aggressive breakfast

Shadow’s Anti-SJW Rant of the Day: 5 Breakfast Cereals That Are Equal in Hardcoreness to My Fight Against SJWs

“My butthead co-bloggers keep angrily asking me to tag more so there will be real tags, ugh, I’m so inconvenienced, SJWs are so oppressive.“ I spit at the ground and put my other pistol (jet black with a crimson streak) into my pocket and spin a cool donut on my motorcycle (jet black with a crimson streak).

“Now, here are those 5 cereals”

1. Cocoa Puffs

I huff and cackle, “Yes, indeed, the true nourishment for any warrior against social justice is a bowl of chocolate-flavored puff balls. It matches me in that it’s really dark-colored. In my dark and mysterious past, I was once a little hedgehog that saw the TV-Y7 warning on my television. I was so angry I bit into my spoon really hard and chipped a tooth. I swore vengeance on the SJWs ever since.”

2. Captain Crunch Chocolate Donuts

I shoot a victorious and cocky glance at the viewer, “Only the truly privileged can feast their eyes upon Level 2 of my best breakfast cereals.” I check to see if that darn blue hedgehog is even around. “Looks like the coast is clear. I use this cereal partly as fuel for my motorcycle. That’s how it reaches Mach 5 speeds.“ My bike sputters in agreement and spins a donut.

3. Reese’s Puffs

“There was a picture that had double the box tops, but I refused to use it because one of my agendas is to privatize all education and absolutely no handouts from anyone. Schools should make their own money from poor people somehow, I’ll tell you all later in my really long-winded dissertation of my dark and mysterious past. But yeah,” I shrug, “I stand with Rand, both Paul and Ayn. Anyway, Reese’s Puffs for when I use my iPad (jet black with a crimson streak and a gun plugged into it) as a DJ booth. Sometimes a funky flow destroys the SJWs. By funky flow I mean none other than Nickleback.“

4. Cocoa Pebbles

The near-final ultimate form of a breakfast cereal descends into my hands from a secret military complex that I stole from the government. My gun itches to shoot the nearest attacker, but alas, no such danger exists. I release my hopes and turn to the viewer, confused as to why I would put cocoa pebbles over Reese’s Puffs.

“You may think I’m a monster, but it takes a monster to spell out the truth.” I boldly declare, puffing out my white puffy chest. “Cocoa Pebbles has, indeed, a more intense taste than Reese’s Puffs. Everything before it was less intense, or riddled with sugar and sprinkles and peanut butter and other nonsense. Pebbles takes it to the heart of the matter. Pure, unadulterated chocolate.” I look to the sky in search of what’s beyond the horizon, for I have spoken the one true truth.

“For ages, it was believed that Reese’s Puffs was the ultimate cereal, but the cult of Pebbles had grown strong, and exposed me to the one true truth. Only the foolish SJWs would tell you that Reese’s is unrivaled, that there is no living cereal that can beat it. But to think that Reese’s Puffs is even contestable to the forces of chocolate is a laughable misconception. Pebbles isn’t even the strongest. In fact, the next cereal can only be eaten when I’m Super Shadow.“

I pull out seven chaos emeralds. “This is merely for demonstration purposes,” I glare, “If I truly used this power, I would split the world in half. Be warned, this power in unrivaled. I have to retrieve it from the East. When you follow your anger, and search yourself for your darkest memory, the forces of chocolate smile upon you, and direct you to the heart of South Korea, where a God sleeps.”

5. Oreo O’s

The earth trembles, the sky darkens, the oceans becomes restless, the birds scatter, the sun strains against the atmosphere. My energy is manifested twenty-fold. I gain twin katanas that are made of pure chocolate but are sharp enough to cut through adamantium. Edible, but deadly. My gun becomes a chocolate sniper rifle machine gun. My hair turns gold, with a crimson streak.

“I give you… The Legendary Dead God Oreo O’s.”

The cardboard box roars a deafening echo, a long and proud “O”

I laugh a bellowing, evil laugh, “O Yes… it is alive, after all! And with over 12 energizing vitamins to supercharge your battle against the SJWs!“ I proudly proclaim. The audience is terrified by the might of this power. “This is for when a battle looks like I might lose. My final card, my final trick. Sometimes, I might even resort to eating it at any time of the day. But I have to conserve the energy, for it takes weeks for it to ship through Amazon.Com or Ebay.Com”

“But that’s enough for today,” I sigh. Everything fades back to normal, and calms down. The sky becomes blue once more, the sun regains its power, the trees turn back to green, and there’s no lava anywhere. “I warn against all SJWs and anon hate that may attack me on this blog… my cereal equipment is unfathomable, just like my power.”

- Shadow, Signing Out.