actually 25 but oh well

Guess Who’s Back? Back Again {TVD 7x18 Sort of Spoilers Maybe}

Alright guys, you know the drill. I write my review in real-time which means that if I say something that isn’t right or doesn’t make sense in the first few numbers, it might get rectified in the last ones. I am anti-Damon/anti-Delena/anti-Bamon so that will probably spill through in my reviews. I will also most likely mention anti-blackness and misogynoir. If you don’t want to read then don’t, no one is forcing you, if you do have some qualms with my opinions by all means, express them, in a civilized way because I will drag you if you come for me. Fair warning. This is just my opinion, it’s supposed to be fun, encourage discussion and hopefully you guys think I’m funny too. Alright, let’s get started!

1. OK here is the thing about TVD they have some half-way decent ideas buried in the show. Like the souls of heartless vampires being released into the world and animating the nearest dead flesh they can find, like that could be a cool concept in the right hands, me and my friend were talking about this, except instead of it being a sideplot it would be the MAIN plot, not something shoehorned in in episode fucking 17/18 of the season. It would be a main plot for at least half the season because you can milk so much out of that. What IS the main plot this season anyway?!

2. I’m still mad that the show didn’t just hire another actor to play Stefan in another person’s body and just used Paul instead. I don’t know, it comes off as cheap and unimaginative to me. Like imagine watching another person enact who Stefan is, what different qualities would come out of that character? That was why Michael playing Klaus actually ended up being kind of great. I was sceptical about it when it first happened but Michael did it *so* well, it was still very Klaus but Michael brought out a certain humour to Klaus that Joseph does so subtly but when Michael did it, I went Omg Klaus *would* say that. The moment I enjoyed it was when he looks at his phone and says, “This incessant woman!”

3. Oh good. Another actor IS playing Stefan. I don’t know why they couldn’t have just done this last episode too! Like did they think we wouldn’t get that someone else is playing Stefan so they eased us into it by making Paul play himself in Marty’s body and then someone else in Stefan’s body? Like we aren’t DUMB.

4. I don’t know why but I like Ian’s “I had to improvise” I swear, when Ian isn’t trying to be that funny is when I actually find Damon hilarious. Because subtlety.

5. Whoa, Alaric looks hella old here. OK here’s the thing about Calaric. I actually think Matt and Candice work well together, they don’t have the chemistry she had with Michael or Joseph obviously, but it works because Calaric isn’t supposed to, they’re supposed to be a team, they’re supposed to be compatible and in fact I think Calaric has that Power Couple, mature relationship SCers keep saying Steroline has, but. But. Calaric is still weird as fuck and no one is talking about it. The show had that one scene where the students said some next thing about how Caroline is pregnant for Alaric and that was done well but it’s fucking weird and uncomfortable and disturbing when your high school teacher who knew you when you were 16 and human is now the father of your not-children and you’re now marrying him. Like there’s a serious ick factor to that that the show isn’t talking about it and it’s bothering me.

6. It’s also hella conservative and conformative and heteronormative that the show said Caroline decided to marry Alaric because it was best for the twins; a heterosexual nuclear family isn’t always the answer. Unless the show proves that quote wrong, it’s something that they really need to address.


8. And they ruined it IMMEDIATELY. “I cared about him more than anyone else in the world and he walked away like it was nothing.” Are you. Fucking. Kidding me? Abbie is still alive. Jeremy, even fucking Jeremy, is still alive. You cared about Damon more than you cared about CAROLINE? ELENA IS STILL ALIVE. STOP ACTING LIKE SHE’S FUCKING DEAD. And DAMON, DAMON IS THE ONE YOU CARED ABOUT MORE THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD? WHY THOUGH? WHY? WHYYYYY?

