abuser narratives

idk the pushing of the Forgive Thy Abuser narrative puts a bad taste in my mouth and it’s such a not good thing to try to force everyone into then paint them as an awful person who will never heal if they don’t offer forgiveness. but. keep spitting out “forgive them!” i guess. hearing it 50 times is cool. neat. never going to do it though! tbh! Ever! not offering forgiveness to someone who doesn’t deserve it and hurt me continuously for years. my business is my own. my healing and coping process are my own. as are everyone else’s. my choice

so i told my mom about ponypop

as a lot of my followers may know, my mom grew up in oklahoma in the 60s, and read the outsiders when she was in school. her thoughts on the book and fandom appear on this blog sometimes. she’s also a psychotherapist. she has a lot of qualifications.

so i told her about the ponypop discourse. mostly about the people saying those hating on the shippers are “tearing this fandom apart” or some shit.

in her words:

“if you trivialize and downplay incest and abuse you are part of the environment that allows it to happen.”

i want you all to take that to sleep with you tonight. 

Ok but how bad do you have to be at writing that you’d show Mickey and Ian’s last interaction being Ian telling Mickey he had to be paid to see him and now all of a sudden they are riding off into the sunset together??? It’s like when Ian went from beating Mickey to wanting to go on a date with Mickey to like not caring if he was shot??? Like it’s just so inconsistent???

christ y’all but there is a difference between Rowan and Aelin hating one another in HoF and saying some horrible shit to each other (and it does go both ways- they both say some horrendous things) and Tamlin abusing Feyre to the point that she is depressed, has an eating disorder and has a mental breakdown. Please stop equating relationship conflict and enemies to lovers with actual abuse!!! Just please stop!! Abuse is not just being hurtful or mean to someone! Abuse is is repeated and regular emotional and/or physical violence, manipulation and cruelty!! Stop saying that Rowan is abusive in the way that Tamlin is!!! Carelessly labeling something abuse undermines the validity and importance of actual abuse narratives!!!

(i am not attempting to call anyone out specifically or start a fight, but I have seen this type of discourse around lately and I wanted to add my own opinion to the discussion) 

anyway so since everyones talkin about part five anime im gonna talk about why leone abbacchio is my favorite character in the entire franchise listen
it’s very rare that people with ugly symptoms of mental illness are portrayed as redeemable. abbacchio is violent and angry and does do things that can be categorized as abusive. but the narrative gives him a reason to be that way without excusing it, and still writes him as a redeemable person in the end. his character arc is concluded as him being seen as a good person despite his many flaws, but it also doesn’t excuse his previous actions. he’s written as explicitly mentally ill. there’s no canon diagnosis, but there’s heavy implications that he’s formerly suicidal, that he’s gone though problems with addiction, and that it’s all caused by a severe mental illness. and yet in the end, he’s still a good person.
it’s so rare to see this, and it’s what disheartens me most when people oversimplify his character. honestly, as a person who shares a lot of the same traits when it comes to coping and behavior and the reason for it, it means a lot to me. and when/if part five gets animated, i’m sure there’s going to be discourse. but please remember that the majority of people who identify with this character share traits with him, and the eventual discourse is going to disregard them entirely, but i beg you to all think of that community when that discourse happens.

For us to grow.
Manufactured landscapes of clean line and mossed grout leaving no detail to acquire these spaces only through abuse of substance become narrative, that which was designed for stagnation becomes true romanticism through unlikely experience, concrete underpass & formed beds of dirt, gazed upon and thought of nothing bring out truth, nobody fights for these drabbed plinths of Pre-formed concrete allowing truth to exist without interruption, look closely and cracks appear, uneven sheets of water and pigeon feather, human interruption without consideration is our reality.

you were NOT abused. YOU were the abuser. you threw a tantrum and expected them to rush to you. you were outraged when they realized you weren’t worth chasing and they had a chance to finally be free of you. when they took that chance and never looked back, you invented this narrative of abuse because you cannot STAND the idea that you were the one who was wrong all along. you will always be miserable because you will never take responsibility for your shit. fuck you.

A survivor of abuse should not have to be a wholly passive, fragile victim who does nothing to fight back against their abuse to be accepted as the victim and not the perpetrator. It is not “blurring the line” of who the abuser is when a victim struggles against their situation and the one who put them in that situation.

anonymous asked:

As an abuse victim myself the way I took it was that Jasper was SUPPOSED to be seen as the abuser, but the writing was so bad that it came out confused and the power imbalance made no sense. It's like they thought just making her buff would show that she's The Abuser instead of think about actual ability and power that goes deeper than muscle...

That’s basically my beef with it lmao.

