adam j. smith

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Marvey AU: Mr and Mr Specter

Harvey and Mike Specter are a normal married couple, living a normal life in a normal suburb and working normal jobs, too. 

However, in reality, Harvey and Mike are both skilled assassins working for different firms, both the best in their field, each concealing their true profession from the other. 

When both are assigned to kill a man named Logan Sanders, nicknamed “The Shark”, they encounter each other on the job and discover the truth. Both employers task one Specter to eliminate the other, and each must choose between their personal and professional lives.

2. Controlly-Doo & Stiffy-Doo

Okay, so a lot of times I laugh AT the judges during panel because they’re ridiculous, but this week is one of the rare times where I laughed with them. Well, mostly with them. 

First, I laughed at Tyra’s take on Keith’s strong performance at the photo shoot.

As far as I know, modeling is the only profession in the world where head trauma is an asset. Years of playing football has probably left him in good shape, then.

Next I chuckled at Miss J comparing Lenox’s pose to putting in eyedrops.

Then everything about Adam’s feedback is hilarious, starting with Miss J comparing Adam’s bright pink suit to unchewed Bazooka gum. Meanwhile, Kelly Cutrone is taken with the unexpected manliness Adam exerts next to a Vespa. 

Haha, what the fuck is she even talking about? Adam tries to demonstrate his gratitude for her praise by muttering some approximation of “thank you” in Korean. Tyra teases him for butchering the pronunciation and then says,

Given that Tyra rarely says words correctly herself, this seems like a healthy attitude for her to take.

Case in point, Tyra soon after fixates on Shei’s “rearenderies” and “sidetoochedness,” words that only make sense in Tyra’s own mind. While she loves Shei’s butt, she hates the size of Shei’s head. The judges proceed to call Shei a “pinhead” repeatedly, until they decide they could “blow up” the size of Shei’s head in photoshop as if she were “a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float." 

After, Tyra’s on the prowl again. Instead of sexually harassing Keith, though, she’s all over Will, saying, "Will, child, if you was 20 years older and straight and not on ‘Top Model,’ we would have to go get some kimchi right now, boo.” Not in a position to be picky, Cutrone is probably like, “I’ll take him as he is.”

The scores are tabulated and Chantelle and Adam land in the bottom two. Tyra notices that they have something in common.

Controlly-doo and stiffy-doo? Well, as a wise woman once said, “Better to try and sound bad than not try at all.”

Still in the competition? Stiffy-doo! Tyra goes so far as to nickname him “America’s Next Sober Model.” Wishful thinking on both parts, I’d say. Adam’s still a few decent photos and 12 steps away from being either a model or sober.

Anyway, I did genuinely find most of judging panel hilarious this time around. I must have been in a good mood or something. Okay, since you asked, I’ll let you in on a secret… I’m in a good mood because I had sex with the manaconda. You can’t tell anyone that I told you, though, and I’m definitely not lying. No, don’t ask Keith… no don't…

Fine, I’m just gonna go sleep in the hallway.

5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 13

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1. #FratStar

Fuck, I am not looking forward to having to deal with this guy.

Adam introduces himself as “your typical lovable fraternity guy” and I’m left scratching my head. I can easily picture hundreds of typical fraternity guys, yet not one of them would I consider lovable. The very idea that he thinks being a drunk asshole makes him in any way admirable shows he has a warped perception. As I watched him brag about partying, all I could think was he’s in for a wakeup call when he graduates college, leaves the fraternity, and discovers that the real world isn’t nearly as tolerant of this obnoxious behavior.

AND THEN I NOTICED THAT HE’S 26! That means that Adam is more than a few years out of undergrad and just clinging to this fraternity identity. I can decide whether it’s more pathetic or scary. He tells the judges, “I’m somewhat of a legend in my fraternity. They actually still have a pledge event where they ask trivia questions about me." 

Hmm, is that actually an honor? If I were to guess what some of the questions look like:

  • How many times was Adam admitted to the hospital with alcohol poisoning?
  • How many times did campus security write up Adam for stealing their golf carts?
  • How many sorority sisters regretted waking up next to Adam?

Every reason to hate Adam is apparent in his ideal schedule:

Tyra might like Adam’s "energy,” but at least it’s clear that the editors despise him. Notice how they listed Adam’s first sex session at just two minutes long.  

I wouldn’t mind Adam so much if he were just a stupid frat guy who knows at some level that he’s a loser but is too much of a lush to make any life changes. Adam, however, genuinely thinks his frat-brother-for-life attitude makes him a champ. He also keeps boasting that he’s smarter than everyone else, too. [Like Miss J’s masculine side, though, “footage not found.”]   

“Everyone parties,” says Adam. “I’m just better at it.”

Case in point: if these people were partying as well as Adam, would they have to have their faces blurred? Didn’t think so!

“I’m in the top 1% of partiers in the country,” he also asserts to Tyra. I love how casually and confidently he breaks out that statistic as if that figure is in anyway scientific. Site your source, Adam. How does someone measure who is a better partier? Which academic publication is ranking American partiers and placing you in the 1%? 

