people keep telling me I dress ‘well’ or look pretty but I think that that’s become more like a neurosis than anything else. like 'putting myself together’ is the most important thing* (I mean, pleasurable, but necessary). like, every day I must wear my watch, a necklace, and earrings. and if I forget one of them, I feel incomplete. and I get anxious. especially the earrings, the earrings are the worst. earrings are kind of like plugging a hole, like stitching something up.

I need to feel tidy, I need to have edges that are definite and sealed. and when I leave in the morning, it’s almost better if my room is a mess, because then I’m leaving that messiness behind. like, emerging from the abjection.

(coming home is another thing.)


* this probably also has something to do with how much Pretty Little Liars I’ve watched in the past few weeks.