I’ve been wanting to post something all day today, to get all of this off of my chest and finally admit out loud how much I have seriously fucked up in the past two years - so much so that I can’t believe all of this has taken place in only two years.
I allowed myself to stay with someone who was controlling, manipulative, and abusive, and why? Because I felt like I deserved the treatment. I viewed all of the verbal abuse, the choking, the shoving as punishment for all of the wrong-doings I had committed against so many people in my life. Because of the things I did at the beginning of my relationship with R, I told myself that I deserved everything that was done to me. I let myself believe him every time he told me it was my fault he flipped out, that if I had just done/said something differently, he wouldn’t have hurt me, or broke my laptops, or kicked me. However, when the abuse started to take place in front of our daughter, I knew enough was enough. It was one thing to think that I deserved the treatment, but she didn’t deserve to witness the violence, the screaming and the yelling. I should have left when the first red flags started popping up, the first time he hurt me when he bit my face, but like a weak idiot, I stayed.
I’m tired of feeling like this. I don’t want my daughter to grow up and think that she deserves to be treated that way by anyone. She deserves a mother who is strong, and home that is safe.
I have very few friends now. I really only have one person who I know I can trust, and would be willing to help me out no matter what. I am without a phone, because they either keep getting destroyed, or it’s just not worth having to deal with his constant paranoia that I’m seeing someone else - I work 40-50 hours a week, and the rest of my spare time I am with Alanna, usually at home, and I am without any means of communicating with another person via email or text message. The only thing I have is a house phone that he constantly checks to see who I’m talking to. I was constantly having to walk on egg shells, because I had no idea what would piss him off that day, or if he had gone without smoking weed the night before, or if he just decided that he wanted to just be an asshole. I was like a single mom, except I would throw away money each month so that I could keep a near-useless man in the house, who couldn’t even bother to clean up after himself or mow the lawn or properly take care of his own child.
I’m so ashamed of myself. Because of shallow decisions that I made, I have majorly screwed myself over in the long run. The only positive thing that came out of this was my daughter.