ac discovered

I got a tumblr because I thought I was bi, and a close friend had told me there were lots of resources here. Then I discovered pan and picked that up, but I felt sort of fake because whatever my attraction was, it didn’t feel like “straight, but with all genders.” I discovered ace and was scared to use it, but the ace community assured me that ace is not a broken identity, that trauma-influenced asexuality was just as valid, that I could be an ace teenager and stay ace or grow out of it and it would be fine, that my capacity for human connection was not influenced by my orientation.

Takeaways:

  1. It’s easy to think you’re bi (or pan) when you’re ace, because no attraction is easily confused for all attraction when you don’t have any other resources.
  2. Aphobia is ingrained in our society and exists outside of tumblr–encountering asexuality for the first time, I thought it was a bad identity.
  3. The community gave me the pivotal support I needed to accept my queerness.

anonymous asked:

moments when i should have realized i was ace; when i discovered that people become attracted to someone when they take clothing off and show bare skin. meanwhile, im like ?????

That reminds me of when I read the comic book, ‘American Born Chinese’ in my first year of high school. The artist narrates himself developing a crush on a girl because he saw her take off her jacket, and reveal her bare shoulders.

And I remember thinking, “…. ?? That’s not how a crush works!” and even to this day, I cannot for the life of me empathize with what’s happening here.

- Fae

What is missing in Asexual Fiction

I had a chat to a friend who was excited about reading “Every Heart A Doorway” today, because she is asexual and so is the protagonist of this book.  This led me to having a mini rant, because Every Heart is exactly the thing that led me to writing this blog.  

So I really like that the protagonist is ace.  It’s really important to see bad arse characters that share your identity.   It’s nice to see characters get to come out and for people to just accept them.  It’s REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT.  

But it’s not actually enough, and more importantly we are missing a step.  Remember a couple of years ago when we were desperate for stories about queer kids that weren’t actually about them being queer?  We had enough of the stories about coming out, and facing discrimination, and having just a really hard time of things.  We just wanted to read books about kids that happened to be queer fighting crime or saving the world or whatever it is that they wanted to be doing.  And we have that now for lots of identities and it’s great. We even have that for ace characters and it’s super great.  

We don’t have a lot of books about actually BEING ace though.  About the effects of coming out, about navigating relationships as ace, about discovering the identity within yourself, about dealing with the shitty things people say.   And I really want to read those stories.  

I know they say when you want to read something you have to write it yourself, but I don’t have these skills so I’m just going to write about how I feel instead and hope.

I have been recommended a few books to check out, which I’ll review in the coming weeks, but please feel free to make suggestions to me if you have them. 

Hi! Here is my submission for Ace Valentines Day. Below is my ace love story and a message for any aces out there who need some love.

My name is Nina, I am asexual, and I have been in a committed relationship with an allosexual person for 6 wonderful years.

I’ve always known there was something different about my relationship with sex, but for most of my life, I had no idea what that difference was. I just kind of assumed I was weird and nerdy. About 2 years into my current relationship, I discovered asexuality. I now consider this time a revolution, and awakening of my true self, but at the time, it was devastating. It wasn’t easy to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t give my partner what they wanted, and for a long time, I felt ashamed of myself for not being like everyone else. I couldn’t even say the word asexual without crying with shame, because I just couldn’t come to terms with who I was. It took time for me to accept myself as ace, and to discover just what that meant for me, but with the help of an incredible friend, my partner, and my own damn strength, I got there. Now, I am proud of what I am. I understand that I AM weird and nerdy, but I’m also awesome, and my orientation is a special part of me.

My partner was a HUGE support to me while I was coming to terms with who I am. When I first told him I thought I was ace, I was terrified that he would leave me. I remember sobbing in the car with him…I loved him so much and I hated myself for not wanting sex like he did, like EVERYONE did. I was so scared that my lack of sex-drive meant that somehow, I didn’t love him, even though I thought that I really did. But you know what happened? I told him everything, all my questions and fears. And he listened. He heard me. And time and time again during the ups and downs of that process he was there when I needed to talk out how I was feeling, he validated by existence when I felt erased by the media, by my friends, by everything around me. We communicated about what we both needed, and about how we both felt about each other.

