admiral of my heart

invisiblelotus  asked:

Hi! I read ShaKaRee recently, and it is honestly one of the best pieces of literature I've ever seen. No joke. You are a fantastic writer and I wish I had your talent! Keep up the amazing work! -Caitlin

AH! Thank you SO MUCH, Caitlin! Wow, this is such a wonderfully kind compliment, and I’m an absolute mess about it, haha!! Thank you so much for reading that monster of a fic, and for enjoying it! And, most of all, thank you  for coming to tell me that you did. This made my day and I just cannot thank you enough! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

AND SO BEGINS YEAR 29.

I feel like I could ramble a lot, but I’ll keep it short and sweet with a simple thank you. I got to work on some of the things I’m most proud of this year. I only hope I can continue to work with people and projects that mean the world to me. I got to meet and hang out with people I admire and adore and who have very special places in my heart and IT’S BEEN A VERY GOOD YEAR OKAY. I appreciate every little ounce of support and encouragement and sharing and lets keep building eachother up <3

AND HERE’S TO THE LAST OF MY TWENTIES! shit

10

LEADER LINE ☆ the pillars of seventeen 

160504 Seventeen’s first win —
S.Coups: We know that this award was given to ask for us to work harder. We’ll be a Seventeen that works hard every week, thank you so much.
PD: The unit leaders cried the most. Woozi, you didn’t get to say anything!
Woozi: (rubbing his eyes) It’s okay. Thank you.
Hoshi: We’ll be a Seventeen that works even harder in the future.

The reason why i cried when i saw that sungwoon got 3rd place was not only that he finally got the recognition he deserves but also how genuinely happy taehyun was for him, even though he already knew that he was eliminated… He was just so happy and so proud of sungwoon for being 3rd place without showing any sign of sadness it warms my heart and makes me cry even more

She had a quiet, masterful presence. There weren’t words to express her beauty, nor could a soul resist the fear of approaching her uncalled.
—  Someone I’ve needed. 🖤
I want to wrap my arms around you, while hearing the rhythm of our heartbeats collide
as i look at you, admiring every single detail, every flaw
And smile, as you where one of the brightest stars who stole the show in the night sky
—  Viola CN ‘’You’’

For most of my life, whenever I saw a feminine aesthetic that I loved, I assumed that my appreciation of it was me wanting to adopt it as my own aesthetic. 

Even as a small child, having an extremely innocent crush on Tifa from Final Fantasy VII led me to tape up the inside of my shirt to show my belly to emulate her. When I saw the curves of beautiful women it made me want to find push-up bras and corsets and long skirts, because I didn’t understand how else to articulate my attraction other than through mirroring what I saw. 

But it also made me feel deeply uncomfortable, to become that mirror. I wouldn’t see myself when I saw my reflection, I would just see a collection of borrowed parts. And it never felt right in the way that looking at other women felt right. 

Eventually I realized I was butch, and suddenly so much fell together– my early gender questioning despite not actually wanting to be a man, my dysphoria surrounding my hair and parts of my body, the way my fantasies of being a boy were only ever in relation to wanting to be with, to protect, to love women, even though I didn’t actually feel masculine or aligned with manhood at all. 

When I had the courage to dress as myself, I could finally see myself when I looked in the mirror. This revolutionary feeling of Wow, that’s me. I look like how I picture myself. People see *me* when they look at me.  

But still a guilt lingered for a long time– I knew I could be beautiful in the way of the aesthetics I found beautiful on other women. I knew I could wear skirts and dresses and low cut shirts, I could wear flowing blouses, I could wear 5 inch heels, red lipstick, all of it. And for a long time I felt like because I could wear those things, then I owed it to the world to perform that femininity. Who was I to surrender it when it was possible? And also, I did think I looked beautiful like that, I just didn’t look like myself. 

But being around femmes and feminine wlw– it helps settle that discomfort. It helped me realize that I can both appreciate the beauty of women expressing themselves in those aesthetics and accept myself as butch without the guilt of feeling like I need to mirror those things in order to show appreciation. Cherishing and celebrating femmes and feminine wlw is the more honest form for me to appreciate those beautiful ways of being. I can admire them without trying to take them on as a part of myself, I can understand beauty in existing in myself even when I don’t look like other beautiful women. 

A few days back, I gave my girlfriend some of my skirts and a dress I used to wear, and she looked gorgeous in them. But more importantly, she looked comfortable and at peace in them in a way I never did. And it was so wonderful to see those aesthetics I’ve appreciated in the way that feels most natural to me– admiring them on a beautiful woman whose smile makes my heart race. 

Louis had lost his mum the day before the XFactor performance and yet he was there trying to smile and get ready for the performance, saying that since fans made the song reach #2 he had even more motivation to smash it on stage. The fact that he thought about fans even during one of the hardest perioda of his life fills my heart with pride and admiration for this young man who has been and still is put through HELL and yet he always finds strength and courage to carry on, give his best, do what he loves, appreciate his fans. He probably has no idea of how STRONG and BRAVE he is and I couldn’t be more proud to be his fan.

I don’t think you’ve yet noticed how captured I am by the sound of you. You haven’t come to understand what the syllables you say mean to me or why I pay such careful attention to the way you’ve made them dance for me. They’re breathing in my head and bouncing around my thoughts, and I don’t know how to get you out of me just yet. Maybe it’s the way the mystery rolls off of your tongue while at the same time everything’s all too familiar. Maybe it’s the way your lips form my name without calling me crazy. I think I’d step into you if it meant getting to hear your lungs calling me from inside your chest as well, if it meant that I could hear your heart sing too.
—  🖤

❛ this will be kept under read more, just to keep from clogging everyone’s dashboard. this is not a follow forever, nor is it tagging every single mutual. it’s more of a personal thank you. although i cannot tag every follower i have, i am thankful for all of you – you’ve all made my experience here amazing. and i appreciate all 800 of you so much !! ❜  

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“And in that moment I knew I was head over heels for him.”