ac thought

….you know, considering how much talk there is in the ace community about how asexuality and aromanticism exist on a spectrum– of “grayness” and differing types of attractions with occasional attention paid to diversity of one kind or another– it both amazes and frustrates me how so many of the same people who speak of these things still seem to operate based on the very same assumption that exists within society at large: that everyone is (allo)romantic and / or (allo)sexual by default unless explicitly stated otherwise.

while i understand that aces (and aros) internalize and subsequently have to unlearn amatonormativity and sexnormativity (and heteronormativity) just the same as everyone else and that there’s also likely an element of self-defense / self-preservation involved, it is beyond frustrating every time i see or am subjected to microaggressions from aces who adhere to the very same “______ by default unless otherwise stated” mindset that exists within society at large– except, in my humble opinion, that assumption has now been compounded upon within the asexual community à la the split attraction model and subsequent prevalence of “asexuals have a (a)romantic orientation by default".

but that’s a post for another time.

“spectrum”, “grayness”– nothing but empty lip service when the very same people who speak of such things simultaneously attempt to draw lines in the sand where there ought to be none, only acknowledge said grayness when it is explicitly stated or embraced as an identity and / or make assumptions about a person’s experience with attraction based solely on the lack of a particular identity– or conversely, based on the explicit presence of an identity that is assumed to mean something that it very well may not thanks to the existing dichotomy and yet simultaneously inseparable nature of amatonormativity and sexnormativity (and heteronormativity) and its continued influence upon and within the asexual community.

i am tired of navigating various fissures in the asexual community and ending up worse off for it, time and time again becoming more and more disgruntled to the point of feeling the need to distance myself from the “community” all together. The Thing that continues to motivate me, apart from sheer stubbornness, is the thought of others who find themselves navigating these fissures with me.

PSA

Allosexual = People who do not ID as ace-spec

IOW, this word assumes nothing about your sexuality, it only assumes you do not ID on the ace spectrum. 

That’s it, that’s all, the end. 

It harms literally no one. 

modern JediStormPilot rocking some awesome pride clothes.

You can get these shirts (or versions of them) on Lookhuman(.)com

Ok no, you know what? I AM pissed right now.
I had a very dear friend of mine literally break down crying in my arms when I told her that asexuality exists and that she might be asexual like me and that she was not broken or the only person on this planet who didn’t feel any sexual attraction to anybody. 
I used to have another friend who was told by her family that she was useless for her husband and that there was something wrong with her because she did not feel sexual attraction. She went through several relationships involving sexual actions that she did not want but went through anyway because she thought she had to. When she told me that she actually never felt sexually attracted to anyone she had basically already resigned to being a weirdo, being abnormal, being less than. 
I used to hate myself. I still struggle with that but I really used to hate myself because I couldn’t get myself to feel the same things that other people seemed to feel. When I realised asexuality was a thing and that that thing might be something that actually described me and my situation and how I felt, I was so relieved - mostly because I had thought I was alone and then suddenly there were all these people who felt the same thing, who had the same experiences. For the first time since puberty started basically I did not feel awkward and weird and somehow less than everyone around me. I felt like a whole person. I felt complete. 
So how DARE you say that asexuals are “basically straight”, “just identifying as ace to avoid straight privilege”?! How DARE you mock that moment of relief that so many people on the ace spectrum experience when they realise that they are not alone, that they are not the only ones feeling like this, that they do have a community and support and people they can talk to about their experiences?! Shame on you!

so this might be Too Angsty for this blog sorry but like

Maybe we should stop telling young LGBT+ kids who have come out their family and faced horrible rejection and hatred that their family will “come around eventually.” Maybe we should stop encouraging them to continue to picture their parents as some sort of Wise Beings who will Learn Someday and No Longer Hate Them.

Because not everybody’s parents “come around,” and not everyone wants their parents to come around. Parents are regular people who are capable of just as much evil as any other person, even if it’s directed at their own children. Parents are no magically enlightened people who will slowly come to understand homophobia/transphobia from their child’s struggles.

And telling some vulnerable child who has just been told by their parents that they’re going to hell, sinning, a freak, unloved, hated, or a mistake or whatever else that “Don’t worry!! Your parents hate you now and want you dead but someday maybe they won’t think you’re the scum of the Earth and everything will be hunky dory :)” isn’t going to help that child.

When you’re grieving the loss of your parents’ love, the last thing you need to be told is to “be patient.” Any parent who tells their child that they are unwanted and unloved has forfeited their right to patience.

Especially because what if the child’s parents don’t come around? What if the 13 year old who came out to his parents as a trans boy waits and waits for his parents to decide to help him pay for surgery, for years, thinking that they’ll “come around” because “no parent could hate their kid that much” realizes that his parents won’t help him with hormones, won’t help him with surgery, won’t call him by his real name, won’t use the right pronouns, and continue to misgender him? What happens when he has to come to terms with the fact that his parents won’t “come around,” that he’ll have to find a job and move out if he wants to be himself, that his parents won’t want to see him get married or keep updated with his life. Do you just tell him to keep hoping? Hoping that one day his parents will say “sorry we’ve been transphobic shits all these years. Buy you a beer to make up for it?”

Because I know I don’t want my parents to come around anymore. There isn’t anything they can do to me to make me want to forgive them, to make me want to have them in my life any more than I absolutely have to for my own survival. And if they did “come around” and try to apologize, I wouldn’t want it.

late night thoughts

pull her in close, kiss her, hug her, tell her you love her. even if she says it’s too hot to cuddle at that moment and later falls asleep during a show, wrap your arms around her pull her in and feel her skin pressed against yours. tell her you love her, kiss her and hold her, even if she fast asleep doesn’t do it back, still do it every single night. because you don’t know when you’ll no longer be able to touch her, hold her, kiss her, and tell her goodnight and you love her. don’t allow a second to past by without letting her know how much you love her asleep or not, you are still the most beautiful sight I have ever seen and I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you and I will continue to love you unconditionally until the day I die.

I think something I see a lot of people failing to realize, especially the younger lgbt community, is that labels are honestly the most personal thing in the world. You don’t need a label. You don’t have to stick a stamp on yourself just because other might want you to.

Then again, maybe you want to. That’s great! You can label yourself however you want to. The way you self identify is how you want other people to see you. Or how you see yourself. If you don’t want to identify under a community that may share similar feelings to you you don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything

This is about you and you only. Your journey. Your sexuality/gender. Your label.

The point of labels is to have a term that fits what you feel and to relate yourself to a community of people with similar feelings or experiences.

If you want to identify with other people’s stories and similar feelings that is 100% acceptable and valid but if you want your own experience to really be its own that’s 100% okay as well. There are no rules.