actually i don't know what i signed up for

the signs as Parks and Rec quotes
  • Aries: Jogging is the worst! I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?
  • Taurus: Oh, my God. These dogs are so cute. I WANT TO THROW UP AND KILL MYSELF.
  • Gemini: I think that Comic Sans always screams 'fun'.
  • Cancer: I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't.
  • Leo: I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really, really well.
  • Virgo: Everything in my life is going wrong right now. Whose fault is this? I demand to know.
  • Libra: I'm not interested in caring about people.
  • Scorpio: Ugh. I hate talking to people about things. This is a nightmare.
  • Sagittarius: No, no. That's too much responsibility for me. I gotta— I gotta find a way out of this.
  • Capricorn: Yes. I am a hunter, and it's 'You' season.
  • Aquarius: My anxiety has kept me up for over fifty hours.
  • Pisces: I'm hungry and my legs are tired. It feels like I just exercised!
The Signs as Rick and Morty Quotes
  • Aries: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOON MEN!! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low.
  • Taurus: Listen Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people calls "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.
  • Gemini: Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Morty! Just do the same thing here and we'll be fine!
  • Cancer: The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only fehh-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! Ruh-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. Www.rickandmorty.com. Www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. [closing garage door inside] Www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
  • Leo: Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!
  • Virgo: Okay. 60 (burp) for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.
  • Libra: Morty, that's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver.
  • Scorpio: Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.
  • Sagittarius: WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!
  • Capricorn: Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. ...Come watch TV?
  • Aquarius: My new catchphrase is 'I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!'
  • Pices: Two things I wanna' make clear to EVERYBODY in this room: never betray me, and it's time to go.
smh team + the first time they ever skated

(some based in canon. some just my own hcs.)

bitty: watched the 2002 olympics when he was 6 and fell in love with the ice skating. begged his mama to take him to the closest rink so he could learn. shaky at first, of course, but actually picked it up pretty quickly. convinced suzanne to sign him up for lessons not long after, and the rest is history.

jack: what else? bad bob had him on skates when he could hardly walk. he’d rent out the whole rink just to teach his boy.

shitty: didn’t get his start until he was older, eleven or twelve. his dad was a lacrosse player. decided to pick any sport that wasn’t lacrosse so it would annoy his dad. was pretty awful at first, fell down a ton, but stuck to it, because nothing fuels shitty like contempt.

lardo: learned how to because her high school girlfriend loved to. never really took it seriously herself, but learned about hockey from hanging around the rink so much. she can skate, but prefers to stay off ice when she can. she still wobbles a bit.

holster: started playing hockey really young as a peewee kid, maybe five or six. originally he wanted to be a forward because he wanted to score more goals, but he was the tallest kid on his peewee team so they made him play defense. his mom played, too, so she was the one who first held his hands and skated backwards in front of him when he was four. he never wanted to get off the ice. she had to drag him off.

ransom: started a little older than holster, but not by much, maybe six or seven. kinda like bitty, he begged to learn, but he always wanted to play hockey, not figure skate, obviously. his parents never missed a game until he went to college.

nursey: because he’s a cheesy new york boy, he learned to skate at rockefeller plaza. his moms took him there when he was little and they held his hands on either side of him to hold him up. it was ridiculously adorable. he was a little more graceful on ice than he was off it, but when he wiped out, he wiped out hard. he got back up smiling every time, though. he always wanted to try again.

dex: his older brother taught him to skate on the pond down the road from their house. it was a really rough surface to learn on, so when dex finally skated on actual smooth rink ice, it was actually super easy for him. he still skates on that pond when he’s home.

chowder: his parents did their postgrad at samwell, so he learned to skate at faber! his dad held his hands and skated backwards in front of him, always caught him when he fell forward, while his mom stayed behind him just in case and took millions of photos. like holster and nursey, never wanted to leave the ice. originally wanted to be a goalie because their uniforms are coolest, then turned out to be a really good goalie.

I just had a thought

So you know how Bill was able to rearrange Preston Northwest’s face and how he deconstructed Ford’s body at the atomic level and rebuilt it at the other side of the room?

Well, after reading this horrifying post that explains just what effects a 500 volt shock would have on Ford’s body, I got to thinking of just how in the world the man managed to still stay alive and coherent - let alone able to stand and function relatively normally - by the time the Resistance staged their rescue mission. Adrenaline can only do so much after a certain point. Ford had to go through literal days of torture (building the Mystery Shack robot did not take mere hours, after all), and lbrh, this is Bill we’re talking about here. I’m sure he could get very creative when he put his mind to it. Being zapped with electricity was probably the least of Ford’s problems during that time.

So the more I think about it, the more I find it extremely plausible that any time Ford’s body was just about ready to give out and shut down from the sheer amount of damage it had taken… Bill just took a moment to patch up the worst of it and started right back in on him again. Heck, I’m sure he was powerful enough at that point to even resuscitate Ford if he wanted to. So even if he did end up dying, Bill could just bring him back like nothing ever happened.

So yeah. This might explain why Ford wasn’t in even worse shape by the time he was rescued, and why he was still strong enough to stay on his feet through the rest of the finale even though Bill still tortured him for literal days. (He should still go lie down and see a doctor ASAP, though, like damn son, you have had a very bad week.)

The Signs as Al Swearengen Quotes
  • Aries: I wouldn’t trust a man that wouldn’t try to steal a little.
  • Taurus: Say what you’re gonna say or prepare for eternal fucking silence.
  • Gemini: Welcome to fucking Deadwood!
  • Cancer: Pain or damage don’t end the world, or despair, or fucking beatings. The world ends when you’re dead.
  • Leo: Here’s my counteroffer to your counteroffer: go fuck yourself.
  • Virgo: Every fucking beating I’m grateful for. Every fucking one of them.
  • Libra: You would not want to be staring like that at me.
  • Scorpio: You can’t cut the throat of every cocksucker whose character it would improve.
  • Sagittarius: Announcing your plans is a good way to hear god laugh.
  • Capricorn: Change ain’t looking for friends. Change calls the tune we dance to.
  • Aquarius: In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is...one vile fucking task after another.
  • Pisces: Loopy fucking cunt.

You would think when people actually sign up for a tour that they’d want to go on an actual tour of the city. It’s tiring how many times I get asked if I’m leading the where are the best places to have sex tour. I should print up a brochure and make my job easier I need a beer now wow.. – Sorry, you probably don’t care about any of that. Just needed to unload after a long day.