It wasn’t always simple, and sometimes, he accidentally said the wrong thing. Sometimes, when he asked for sex it would send me spiraling into self-loathing, because I just didn’t understand why I didn’t want what he wanted. But every time I said no, he always respected my boundaries and that was key. We talked and talked and struggled through the uncharted waters of our new situation, and eventually, we became comfortable with our new relationship. Now, there is an unspoken rule between us that any sexual contact will ALWAYS be initiated by me. If he asks and I say “no”, that is the end of it. And we are still intimate! Remember, there are a MILLION ways to be intimate with someone you love that DON’T INVOLVE SEX! We kiss each other all over, we hug, hold hands, cuddle and talk for hours, we touch each other’s bodies with loving hands, and tell each other that we are beautiful. We share blankets, play-wrestle, give massages and take baths together. We find our own ways to be close. I can honestly say I have the most intimate relationship with my partner that I’ve ever had with anyone…and we haven’t had sex in months (literally can’t remember the last time lol). 

The fact of the matter is this: sex is definitely important to a lot of allosexual people, and that’s okay, BUT if someone really loves you, sex will always come second to making sure you feel safe and comfortable. If someone cannot give you that respect, love, and understanding, my friend, keep walking. You deserve so much better, and you never EVER have to play second fiddle to someone’s sex-drive. 

To each and every one of you who doubts themselves, hates themselves, and thinks they will never find love, fight that fear, fight that loathing. You are not broken. You are so worthy! Worthy of love, of respect, of self-confidence. You are not a dork, you are so cool! You are not a prude, you are just not sexual. Being a virgin does not make you less than anyone else, and being an ace who has (or has had) sex does not make you any less ace! If you don’t like to kiss, then you don’t have to kiss anyone. If you don’t feel comfortable with physical contact, then you don’t have to have that! You do NOT have to put your needs second to please your partner. You do NOT deserve to be treated poorly because you are different than them. Don’t listen to the media, to your friends, to your parents or ANYONE who tells you otherwise. Hold you head high, even if you don’t feel strong yet, because you ARE strong, and you WILL feel strong one day. I promise you. 

If you want romantic love in your life, do not let yourself believe that you will never find it. There are so many amazing people out there of all orientations who can and will love you. YOU DESERVE LOVE, YOU DESERVE RESPECT, YOU KICK ASS. 

I love you all, Nina

@emetoprincess and I are at it again. This time, Nico and Will live out their lives through cute whumpy illness and injury scenarios. These are probably going to be too long, and from now on, I’ll probably post the rest on my AO3. This installment is a whopping 14k+ words, so brace yourselves. This is very self-indulgent and defies real world illness and medicine.

Nico set down his last box of clothes, dropping it with a flourish and stretching high above his head, grimacing as he pulled at the ache in his back, but still managing to smile at his boyfriend.

Or rather, his fiancé.

“Please tell me that’s it for today,” Nico said, rolling his shoulders. “At least I can sit down while we unpack. Wait—is the furniture even here yet?”

He looked around, seeing nothing but skyscrapers of boxes and heaps of trash bags on the floor. Moving in with Will was one of the best decisions he’d ever made—right up there with deciding to marry him—and the only thing that could possibly make their move-in a disaster was if they had nowhere to sit, nowhere to sleep.

Keep reading

seriously my dudes any of you who are just discovering you’re ace, just starting consider that you might be ace, any of you who originally thought you were ace but are beginning realise you’re something else… you’re all my children and I love all of you and no matter what you end up labelling yourself as and no matter how you end up seeing yourself you’re valid and your vodka asexual mother loves you and only wants the best for you

anonymous asked:

so i've discovered i'm ace, i want to come out to my friends but i can't be basiccc!! so gotta any good/funny ways to come out?

my dude:

you came to the right place.