That said, I would agree that Adam is in the top 1% of making me throw up in my mouth a little bit, especially when he says things like, “I’m gonna be on alpha male mountain looking down at all the people who are less attractive than I am. Hello, ladies! I’m gonna come in hot. I’m coming in like a banshee outta hell. Probably french seven or eight of them just off the bat, let ‘em know I’m here to play.” Oh, and then he growls like a lion.

Thank goodness we have someone like Miss J who is happy to mock Adam’s weird grunting and growling. He did lose me a little bit, though, when he mentions he “wants some of what [Adam] got.” No. If Adam does happen to share any pills with you, double-check to make sure it isn’t a roofie.

At least Kelly Cutrone has an accurate read on Adam. After he leaves the room, she says, “I hope my daughter never comes home with a guy like him.” Look, I don’t even think I like you, Cutrone, but even I think you and your family deserve better. We ALL deserve better.

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 1 

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Black Characters That Made It To The End (in no particular order) - Part 2 

  • Jeryline from Demon Knight 

  • Fool from The People Under The Stairs 

  • Karla from I Still Know What You Did Last Summer 

  • Kim from Death Proof 

  • Stone from 28 Weeks Later 

  • Maggie from Thir13en Ghosts 

  • Ronny from Halloween H20 

  • Simone from Saw 6 

  • Spooner from The Fog (remake) 

As previously stated in Part 1, black characters aren’t always the “first to go” in horror movies. Some die first, many die later on but a few hang in there until the end! 

1. This Isn’t America’s Next Top Idol

Come gather round, kids. Ben has a song to perform for us today. Yes, you have to listen to it, so just be polite!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who suffered second-hand embarrassment watching Ben bring his “gee-tar” to panel. Tyra may have been receptive to singing along with “Big Booty” in the auditions but that’s because it’s completely silly – Ben’s earnest attempt at serenading Tyra about his Top Model experience was never going to go well.

This is the collective reaction when Ben says he has a song to share:

Learn to read the crowd, Ben. Kelly is openly laughing at you, Tyra is straight up gritting her teeth as she finally agrees that he can “share it,” and Matthew can’t even bear to look. Poor Matthew probably tried to find a nice way of dissuading Ben from following through with this plan after hearing him practice because he’s a nice guy, but sometimes there’s just no stopping stupid. 

Here’s the thing, Ben: the world doesn’t need another John Mayer. The world probably doesn’t need the first one either. Men singing with high, gentle (yet not even particularly good) voices while occasionally strumming a guitar are a dime a dozen at this point. There’s even one of these faux-sensitive guys in every frat house, which is why he’s probably hit it off so well with Adam.

Ben sensitively singing about wanting to “be on top” is cringe-worthy, but that’s actually topped by Adam’s rap interlude. Adam raps as well as he models, which is to say very, very, very poorly:

“Dolphin sex
Adonis diapers
Kelly Cutrone, please no more sixes
Throw your boy a bone
I just want to say
Got a sick runway walk all thanks to Miss J
Thought Lenox was gone
She’s quiet as a mouse
But forget that noise
We all still in the house!”

Ah, “dolphin sex.” I think whatever moment that references didn’t make the show previously, so I’m just going to pretend that the pledges in Adam’s fraternity don’t swallow goldfish, they fuck dolphins. 

When Ben starts singing the chorus again, Tyra cuts in and has everyone sing along to drown Ben out. It turns into a “We Are the World” type situation with the other models singing and dancing in the background.

Damn, Tyra, hook us up with another music video/song-writing challenge, would you? You know that shit is entertaining.

When the song is finally over, Tyra says, “I wanna put you in a record studio and record it or something.” I think the emphasis is on “or something” because the look on her face reads more like “I wanna put you in a record studio, lock the door, then burn the record studio down with you inside of it.” It’s okay - “something” is Ben’s favorite lyric anyway:

Tyra gives Ben’s song a 10 which would be great if it counted for anything. His photo scores are nearly half of that and the final tally is not even close. Have we ever seen someone lose by over 6.5 points before? Ben wouldn’t have to be a number whiz who can “crush Excel” like Adam to know he was already mathematically eliminated from the competition. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ben had been working on that song for a while and the producers were like, “Ben, you should really sing that song for Tyra tonight… Oh, no reason…" 

Looks like the song’s line, "we all still in the house,” isn’t true for ol’ Benny boy (or as I like to call him “Jack,” short for Jack-of-all-trades-competent-at-none.) Ben seems remarkably confident that he will be re-entering the competition soon due to his social media scores. Normally I think an optimistic attitude is healthy – it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings, right?! Except, keeping that expression in mind, he did just get Tyra to sing, so… see you never, I guess, Ben!

