I am actually crying while I write this

PLEASE! I AM BEGGING YOU TO STOP SAYING SHIT LIKE “Your love was a drug and i was addicted” OR “You are my shot heroin and I love being a junkie” IT IS SO UPSETTING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A DRUG ADDICT AND I PRAY TO FUCKING GOD THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO KNOW. 

Withdrawing is not laying in bed crying and thinking back on when you had your drugs (them) in your arms so stop making it out to be that. It is screaming so loud that you lose your voice and it is days/weeks of sickness that could lead to death. It is not being about to eat anything with out it coming straight back up and having panic attacks and such bad depression that you really want to harm yourself. It is sweating so much that your mattress is permanently stained an off yellow color. It is laying in your own vomit and feces because getting up is too painful on your joints. No amount of being with out a person feels like this or leads to this.

Your “addiction” to that person is not causing you to itch so bad that you have scabs all over your bad and then scars from picking at the scabs. No amount of loving someone will cause you to have hallucinations. Is your love for that person going to leave you with track marks on your arms, legs, feet, and neck? No, didn’t think so. 

Are you going to die one of the most painful deaths ever because you kiss this person one too many times? No. You are not.

Stop romanticizing my addiction. Stop making the act of me (or anyone) shooting and snorting pills or dope look like something someone wants. STOP. I am begging you through the hundreds of tears I am weeping right now, please stop romanticizing drug addiction and stop comparing a feeling of love for a person to the feeling of being a drug addict. There are so many metaphors you could use so please delete this one from you memory. 

I was a heroin addict, and I still am, I always will be.

I can’t change the ridiculous nights and days spent nodding in my room alone and the amount of time I wasted trying to hit a fucking vein.

But I can do differently, I can carry my addiction and all I’ve learned from it and use it to be a better person.

I want to use, but I’m not going to.