1: make an ace cake– each layer a different color of the ace flag, and maybe decorate it with icing to say “I’m ace” or something on the top

2: just spam a group chat (if you have one) with things like “I’m grACEful” & other adjectives that have “ace” in them & eventually they’ll let on

3: just say you’re a battery: triple A’s if you’re agender/aromantic/asexual, double A’s if you’re aroace. this doesn’t really work if you have different romantic orientation though

4: put an ace of spades up your sleeve and the next time you see them take it out and say “this isn’t the only ace i have up my sleeve”

Dear Ace Community,

Discovering your proud voices on tumblr has helped me accept more of myself. It has helped me survive those invalidating lonely moments where one wishes to be someone else, where one wishes to be ‘normal’.

Your experiences and words fill me with hope and gratitude. Self-acceptance is hard when you feel like you’re the only trying to inspire yourself, and all of you have made that journey a lot easier. Much love to all you beautiful, wonderful people. ❤️

Love,

Valiantly Profound Cheesecake

I think about asexual Genos and Saitama a lot

ace Genos with no sex drive at all and ace Saitama who occasionally needs to get himself off

ace Genos who doesn’t mind if sexual Saitama frots against him because he just enjoys being intimate with Saitama even if it’s not sexual for him

sexual Genos and ace Saitama who discovers that he can get Genos hot and bothered very easily and takes great pleasure/amusement in getting Genos off but doesn’t care about any reciprocation

ace Genos and ace Saitama who are both afraid the other will want a sexual relationship and not sure if they can provide it

ace Genos and ace Saitama assuming the other is sexual and thinking ‘ok I guess I could do that’ and leading to really awkward attempted sex until they realize neither of them really care about doing it so they stop and laugh and order takeout instead

ace Genos and sexual Saitama (or vice versa) trying to figure out the lines between sexual and sensual and discussing their needs and wants

ace Genos and ace Saitama never worrying about sex because it doesn’t occur to either of them, they just do whatever feels right and nothing more

ace Genos and ace Saitama who don’t even realize they are ace, they just say to each other “let’s wait a while” and never get around to having sex

ace Genos and ace Saitama both having this big moment where they end up blurting out, “I’m asexual” “me too” and then both breathing a big sigh of relief and laughing

ace Genos and ace Saitama who keep touching each other all the time but it’s 100% platonic

ace Genos and ace Saitama being genuinely confused when other people notice they are “together” and keep asking them if they’ve fucked

ace Genos and ace Saitama making dirty and lewd jokes all the time

ace Genos and ace Saitama being completely oblivious when someone directs any innuendo at them

ace Genos and ace Saitama getting rude people who assume they don’t know anything about sex or are too prudish and scared of nudity and that’s why they haven’t had sex but in reality they’re both highly aware of sexual education and could vividly describe each other’s bodies because they are naked around each other all the time they just don’t feel sexual attraction

Discovering Me

I haven’t posted in a while. Things got too busy, but something has changed since the last post. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and the most important thing I’ve learned has to do with this month, Pride Month. 

Buckle up. This will be a long ride. But don’t worry. There will be a tl;dr at the bottom.

CW: Discussion of Erasure, Discourse, brief discussion of rape (#6 on lists), some foul language, let me know if I missed anything.

This past year, I learned that I am asexual. Not only am I asexual, but I’m questioning my romantic orientation. Maybe I’m heteroromantic, and maybe I’m biromantic. Questioning is what started my journey to discovering my asexuality, so I’m embracing this next step in my journey, to fight against my internalized behavior and view on certain subjects and break free to discovering me. But this post isn’t so much about that. That will be a different post, maybe tomorrow or maybe next year. Who knows. Discovering Me Part 2 is on the way.

This post is about my experience within my first year of embracing Asexuality. No one else, though part of my observations have included many people within the Asexual community. If you want to skip this paragraph, feel free, but this is a quick summary of the discovery process. Many moons ago (cheap way to get out of actually having the figure out the years) I met one of my closest friends on a website. We began discussing many subjects, and eventually landed on the subject of sexuality. It was at this point that I learned what Asexuality was. It was the first time I’d ever heard of it. Outside of biology, of course. I had so much to learn, and in learning, I discovered that we had a lot in common. It took me years to figure out that this was because I was, in fact, asexual. My whole life, I’ve been asexual, and never knew. 

