i’ve watched the raw of apocrypha episode 4. it’s not terrible, but it aint great. and for me, as an astolfo fan, it’s got lots of bad bits.
TLDR: the budget has vanished and multiple scenes are of DEEN quality, the pacing is still rushed to hell and the adaptation choices are seriously questionable.
1. Spartacus vs Black team servants was supposed to happen simultaneously to Achiles + Atalanta vs Black team servants. Instead the fight with Spartacus ends in like two seconds and THEN the other fight starts, but vlad doesn’t go help out siegfried and fran for some reason.
2. Siegfried’s master is supposed to be pushed to his psychological breaking point and snap, brutally beating the homunclus into the ground in a fit of rage. instead he just punches him once and welp thats certain death i guess. this could be down to censors but seriously, its weak.
3. And of course, many of astolfo’s scenes are altered. After they cut the intimate and touching bonding scene between him and the homunculus last episode, i had a feeling this would happen.
Astolfo in this ep is played as comedic and ridiculous far too much, and his cool moment against Spartacus with his lance is two seconds long. His grand declaration that everyone should hear his words and look upon him gets hilariously derailed bc the anime does not seem to like astolfo or think he should be taken seriously as a hero, but is forced to use him bc he has a large role in the plot so it wants to get it over as fast as possible i guess.
(there was one scene between him and the homunculus before they get caught that seemed good, im gonna wait for subs on that one)
4. The especially egregious change was the anime forcibly inserting jeanne into the scene with the homunculus boy’s (his name’s gonna be Sieg, no point hiding it now) death just to make sure we get this Required Heterosexuality started as early as possible. Astolfo doesn’t get to dramatically watch the homunculus die, nor does he get to weep tears of joy over his revival. Astolfo and him don’t get to have any sort of intimate moment, its all pushed aside for the Very Important First Meeting of Jeanne and Sieg.
I get it anime, this is very much the adventure of sieg and his girlfriend joan of arc. You don’t care for Astolfo or for things like this
Could you possibly expound on "Apollo: Ladies would rather die than sleep with him. It’s a problem both ways. Had it out for the Dream Team (Achilles and Patroklus)", please? I'm terribly curious~ <3
APOLLO AND HIS LADY PROBLEMS
Hold on to ur fuckin tea and shit, cause thissun’s gonna be LONG AND I MEAN LONG. Apollo had a lot of lady problems and a couple of man problems to boot.
So let’s start with Daphne. Which kinda means starting with Eros. So Apollo, being the god of archery, went up to Eros and was like “Wassup kiddo, why are you using a man’s weapon? You don’t know how to use that, go play with your toys.” Feeling slightly pissed off, Eros shot Daphne through the heart with a lead arrow (or the Arrow of Hatred) and shot Apollo with a golden arrow (the Lurve Arrow). So Apollo fell desperately in love with the nymph and she hated him like fuck. He chased her for a long time, until she became so done with it that she cried out to her father, a river god, for help and was transformed into a bay Laurel tree. And, fun fact, this is why Laurel leaves were sacred to Apollo and were used in Olympics ceremonies etc.
Cue the next tragic lady love, Leucothea. She was a pretty-ass ho, but had a father (Orchamus) who really liked his rules. Introduce Apollo, who spied that beautiful dame and she spied his pretty ass, so it was all going well. Then Apollo disguised himself as her mother (because he couldn’t just appear outta thin air or beam down as sunlight or whatever, noooo) to enter her chambers. However, her jelly sister, who wanted the affections of Apollo, saw him and told Orchamus that his rules had been broken, so he buried Leucothea alive. Such is Ancient Greek life. Apollo, being mad as a cut snake, turned the sister (Clytia) into either a heliotrope or a sunflower, explaining why they follow the sun (Apollo) during the day.
Marpessa was the next in line to knock Apollo’s confidence. She was kidnapped by a bro called Idas (kidnapping was often viewed as a romantic gesture in those days - in some states (probably Sparta tbh) you couldn’t marry a girl unless you kidnapped her). However, Apollo liked her too. Zeus got tired of Apollo’s whining and made her choose between Idas and Apollo. She was like, “Dat godly ho is immortal so he’ll get bored of me. I’ll go with my mortal man, thanks.” And so Apollo probably cried, but moved on.
Castalia was another brief kick to the ol’ ego. She was a nymph who Apollo chased, but jumped into a fuckin spring at Delphi. He didn’t follow her because either he was the sun god and might evaporate if he dove in after her, or perhaps out of pure fuck you, she may have drowned herself. But he never got to be with her and the spring became sacred Oracle water.
