acne journal

I can’t wait for my skin to be clear enough for me to be comfortable looking in restroom mirrors. I always avoid looking at my reflection in restrooms due to the possibility of the harsh lighting making me feel insecure. I just can’t wait to not feel so shitty and insecure. I can’t wait to not have to avoid my reflection.

My current face routine:

step 1: If i have makeup on i always use my organic coconut oil. Its really light and is a gentle way to get all my makeup off. I have found it works better than any makeup pads i have used before. To use it just grab about a nickle size amount and rub it in your palm, this will make it liquify and then you can rub it on your face in circular motions. After really rubbing it in use a gentle rag and wipe it off or you can use an absorbent paper towel if you want.

step 2: I wash with this in the morning and at night after getting all my makeup off ,CeraVe Hydrating Cleanser for normal to dry skin. I love this wash especially if my skin is dry because it leaves it feeling smooth and hydrated after using it.  

Step 3: After letting my face dry i will use Dickson’s Original Witch Hazel pore perfecting toner. You can use your fingertips to put this on or a cotton pad, whatever you like best. I love this stuff because it is fragrance free and is very gentle. It helps to depuff and soothe inflamed skin.

Step 4: Now after letting my face dry from my toner i will put my cetaphil Daily Facial Moisturizer with sunscreen SPF 50+ on. Even though it has SPF in i put it on morning and night. It is very moisturizing and feels soothing on my skin.

Step 5: I religiously put my Dr. Dans Cortibalm all through out the day. This is the best lip balm that i have been able to find so far.

Step 6: All throughout the day i will use my coca butter but if i am feeling extra dry or just got out of the shower/bath then i will use my Cetaphil Moisturizing Cream for dry or sensitive skin. This stuff is is very thick and will instantly give your skin a moisturizing feeling.

Step 7: My Aloe Vera 100% Gel ( pure no color added)  I only use if i have been out in the sun that day or if my skin is really inflame. It is pretty sticky so i try and let it dry before falling asleep or it will get all over my pillow but it really does calm my skin down alot. Its also gives you a cooling effect which feels great.

I hope this helps you guys out. I will keep updating my routine if it changes but so far i am loving all these products. Let me know if you have any questions.

Current Thoughts/Feelings

Can I talk about conventional beauty for a second? Specifically how I think it applies to me? I’ve never been “the pretty one”. I’m not ugly, whatever the fuck that even means (I don’t believe in ugly, btw). But I’m not what I would consider conventionally attractive. And I intentionally use the word conventionally, because I think that’s a key distinction to make so that I don’t end up falling into a pit of self hate. You see, there are so many posts and inspirational messages about how fat people are still beautiful and how people with acne or scars are still beautiful and how people with excess body hair or gapped teeth are still beautiful. And I see those posts and I always think: why is it so damn important that we be physically beautiful? I understand that the purpose of those messages is pure and not meant to be degrading at all, but I can’t help but wonder why it is that simply being average or even “ugly” can’t be normal and accepted. Why is everything so dependent on being conventionally beautiful, despite being fat or having scars/acne/gapped teeth/excess body hair/etc? It took me a long time to get over my appearance; hell, I’m still getting over it. But the fact is, I’m average. Maybe even a little less than average. I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, it’s just a fact I’ve come to terms with. The sky is blue. 2+2=4. I’m not conventionally attractive. And that’s okay. As much as people want to preach about self-love and positive body image (which is great!), at the end of that day I still feel like it all comes down prioritizing physical appearance. And I just think that’s irrelevant to beauty in the grand scheme of things.

I am not conventionally attractive. But that doesn’t mean I am any less beautiful.

Creepourlamode x @iroparisofficial
Creative/Photographer: by me @loewenzahncocolores

Stylist: @proveuexist
Makeup & Hair: @mischeleariuna
Model: @peetmaxwell
Clothing: @iroparisofficial


Day 1: To look at these pictures and see my face it makes me so angry. I use to be an actress and did modeling and now i look as if my face is a space map. I had beautiful skin all through highschool and never thought i would be the girl with severe acne. I use to watch documentaries on it and be thankful i had clear skin, if only i knew what would happen later on in life. I saw my first breakout when i was around 18 but i saw a skin doctor and it seemed to go away for awhile. I had a few bad breakouts but nothing compared to what happened to me this past summer. I started with just a few and spread like wildfire. I stopped doing so many of the things i loved, i lost my self confidence and didn’t know where to turn to. I finally had enough and with the support of my bf i went to the doctor about accutane and she got me set up right away and 30 days later here I am…finally starting my first day of a better future. 

But through this horrible process of acne i have had to find my self confidence in other aspects of myself besides just my looks. I didn’t realize of much i counted on my face and appearance to give me happiness and self love. I have come to understand who i am better and have grown to love the woman i am with or without acne, so for that i thank you acne, you have made me a better person, you taught me to look else where in life for happiness. You taught me that looks aren’t always the most important thing in life. You also showed me what an amazing boyfriend i have, he has stuck by me even when i lost my outer beauty. So acne….thank you. 

Créépourlamode x Malik Abdoulayi //  Bean Girlz // Fall Winter 16/17 , styled by Amanda Stach


So my days are all messed up but this is the end of day 70 if I were on track… Now I will be so hopefully I don’t forget again!
Honestly there is nothing new.. I squeezed my nose and the skin came off and I remembered how stupid picking is… Arg shame on me! I’m going to try and not do it again. Also I got my first pimple in a couple days! It was small and it turned red a little bit (no white head, yay!) and then it’s going away now. And it was on my chin…

Mood: Mood has been weird lately! I’m getting in a lot of arguments with my friends and stuff but I can’t tell if it’s me or not.. All of the arguments are resolved now, but it seemed like either something was wrong with all of them or just me. I’m assuming it was me that day 😁 Oops… Also! I went out with my friend and I looked so frumpy AND I had no make up on.. This was bittersweet for me because I was glad I had no make up, but then I was like feeling sorry that all those civilized people had to see me.. Haha oh well!

I hope everyone is doing well! Remember that every day is progress, even though it may feel like you’re going backwards 😊 Anyway, Night night everyone!
(Ps. Does anyone know how to get rid of the hand rash?!)