Oh my GOD. They didn’t make her say Damon’s name so it’s possible it’s Enzo and if it turns out to be Enzo would make me fucking bewildered and baffled because you don’t KNOW him, booboo but I don’t think I would be as upset as I am now because it’s plainly ridiculous. But I have a feeling that this is about Damon because “I’m not going to let that betrayal define the rest of my life” so you have to talk to a therapist about that but not about the fact that you literally died and watched your father get murdered by a man who looks like your best friend’s ex-boyfriend, like that you’re just good with? It would make fucking SENSE that Damon leaving breaks Bonnie to this point if the show packaged it as the last straw, like she was strong for everything else but Damon leaving just triggered all of her repressed resentments and heartbreaks and it’s everything flooding in and she’s overwhelmed so she has a psychological break. I could get with that because then we could go back and explore the different low points in Bonnie’s life that led to this moment. But no, this is just about Damon fucking going to ground. I CAN’T DEAL.

9. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, are we meant to believe that Bamon is a reciprocal relationship because Damon in a roundabout way is asking Alaric how Bonnie is doing? Bonnie is in a fucking psychward, talmbout how she can’t let Damon’s betrayal define her life and Damon can’t even straight out ask how she’s doing, he has to be fucking Damon about it, and we’re meant to believe that that’s an even trade? Get the. Fuck. Out of here. Now.

10. I mean, did Stefan honestly abandon Caroline though? She chose the twins and she chose Dallas and that’s perfectly valid but if there was anything the show did portray is that there was no room for Stefan in that choice because they didn’t act like that team, they didn’t act like that in sync couple. Last week Valerie said something along the lines of she knows what it feels like to be on the outside looking in of the Steroline relationship but that’s false, Stefan was constantly on the outside looking into the Calaric relationship and Caroline was on the outside looking into the Stelerie relationship. Steroline hadn’t built a dynamic this season for anyone to be on the outside looking into it. They weren’t a part of each other’s lives at all.

11. I also find it funny that most of the time when Damon tries to coerce someone into doing something they don’t want to do, it’s about Stefan. Like when he gets Katherine to tell him where Caroline and Tyler are he has to explain to her that Elena has vampire blood in her and she would have to compete with Elena for Stefan’s affection for eternity if she doesn’t help him. And now he has to tell Alaric that Caroline will care if Stefan dies if he doesn’t help him.

12. Of course an actor is playing Stefan now. Because he isn’t ACTING. He’s dying.

13. Haha Steroline is being Brucas with the letters. I swear I wouldn’t be surprised if when they finally reunite, Stefan says, “There are 82 letters in here and they’re all addressed to you.” (Yes, I know the Brucas “letter” speech by heart. Shut up.).

14. OH this explains why the anon was in my inbox talking about how they’re trying to turn Steroline into Allie/Noah in The Notebook with the letters he wrote her and how The Notebook is a Stelena thing since Nina characterized Stelena as basically The Notebook kind of romance. OK, to that anon, if you read my reviews, I say don’t sweat it because Steroline just doesn’t have the passion, the intensity, the connection of a The Notebook romance, that remains Stelena (and even Forwood) and it’s funny because SC is not supposed to be a The Notebook romance anyway, Julie is flipflopping here. If anything, when done right, Steroline would be “When Harry Met Sally.” But they’re not done right. So they’re honestly just Jack and Jen from Dawson’s Creek. Or Willow and Xander from BTVS.

15. OK Paul as a serial killer licking blood from his lips is way too sexy, like I’m actually mad at myself by how sexy I find this moment. Oh my God.

16. WHY IS THIS SERIAL KILLER SO PETTY THO? Like why is his preoccupation fraternities?

17. Also Paul playing a serial killer is just Paul being himself. Like I know I said that last week but I’m like Serial Killer Dude isn’t speaking right now, I just feel like Paul is talking. 

18. Also Damon, did you really think you could just walk into a frat house and be like Yo Serial Killer Dude come rescue my brother? Like why didn’t you just start off with a sneak attack from the jump?

19. My internet is shit so the video is now buffering at 9 minutes so I have to switch sites.

20. I can’t believe it’s only been 9 minutes and I already have 20 things to say about this episode.

21. OK see, Serial Killer dude doesn’t come off as threatening just because he’s telling Damon over the phone all of the terrible thing he’s done and why Rayna wants him dead. It would be more disturbing if as they were talking he was directing his victims on how to kill each other since that’s his forte. Like can we see him actually do shit that’s disturbing?

