Caminhei firme pelos corredores do escritório e entrei na minha sala, deixando a bolsa sobre um balcão do lado da prateleira cheia de livros e sentei, passando a mão sobre a mesa e checando os recados deixados por Angelina, passei por todos eles até encontrar um post-it azul quase esquecido, “Sr. Malik ligou, pediu para que você entrasse em contato com ele no endereço que segue”, virei o post-it e encarei o endereço, totalmente desconhecido.
Liguei o computador e joguei o endereço no Google, encarando o papel azul sem parar e completamente nervosa com a possibilidade dele ter me encontrado.
Depois de quase dez anos…
Encarei a tela do computador sem querer acreditar onde o endereço iria me levar, peguei minha bolsa e andei até a recepção.
- Angelina? - chamei debruçando-me no balcão.
- Sim Dr. Marina?
- Pode desmarcar meu cliente das nove? Tive uma pequena emergência…
- Claro, tudo bem?
- Sim, só um cliente.
Ela assentiu e eu segui porta afora, entrando no carro e sabendo que era uma ideia mais do que estúpida procurar por ele hoje, ou qualquer dia.
Algumas coisas que acontecem quando você tem dezesseis anos não precisam acontecer de novo.
Nove anos e dez meses atrás
A pior parte de ter dezesseis anos, fazer parte da turma estúpida de pessoas populares e que são convidadas a cinco festas por final de semana e ainda ser solteira é 1) sempre ouvir as piores cantadas, e, 2) sempre ver suas amigas tentando te arrumar com o amigo do namorado delas.
Não me leve a mal, seria divertido ter um namorado, mas parece que nenhum cara é o que eu procuro.
Ok, na verdade, eu nem sei direito o que EU procuro, mas com toda a certeza, não é o que ta aparecendo na minha frente agora.
Então, aqui estou eu, sentada com Giselly e seu namorado Niall, e não me levem a mal, eu amo ela, ela é minha melhor amiga, mas ela realmente te que parar de pedir pro Niall trazer um amigo diferente a cada vez que a gente se vê. Eu digo, Niall ta no último ano, e ele me apresenta uns caras que, por Deus, em se eu tivesse quatorze anos eu iria me interessar.
Eles são entediantes.
Mas hoje, ele acertou.
Não digo que ele a-c-e-r-t-o-u, mas ele com certeza não errou. E ele provavelmente nem tem ideia disso, esse cara sentado na sacada é totalmente diferente de todos os outros amigos que ele me apresentou, totalmente diferente de qualquer cara que eu já tenha me interessado… Não que eu seja a maior vaca e tenha de fato me interessado por milhares de caras durante a vida toda, mas, ele definitivamente é diferente… Não estou falando de roupas ou aparência, era bem comum neste aspecto, talvez um pouco mais largado, eu gostava daquela barba por fazer, mas ele tinha algo no olhar. Seus olhos eram de um castanho tão profundo que pareciam não ter fim, parecia ser o tipo de pessoa que entregava nos olhos tudo o que os lábios insistiam em guardar, e falando em lábios, ele ta sorrindo, pra mim?
Meu Deus, eu to usando uma saia rosa de florzinha, como um cara desses pode sorrir pra mim?
Ele ta andando? Ele ta andando na nossa direção?
- Oi - ele disse sentando do lado de Niall e esticando a mão pra mim - Oi…
- Oi - respondi de volta agora sorrindo.
- Zayn - ele falou sem soltar a minha mão.
- Marina - respondi puxando minha mão sem tirar meus olhos dele, Niall se inclinou e sussurrou algo, fazendo-o levantar e ir até a varanda junto com Niall - Gi… - chamei baixinho.
- Hm? - ela perguntou virando o copo de vodca e sem olhar na minha direção…
- Quem é esse Zayn?
- Por favor Marina, de todos os caras legais que te apresentamos você vem logo se interessar pelo mais vagabundo e nojento de todos?
- Ele é um vagabundo nojento muito bonito…
- O que tem de errado com você? - ela perguntou franzindo o cenho.
- O que? Ele é mulherengo?
- Não Marina, só vagabundo, entre outras porcarias… - Entre outras porcarias?
- Meu deus, eu só achei ele bonito…
- Achou quem bonito? - Niall perguntou sentando do lado de Giselly.
- Malik - ela respondeu antes que eu falasse algo.
- Ah, ele te achou bonita também…
- Cadê ele? - perguntei erguendo os olhos.
- Onde ele ta? - ele disse olhando pra Giselly que apenas negou e suspirou alto.
- Conta logo pra ela Niall, uma hora ela vai saber mesmo.
- Ele tem namorada? - perguntei em um gemido.
- Não… Ele ta lá na varanda, puxando um.
Entre outras porcarias.
Nove anos, nove meses e três semanas atrás
Niall estava andando de skate na mini pista enquanto eu e Giselly ficávamos sentadas em uma pedra observando eles.
