so I love Agents of SHIELD don’t get me wrong but what if…there was a lighthearted show about SHIELD? Like agents who aren’t involved in all of the life-threatening missions?
“Oh god Cristina sent out another spam email about her lunch in the fourth floor breakroom fridge…someone stop her.”
“Hey, what did Director Fury say during that speech? I spaced out after he mentioned percentages.” “Oh, same. I think it was about cutting back on the printer costs. Ask Coulson about it.”
They tell all the newbies the urban legends that SHIELD has. Like the legend that Natasha Romanoff will protect you if you leave her three bottles of wine and a knife sharpener at her house. (No one knows where she lives, that’s the fun part of it.) Or the legend that Director Fury used to have hair. “No one has pictures, but they think that Coulson might have one,” one of the techies whispers.
Maria Hill is a walking legend. She’s the Director’s righthand person, and for good reason. She can handle anything with absolutely zero reaction. (She comes into work covered in glitter one day, and no one questions it except for Barton. Hill responds that she was making a card for her niece. Everyone knows that that isn’t true, mainly because Maria used to live in the middle of nowhere, and she hates her family. True story.)
The agents have a feud, like the scientists versus the fields. Only it’s much wider. The desk agents hate the field agents, because it’s like the sports vs. arts departments in school; the funding goes to sports (the field agents) while the art students get a budget, but it’s about enough to pay a pack of cheap paintbrushes and a gallon of paint. The desks’ biggest success to date is stealing the best coffee machine from the fields.
There’s a trend started by Coulson after an agent was caught stealing extra staples, and he asked him “Do you think Captain America would think this is a good idea?” The trend starts because a.) everyone at SHIELD knew that Steve Rogers was a reckless idiot who jumped out of planes with no plan or parachute and b.) Coulson’s basically a dad. (Honest-to-god they had a company picnic and the man wore black socks with sandals.)
And as for the company picnics??? don’t go if you can’t shoot. They have a paintball war. Last year Agent 13 couldn’t be found for six hours. It turns out she fell asleep in a tree. Barton won by not giving up. Fury grills burgers. They’re legendary. You do not want to trust whoever made the potato salad if there’s not a placard by it because almost every year the potato salad is bad in some way.
There are SHIELD memes that get passed down through every generation. They have a phrase that basically means “don’t be stupid” but instead they say “don’t pull a Harrison” after an old agent accidentally let a serial killer get away by being distracted by a puppy. (it happens too often.) Melinda May is the starter of at least four, because she used to be this huge prankster. She even pranked Fury once.
Secret Santas are legendary. You always want to participate.
Everyone talks about the time Natasha Romanoff showed up to work in an insanely ugly Christmas sweater. Clint said he made it. No one was surprised.
They have contests for who can give the best excuse as to why they didn’t do their paperwork. Maria Hill, surprisingly, is in the lead.
“I accidentally went to Russia and left my paperwork in St. Peter’s Basilica,” she said boredly. “Whoops.”
Before she joined the Avengers Initiative, Natasha Romanoff was a part of a team of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents along with Sharon Carter and Maria Hill. Watch them battle the villain of the week, infiltrate numerous organizations and fight over the last piece of pizza and maybe fall in love.