CASSANDRA, THE FAMOUS PROPHETESS OF TROY comes into this too. He was like “yo guuurl, if I give you visions of the future will you sleep with me?” In my opinion, Cassandra should have either said full no or said full yes, but she thought she could outsmart a god. Not clever. Not wise. Nope. To be honest, with the gift of prophecy, Apollo should have seen this coming. But what fun would that have been? So she said yes, but when he gave her the Gift she was like “oh no honey, you aint sleepin’ with me”. MISTAKE. He cursed her so that no-one would ever believe her prophecies, and for trying to trick a god, died a tragic death in slavery. Don’t fuckin try trick a god, it never works. Lesson.
But if you didn’t learn that lesson well enough, maybe the Cumaen Sibyl can help. She lived for thousands of years because she thought she could pull a fast one on Apollo. Stupid. Very stupid. Apollo was like, “hey guuuuuuuuuurl, if I grant you a wish, can I plz sleep with you?” She was like “oh yeah, sure thing y not, it’s cool w me” and picked up a handful of sand. She said “yo Apollo my homie, make me live as many years as there are grains of sand.” THIS COULD HAVE BEEN GREAT. THEY COULD HAVE BEEN HOMIES FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS. BUT NO. The Sibyl then refused to sleep with Apollo so he cursed her with having her body age and wither as she grew older. Do not fuckin try and trick a god. Not good plan.
The list goes on, but hey, it ain’t all about the ladies. Apollo’s love life with men was pretty tragic too.
Meet Hyacinth, the prettiest pretty-boy since Ganymede. He was athletic, a prince, Spartan and naked most of the time. BUT HE WAS TOO PRETTY. Zephyr, the god of the west wind liked him too and was a jealous fuck. So when Apollo and Hyacinth were out playing some homo-erotic, oiled up Greek discus, Zephyr blew the discus astray into Hyacinth’s head and killed him. Carrying on his funerary tradition, Apollo turned Hyacinth’s pretty ass into a plant, the Hyacinth.
Cyparissus (I WONDER WHAT HE’S GUNNA GET TURNED INTO) was another lover of Apollo. Apollo, being really grateful that someone actually wanted to be his lover, gave him a tame deer to be his pet. Cyparissus accidentally killed it with a javelin and was so sorry that he asked Apollo to ‘let his tears fall forever’. Apollo, interpreting this as ‘turn me into a fuckin tree’ turned him into a Cypress, which looks like it’s always crying. Either Cyparissus loved that deer more than Apollo or didn’t think the god would turn him into a fuckin tree. Either way, it was a problem.
Achilles and Patroklus is a much shorter story. Basically, Apollo didn’t like the Greeks, so he thought he’d take out their best heroes. With Patroklus, he loosened that bro’s armour and made everything dark for him; this meant that Euphorbus could spear him and Hector could steal the kill. With Achilles, Apollo either guided Paris’ arrow\told him where to shoot, or in some accounts it is actually just Apollo who shoots him. I haven’t finished the Iliad, so I’ll edit this post when I do c:
If you have finished this GARGANTUAN of a post, I commend you, and I hope your curiousity about Apollo’s Love Problems and his deal with the Dream Team has been sated. Until next time, Anonymous friend! :)
Achilles is on track team and Pat is this kid that helps at the infirmary after school
And then one day Achilles trips or something like that and hurts himself. He’s bleeding but says things like “nah i’m fine” and everyone is like “Achilles. You are BLEEDING”
At some point Odysseus just take him to the damn infirmary and no, your opinion doesn’t matter, stop complaining for at least five seconds
Aaand when they got there, Achilles sees the cute boy that is organizing somethings and he knows hes fucked
So he kinda zoned out when Odysseus starts talking about how he got the scratches. The boy just nods and in the end asks something to Achilles and he is like “shit i dont know what he is saying but i have to say something” and this something is very dumb, like “band-aids??? merthiolate???”
