adventures in social terrorism

i can’t even begin to describe my con experience so im just going to

post

in increments

starting with that moment before the louden swaine concert where i decided i really needed to go to the bathroom so i go to the bathroom except i didnt see the sign so i just walk in and 

SMACK RIGHT INTO MATT COHEN AS I HEAR THE AUDIBLE ZIP OF HIS PANTS

AND HE SMILES DOWN AT ME AND IM ALL keep cool keep cool holy fuck his eyes are so blue kEEP COOL AMY

so me

the epitome of cool

say “oh hey matt!”

and he says “hey!”

“you know this is the men’s room, right?”

in my attempt to be cool when meeting matt cohen i literally forgot i was in a restroom and the WRONG RESTROOM MIGHT I ADD AND BEGAN BACK SPACING AND APOLOGIZING SO HARD AND HE WAS LAUGHING AND SO COOL ABOUT IT AND THEN I TURN AROUND AND 

SMACK

RIGHT INTO SEBASTIAN ROCHE’S CHEST

AND HE’S LIKE “OH WOAH WHAT’S THIS. GONNA REMEMBER THIS ONE!”

AND I SPRINTED OUT OF THERE BLUSHING LIKE A TOMATO AS MATT AND SEB LAUGHED IT OFF

SO YEAH

I WAS LITERALLY AT THE CON FOR TEN MINUTES AND THAT HAPPENED

TBH ARE WE EVEN SURPRISED AT THIS RATE THAT I DID THAT I MEAN CMON

i am going to preface this story by saying that THIS is the reason why i cannot go to a fan convention to meet chris evans because fan conventions literally make me act like i am on crack i am an embarrassing human being PLEASE so BEAR WITH ME

Keep reading

story time gather round

so I didn’t find out until late 7th grade what a blow job was, and even then it was very loosely explained to me by a few girls who basically said ‘you blow with your mouth on a guys penis’

which, being 13 years old, I assumed it just meant blow air on a guys penis

like a pinwheel

so my freshman year I went to this birthday party and they played this game called 'suck and blow’ which is very much one of those pointless games meaning to get you kissed (you put a playing card on your lips and suck in and someone has to take it off your lips with their lips and if it drops you kiss)

and everyone was laughing because 'HAHAHAHA SUCK AND BLOW’

and I didn’t get it

what was so funny about sucking, I asked

and everyone looked at me and my friend Hannah said, “Amy do you even know what a blow job is?”

And I was very proud and said “Sure I do! It’s when you blow air onto a dick! You know. Like a musical instrument. Like a pinwheel.”

I was met with fifteen shocked faces and silence. 

My friends were so affronted by my innocence they sat me out the rest of the game and put me on lookout duty for any parents that might show up. Their excuse was 'We don’t want to taint you’

This story doesn’t really have any point. I just thought I’d share because for a good two years of my life I thought a blow job literally meant blowing air and that was it. No mouth to kak contact. Just blowing air. 

Hi and welcome to Amy’s blog. 

britishindisguise  asked:

DATE DETAILS.

he’s a PA that I work with

he started this morning by putting his arm around me when I was cold and singing my name when he handed me things on set and we’re the same age and we are practically the same majors and he gave me a ride home tonight except we got lost and needed to stop for gas and we drove with the windows down and it was freezing and he was smoking and it was the first time ive been attracted to the scent of cigarettes and he swerves on the road and i scream and he responds by rEACHING ACROSS AND PETTING MY KNEE I NEARLY FAINTED

and then he says “we left los angeles”

and i say “well shit”

and then he asks me if I want to go get something to eat

cue us walking into a southeast asian food place on sunset boulevard and us getting food and him telling me all about his amazing life (dude is some kind of travel buff holy shit) and asking me about life and we have dinner  and then we leave and we miss a turn aGAIN AND HE SAYS “GOSH YOURE SO DISTRACTING” AND I SAY “WELL GOLLY WHIZ IM SO SORRY IM CHARMING AND DISTRACTING” ALL SARCASTIC AND THEN HE GOES

YEAH

YOURE SO CHARMING AND ATTRACTIVE GOD AMY COULD YOU NOT

!!!!!1!!!!!!

HE WAS PROBABLY JUST BEING SARCASTIC HE MIGHT JUST BE ONE OF THOSE REALLY TOUCHY NICE PEOPLE BUT MY LINE OF THINKING IS THAT HE WASN’T LIKE THIS WITH THE OTHER PAS

EXCEPT THERES NO LOGICAL REASON HE SHOULD BE TALKING TO ME?!?~?~?

AND THEN WE PULL UP TO  MY HOUSE AND I MADE A JOKE THAT HE’D NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN AFTER WE FINISHED SHOOTING AND HE SAYS “HELL NO I’LL TOTALLY TALK TO YOU. AS LONG AS YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME.”