Since coming out as Asexual, I’ve never felt better about myself. I’ve learned that there is nothing wrong with me, because there are others like me and I am valid. It’s okay to not feel sexual attraction and it’s okay to not want to engage in sexual activities. Even more so, sexuality is a spectrum and one can be fluid. It’s now my belief that sexual and romantic orientation can be static or fluid equally, and it depends on the individual.

Now, the reason for this post. It’s the end of Pride Month. My first Pride Month. I was so happy to be me, and I was so happy to be able to celebrate with the other Aces I’ve met through group pages on Tumblr and Facebook. There was a lot of positivity for each other in these groups. But what I found outside of them?

Quite frankly, a lot of the behavior has been disgraceful.

Now wait. I’m sure there are plenty of people already writing responses to say how I’m ‘making something out of nothing’ or ‘trying to play the victim.’ Hell, I’m sure there are people who already stopped reading to tell me how I’m not valid. But see, that’s the point of this post. 

Let me list a few things I’ve learned this month about Asexuality specifically. If I talked about everything, this would be the longest post ever, and no one is going to read it anyway so I might as well just cover the one thing. I may or may not agree with these things, we’ll get to that later. This is just a list of what I’ve observed. I will edit as necessary.

1. Asexuals are not oppressed. 

2. Asexuality isn’t a real sexuality.

3. Cisgender, Heteroromantic Asexuals do not belong in the LGBTQIA+ community.

4. Asexuals likely suffer from something (trauma, low libido, blahblahBLAHblahblah, what have you…)

5. Asexuals, by creating their own community, are threatening the LGBTQIA+ community. 

6. The use of the term “Corrective Rape” is inappropriate and an insult to lesbians for which the term was originally used.

These were the biggest ones. There were others, and if anyone is reading this, please feel free to continue this list if you like. Discussion is the point. Also, before we continue, yes, I know not all LGBTQIA+. We have a ton of supporters in the community, and we’re all aware and grateful for the support, just as you are of your supporters. But the others. Those who don’t support. They often have the loudest voices. I’m sure you know. 

Now, I’m not trying to overshadow anyone else’s problems. Trans and Bisexuals in the community are getting a lot of hate from the community as well. I recognize and understand that. Most of us in the Asexual community do. So let’s just start with one easy fact we can all agree on, yes?

For most of us, we feel we were born this way. Of course, other situations can play into our current orientations. But most of us believe that the way we are is the way we’ve always been, at least to some degree. That’s part of the joy of being ‘out,’ isn’t it? So I can’t blame a gay man for only liking men in that manner. Nor can I blame a trans woman for being a woman. No one can blame me for not feeling sexual attraction, or a demisexual for only feeling sexual attraction after creating a strong emotional bond. See, sexuality and romantic orientation are almost impossible to lump into groups. Everyone has a different experience, and that’s why spectrums exist. We need to respect that while someone is under an umbrella term, they may not identify entirely with the majority. One small change is all it takes to be viewed as an outsider. Or at least that’s what I have observed. All sexualities are valid. This does not include anything outside of sexual attraction, though. Do not be confused, and do not tell me pedophiles belong in the lgbtqia+ community. That is a different discussion. Moving on. Let’s talk about the list. 

1. Asexuals are not oppressed. Wrong. NOW WAIT! Before you start typing away, here’s why: Oppression comes in many shapes and sizes. No one is saying we are getting killed in the streets during daytime because we don’t feel sexual attraction. Literally no one, and I’ve been looking. We are not comparing ourselves to other members of the community. We are not systematically oppressed. Sure. But we are oppressed to some degree (This is not to say we are oppressed by outside hate groups). Oppression isn’t a race to the finish line. It’s not a ‘who has it worse’ game. Oppression sucks no matter how much you experience. Telling me that I have never been called an abomination just walking down the street, so that doesn’t make me a member of the community, is the most ridiculous fucking thing I’ve ever heard. “Did you get threatened today? I did. Out with you!” Hi. I have news for you. Perhaps we are not getting death threats from as many straight people as you. But guess what? If you’re about to type in the comments “If you’re not systemically oppressed, you don’t belong in the community,” Many people would say YOU’RE THE OPPRESSOR HI HELLO.

