adult brain

me: oops I just remembered something hideous that happened 18 years ago but I’m not going to let it or everything culture robbed me of as a child/adolescent due to my identity ruin an otherwise perfectly fine day even if the residual effects and PTSD and bottomless formative scars are still loudly bleeding into every facet of my adult life :) :)

my brain:

  • ADHD hell brain: you want something
  • Me: ok, what?
  • AHDH hell brain: something.
  • Me: ...what something?
  • ADHD hell brain: sound.
  • Me: ok? Music? Netflix? YouTube?
  • ADHD hell brain: .....you want something...

Listen…,,..,.Hazel is too young for Frank

Why Teens Shouldn’t Run Revolutions

Hi guys. I’m going to piss off a lot of YA writers (and possibly readers) today, so hang onto your hats.

Mainly, if you’re in love with the idea of a high schooler with no strategic or combat experience heading up a revolution or war because they’re “so dedicated and determined,” don’t read this. Please, don’t. You’re not going to see anything you like. Go ahead and keep enjoying your guilty pleasure – that’s fine. I’m not going to own up to some of the guilty pleasures I love in fiction but don’t buy for a second in real life. That’s chill. Go for it, man.

But there are just things that I – and readers like me – are tired of seeing. If you’re sick of that trope, then keep reading. If you’re open to the idea of ditching that trope in your writing, then I really recommend reading.

This assessment/collection of tips on why teens shouldn’t run revolutions - and if you’re going to make them, how they CAN do it well - will include comparisons to history, other fiction (Unplugged), and Black Butler. Plus swearing and a range of incorrect capitalizations, because it’s fun.

On we go:

Keep reading

i was so shook when I saw Almost Adults on Netflix IT WAS SO WEIRD NATASHA AND ELISE PLAYING BEST FRIENDS AND I HAD TO CLOSE MY EYES WATCHING NATASHA KISS A GUY BECAUSE DESPITE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN CASSIE AND CARMILLA I STILL SAW HOLLSTEIN AND I WAS LIKE CARMILLA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Thoughts on explaining brain fog that doesn’t fit ADHD stereotypes to a psychiatrist [avoid if discussion of stimulant medication, psychiatry, or brain fog causes you distress]

I had an illuminating conversation today with a psychiatrist, trying to explain what I call my “bad brain days.”

It helped me understand where neurotypical professionals can get confused and misunderstand, when trying to help people with ADHD get unstuck.

I have days where I don’t have the energy to do anything mentally taxing, especially writing. Should I attempt to write, I just sit there expending willpower, yet nothing comes out, until I get frustrated and give up.

Now, I forget this sometimes, but getting stuck like this can come with many different internal experiences. Some people with ADHD get stuck because they feel anxious and overwhelmed. Some get stuck because they are constantly interrupted by distracting thoughts or sensory stimuli. Some just can’t get motivated.  The psychiatrist, being a thoughtful and caring person, asked if each of these different ADHD problems was what I experienced. 

I told him, they were not. Well, I have experienced each of these things, but they’re not what I mean by a bad brain day, or brain fog, or fatigue. Moreover, I can deal with them if I’m not having one of these bad brain days.

Rather than constant racing thoughts, or distracting sensations, I experience a complete mental blank. The only thing I experience (other than frustration and anxiety about being in this state) is a feeling of painless pressure inside my head, as if the space that would normally be filled with thoughts were stuffed with cotton balls. I forgot to tell him, but I move slowly, too. It takes a while to reply when people talk to me, and if I try to play a real-time video game, I get killed constantly. 

It’s as if everything–thinking, moving, and most of my emotions and conscious perception–ceased to function for no apparent reason, and I lost access to all the capabilities I normally have. Ironically, I even lose most of my capability to get distracted.

I told him what it was like to sit on the couch and will yourself to stand up and not be able to do so. As if your actions were a horse and your will were a rider and the reins had been cut, as someone on Tumblr memorably put it. To finally get back the ability to move by forcibly, with agonizing effort, moving your little finger or toe the tiniest fraction.

I told him, this isn’t distraction, this isn’t anxiety, and it’s not lack of motivation. It happens when I want to do things, they’re important and urgent, and I’m telling myself to do them with every bit of willpower I can muster. What I’m experiencing seems more like the fatigue people with certain chronic illnesses describe, only I have yet to discover any organic cause for my fatigue, and perhaps there isn’t one.

It’s like a car, I said. Suppose you have a really nice sports car and you’re a great driver, but you can’t get the car to start.

Now, suppose your sports car has brakes and steering that act up sometimes. You’re a good driver and you’re used to the car, so you can handle that. But you can’t even get to dealing with that if you can’t start the car in the first place.

And that’s where I get stuck. Yes, I struggle with time estimation, organization, and remembering to remember, but I can deal with those, so they don’t disable me as much. But all my knowledge about ADHD and coping strategies don’t work when I can’t muster the energy to move or think, much less implement those strategies. 

He tried to paraphrase, saying something like, “so it’s trouble getting started?”

Well, yes, but not entirely. It’s trouble getting started. It’s trouble continuing. It’s trouble stopping, and trouble switching. It’s trouble doing anything but playing Sudoku, looking at Pinterest, or browsing Twitter and Tumblr. Or sleeping.

That’s why I take stimulant medications and drink coffee.

He asked what happened when I took stimulants. What sort of effects did I feel like they had?

Without them, on a bad brain day, I’d be at 10-20% of my capabilities. With them, I’m up to maybe 40-50%. Not enough to write, but enough to take care of myself, even clean up around the house a bit. Enough to feel alive.