AND I SAID 

YEAH

YEAH I WOULD

AND THEN I SMILED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND GOT OUT OF THE CAR

I MIGHT BE OVERTHINKING THIS BUT

DATE???!//1////?/#?Q3/4E?@#

okay so in my delirious haze of not sleeping I decided to go downtown and go to the bank today and cash my early birthday check so i can have money to spend this weekend (thank goodness my great grandmother loves me)

and

when the bank teller gave me my receipt and my cash and smiled at me I was so relieved and slap happy I blurted really loudly:

“MAY JESUS BLESS YOUR BORN OR UNBORN CHILDREN WITH STUNNING GOOD LOOKS AND BRAINS THANK YOU KIND SIR AND GOOD DAY”

and then I dashed out of there

OKAY FUNNY AMY STORY TIME HAW HAW

SO HERE’S THE THING I'V NEVER SEEN A REAL LIFE CONDOM BEFORE??? LIKE IN REAL LIFE???

AND I’M WORKING SOUND FOR A MUSICAL RIGHT NOW AND THERE’S A TRICK IN THEATER WHERE YOU PUT CONDOMS ON THE MICROPHONE TRANSMITTERS SO THE ACTORS CAN’T SWEAT THROUGH AND RUIN THE MICS

SO TONIGHT MY SUPERVISOR WAS LIKE AMY TOMORROW YOU’LL CONDOM THE MICS, OKAY?

AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THAT LIKE

CONDOM

HOW DO CONDOM

HOW PUT CONDOM ON MICROPHONE

HOW

BECAUSE THAT JUST BRINGS UP A SLOUGH OF QUESTIONS AND MY SUPERVISOR IS REALLY CUTE SO I CAN’T JUST BURST OUT ‘HEY WANNA SHOW ME HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON’

FUCK ME

anonymous asked:

Have you ever been in a fight? Would you kick someone's ass, or would you get beat up?

Funny story.

I used to have this friend in 8th grade who was not actually a friend. She used to make fun of me for liking striped overalls and never wearing makeup and she used to do this little thing where she would slap me in the face and say ‘Oh just kidding!’ 

So one day on the PE field she did it again and turned to walk away from me. And I swear on my life I don’t remember what happened but one minute I’m standing there and then the next she’s lying on the ground, screaming.

According to my guyfriend Luke, I kicked her right in the ass/crotch.

So hard, in fact, that I broke her hymen and she bled. This is what she screamed/sobbed at me at least as we were walked to the Dean’s office where we were forced to shake hands and apologize. I felt so guilty that I started crying, because I didn’t want to hurt her but she was so awful to me and I just saw red for a good five seconds.

So yes, I have both literally and figuratively ‘kicked someone’s ass’. 

And technically speaking I’ve also taken someone’s virginity by the measly age of 13. so there’s that.

But now I guess it would depend on why they were beating me up. I’m a scrapper, and most likely I’d be the one to do the ass kicking, especially if I was defending a friend. 

okay so remember that time exactly one year ago to this day that i broke my left hand after falling on my bike because there was a praying mantis sitting on my hand and i freaked out and went to the emergency room and was in a cast for 6 weeks?

i’m walking out of my apartment this morning thinking ‘wow a year ago i broke my hand’ and being all introspective about how different my life is from that point

open the door

gigantic fucking five inch praying mantis just sITTING THERE IN WAIT ON THE DOOR MAT FOR ME

FUCKER TRIED TO CRAWL INTO THE LIVING ROOM

WHAT IN FRESH HELL

goddammit we literally just met what if he thought i was cute last night in the dark but then realizes im actually a troll during the day time what if its awkward i can only make so many bad puns and witty quips before things go south what if he tries to kiss me am ready to kiss someone again? am i ready to date? IM TWENTY YEARS OLD THIS SHOULD NOT BE CAUSING AS MUCH ANXIETY AS IT SHOULD

FUCK THIS

IM MOVING TO GUAM

does someone want to explain to me

how I can be in the grocery store with my grandma and be shopping and happy and oh look I even help an old lady carry her groceries to her car and the cashiers tell me I’m sweet and I act all charming and cute and ‘aw shucks’

but the second a cute boy walks in to albertson’s with his cute hair and cute dimples I literally do nothing but stare at my feet and ponderously stroke the avacados until he walks away

how

so we’re reading this graphic novel called Maus for my biographies class, and it’s about Nazi Germany and the labor camps

and I walked into class and the teacher asked us what we knew about the Holocaust

and being Jewish I’ve written a good six or so major essays about the Holocaust in high school and like yes it’s traumatic but it’s very fascinating to me

so I blurted “I LOVE THE HOLOCAUST”

and my class just

looked at me