We want other people who AREN’T THE SAME AS US to say “Hi. You’re Asexual? That’s neat. I’m ____. Wanna be friends?” Instead of “Hi. You’re Asexual? Here’s why you’re not.” This, friends, is erasure. It takes many forms, but this one is pretty common. “Oh you just have a low libido/you haven’t met the right person yet/have you tried having sex/etc.” Basically, people are telling us our sexuality is not valid, and more of a ‘phase’ that can be ‘cured’ in some shape or form. Is erasure oppression? A little bit, I’d think. Doesn’t it sound familiar? I mostly think that because other groups have brought up their own erasure as a form of oppression in the past. So….? Let’s move forward.

I’m going to bring number 6 up as it’s own, so have patience. We’re gonna skip right over to the community here. We covered erasure. Let’s next talk about the definition of Oppression. Feel free to look it up on google. Here are some keywords/phrases: Burdened by troubles, adverse conditions, anxiety, etc. The exercise of authority or power in a burdensome, cruel, or unjust manner

Oh, Tumblr. How guilty you are. Not just you, of course, but let’s just jump right into the toxicity of many loud bloggers. Cisgender Heteromantic Asexuals often experience not only erasure but straight up bullying. Yes ladies and gents and those in between, cyber bullying. This is not my main blog. This is my ‘who cares what anyone else reads or says of mine’ blog. I have been told I don’t exist. I have been told I don’t belong. I have been told I don’t belong in the community. I have been told I must be a bad girlfriend, unable to provide. I have been told I will never find love, and will die alone. What was that definition again? The exercise of authority or power in a what manner? Get this! most often than not, I am not asked my romantic orientation. I am not given a chance to say “I currently identify as heterosexual, but I’m questioning if I may be bisexual.” That is an afterthought, after all the acid has been spewed. 

I have been told I just need a good lay to be normal. I have been the butt of jokes, because being Asexual is apparently funny. I have been coerced into sexual activities with their partners, even though I didn’t want to. I have been told that I can be ‘fixed’ if I just open up to a therapist (which, btw, for those who don’t know, I’ve been told multiple times that Asexuality was considered a mental illness until like 2013). I have been told, many times, that I should just ‘kill myself’. Not only by straight people. That’s right. Members of the community. All of these Ace Hate pages? Yes, hello, welcome to the party. You are the oppressors! 

I also want to point out that, again, everything is a spectrum. There are Cisgender HETEROROMANTIC Bisexuals. It happens. There are Cisgender Heteroromantic Homosexuals who may choose not to identify as bisexual, and that is their choice. So what makes me straight if I identify as a Cisgender Heteroromantic Asexual? That is not heteronormative.

2. Asexuality isn’t a real sexuality. Well, maybe you’re right. I don’t know. I’m not the authority on this, and you sure as hell aren’t either. I didn’t sign up for this. But let’s talk about sexuality. When we label our sexuality, we are effectively saying “this gets me going.” We’re saying I am sexually attracted to ____. So Asexuals are saying “I am sexually attracted to nothing.” Now, that’s a generalization because again, spectrum, but you get the idea. So maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s just a name for nothing. But where it gets tricky is when we talk about sex-positivity, sex-neutrality, and sex-repulsivity. These are a part of the spectrum of Asexuality, and I’m sure you’re all smart enough to figure out what it means. Basically, you either view sex positively and may like to participate, you don’t care either way, or sex is gross for whatever reason. Everyone perceives sex differently. That’s okay. I think by saying Asexual isn’t a real sexuality, people are erasing that some Asexuals do actually have sex. I don’t know. Could just be me. Either way, I consider Asexuality a real sexuality, because otherwise, I am nothing. I’m not straight. Just a bit of space dust on a rock. :) 

