Zodiac Truths

Aries: ALL Aries are angry and loud sons of bitches. They will hit you if you don’t like their favorite color. Every Aries is ½ Chris Brown and ½ The Hulk.

Taurus: Are well known for being pretty and boring. They gotta fat ass but no brains. Every Taurus is a Kardashian.

Gemini: Will con you into anything. They will steal your Jordan’s and then sell them right back to you. Every Arab that sells fake Michael Kors is a Gemini.

Cancer: Has no real talent other than sandwich making. Every single one of them owns fourteen aprons. They are born and die in the kitchen.

Leo: Has no friends because they spend most of their time in the mirror.

Virgo: No Virgo in the history of the world has EVER belched. True fact.

Libra: Most Libra’s grow up to be musicians and experiment with heroin and other fucked up shit. Their lives are a never-ending line of cocaine.

Scorpio: No Scorpio knows the meaning of forgiveness. They still talk shit about their third grade teacher who gave them a C- on a homework assignment once.

Sagittarius: Is the wanderer of the zodiac. This is just a nice way of saying they are homeless. You’re forty-eight, Ian. Get a job.

Capricorn: There is no such thing as a Capricorn with good intentions. They are the type to keep AND USE voodoo dolls.

Aquarius: No Aquarius was born on this planet. They are all adopted. Most Aquarians like astronomy because they’ve been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius.

Pisces: Spend every weekend sitting inside a bathtub with a bottle of scotch crying about the one that got away.