22. OK Damon has been gone for three years, how the hell does he have the same number?

23. I mean, couldn’t they have just set up somewhere on campus, Alaric sniper shoots a few vervain darts into Not Stefan’s body, goes into the frat house, drag him out and then he and Damon just take his body and transport it back to Marty/Stefan? Like why isn’t this an option?

24. Alaric’s smile when he hears Not Stefan say “This sense of disappointment is what it must feel like to have you as a brother” is actually SO well-done because LOL YES.

25. “Oh no, Damon was not my boyfriend. He was … I don’t know what he was.” “That’s even worse.” Oh god, the Bamily is going to have a field day with this exchange. I can’t blame them. It’s a very pointed reference to romantic Bamon. It just makes me angry because Damon is the epitome of ain’t shit dudes and I can’t get over what an abusive asshole he is to Bonnie.

26. OK at least Bonnie didn’t actually have a breakdown over Damon and she checked herself into a psychward to protect herself. Like that actually gives me a lot of relief. Of course, I still think what they made her say about Damon in the beginning is supposed to be true.

27. OK so a black person didn’t die in this episode (so far I’m only 20 minutes in, not even 19) but a black woman was a victim of Not-Stefan and killed the entire frat house just like how last episode the black man invited Not-Stefan into the frat house. So if we are not dying, we must be the bringers of death. OK TVD. Trash.

28. OK so there’s a white paramedic and a black paramedic. Not-Stefan knocks out white paramedic with a, what is that, a … I can’t find the name right now but basically something that looks like a fire extinguisher and black paramedic sees so tries to run and then Not-Stefan speeds up and brutally feeds on him/rips open his neck. Again, trash. T R A S H. I have a post about this/conversation about this, when POC die on this show it is inherently more violent and brutal and pointed.

29. I mean, dying sick Marty can run away but the black dude gets torn. OK. OKAY.

30. OK so the pills Enzo gave Bonnie that have Rayna’s blood in them suppress magic and so The Armory can’t find Bonnie as long as she takes them because they can’t do a locator spell on her but it also means she has no access to her own magic but now it also means that if she keeps taking them she’ll die? WHY?

31. I also love how Bonnie is suddenly of importance to The Armory because she’s a “Bennett Witch” but so was Grams, so was Lucy so was Abbie, where was The Armory then? This is the problem when you insert a new order halfway through a season and say that they’ve been around forever and make up rules for them that don’t fit into the current canon of your show. Like why couldn’t The Armory actually be a new thing?

32. I have a lot to say about this episode but it isn’t particularly engaging, which is funny, it’s just something I could vaslty improve on if I had the resources to. Not to sound conceited or anything.

33. “I’ve read your journals, Stefan. I know you’re a deeply sensitive, literary sort of fellow” OK but the passage you read said “my heap of garbage brother” or some shit and the SCers tried to dissect what else was on that page from a screencap and it was literally all about how Stefan was going to fuck Valerie senseless and it wasn’t even poetically written. Like come on. Stop acting like Stefan is still Stefan when you’ve taken away everything that makes Stefan Stefan.

34. “Only a Bennett witch can…” of course only a Bennett witch can, it’s always been a fucking Bennett witch, but guys, there are OTHER BENNETT WITCHES. Unless you specifically say that Bonnie is the last descendant of that line, then I’m done with all of you.

35. Oh they brought up Lucy. Who disappeared. Well at least they did that. Yay, half a point or half a gold star sticker.

36. I wonder if Valerie will die.

37. OK SEE? Valerie and Stefan’s “hallucination” is SO MUCH BETTER than Steroline’s “hallucination.” Elizabeth and Paul play off each other with such less effort, they kiss, he touches her when her nose bleeds, the “You are my real life” and he actually sounds like he means it. But Valerie’s nose is bleeding so I’m like, yeah she’s going to die.

