african dung beetles

anonymous asked:

My crush is taurus and im a libra. He is your standard preppy boy but he notices me and talks to me sometimes. What can a lame libra do to catch a preppy taurus' attention?

Okay so here’s what you’re gonna want to do. You have to follow my EXACT INSTRUCTIONS or nothing will work.

First, you’re going to want this video playing the background at all times on repeat. VERY important. This sets the mood.

You’re going to have to bring your Taurus into the room with you. Lock the doors when he isn’t looking. Perhaps you can distract him with this video (it’s very intriguing). DO NOT DISTRACT HIM WITH SPORTS VIDEOS. THIS WILL DISTRACT HIM AND HE WILL ONLY TALK ABOUT SPORTS WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF THE RITUAL.

Draw a pentagram on the floor. Preferably in the blood of a lamb, but if you don’t have that, red chalk works fine (if you don’t know what a pentagram looks like, it’s a right side up star with a circle around it). Now, on each end of the star, place the objects in this list:

1. a dildo AT LEAST 12 INCHES (30.5 cm) attached to a chainsaw motor (removing the blade beforehand is recommended but not required)

2. a turkey baster full of the crushed bodies of African dung beetles (enough to completely fill the turkey baster)

3. Natalie Dormir

4. a severed toe (the middle toe of the right foot, preferably removed directly from a living body)

5. your computer/cell phone/whatever you’re using to read this

Good! Now, recite this (look up the pronunciation on Google Translate if you’re having trouble)

“Tunde Felix palmis caedebat palmis caedebat clap clap”

Bill Cipher will appear from the center of the pentagram (accompanied by flashing lights and the sound of 10,000 screaming souls) holding a yellow notepad. When he asks you what you want, BE VERY SPECIFIC. He will disappear as soon as you’ve made your request, and the eyes of your Taurus will start glowing an eerie, dark red. His mouth will open, and he will say this:

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?! I AM SATAN, FOR GOD’S SAKE! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BOOK CLUB!”

Now, at this point, you have two choices. You can either ask him politely for what you want him to make happen and inevitably make a deal with the devil, OR you can read exactly what you submitted to me and he will give you advice. Probably something along the lines of this:

“Okay, kid, listen. Love’s tricky. It always has been, and it will be until the end of time. Stereotypes are always going to be prevalent- a “preppy boy” isn’t usually shown dating a “lame” person. However, I highly doubt that you’re lame. Your self-image is what’s keeping you from going after this boy, and that should never hold you back. Love yourself, and he’ll come to love you too. And don’t think one of you has to make the first move- let it happen. Or, y’know, I could just kill him and make you my queen/king/nonbinary subject of royalty and power (because I don’t know how you identify). You’ll be okay, kid.”

After that, the glows will fade and your Taurus will faint. Make him comfortable while you clean up the ritual. When he wakes, show him the dildo. He’ll be so into you then.

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Why The African Dung Beetle Matters