advisory report

Stephen Hawking joins Yuri Milner and others in a fantastic bid to explore outer space

With a team of brilliant minds beside him, Internet investor Yuri MIlner announced that he’s spending $100 million on a fantastic and futuristic plan to explore the final frontier.

At a press conference held at One World Observatory in New York, Milner shared his plan, and said that the eventual goal is sending hundreds or thousands of tiny spacecraft, each weighing far less than an ounce, to the Alpha Centauri star system.

The idea is that the spacecraft would be powered by energy from a powerful array of Earth-based lasers, flying at about one-fifth the speed of light. They could reach Alpha Centauri in 20 years, where they could make observations and send the results back to Earth.

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Travel Advisory Issued After Report by Kirin Tor Officials

The Kirin Tor has issued the following Travel Advisory after recent findings. Officials said that they have  noted increased fel activity detected in the areas listed below. Kirin Tor are investigating the cause of this increased activity. They advise caution when traveling in these areas and ask, if travel is necessary, for any strange occurrences to be reported immediately.


Northern Barrens

Eastern Kingdoms

Hillsbrad Foothills
Dun Morogh

Re:  Elf on the Shelf Reporting Requirements

To:  Santa

I am not sure what I am supposed to be reporting on here.  Subject is a child, doing things all children do.  Parameters of your naughty list are vague.  Please advise which of the following possible actions deserve a “naughty list” designation:

  1. Subject blew nose multiple times in tissue and threw tissues on floor where they remained until parent picked them up.
  2. Subject asked for grilled cheese, then refused to eat grilled cheese.
  3. Subject keeps singing theme to 1-877-Kars-4-Kids
  4. Subject did not wash hands after using the potty, was called on it, then went back and ran water to pretend they had washed hands.

Do these rise to “naughty” level?  

Frankly, the Elf on a Shelf mission is problematic.  My trade is toy-building, not spy-craft.  I am uncomfortable with this surveillance and question its necessity.  Is my reporting merely advisory?  Don’t you already know who’s been naughty and who nice?  

Respectfully, I submit that myself and other Elves on Shelves be re-deployed to the North Pole Toy Facility.  The demands and deadlines of Christmas were already straining our toy workforce before so many of us were assigned to spy on children.  

- EOS1456