Like lapis states that she hurt Jasper and she did something because she enjoyed hurting her but the fandom read it as “oh lapis is blaming herself” like do I have fucking eyes Brenda

It does suck that su attempted and failed at telling a decent narrative about abuse (like this is just me but next time don’t try to tell the “mutual abuse” narrative if one of the characters was portrayed as a victim for most of the series *shrug emoticon* )

anonymous asked:

why dont u like sinhal? just curious

givs me Bad Vibes Bad Feels mate.,,,,,, i dnt feel like i know enough abt whats accepted as the actual ‘canon’ for their history to like say anything concrete. bt i Know i dont dig their dynamic + vague power imbalance when both were GLs and i dont dig th whole “sinestro is actually obsessed with hal” dynamic once hes a YL.,,,,, 

when i didnt kno anything abt GL canon at all i thought it ws cute frum a cheesy hero/villain ship standpoint., but sinestros too manipulative fr me its creepy .,,, i think itd b too mondo unhealthy in all or most contexts ., <:^/ 

There’s a narrative about abusers that, while rings true for probably a lot of people, falls short in my experience. Not all abusers are calculating and malicious. Some people just. Think abuse is the proper way to interact with human beings. (Can’t get someone to do what I want? Emotionally manipulate them! And then say that they’re the manipulative one!) not all abusers intend to be abusive or even know what they’re doing is abusive.

That doesn’t mean the abuse is any better for the victim. It usually means we question it more. Is it really abuse if they didn’t mean it? If they tell us they love us? If they’re not malicious? If they just don’t know any other way to behave?

Abuse just has many forms and they all suck balls

like. I used to be in the “don’t even look at me if you like Jasper or ship Jaspis she’s 100% evil and an abuser and blahblahblah” camp because I was so strongly attached to Lapis and her narrative of abuse because of my own past, but with the way this show treats literally every butch woman that gets an appearance, I’ve completely abandoned that way of thinking. I still love Lapis, but the crew ALWAYS treats butch women as dangerous brutes and with Lapis’ attitude towards almost drowning the kids in that last episode, I don’t think of her the same way anymore. Her narrative of abuse was handled so clumsily that the show pretty much implies that “mutual abuse” is a thing and that Lapis hurt Jasper just as much, and in the context of this damn ass show you can’t even deny that! but at the same time, Jasper is still completely demonized, literally dehumanized, then bubbled?? That makes no sense at all

baccano! has canonically trans characters and canonically bi characters and canonically gender fluid characters and canonically asexual characters

it has narratives on abuse and neglect

it has characters who are survivors and characters who are broken and characters who have become warped due to their abuse or neglect, yet they are never portrayed as lesser people for how they cope

it has a character who turns his life around after a pretty serious drug problem

it has characters of different cultures who embrace their heritage

it has characters who rely on their faith and characters who think religion is shit, and neither is presented as better than the other

it has disabled characters that are never perceived as weak: a mute girl and a man with a prosthetic arm who can instill fear in people’s hearts due to their power/skill alone

it has an overall theme of how your biological family does not necessarily have to be your real family, that if your family is shitty and neglectful and abusive, you can leave them behind and still be happy and loved

and it presents these themes and these different lifestyles as normal or healthy or acceptable, because the characters understand that everyone is broken in some way, that everyone has demons from their pasts, and all that matters is trying to take a step forward in the best way you can

We have just been shown the secret of this world on a macro level. The shape of the bird cage. The structure of it.

But on a micro level, on an individual, personal level, Tokyo Ghoul has another recurring cage. The Black Goat’s Egg. The cycle of abuse. The place survivors of terrible things, of violence, of trauma, of twisted abusive love find themselves. Kaneki’s ever present fear of turning into the son of the black goat. Into Rize. Into his mother. 

The cage that is violence and control in all forms, and the violence it begets.

So it’s… fitting, then, that just as we see time and time again that victims of violence, through good or ill intent, can get twisted or forced or molded into the role of abuser, or forced into violence themselves - that ghouls should run the very system that oppresses them.

A long while go I wrote about trans-generational trauma and the self loathing being an oppressed minority can create. 

What role did that play for the Washuu clan in the formation of this cage? Is this twisted good intentions? A means of controlling the violence? Of begetting violence while trying to prevent it, like Kaneki’s crazed half kakuja in Kanou’s lab?

Victims of trauma often put up walls, form cages of their own making. Try to shield themselves and others. Try to organize and control the world so it won’t hurt them again. Sometimes they adapt to what the world wants them to, their psyches molded by a need to survive, and stuck in fight or flight.

How did this bird cage come to be, I wonder.

There is also the recurring presence of the kakuja itself to consider. A Kakuja is born from cannibalism. Ghouls praying on ghouls. The oppressed feasting on the oppressed. In-fighting instead of uniting. 

And it causes cells to mutate, and drive a ghoul insane. We’ve seen kakuja’s that seem to eat the ghoul who produced them. Out of control, a kakuja is a monster.