3. Cisgender, Heteroromantic Asexuals do not belong in the community. Why? If you read the last couple paragraphs for my explanation of number 1, as well as my response to number 2, this shouldn’t still be an argument. Let’s discuss what it means to be straight. You must be 3 things to be straight. 1) Cisgender. Check. I bring this up because, while it has been pointed out this is a transphobic statement (which is not my intention,) it is used in arguments literally all the time against asexuals, and therefore, it is only my observation that people are using this to reinforce being ‘straight’. Many people in the community are cisgendered, so watch out! You could be straight, too! Hold on, calm down, two more to go. 2) Heteroromantic. Check(ish?). Phew, some of you are safe! But, still, not all. See, as I stated above, being a certain orientation sexually is not always mirrored romantically. For instance, and this is a real person I know, I have a Heteroromantic friend who is quite Bisexual. There’s totally nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s great. Because, again, spectrum. So look out! You’re not all safe yet! Here we go…..drumroll….3) Heterosexual. Ouch! Missed by one. How’d everyone else do? If you said yes to all 3, you’re straight! If not, guess what! You’re not! And that’s awesome. Everything is awesome. Be who you are proudly! But most of all, stop shitting on everyone else. Now, I understand some straight people are shitty. But some people in the community can be just as shitty. Please see my response to number 1. ;) Basically, if you ain’t straight, you’re in the community, friend! It’s based off of an early principle of the community - You are welcome if you fall outside of heteronormativity. 

4. Asexuality is likely a result of abuse, trauma, illness, etc… Okay so most of the time I hear this from straight people. I’m not surprised. It’s okay to not understand something. But know when to listen and have an open mind. At the end of the day, you need to stay in your lane. It’s cool. It’s a learning process.

Now, for community members who say this. Are you for real? Don’t you remember when people were saying that about you? Treating your orientations as a phase? Telling you it must be from all that abuse, or because mommy let you join choir instead of football, or daddy didn’t let you date? Don’t you remember when everyone thought it was a mental illness? They still say it! You’re still hearing it! Or have you forgotten so quickly? Why do you say this to us? And for those of us for which this statement is true, why in hell does this make us less valid? Whether it was the result of abuse, trauma, etc., or not, it’s not your job to tell us why we are the way we are. Instead of shaming us for the result, try welcoming us and treating us as friends. Again, we’re not getting killed in the streets. No, I don’t fear for my life because I say I’m Asexual. But our emotions are valid, and emotional trauma as well as physical trauma is tragic when happening to anyone. Just because asexuality =/= death (yet, since it’s still barely known who knows what could happen), doesn’t mean we don’t need a space. It’s a smaller space. We’re fine with that. 

5. Asexual communities are a threat to LGBTQIA+ communities. How? Somewhere I read that Asexuals currently make up less than 1% of the population. Maybe that number just came out of someone’s ass, but we’re definitely a minority. I know 2 people irl who identify on the Asexual spectrum. 2. In 25 years of living. Honestly, who knows how many of us are out there, because many people don’t even know what Asexuality is yet, as evidenced by the “you can’t reproduce by yourself” messages some Ace groups get. They’re quite funny. Anyway, yes. We have our own community. It is the Ace community. Are you Ace? You’re in the community. Welcome. Are you Trans? You’re in the Trans community. Are you Gay? You’re in the Gay community. See how this works? And, are you not straight? Welcome. You are in the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Nay-sayers have been telling us to create our own community since we’ve been vocal about our sexuality. “You don’t belong here. If you want a safe space, make your own.” We made our community a little more solid. “How dare you try to overshadow us and steal our resources!” Okay. You’re ridiculous. 

The fact of the matter is, you’re not going to be happy so long as we exist. It’s a lonely world out there, especially when you feel like you don’t belong. Or did you not experience that? Must be nice. Maybe you’ve forgotten. No one understands us completely except for other people like us. So of COURSE we have a community. Just like you do. It’s nice. It helps us feel valid. It’s a support system for when something else in our life falls to hell because, surprise, we’re not ‘normal’. But we’re so. small. We want to be part of something bigger so that we can feel accepted and bond over our shared experiences, instead of being reminded of how we’re different. Isn’t that what you wanted? Did you forget? 

