african beer

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

———————–

1. The letter 'U’ will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,’ 'favour,’ 'labour’ and 'neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ’-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ’-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary’).

————————

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like’ and 'you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u” and the elimination of ’-ize.’

——————-

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

—————–

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

———————-

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

———————-

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

——————–

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

——————-

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

——————-

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

———————

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

———————

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

———————

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

——————–

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

—————–

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

—————

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Every black child in grade school is taught Adolph Hitler killed six million Jews and is the worst human being that ever lived. On the other hand our children are taught “The Right Honorable” Cecil Rhodes the founder of the De Beer diamond company in South Africa who killed ten times that number of Africans is a hero and a statesman and if they study hard and do well in school they may be eligible to win Rhodes Scholarships the oldest and most celebrated international fellowship awards in the world. They don’t mention the scholarships are paid for with the blood of their ancestors.

If you don’t know your history, you can expect to continue to be a fool, used and abused by the oppressor.  

#massdeception

5

Tusker House Restaurant in Animal Kingdom at Walt Disney World 

The Tuskar House is a buffet style restaurant located in Disney’s Animal Kingdom. At this colorful Harambe marketplace eatery, you’ll find a family-focused buffet brimming with African and American flavors. For breakfast and lunch you can experience a character meal at Donald’s Dining Safari. For the dinner buffet enjoy dishes such as vegetable samosas, potato wedges, curried rice salad, pearl couscous, tabbouleh and rotisserie chicken. Guests 21 years of age and older can also enjoy a selection of African wines and beer. Reservations are recommended.

10

A few months ago on a Friday night we went down to Hungry Andy’s in Fells Point for dinner. I parked the car a few blocks away and on our walk we passed a garbage can on the corner. There was a photo album sitting right on top of it, like someone had placed it there only minutes before. It wasn’t dirty at all, just a little beat up with the spine twisted. I opened it up real quick and looked inside to see it was full of photos. It seemed kind of sad someone would throw it away so I walked back and put it in the trunk of my car. It sat back there for weeks before I brought it inside. Then it sat on a shelf for another few months.

Tonight for whatever reason we remembered it’s existence and decided to open it up. A few photos have possible names written on them but not many. All of the smaller photos were taped to larger ones that seem kind of out of context to the rest, as if someone combined two unrelated photo albums together. However the small photos are the interesting ones.

From what I can gather it seems that a man named Will (probably William) who has photos of himself very young wearing a US Navy outfit, probably WWII, grew up and perhaps owned a local bar. I see a photo of the outside of a bar that says “Harry’s Miniature Bar” and another reference to “Dallas Pleasure Club” at 926 Gay Street. Can’t be sure if any of these photos are actually from inside those places though.

You can see plenty of Baltimore references all over the place. Gunther and National beer boxes stacked high. A sign on the ceiling mentions the name Art Donovan. Another photo features a display for Bromo Seltzer.

I can’t be sure all of these photos are from the same place. There are some photos in the album from the 1970s that look very much like the Canton or Highlandtown area. The roads have a bit of curve to them as well as arcitecture that matches that area. The one thing throwing me off is in the distance is one single tall building, it looks similar to an apartment building near Greenmount Cemetery. It is possible this place has been completely demolished and something new has been built on top of it.

I see references to the last name Wise but nothing in the album is written very clearly. There is a very faded photo on a card of some sort with what looks like William in his 70s or 80s with his grandchildren.

If any of this rings a bell to anyone let me know. Finding out where Harry’s Bar was may be the key.