, in the land of purity & my happiness, I will have a love, someone who is me in a way. someday … possibly thru this life, maybe another, but it will happen . .. 

Love is more valuable than anything I know. To love is to enter a completion of oneself. I hate those who choose to destroy a love, who take it for granted. love is greater than life even. As I look for love, I feel I can’t find it. Ever. But something tells me I will, someday. Somewhere.  As my love will find me, she feels as I do right now, I can feel it, we will be inseparable. Her & I. Whether it is or not, I think I’ll find it (my love). We will be free, to explore the vast wonders of the stars. To cascade down everlong waterfalls, & thru the warmest seas of pure happiness .. . no limits .. . no limits. Nothing will stop us.

Separate document: JCSO-26,484 to JCSO-26,487

The humanity of here & now clouds all that I see. Yet the me, the one, can now control the pain, & it is done. 5 more days. 5 … … a very influential number, another brick in my journeyed wall. Humans are zombies, they scratch for acceptance & greed & kill themselves thru each other. They will never learn, or maybe they will, but wont have the strength to learn to be aware is not a trait, it’s a godlike thing. Blessed God, not a Christian, Jesus, Mt. Sinai, Abraham, David, Bible gay shit god, but a true controller of existence. was to make us this way. These moments will be lost in the depressions & caverns of the human books forever, like, tears, in, rain, but the thoughts will be eternal. To explain the happiness is impossible even for fate. It’s just a pure halcyon set to last more existences than a conceivable number. Stupid gay nigger humans think I’m “crazy.” Or they think I’m childish. Hahaha, because I can’t solve [math equation]. That makes me dumb! Because I can’t stay thinking in a 2nd dimension, I go to the 5th!17 Haha. So I wait 5 more days. 5 more days. 5 eternities, & I know her & I are all conceived from ourselves & each other, every night of the self-awareness

journey, every thought we conceived, we have finished the race. Time to die. Everything we knew we were able to understand it, to perceive it, into what we should. Everything we knew, we know & use. An understanding of the everything. An Einstein stuck in an ant’s body. We are the nature of existence. The zombies were a test, to see if our love was genuine. We are in wait of our reward, each other. The zombies will never cause us pain anymore. The humanity was a test. I love you, love. Time to die, time to be free, time to love.

One day, one is the beginning, [?] the end. Hahaha. Reversed, yet true. About 26.5 hours from now the judgment will begin. Difficult, but not impossible, necessary, nerve-wracking & fun

What fun is life without a little death?

It’s interesting, when I’m in my human form, knowing I’m going to die. Everything has a touch of triviality to it. Like how none of this calculus shit matters. The way it shouldn’t. the truth. In 26.4 hours, I’ll be dead, & in happiness. The little zombie human fags will know their errors, & be forever suffering and mournful. HAHAHAH, of course I will miss things. Not really.

Dylan Klebold

 ?-?-? 

will

WILL

Ok, this is my will. This is a fucking human thing to do, but whatever 

— you were a badass, never failed to get me up when I was down.Thx.You get

FUCKT