One last note on this. I have seen a LOT of arguments about whether or not the A stands for Ally or Asexual, or both (I mean, the Q is Queer or Questioning, right?) but some people (in and out of our community) feel that straight allies receive less push back than asexuals in the community. Strange. Now, I haven’t seen this because I steer clear of most LGBTQIA+ events. Why? Well I would love to participate, but I’m afraid of being harassed by people who think I don’t belong. So I can show up as an Ally, but I can’t show up as an Asexual? What if I want to be an Ally? I want to help your fight. It’s awful what happens to you. I can’t be, because I’m Asexual? Because I’m not going to keep my Asexuality to myself. I’m proud of my Asexuality. So evidently, I can’t be both. Isn’t the community about several smaller communities coming together to fight for rights and visibility? If the Asexual community wants to join your fight and help the larger community, why is that so terrible?

6. Corrective Rape is a term that was created specifically for Lesbians is how this was first put to me. I nearly choked on air. Yes, Lesbians and female bisexuals (males as well? Let me know if this is the case-) are treated horribly by many societies. Yes, they are raped to teach them the ‘correct’ way to be. It’s disgusting. Everyone knows it’s disgusting, and as a woman who was assaulted in a very different situation, I can tell you firsthand it’s one of the worst things that can happen to a human being. 

I have a story that some of you may not want to read, so skip this if you feel you may get upset. It involves a woman who is Asexual, and a man who is not. The woman trusts this man. He is a father, or brother, or relative, or husband, or date, or stranger. This woman tells this man that she does not feel sexual attraction. Maybe she needed to tell someone. Maybe she needed to tell him so he didn’t create expectations. Maybe she’s just very open about herself and very proud of who she is. Then, this man laughs at her and tells her she’s silly. He tells her she just hasn’t had a good fuck. She becomes offended, and tries to explain her sexuality, but he continues to laugh at her and says he knows how to ‘fix’ her. Maybe he tries.

Get the picture? I won’t continue. We all know what happens next. What does that sound like, to you? Does it sound like a normal rape story? Sure. Except for one keyword. Fix. What about if the man suddenly became irrationally angry? Does that make it more convincing? That happens, too. Either way, in some way or another, it is done with the goal to ‘fix’ her. Or him. Or them. Whoever it may be in this story. Because there are a million different ways this story could go. So tell me. What does this sound like to you? Does it sound like rape with the purpose of correcting? 

Some people argue that the term was ‘coined’ (as was said to me) for Lesbians. But this term is describing an event. Look up the definition. Whether or not that is the case, this is the best way to describe this situation. And it happens. Like it or not, you can’t change that. No one can. And to look someone in the face and say that despite your experiences, you’re not valid? 

Like it or not, if someone is not Cisgender, Heteroromantic, and Heterosexual all at the same time, they are not straight. That is what straight is. You can’t change that definition to *gasp* exclude someone. It’s not your job. This community is about providing a safe space, for everyone to feel welcome and included because we don’t fit in with straight people. Yes, some groups experience more dangerous oppression than others, and they deserve all the resources they require. Yes, other groups needs to recognize when they do not need certain resources. But we all need to realize that oppression in any form is toxic. It is painful, and we could all use love and acceptance. This is working together to understand that we all hurt, but some of us are privileged in being able to have only emotional hurt, instead of physical and emotional hurt. That doesn’t make the hurt less valid. Ever. But it certainly means we have a space, and we need to stay in it. Everyone in the community should be of this mindset: “Come in, join us. You belong somewhere. You are valid. Here is your space. Please stay in your space.” This is working together to create a better community than we left. A better community than the one that rejected us all. 

Happy Pride Month, everyone. I’m PROUD to be a Cisgender, Heteroromanticish Asexual, and I am PROUD to be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community! 

TL;DR: 

You know what? I can’t condense that. It’s all too important. But I WILL leave a reminder: I am but one person speaking on my own about things I have observed in and out of the community. These are my thoughts as it stands, and of course are subject to change. I am open to discussion, and more than willing to learn more about other people’s experiences. 

Finally, most of this post WAS aimed at the minority. Most people in the community do not sit around and hate on Asexuals. I said it earlier and I will say it again and again. But hopefully this post was informative for somebody.