actuallyasexual

[W]e live in a sexually liberal society, not a liberated one. A truly liberated society is one where sex is value-neutral and not having sex is just as acceptable as having a lot of it.

The fact that asexuals are considered weird, sick, abnormal, mentally ill, repressed, etc is a bold indicator that we are not living in a sexually liberated society but in a liberalized one.

Asexual Parties

there should be asexual parties. we start it off with the dry teeshirt contest where whoevers shirt is softest wins, spin the bottle, who ever it lands on shares a peice of cake with the spinner, then seven minutes in heaven is where you take a 7 minute power nap and people head to the bedrooms to hardcore cuddle.

Friendly reminder that gray-asexual and demisexual people are part of the asexual spectrum, and have a lot of feelings, experiences and struggles in common with completely asexual people, so it is perfectly rational for them to be part of the asexual community if they wish.

Bonus reminder: Asexual people who make shitty comments about gray-asexuals and demisexuals are hypocrites, and they really ought to know better than to exclude or invalidate someone else’s sexual identity.

I just want to say

shoutout to arospec/acespec kids whose attractions and identities don’t stay constant

shoutout to arospec/acespec kids who haven’t felt aro/ace all their life

shoutout to arospec/acespec kids who aren’t 100% iron-clad certain that they will be aro/ace for the rest of their life 

shoutout to arospec/acespec kids who do feel romantic and/or sexual attraction

shoutout to arospec/acespec kids with less-common identity labels which often get left off any resources

shoutout to arospec/acespec kids under the grey umbrella, who often get left out when aromanticism/asexuality is talked about as all or nothing

you’re not a lesser aro/ace for this fact. you don’t have less of a claim to the community. the only one who can define your identity is you, and i’ll never doubt you for it. the community remains open no matter what.

Daily Affirmation 114.

You are allowed to be naive and asexual. You are allowed to be innocent and asexual. You are not required to understand sexual things. Who you are as an asexual is okay.

You are allowed to be dirty-minded and be asexual. You are not required to be puzzled by sex to be asexual. Both of these are valid expressions of asexuality, and neither deserves to be erased or belittled.

Cupiosexual is a subset of asexual. It is used to describe asexuals (people who never experience sexual attraction) who still desire a sexual relationship.
Cupioromantic is a subset of aromantic. It is used to describe aromantics (people who never experience romantic attraction) who still desire a romantic relationship.

(These used to be kalossexual and kalosromantic but there were problems with those words)

I get really frustrated by how difficult it is to find or even headcanon aromantic or asexual female characters.

The ace or aro blogs I check on will often reblog or make posts about what characters can be interpreted as either, but almost without exception they’re all male (you might see the occassional Katniss Everdeen pop up but that’s about it).  Even my own list of ace or aro headcanons has only a few women on it, unless I outright ignore select bits of canon.  It’s upsetting because I know that a lot of the difficulties I went through coming to terms with my own aromanticism and asexuality could have been made easier if I’d had more female characters I could identify with on those levels, but even now when I"m out looking for them it’s so damn hard to find.

There’s two main reasons for this.  

1)  Mainstream media tends to include women only if they can “rent” their space by being a love interest or a sexual object to the male characters.  She’s barely allowed agency in responding to (or, as it’s often shown, caving in to) his interests, so forget about a female character included that exhibits no romantic or sexual attraction at all.  There’s a shitton of heteronormativity and racism wrapped up in here too, but others have done a much better job delving into that than I could.

2)  Mainstream sex-positive feminism tends to glorify an extremely specific, extremely narrow idea of “empowerment,” at the core of which is compulsory sexuality.  The measure of a [white] woman’s freedom, agency, and legitimacy all gets bound up in how frequently she has sex (and, for some reason, how often she punches people in the face, but that’s another issue).  This particular angle isn’t as anti-aro as it is anti-ace, but the message is still the same–there’s no room for women with no sexual attraction here, either, unless shown in an extremely negative, oppressive way.  Frequently, a shy or less sexually experienced woman will be added to the mix, only for the more sexually active woman to “free” and [insert naughty giggle here] ~corrupt~ her.  

In both categories, every positive attribute about them is often framed with the phrase “____ is sexy.”  Intelligence is sexy.  Toughness is sexy.  Reading is sexy.  Loneliness is sexy.  Punching bad guys in the face is sexy.  Being a world-destroying villainness is sexy.  On and on and on and on.  Not only is it extremely alienating to someone who never cared about being sexually attractive in the first place, but it’s all from the perspective of an external [male] gaze judging how appealing the female character is to them.  It’s a measuring stick with units of sexiness.