Zayn estava lá, perambulando de um lado para o outro com o copo na mão, Niall andou até nós e pegou na mão de Giselly, levando-a para a sombra de uma árvore enquanto eu continuava ali sozinha, ergui meus olhos e encarei Zayn que me olhava por cima dos olhos, e que olhos, ele sorriu e andou até mim, sentando-se do meu lado.
- Estuda com a Giselly?
- Tenho a impressão de que a sua amiga não gosta muito de mim…
- Ah, a Gi não gosta muito de ninguém, duvido até que ela goste dela mesma… - ele ergueu os olhos e riu na minha direção - Você também ta no último ano? - ele assentiu fraco.
- Mas não estudo com o Niall, somos de turmas diferentes…
- Como você consegue? - perguntei olhando três garotos fazendo umas manobras malucas com o skate.
- É fácil - ele disse levantando e esticando a mão - vem cá que eu te ensino.
Wheelchairs are used for many disabilities; it could be very painful to walk, one may lack the strength to walk, have hyperflexibility, shortness of lung capacity, fragility of joints, muscles, skin etc.
REBLOG so people STOP harassing wheelchair users when they stand up and even WALK out their chairs in public.
this product has certainly earned its name — fabulous indeed!
in the course of this summer, i’ve traversed four continents: north america, asia, europe and africa. my skin has had to adjust quickly to differing weather conditions, from the heavy humidity of the Taiwan to the scorching sun of Morocco. one product that has kept my skin balanced, bright and blemish-free is Aesop’s Fabulous Face Oil.
despite coming in a dark glass jar (which Aesop claims to better preserve the ingredients), it is highly portable. that 25mL jar goes a long way. one drop is all you need. it smells divine — a summery salad of ylang ylang, evening primrose, jasmine, and the list goes on. Aesop does not claim that their products are entirely natural or entirely organic, though they do stay away from certain chemicals (parabens, for instance); Aesop prioritizes effectiveness. and the Fabulous Face Oil is effective.
Love your bodies, love yourselves, be confident and just have fun! Life is too short for self-loathing!
You deserve to be happy! So embrace your body! Be thankful for what you have! You are ALIVE!! Take a DEEP breath. You feel that air? The oxygen filling up your lungs. That’s beautiful.
You have all the opportunities in the world! You can do anything! I know that there is darkness in the world, there are cruel people, and shitty circumstances. But the world keeps spinning, it’s not gonna stop, every day is a new day, full of new opportunities and we should all take advantage. I know it can hurt, I know what it’s like to want to die because of how much it hurts… but you can turn it all around. You find joy in life no matter what your circumstances! It’s not over until it’s over, and there is so much LIFE out there for you to explore!
You are beautiful. Your life is beautiful. Take another breath, inhale positivity and light, let it attach itself to your lungs. Exhale, pain and anger, push it all out. You’re doing it, you’re surviving and you can love yourself and you can be happy.
NO MATTER WHAT INSECURITIES YOU HAVE! PROMISE ME YOU’RE GOING TO TRY AND LOVE YOUR BODY THIS SUMMER! PROMISE ME YOU’RE GOING WERQ WHAT YOU’VE GOT!!
An out of nowhere, middle of the night, early morning, post.
Most of my life has been spent feeling insecure and thinking there was something wrong with me. When I was very little, it was as simple as my social skills, kids my age did not understand me, I did not have many friends, I would try my best to fit in but typically ended up annoying people. As I grew older, my social skills still somewhat lack, but I have found people who find my company charming, I don’t annoy them, they love me, and I love them.
Around the age of 10, I started becoming incredibly insecure about my body, which we later became aware was actually the start of my depression and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. After two years at an acting conservatory, just a couple of months before I turned 20, I left school to focus on recovery and I haven’t looked back since.
Then in my adolescence, I was completely lost as to where I fit in sexually and romantically. The pressure to label my sexuality was confusing; I found certain boys charming and aesthetically pleasing, but didn’t want to have sex, so was I asexual? At 15, I was secretly romantically and sexually attracted to a girl… maybe I’m bisexual? Better just keep calling myself straight, probably best not to say anything about it, right? I mean, it’s just one girl. But then there were more girls, but I’m straight, right? That’s what I keep saying out loud, and if I say it out loud, it’s true.
In college, a couple more loud crushes on boys and then… the girl I like, likes me back, Her and I are together for a moment. So…. maybe gender doesn’t matter to me? I’m pansexual. Come out to mom. Mom is UPSET. “You’re a lesbian!” she yells at me through tears, “No, mom! Maybe someday I’ll like a boy in that way, I don’t know! Who knows?!”
Years go by. The moment I admitted to myself that I like girls, the false crushes on boys ceased. I currently identify as a lesbian and it is the most honest feeling label. My mother has become so much more accepting and even jokes with references to lesbian culture.
So in this moment, late at night, I found this picture; that seemed to showcase it all. My awkwardness, my body, my sexual orientation. Today, I love my entire self.
Currently watching 30 Best/Worst Beach Bodies, studying the opinions of the people being interviewed. Pretty much it’s “Let’s praise the people who work out a lot and put a lot of focus on keeping a muscular and fit physique and anyone who doesn’t do this should feel ashamed.”