What is the CCG but a kakuja armor itself? Born from generations of cannibalism, of ghouls preying on ghouls. Devouring them for more power.

Has the CCG survived with it’s sanity? Can it control the monster it has become?

Just over here thinking about Harry Potter as a child abuse narrative again and like imagine if someone had reported the Dursley’s and Harry had been placed with a nice muggle family who attributes every weird thing that happens as like, things that happen when you take in a foster kid? And then when he gets the letter they’re just like “wow this was not in the pamphlet” and they just push up their sleeves and become great friends with the Weasley’s and the Grangers and send Harry weird muggle postcards from their village and pencils and school supplies to wow everyone with and they tell him he’s doing a great job and they miss him but they know he has a big destiny

Originally posted by spidehman

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It’s me, bitch!!! Tumblr user tripkuenzy tagged me to do this meme…. LAST JULY?!?! Whoops. >_< I’m sorry I procrastinated so much, and thank you for tagging me!!

Maybe I was a little pretentious with my list of likes there. I could have just said that I love incest narratives, trash ships, and writing fan fiction about Ford shitting his pants. But, all that stuff I wrote up there is true too. I’m a surprisingly deep person. (Not… not really…)

Btw, I understand if some of the stuff I wrote seems contradictory or straight up hypocritical. If I hate abuse so much, why am I obsessed with exploring abuse narratives in fiction? Why do I see abuse narratives in every media I get into, even if that was not the intent of the creators? The short answer is that I am familiar with the nature of abuse and, as an artist, I can only draw what I know. I’ve always been interested in using my art to explore ugliness and unpleasantness. It’s my Brand.

I should also elaborate that when I say I like adults expressing themselves safely through fiction, I mean safely for us. I make art for myself and for other adults with like interests. I guess I don’t mind teens being on this blog because there’s no porn here (though things can get a little blue), but ya’ll aren’t my target demographic. Age isn’t the only problem here… obviously, the subject matter I enjoy exploring is very upsetting to many people, including adults. I’ve self harmed before so I understand the urge, but please try not to look at my blog if your intention is to hurt yourself (or others!!!). Just block me. If you stumbled upon my blog by mistake, I apologize. However, not even god himself can stop me from drawing garbage.

Some things I wasn’t expecting in episode 2 of Riverdale:

  • Madam Satan THIS EARLY. I knew we’d get there, but Episode 2‽ And arguably retconned into the pilot‽  
  • An even more audaciously specific Twin Peaks steal than anything seen so far.
  • The Grundy storyline unambiguously resolving into an abuse narrative rather than the uncomfortable PLL-esque hybrid of abuse narrative and fantasy that it was in the pilot.
  • Blithe disregard of the 180 rule.

All pleasant surprises. Doing episode three tonight.

abuse doesn't always go in cycles

Content note: This post contains graphic descriptions of emotional abuse and mentions physical abuse. Proceed with caution.

Often people describe abuse as occurring primarily in cycles (including specifically with the pronouns this way):

  • He is effusively loving
  • Then, he resents her being a separate person from him
  • Tension builds up
  • He explodes and hits her
  • Then he’s all ~remorseful~ and swears he’ll never do it again
  • Then he is effusively loving again
  • and the cycle continues

That’s definitely a real thing. But it’s not the only pattern (and even when it is, it happens in gender configurations other than male abusers and female victims, and it’s not always between romantic partners.) There are many, many patterns of abuse and they’re not all discussed very much.

Here’s another pattern (not the only other pattern):

  • The abusive person will be demeaning and effusively loving at the same time
  • They will do something degrading and something genuinely positive simultaneously
  • There won’t be a discernible cyclical pattern because both parts happen at the same time
  • This can be very, very disorienting to the victim, who might be tricked into seeing their abuser as loving, considerate, and insightful, and themself as not living up to their abuser’s love

eg:

  • Daniel: I love you so much. I brought you your favorite flowers. Not everyone would be so understanding of your irrational need for flowers.
  • Daniel hugs Debra
  • Debra hugs back 
  • Debra feels awful about herself, and feels good about Daniel

or:

  • Susan: Hey, the fair’s in town. Let’s go!
  • Susan: I made you a jacket to wear.
  • Bill: That’s beautiful! Thank you!
  • They drive to the fair, and it’s warm out, so Bill decides to leave the jacket in the car
  • Susan: Where’s your jacket? Don’t you know that it hurts my feelings when you reject my gifts? I just wanted to have a nice time with you.
  • Susan: I guess it’s not your fault. I know you’ve never been in a successful relationship before. We all have stuff to work on.
  • Bill then tearfully apologizes and promises to work on it.

tl;dr If someone is hurting you and it doesn’t seem to be happening in cycles, you are not alone. Abuse doesn’t always happen in a cycle of overt abuse and effusive love. Sometimes abuse is more mixed and constant. Scroll up for one example of a different pattern.