In the past I’ve gone into how damaging this can be and has been for ace women, but another thing in the end is how even when you’re looking for someone to identify with it’s “disproved” at every turn by the canon itself.  The precious few female characters that don’t end up in a romantic/sexual relationship are often given tons of lines about how much casual sex they have and often shame women who have less.  The ones that seem like they could be aro or ace at first get pulled away from us with a twist that oh, no, her heart was just broken, this dude will heal her and teach her to love again <3  Women in sexual or romantic relationships isn’t inherently problematic in the least, but when there’s nothing but that out there, what does that say to us aro ace women?

That’s why I sometimes get prickly when I see the lists of possibly aro or ace characters going around and there’s nothing but men on there.  We need to take a long hard look at the reasons behind why that’s the case, cause that’s just not good enough for me anymore.  I’m tired of having to look to only male characters for traits I can identify with.  I’m tired of the feeling I don't belong in my own gender because I’m not willing to accept someone else’s sexual interest or summon up interest of my own.

I WANT MORE ARO AND ACE FEMALE CHARACTERS AND I WANT THEM NOW

2

this was an ask that was sent to us recently. i was given permission to screenshot and post it, providing that i left out their url. i know this post is long, but please read it

the reason i requested permission to share it, is because i know there are folks–within the lbgtqia community and outside it–who claim that this sort of absurd bigotry does not happen to asexuals who come out. and i know that an anonymous screenshot may not be “proof” of anything, but i thought it would be better than making a vague rage-post about it on my personal blog

there was a follow up message that i didn’t screenshot, but apparantly this person’s siblings had contacted their aunt and uncle out of “concern,” and their uncle proceeded to make a statement to the effect of “well now you’ve put it on display for the whole world to pick apart.” regardless of the fact that this person made no call for “concern,” and it’s hardly “the world” just facebook, and there really isn’t much to “pick apart”

i have already responded and provided support to the person who sent this, but i honestly had a lot of trouble processing this, and i told them as much, because i could not comprehend the rationale behind this

and we get a lot of stories from aces about reactions to their coming out that i can’t believe actually happen, from mildly cringe-worthy to downright horrifying. but this one might take the cake for sheer ridiculousness and it proves the point that i’ve long been trying to make, that discrimination is not exclusive to only the more visible parts of the lbgtqia community

i’m not trying to make this about who suffers worse. that is not the point. this is not the Misery Olympics, this isn’t a game about Who Has It Worst. the /point/ is that WE ALL SUFFER. and i’m sick and tired about hearing how asexuals need to Shut Up Already because gay people or bi people or trans people, etc, Have It Worse

the point is that word, right up there

i will be honest, so far that’s only a word i’ve seen levied against gay/bi and trans people. so you can imagine my surprise. because honestly what is inappropriate about what happened here? a 16-year-year-old states that they are asexual, a sexuality of not feeling sexual attraction towards any gender, and provides a link explaining

and yet, it’s “inappropriate.” and after the first five minutes i spent boggling trying to figure how in the hell…? i actually have the answer. and it’s very simple, but it took me a while. because there’s no “flaunting” per se, that this word is usually employed to decribe. there’s no significant other, there’s no call for “gay rights,” there’s no obvious shirking of gender roles–just a simple statement of a sexuality that is only not feeling sexual attraction

the answer, as to why it’s “inappropriate” is because this person is not straight

(‘straight’ being the social definition of heteroromantic&heterosexual)

that’s all it’s taken, in this instance. to be considered “too young” to think about “such things.” to now be thought of as an “it.” to be a cause of “concern” for “putting it out for the whole world.” these people don’t know /anything/ about asexuality, all they know is that to /them/ it means that this person who has come out to them is No Longer Straight

this is what heterosexism and heteronormativity /do/. they marginalize and disadvantage anyone who is. not. straight. the privilege only goes to people who are heteromantic&heterosexual. the moment you step out of those lines, you are f*cked

and /this/ is why i have no patience for people who like to the play the ever popular “acephobia isn’t as BAD as homophobia/biphobia/transphobia/etc” game as a way to erase us and silence us. if you want me to show receipts for corrective r*pe and bullying and medical abuse and deteriorated relationships and all the other unique discriminations for ace people, i can do that. but it’s beside the point

by social definition, asexual people are not straight, and so the mere statement of our existence is deemed “inappropriate” for faceboook. and i’ll thank folks–both within the lbgtqia community and outside of it–to stop using that excuse as justification for ignoring our pleas for support

~Mod Q

It doesn’t make sense to me that people with too much time on their hands love to accuse asexuals and demisexuals and grey-asexuals of just wanting to be ~special snowflakes~ who are ~unique~ and ~not like anyone else~

… when the reality is that almost every member of the asexual community that I’ve ever known has been relieved to find they’re not alone.

