Ever get tired of the “bury your gays” trope? In this new action-comedy thriller, the Gays bury you!!
The movie we’ve all been waiting for!! My hypothetical movie that follows a band of LGTBQ+ people after the start of the zombie apocalypse, including trans/nb, ace, and disabled characters. Guaranteed no fuckboys on screen unless they are getting their ass kicked.

The movie would be comprised of a 100% queer cast, all trained in combat for realism.

Having seen Pacific Rim and Mad Max: Fury Road multiple times, I think that they have hit upon the perfect formula for a fantastic action movie.

*Show me some of the action that I paid to see within the first ten minutes. I think the first Kaiju-Jaeger fight is three minutes into Pacific Rim. If this is an action movie, show me the goddamn action. 

*Complex, realistic characters with backstories that are hit upon but not overly dwelled upon. Imperator Furiosa’s story was a good use of this technique as it didn’t rely on flashback after flashback to explain her character and motivations, but rather integrated it nicely into the main plot. I have a rule for movies: the majority of flashbacks are lazy writing by people who have no idea how to write good characters. My exception is Mako Mori’s backstory because it pushed her character forward while also being tied tightly to the main plot. 

*Special effects: go practical or go balls-to-the-wall with GOOD CGI and striking visuals. MM:FR went the practical route and delivered truly astonishing and realistic-looking action sequences. Pacific Rim did the exact opposite, opting instead to get excellent CGI for the Jaegers and Kaiju, but had unique and fun design concepts that made it stand out from other CGI-heavy features. Actions have consequences in both worlds, which makes both techniques impressive to the viewer.

*If you have side characters, please develop them. Pacific Rim balanced a pretty big cast that put the main three characters first (Charlie Hunnam, Rinko Kikuchi,, and Idris Elba) but still managed to find time for the comic relief (Burn Gorman and Charlie Day) to have a non-stupid side plot and various supporting characters to be unique and identifiable. MM:FR focused on its two leads (Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron) but still gave each of the Wives a distinct character and made Nix, The Many Mothers, and Immortan Joe interesting characters in their own right. 

*Don’t shoehorn in a love story unless you have time to give it a proper treatment. Just don’t.

*Play your action straightforward. Yes, monsters fighting robot mech-suits is kind of silly, but since the film treats it seriously, the audience treats it seriously. We don’t need some self-aware jackass character snarking about how unrealistic and terrible this all is (looking at you, Hawkeye).  

*DON’T FORGET TO WRITE A GOOD STORY. BOTH OF THESE FILMS WERE MASSIVELY SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE OF THE NEAT STORIES THEY WERE CENTERED AROUND. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW GOOD YOUR VISUALS ARE, IF YOUR STORY IS BORING AND SHITTY, YOUR FILM WILL BE BORING AND SHITTY. 



(If you would like to watch a film that fails at every point on this list, may I recommend Jurassic World?)

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Atomic Blonde Based on the Graphic Novel The Coldest City

Directed by David Leitch (John Wick, Deadpool 2)

Cinematography Jonathan Sela (John Wick)

Edited by Elísabet Ronaldsdóttir (John Wick)

This trailer is amazing, it is art. And queer woman action lead! And Sofia Boutella, James Mcavoy, Toby Miller, and other excellent character actors. I don’t even care that it has lame slow moody pop music in it!