I doubt he’ll ever fully know what this feels like, but I think I was able to communicate that there’s yet another way to get stuck, besides the ones he knows well. I think he knows what he calls “activation” and I call “lack of energy” causes me more distress than any other ADHD symptom. I’m grateful that he asked, and hope he’ll be better prepared to help others who have energy problems like mine.

The large haemorrhage in this adult brain arose in the basal ganglia region of a patient with hypertension. This is classed as a haemorrhagic stroke. The other form of stroke is an ischemic stroke, which results from a blood clot blocking the flow of blood into areas of the brain. 

If I read the term “textbook psychopath” in conjunction with Eric one more time, I swear I’m going to cram the following down everyone’s throats ad nauseam..

YOU CANNOT DIAGNOSE ANYBODY POST-MORTEM

PSYCHOPATHY IS A CONTROVERSIAL DIAGNOSIS

PSYCHOPATHY IS NOT A RECOGNISED DIAGNOSIS (YET)

ALL DIAGNOSES RELATED TO PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS ARE SET FOR ADULTS ONLY, BECAUSE IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO DIAGNOSE A CHILD OR TEENAGER WITH THEM

CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS CAN ONLY EVER BE DIAGNOSED WITH PRECURSORS TO THESE DIAGNOSES

TEENAGE BRAINS HAVE CERTAIN TRAITS IN COMMON WITH TRAITS ASSOCIATED WITH PSYCHOPATHY THAT DISAPPEAR WHEN ADULTHOOD IS REACHED

TURNING 18 DOESN’T AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOU AN ADULT – YOUR BRAIN MAY NEED SOME MORE TIME TO CATCH UP

ALL THE MATERIAL ERIC LEFT BEHIND WAS WRITTEN WITH AN AUDIENCE IN MIND

ALL THE MATERIAL ERIC LEFT BEHIND IS A BIASED AND UNRELIABLE SOURCE

ALL THE MATERIAL ERIC LEFT BEHIND WAS CREATED IN HIS TEENAGE YEARS

EYEWITNESS ACCOUNTS ARE BIASED NARRATIVES GIVEN TO LAW ENFORCEMENT POST-MASSACRE AND AS FAR AS I AM CURRENTLY AWARE NOBODY HAS NICE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT SOMEONE WHO JUST TRIED TO KILL THEM AND MURDERED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN COLD BLOOD

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING “TEXTBOOK” ABOUT THIS CASE

CALLING ERIC A PSYCHOPATH HARMS THE PEOPLE WHO RELATE TO HIM AND MAKES THEIR OWN HEALING PROCESS THAT MUCH MORE DIFFICULT

CALLING ERIC A PSYCHOPATH LIMITS OUR UNDERSTANDING OF ERIC

  • Me innocently watching Dan and Phil vs Tumblr when I first found their channels: Huh... Tumblr seems like an odd place. I've never really heard of it before. What makes people use this site? I don't think I could ever do that.
  • Me now checks Tumblr a least a couple times a day, has notifications clogging up my phone, around 90% of the content I post and reblog is Dan and Phil: I wonder who the fuck got me into this mess and why I love it so much.
PTSD as a result of abuse in early development.

PTSD is a chronic illness and depending on your history, it might never be gone completely. Especially if that trauma was ongoing and happened young, before your brain is fully formed. And thats pretty much any age under 25.


25!? Yeah.
So the reason the shit that happened when you were a pre-teen or a teenager? That’s why it’s still not ok.
That’s why you might not be experiencing your expected results from therapy, because it’s not enough to treat your trauma as though you are/were an adult.

Popular theory states that it’s only in early childhood development that ongoing trauma or abuse* forces physical and permanent changes in the brain, because it’s still forming.

But the fact is that human brains aren’t fully formed until adulthood
(which can be between 18 and 25 - the same reason you can’t get car insurance till then and why they say you shouldn’t drink) and this extreme trauma forces the brain into what is essentially a ‘reset’ state, where it then adapts to the environment of constant abuse and is harmed in exactly the same way.

 (*Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, mental, or environmental (neglect, emotional neglect etc), and/or being witness to extreme ongoing abuse of someone else.)


So what’s the damage?


Well there is a few things that happen.

Trauma affects what children anticipate and focus on (y’all are children till you’re adults in terms of brains remember), and how you can view and understand the information that you receive.

Changes in how you perceive threats because of trauma end up being expressed in how you think, feel, behave and even how you regulate your biological systems.


This presents in problems with

  • self regulation (being able to start or stop doing something when you think you should, overeating or over-doing anything really is a good example of this)
  • aggression against themselves and others
  • problems with attention and dissociation
  • physical problems (I will expand upon this later)
  • difficulties in self concept (who am I, what am I, believing you have worth, believing you are a person, etc)
  • and the capacity to negotiate satisfactory interpersonal relationships. (Why do I keep ending up in abusive relationships, why can’t I make friends or connect with people etc)

Trauma is so powerful because the amygdala starts functioning almost immediately after birth; children rapidly are able to experience fear and assess danger. Babies get scared even when they can’t think properly because of this.

Basically, early abuse and neglect can affect the development of the limbic system which makes individuals with traumatic histories to become highly sensitive to sensory input, which is known as hypervigilance.

Your amigdala is part of the limbic system that controls instinct, your “lizard brain” that keeps you safe and controls your “fight, flight, freeze, or feign” instinct. (The amigdala and the limbic system are so heavily affected by this hypervigilance that I am going to write a whole nother post just on it’s effects on the body.)

SO. We now know PTSD from your developmental years is more damaging than if the same abuse occured later in life. 

That’s why regular therapy focusing only on CBT might not be enough, that’s why you might not be fully recovered when you feel like you should be. And there are heaps of us with this shit. So you’re not alone, and now that we know why, we’re going to get through it.