Some tumblr buddies have been discussing how to explicitly write a character as unmistakably ace/aro, and though I don’t have any clear-cut answers I do have some ideas to throw around that could be useful:

(note, this is to my fellow ace and aro writers, not a list of how to avoid problematic things for allo people)

  • Character just flat-out, explicitly identifies that way.  We’re really pushed to avoid this, but don’t have to.  Can either feature them explaining it or just put them in a (wonderful, lovely) place of everyone taking their word for it and respecting their identity.  
  • Working in a fictional setting?  Maybe worldbuild a little to allow that identity to be established in some way there.  Even if you call it something else to fit the tone of your world, the mere act of explaining what that means to the reader can nail it down as an unarguable fact.
  • If a character is hiding that part of themselves, the narrative can highlight the difference between how they act and how they want to act–what they feel they are and what they feel is expected of them.
  • This one’s really hard for us, but never hestitate to put as much of your own experiences as an ace/aro person into your writing as you want.  This is less “how to keep people from misinterpreting” and more just ways to connect with ace/aro readers.  

Another thing is how other characters understand and react to that character, which is one of the biggest tools a writer can use for establishing anything about a character.  Make use of it!  Some examples:

  • Friends that know what is ace- and aro-phobic or what might alienate them and tell others off when they see it happening, or know when they’ll need to be a shoulder to lean on when it dredges up dysphoria.
  • Others who understand what they are and aren’t interested in, and just treat it as established fact.  
  • Instead of trying to get that single friend to “find someone” so they “won’t be lonely,” they actually make them less lonely by being their friend and consider the idea of pushing them to date about as useful as dragging someone thoroughly disinterested in sports to marathon old taped football games for a week.
  • If your setting supports it, they use the terms for identities and treat them as valid!  Like “I can’t wait to see what [character’s] dream wedding is like”  "I wouldn’t hold your breath, she’s aro" for a shoddy example
  • Allows more room for misinterpretation, but that method can be used whether identity labels are mentioned or not.  Writing characters that affirm that no, that character said they’re not intersted in relationships, stop trying to change them’ shows right off the bat you’re not diving into a plot of ‘this character thinks they don’t need ~love~ but ~just need to open their heeaaarttt~’ or 'this character isn’t interested in sex but just doesn’t know how good it is’ and so on

Unrelated notes: Remember that it is 100% up to you whether your setting has compulsory sexuality or amatonormativity.  Even if you set it in the real world, you are completely and unmistakably free to leave that shit out.  Meanwhile, writing those kinds of issues can be extremely suffocating, but it can also be cathartic, and reading about shared struggles can mean just as much to an ace/aro reader as rolling around in a world completely free of them.  Never feel guilty for preferring to write one over the other.

And remember that there really isn’t a way to keep people from ignoring all of the above and misinterpreting your character, purposefully or not.  "I can ship ANYTHING" and “I will make porn of EVERYTHING” are things fandom takes blatant pride in no matter the context.  I’ve found it to be a lot less stressful to think “how do I write this character so that no allo person can possibly think they’re anything but ace/aro” and to think of writing the story that other ace/aro people would want to read about.

Fellow ace/aro writers, feel free to add your own suggestions!

Asexuality and Sexual Health produced by are:UK

A leaflet designed for sexual health clinics and any place where sexual health is important, this puts forward the case why it’s important to be aware of asexuality and some of the key points relating to the topic. 

Whilst we’re continuing work on projects, we thought we’d link to our leaflet on Asexuality and Sexual Health. Designed primarily for sexual health clinics or other medical settings but but good for more general use along the sexual health theme.

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hello! my name is aster and i just turned eighteen. i am mixed + black, neurodivergent + otherwise disabled, trans, and asexual. i live in the detroit metro area. i know that there are a lot of people needing donations around, but i need your help.

i am putting this under a cut because it is rather long and triggering, so trigger warnings for #emotional abuse, #physical abuse, #a brief mention of suicide, #medications, #and some possible other heavy stuff. in case you can’t read the entirety of this post, this a link my youcaring campaign. 

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