adam moerder

GM036. They found us in Italy, asleep in a water fountain. People drove us, dressed us, apologized for us. I got so fucked up in Denver we sent out a surrogate. Nobody cared, neither did I. The show always went on. Always. If there was bad press, we didn’t see it. Fans read our rider like it was literature. Our handlers had handlers. Our green room had a green room. Everywhere we went, there they were: our favorite nuts, our favorite cheeses, our favorite baby vegetables. The ultimate in luxury. We let go the one trainer when the second record bricked. Each of us was particular about mineral water, until they told us we couldn’t be. Fifty people became fifteen. We started using tablets on stage, which was embarrassing. Tours got longer, shows got smaller. We stayed at the houses of old groupies, with their husbands and dogs and children. What happened in Indiana is not worth getting into. Everybody knew it was over, even strangers. Outside a steak shop in Philly, an older woman approached us. We thought she wanted money. Instead she had a message: Eat shit and die.

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It’s 2am, they got Game 6 of the ‘93 World Series going on ESPN Classic, and I’m nursing my fourth cosmo when suddenly I get a text from Nick. He says he’s working on something huge.  Controversial. The hottest take. There will be think pieces. The Internet may run out of megabytes before all’s said and done. I tell him he’s out of his freakin’ mind. Then I tell him he’s a goddamn hero.

The fact is, no one has ever actually done a 69. It’s physically impossible. A myth. Some fad cooked up by big global brands to sell deodorant and hamburgers to millennials. Even if it were real, there’s no way it’s enjoyable for either party. Forget where you put your hands–who’s on top or bottom? Do you flip a coin to decide? Or maybe you’re doing it side-to-side? Wouldn’t you just giggle the whole time? It’s 69ing. And what’s the rush? What Fortune 500 company are you CEO of? I mean, whatever happened to taking your time and doing a job right in this country? Take turns!

As for where you put your hands, I’ve heard the butt or back of the thighs will do just fine. – ADAM