5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 6

2. Slumber Party!

After receiving her third consecutive Best Photo, Lenox hears word that she will get an unspecified Tyra Treat that she can share with two other models. Lenox chooses Shei and Raelia; Will is upset about being left out even though he talks crap about how he’s going to take Lenox down in nearly every confessional. 

Adam doesn’t make a stink about not getting chosen because he has his heart set on drinking anyway. No, really, the recently departed Matthew even leaves the house a note that asks “Adam and anyone else drinking tonight” to pour one out for him. Evidently, Adam drinking is still a given.  

Frankly, all of them act like they’re drunk when they hear a knock at the door. You can clearly see someone in cupcake pajamas through the window, but that doesn’t stop the models from speculating they are about to be murdered. If only! Unfortunately, the audience isn’t that lucky.

The mysterious figure lets himself in and it's… just Miss J with hair rollers in his hair. He’s here to give Lenox and her friends some pointers on their walks. 

Shei doesn’t need tips because she’s a boss walker. Raelia, however, worries that her walk is “too sexy.” Miss J promises that it’s not too sexy, her problem is that her walk looks like this:

I dunno, seems pretty sexy to me. I’m not the only one who got a boner during this scene, right?

Sadly, Lenox promptly kills that boner by being her usual unsexy self yet again. Miss J tries to loosen her up by getting her to twerk and Lenox is having none of it. Lenox seems like that one kid at the sleepover who calls her mom to come pick her up early the moment someone utters “truth or dare.”

This lack of participation comes back to haunt her at panel when Tyra learns that Lenox still isn’t comfortable with her sexuality. This time around, there was no use for Tyra to give Lenox a low enough score to send her home since she’d just automatically come right back thanks to her lofty social media scores, but mark my words, Lenox is going to get eliminated down the road for refusing to skank it up and it’s going to be super awkward. 

Until then, though, we get onesies! I gotta say, I don’t mind the sight of the models leaping around in pajamas  If anything, I’m surprised the PJs don’t have Tyra’s face plastered all over them like everything else in the house. Anyway, Lenox looks adorable with rubber duckies, as does Will in his nautical snuggie. The only one I don’t approve of is Keith’s getup, since he looks like he’s a convict in that red-orange jumpsuit and do-rag. Oh well, at least they didn’t dress him up like a stripper/fireman… yet.

4 Funniest Moments from ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 9

3. Unbeweavable Judging

Oh lord, this judging panel made less sense than Raelia. The only bit of criticism that was remotely constructive was Miss J telling Raelia to speak slower so he could understand her. That was followed up with Tyra quoting My Fair Lady. Forget her enunciation, Raelia has enough trouble just trying to get the words right.

“The rain in Spain” wasn’t the only Audrey Hepburn reference. Mirjana’s goofy hat took me right back to Cycle 8 reject Natalie who wore a similar hat in honor of Hepburn. She was in that iconic film Dinner at Tiffany’s. Or Lunch at Tiffany’s. Or Brunch at Tiffany’s. Take your pick, none of them is right.

Although, for the record, “warritress” isn’t right either.

I know it’s not a real word because, at the moment, it has just six Google results (probably more once Google archives this post.) I’m just glad Miss J said it first so Tyra won’t add it to her official Top Model dictionary.  

Anyway, I still don’t get why no one calls Mirjana out on her stupid hat, but perhaps Tyra knows better than to criticize anyone’s wardrobe while wearing this:

Dominatrix shoe straps for days! Plus, her tacky jersey is a subtle way of saying that she wants to fuck former football player Keith. Just kidding, there’s been nothing subtle about it all season. 

Well all righty then! We know he’s hung like a horse anyway.

In addition to calling Keith a “one trick pony,” Kelly Cutrone calls him a “tough dude.”

Does this look like a tough dude?! I am not intimidated by this man, but I do pity him a bit.

Kelly says Ben looks “prehistorically horrible” in his shot, like a “drag bar owner in The Flintstones” -  as if he would have chosen that styling for himself in a million years! Whatever, Kelly’s opinion is completely invalidated when she sees Adam’s photo and says it’s the first time she’s considered him a model.

If this is Adam looking more like a model than ever, then he might as well just give up. You have my permission to drink 15 beers tonight after that backhanded compliment, Adam.

Basically, the whole panel, the guys got insulted for having bad hair whipping shots. Well duh. This is like the nail art shoot all over again: the men just aren’t going to look as natural doing this kind of long-hair modeling. The videos look stupid because they were made to look stupid!

It’s just hard to take the scores seriously when they never even once acknowledge the gender difference or attempt to grade the guys on a curve. So when Tyra starts handing out photos to all the girls first and says, “Boys boys boys, what’s going on?” I just shake my (thankfully non-weaved) head. The guys didn’t become worse models overnight, they were given a near impossible assignment.

Not that I mind, for the record! Glue as many weaves to these guys as possible. Hair weaves, beard weaves, armpit weaves, nipple hair weaves… the more gratuitously fake hair you can attach to these waxed men’s bodies, the more I’ll laugh!

5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 6