38. Stefan also looks a thousand times more concerned about Valerie than he has about Caroline all season. His hands are on her shoulders, his eyebrows are furrowed, he’s telling her to stop doing the spell. THIS is Stefan. THIS is the Stefan non-SCers have been missing.

39. Oh look, Valerie doesn’t die. But Bonnie had to die for Jeremy. OK.

40. “Ric, I’m trying here, man…” Damon, you’ve literally done nothing to try and win Alaric back.

41. This entire conversation that Alaric and Damon are having right now about how he got to be happy because Damon was gone and how he wants to return to that life and not be around Damon and actually LEAVES, is the conversation Stefan and Damon should have.

42. AND THEY RUINED IT. “Bonnie is undercover in a psychward in Nashville. You might have better luck winning her back.” Bonnie and Stefan are the two people who should be the most fucking resistant to Damon. And this is the problem with the show. They’ll make Alaric be the brutally honest one because it’s a blow that he’s not around but Damon isn’t completely anchor-less because Stefan is still around and there’s the hope of Bonnie so he isn’t really on his own and he won’t learn if we don’t SEE him ACTUALLY LIVE with the consequences of his selfishness like holy FUCK guys.

43. OK so a) it’s really sexy to me when someone answers a question to Stefan and he says “Mmm” in response, it’s sort of like this groan thing, lol, b) I like it because when Stefan does it he’s familiar with the person who’s talking to him and he did it with Valerie. HE IS STEFAN WITH VALERIE this is why I like Stelerie.

44. Like even the way he SITS next to Valerie, he’s right beside her, they’re touching, it’s romantic, with Caroline there is such a huge gap between them.

45. And of course the dialogue is going against the action. And it’s fine that Valerie says that Stefan will never love her the way she loves him because they aren’t the forever ship and it was clear, but let’s not pretend that he loves Caroline the way Valerie loves Stefan, he loved Elena that way and only Elena. Steroline is not this romance that they’re trying to build, guys. Like they really aren’t.

46. Even when Valerie has her goodbye kiss to Stefan he clenches his jaw afterward, like very Stefan. And it’s bringing me back to the kind of boyfriend he could be if the show would just not shackle him (or Caroline) to a romance that simply doesn’t work off paper. And Stefan actually looks genuinely sad to see Valerie leave.

47. Yes it’s cute that Enzo picks Bonnie up and twirls her around. No, it’s not cute that Kat is doing all the work when they kiss and it feels like she’s trying to sell me on how in love Bonnie and Enzo are. Yes, it’s a bit hot that Enzo looks pissed that Bonnie was scratched on the arm. No, I will never ship them.

48.  Oh wow, the more Enzo and Bonnie talk, the less chemistry Kat and Michael have with each other, it’s like they don’t know how to talk to each other as a couple and only know how to do snippy banter. Yeah because professional chemistry suited for one kind of interaction.

49. I mean I DO have to laugh at the fact that Enzo and Bonnie are supposed to be having this really intense moment and they’re hugging each other and then you just hear “Bonnie?” and her eyes snap open and it’s Damon standing in the doorway with flowers. And it looks like he’s being cheated on. Omg this is too much and hilariously messy because I don’t want her with EITHER of these men.

50. AND THE DRAMATIC WAY BONNIE SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE. LMFAO. OH MY GOD. It would’ve been so much more meaningful if Bonnie just stared at him stone-faced and closed the door. Like sometimes subtlety works guys. JFC.

OK final thoughts. It should’ve been Stelerie. Paul was hot this episode. I don’t understand what the point of Psycho Killer Stefan was. I’m glad Bonnie was back because Kat brings a lot of energy to the screen.  I think another problem I have with Damon and people “reading” him is that I mean in the moment he looks … embarrassed but I don’t actually see him process what’s being said to him, I don’t actually see their points land, he legit just looks like “oh wow I screwd up, huh?” it doesn’t look like it actually moved him on an emotional, psychological, fundamental level. The Bonnie thing is going to be full of sooooo much fuckery I can tell, some of it will make me laugh and some of it will make me really pissed.

Hope you enjoyed reading!