And then Odysseus smirks while the boy looks really confused and only says “ok right. Anyway my name is Patroclus, now sit down”
nOW JUST IMAGINE ACHILLES GOING TO THE INFIRMARY MORE OFTEN THAN ANYONE SHOULD SAYING THAT HE HAS A HEADACHE OR SOMETHING IS HURTING OR WTV JUST TO TALK TO PATROCLUS
AND THEN PATROCLUS LETS HIM LIES ON THE BED UNTIL HE FEELS BETTER BUT FIVE MINUTES LATTER ACHILLES STARTS TALKING AND PAT GETS CONFUSED BC “HOW CAN YOU TALK SO MUCH WHILE YOU’RE IN PAIN???” NOT THAT HE IS COMPLAINING BUT
achilles and patroclus are always on the same team
at first the gym teacher tried to assign them to different teams but it never works. achilles just goes over to patroclus’s team anyway. they’re a lost cause
hector is always put on the opposite team from achilles, because their athleticism pretty much balances out and makes things more even. he and achilles develop a rivalry because of course they do
it mostly consists of trash-talking in the hallway, like “think you can stop staring at your boyfriend for long enough to give me a challenge today, pelides?” “i’ll stare at my boyfriend WHILE i kick your ass into next week”
briseis is on patroclus’s team about half the time. when she is, they hang out together and occasionally participate but spend most of their time sarcastically imitating achilles because’s he’s way too into it and it’s hilarious
achilles always wants to be the one calling the shots, even when they’re playing a game like dodgeball that has no real strategy. he gets into all these pissing contests with agamemnon, who’s the football team captain and thinks that gives him the right to control all sports-related things ever
briseis loves the days when they do swimming because she’s far and away the best at it and she likes to remind the boys every now and then that they ain’t shit
they’re playing touch football one day and hector accidentally kicks and trips patroclus in trying to get at achilles
it messes up patroclus’s ankle and he has to go to the nurse’s office for the rest of the day
once patroclus has hobbled out of the gym and achilles can’t hover over him worriedly anymore, achilles rounds on hector, who is just like “oh fuck,” because he really doesn’t want to die today in gym class of all places
hector definitely gets illegally tackled on the next play. and the next one. and the next one. until the gym teacher takes pity and makes achilles sit the rest of the class out
also!! agamemnon and his bro friends like to harass achilles and patroclus in the locker room, yelling at them not to look at everyone’s junk while they’re changing, as well as other even more immature insults. in retaliation pat and achilles make out against agamemnon’s locker for a solid ten minutes
Gettysburg Battlefield Half Training
Week 5 begins
Today was supposed to be an easy 5, but it was Achilles workout day and Team Bruce needed an extra guide. So more like a tempo run…actually 20 seconds faster than Gettysburg goal pace.
And there were puppies at the workout. McGarth (really McGrath, but we’ve renamed him for a guide) is the most recent guide dog in training. He is freaking adorable.
Scratch and dent produce arrived today with a cantaloupe bigger than my head…literally.
And the bed didn’t get made today because how could I disturb that?
could we have a modern au! with achilles overreacting about being on a different gym team to patroclus?? i love your writing
Achilles kept an eye out for Patroclus on the other side of
the gym, his shirt blue instead of the red he was wearing. It was difficult, playing to win while also
trying not to hit him. Achilles picked
up the nearest ball and threw it at a different player. Dodge ball was always a fun sport. It got the blood flowing, the adrenaline
pumping, and while Patroclus was agile enough to dodge almost everything thrown
at him Achilles was the one with deadly aim.
They had never been on separate teams before, everyone knew
that if they wanted the most successful team it was key to have the two of them
together. If not, whichever team
Achilles was on was sure to lose. His
focus was firmly glued to Patroclus, watching him weave in and out of enemy
fire as not a single ball hit him. The
other’s on Achilles’ team weren’t even trying that hard to get him, they all
knew that if someone hit Patroclus then it didn’t matter that the balls were
soft or that they were playing a friendly game of dodgeball, Achilles would be
When it happened the whole gym paused. The ball bounced off the side of Patroclus’s
head and he took a step back, his eyes darting to Achilles.
“Who threw that?!”
Achilles shouted, his head whipping around to see his own team petrified. “Go on, admit it!”
No one moved, no one said a thing. Patroclus crossed the line in the middle of
the court and took Achilles’ hand. “Relax. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. You
were hit in the face. Look at you.” Achilles said, gesturing to Patroclus’s
unscathed face. There wasn’t even a
scratch. The balls were small and made
of foam, he would be alright. “Did it
hurt? How much pain are you in?”
“It didn’t hurt at all.
Just relax, it was all part of the game.” Patroclus said, chuckling softly as he
dragged Achilles to the bleachers off to the side. “Honestly, you never get this upset when
someone hits me and we’re on the same team.”
“I can protect you then.
Also, I can’t believe my own team would betray me like that.” Achilles said quickly.
“You’re so overdramatic.”
They both sat down, Achilles pulled Patroclus close and ran
his hand gently over his face to look for any sign of even the slightest
injury. He wouldn’t find one, but that
didn’t stop him from running his hands over his delicate features and through
his curly dark hair.