RAZORBLADE ▪ Eoghan & Aengus
He felt horrible. Quite horrible, actually. He felt lost and angry and hopeless. Eoghan knew he could remedy this all by just talking, communicating with his best friend, but the fact was that at this moment, and in near future moments, he had absolutely no want for it. He’d been so dumb, he lamented in the privacy of his mind, so rash, so impulsive. Aengus had seemed so casual about it all. Like it wasn’t the single most exciting, wrong, magical thing that had ever happened, and… Lord, he’d been so stupid for agreeing, for somehow pushing it. Had it been his fault? He probably shouldn’t have done it, but the fact was that he hadn’t been thinking, nor had he want to be thinking.
Eoghan was seated on the stairs of the Entrance Hall, a book in his lap so he had a surface to write on. The point of his biro gently rested against the paper, empty safe for dear mum and dad written in Eoghan’s neat handwriting, and his unused arm was propped up, elbow on his knee and his hand in his hair. He didn’t know what to write. He always wrote to his parents, every week, and had done so since he started Hogwarts seven years ago. Sometimes the letters would be more exciting than other weeks, but right now, he couldn’t bring himself to write what had happened.
He’d never told his parents he was gay. He’d never told anyone. He’d never even told Nora, even though she knew by figuring it out for herself. Part of him was glad that she knew, trusted her with everything he had, but now he had this issue… This issue that he didn’t want to bother her with, at least not at the start of the year, so suddenly. He couldn’t write to his parents either, because then he’d also have to include a confession of his sexual orientation.
Eoghan swallowed hard. Why had he done it? Why had they done it? Granted, he didn’t regret doing it, had wanted to since he discovered sexual attraction when he was thirteen, but it had just… messed everything up. He shouldn’t have done it. Aengus’ friendship was worth more to him than this, and he was well afraid that had been bollocksed up now. But the thought immediately made a flood of anger wash over him. The words still swirling in his mind, mocking him, hurting him. Like he’d just let anyone fuck him just because he was a good person? Like he was easy just because he was nice?
It hurt to think that Aengus could think that about him. It hurt and angered him, and it was exactly why he had chosen to avoid his best friend for the past couple of days. Of course, it wasn’t hard, being in different houses, not always sharing classes together, and when they did, Eoghan simply ignored him. Because he was hurt and angry and he didn’t dare to look at Aengus, because he knew he was probably just as angry, even though Eoghan didn’t fully understand why.
With a sigh, Eoghan shook his head slightly, idly toying with his own hair as his forehead rested in the palm of his hand. Everything’s fine here, he wrote, nothing special happened. School is good. Everything is good. Love, Eoghan. Maybe in time he could find it in him to tell them. But not today.