They showed a chubby Leo DiCaprio at the beach as a worst body, and I was like “Really? I think he’s hot!” The same with Vince Vaughn! They try and make it seem like there’s no way you can be good looking or sexy if you are chubby and/or have cellulite and that makes no sense to me.
I don’t understand why such shows exist; why people feel the need to judge the bodies of others. Why is that entertaining?
With my insomnia at night I’ve also been seeing more hour long promotions and they are 90% of the time for a beauty product. It’s either P90x, QuickTrim, Wen, Proactive, some piece of exercise equipment or some fitness plan/video; all of which promote the idea that once you are beautiful enough, you will be happier. They intend to make you feel like the way you look holds you back, but if you have the money to fix the way you look, you’ll be happier.
When the media makes a body type a trend, it’s because they can sell it to you. You can argue that the media only shows us what we want, but I believe the truth is they will show us what they can sell us, to then convince us that it’s what we wanted all along. That’s pretty much how you sell stuff, convincing people that they want it and need it.
I think the manipulation and greed, the exploitation and humiliation of bodies that don’t fit the media’s ideals is more disgusting than any BODY could ever be. Your body is NOT and will NEVER be disgusting, the businesses and behavior of the people that try to convince you that it is, are.
Fully admit to my #NoPantsFriday trial and error selfie photo shoot for #LoveBox and no shame, had a great time!
Been feeling really crappy about my body lately, being triggered by some doctor visits and health issues, but selfie photo shoots can be such a help!
LoveBox is an online radio show rated for mature audiences with weekly special guests and discussions about love, sex, relationships, and more! Join the conversation! Follow @loveboxmia on instagram and twitter!
I don't know how many people will see this tonight
But it’s worth a shot.
I’m entering Seventeen Magazine’s “Pretty Amazing” contest to shoot a cover for Seventeen Magazine, this is my first time entering a contest like this, though wouldn’t be my first magazine shoot. When I was seventeen, Teen Vogue asked for an interview and shoot with me after one of their reporters found me in an online autism community.
Seventeen’s contest is looking for “the ultimate real girl to be on the cover of Seventeen!… Tell us what makes you totally amazing!”
I want to include most of the things I am passionate about; including body image, autism, equality, and positivity.
But I’m having trouble seeing myself from an outside perspective; trouble realizing what it is I may do for people, so here is where I need your help!
If you would PLEASE send me a message or answer this post, telling me why you think I would be “the ultimate real girl to be on the cover of Seventeen”, just so I can get an idea as to what to write, because I"m currently stuck for words.
In make up class, we had to design our own clown mask. I went for a more “Cirque du Soleil” type clown, rather than a classic clown like most of the others.
My make up professor Estella, is VERY intuitive, she’s one of my heroes. She is very wise and I’ve made such a connection with her. When she saw me in my make up, she wanted to cry, she told me later that without me saying a word, she knew what it meant to me. We discussed it at conferences. Here’s what everything means:
The blue stripes down my face- represent pain and depression, symbolized by what look like tears, the lines fade, to show that pain fades with time.
Three- I use 3 to symbolize “past, present, and future”, three tear trails, three meaning “always”. “Pain will always fade”
The black eye- represents abuse and darkness
The spirals stemming from the black eye - the spirals represent growth, we grow from darkness, we grow from our pain
Red smile - a constant smile, to represent the glad game, “there’s always SOMETHING to smile about”
Three red dots on forehead- Red. Just like the lips. This color connection represents the connection of mind and mouth. To speak your mind. The fact that there are three dots, three, represents “always”. A promise to always speak my mind.
If you keep thinking you're not good enough, then you'll never be.
You’ll always end up finding something wrong with you. You’ll always compare yourself to others and feel bad when someone has something that you don’t. You’ll always think that getting the thing you don’t have will make you happy. You will continue to postpone happiness because you keep focusing on what you don’t have and what you are not.
Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Forget everyone else. You are you. You are fucking awesome. You are unique. You are gorgeous. You have the air in your lungs. You have plenty to be thankful for. You are enough.
I was working all day, but now I can put my feet up and say…
I love my body, guys. I love my body, I love myself. I went through an incredible journey to get to this point in my life and it’s been an incredible ride. Let’s look at my thoughts then and now:
Then: “I’m fat and ugly, no one will ever like me.”
Now: “I’m friggin fabulous at any size and the RIGHT people in life will love me no matter what”
Then: “I will never get acting jobs at this size”
Now: “I get the parts I am meant to have”
Then: “She is prettier than me”
Now: “She’s SO pretty, wow! I should tell her how nice she looks today!”
I love what I see when I look in the mirror, I love my body.
I wish more people loved theirs; the fact that they don’t, is a great injustice, that’s why I am so passionate about it. I have never and will never stand for injustice. People are taught to hate their bodies, I want to inspire people to retrain their brains, reverse the thought patterns and be body positive. Love your body, love yourself, today, tomorrow, and always!