I am an abuse survivor. This isn’t news. However, I’ve also done some horrendous things during that point in my life, especially to Jay. In my suffering abuse and turmoil of my alcoholism, I lied, snuck around, cheated, and many awful and, honestly, abusive things. I was an accomplice to my abuser also abusing Jay horribly. Much of this was because I, myself, was being severely abused, and I was trying to survive/keep her from killing me faster than she already was.
This is an explanation, not an excuse.
What it comes down to is that in my past, I have done abusive things. I work every day to keep that from happening again. To keep my HPD in check and not let that poison the way I move through the world. To not relapse in my PTSD, see my abuser’s face on the people around me. On Jay. To not lash out in unhealthy and manipulative ways because of that. To fight the alcoholic instinct to hide things, even when I have no reason to.
I’m not saying these things for sympathy. I just believe this hard binary of “abuser” and “not abuser” leaves room for abusive actions like those I have committed to be swept under the rug. People are afraid to talk about things they’ve done because they don’t want to be ostracized. I’ve been one of those people, and that not only does no justice to what I’ve done to Jay, no justice to our relationship and its future, but also no justice to myself and my process healing from my own abuse.
I welcome people, with this in mind, to unfollow me or cut contact with me. I don’t check unfollows, nor would I hold anything against people for reacting to this.