abuser myths

abuse victims attracting abusers is a myth, abusers target victims, and it’s 100% abusers fault no matter who they abuse. you are not responsible for “making sure you don’t act in a way that could make someone want to abuse you” or for “making sure you don’t attract abusive people”, it’s on them to not fucking target and take advantage of the first person who has trouble standing up to them and saying no, who is scared of confrontation, who was groomed into pleasing and putting others first, who is still trying to find themselves and put themselves together, who doesn’t know how to demand and ask other than to offer all of their affection and support while asking nothing in return and being happy with whatever they get. these people just need proper family! someone who would protect them and allow them to build boundaries and learn they never need to offer more than they get and that they’re safe and valued and wanted and accepted just the way they are, taking advantage of someone so fragile and scared and wounded and hurting them even more in order to gain power and satisfaction is cruel and vile and abusers should go to hell for it, and whoever thought that victims should take responsibility for “attracting abusers” can also go to hell, blame fucking abusers, shame abusers for taking advantage, let them know they need to pay for what they’ve done and change their ways if they wish to keep existing, leave victims in peace

Sportacus gets a boyfriend who’s an abusive assehole and gaslights Sporto so he thinks it’s normal and okay and he’s imagining things and just overreacting. Robbie sees this and gets extremely angry because (he loves the daft elf) HE’S the villain and he won’t let some two bit ass come in and take his hero.

Robbie tries to get Sporto to leave the ass but no he thinks he’s in love and the guy takes care of him and he needs him. Fake gag.

Robbie needs to kick this ass out of town before he completely destroys his (friend) advocacy. (With maybe Glanni’s help… and his strong boyfriend… [aka (unknowing to Robbo) Sportos big bro] muscle is an advantage yes.)

(Sportacus did like Robbie but thought he wasn’t an option. Robbie is respectful and doesn’t peruse him and waits until Sporto is ready before beginning anything.)

When an abused woman refuses to “look at her part” in the abuse, she has actually taken a powerful step out of self-blame and toward emotional recovery. She doesn’t have any responsibility for his actions. Anyone who tries to get her to share responsibility is adopting the abuser’s perspective. (Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That)

“It takes two to tango” does NOT apply to abuse. Victims have no responsibility for abusers’ actions and anybody who says otherwise is aiding abusers.

Again for people in the back:

Victims have no responsibility for abusers’ actions and anybody who says otherwise is aiding abusers.

One more time:

Victims have no responsibility for abusers’ actions and anybody who says otherwise is aiding abusers.

Gang, I’d like to talk about Hephaestus and Aglaia.

Hephaestus and Aphrodite get so much attention – the allure of opposites attracting, I guess. And maybe there’s some fantasy wish-fulfillment there, because who wouldn’t want to be married to Aphrodite?

You know who? Hephaestus.

That was an arranged marriage, ordered by Zeus.

But Hephaestus had a second marriage, after he divorced Aphrodite. He married Aglaia, the youngest of the three Charities, and the Goddess of Adornment and Beauty – and he stayed married to her. And she works with him in his workshop, and they have several daughters together.

And it makes so much sense. Of course the God of Clever Technology is married to the Goddess of Pretty. And of course they work hand-in-hand in the workshop, and make things together. When you pick up your smart phone, and it fits perfectly in your hand, and the touchscreen has colorful icons that look pleasing together, that’s the work of Hephaestus and Aglaia.

Here’s the full story (or one version of the full story, at any rate):

Hephaestus wanted to get back at his mother, Hera, for throwing him off Olympus, so he made an extravagant throne for her, and had it sent up to her. And once she sat down in it, she was trapped, and couldn’t move.

Zeus promised the hand of Aphrodite  to anyone who could free her.  But only Hephaestus knew the secret of how the throne worked. And he had no interest in going back to Olympus.  Finally, Zeus sent Dionysus down to Lemnos, where Hephaestus had his forge, and it was only after getting the god thoroughly drunk that he was able get Hephaestus to come back with him.

And even then, Hephaestus only agreed to freeing his ‘mother’ after she admitted in front of all those witnesses how badly she had wounded him when she threw him off Olympus.

And after that, Zeus granted him Aphrodite as his wife.

But she was almost immediately unfaithful to him (no reason she should be, anyway, since she didn’t have any say in the marriage to begin with), and had sex with her own brother, Ares.

Hephaestus, hearing about the affair, made a super fine, invisible, net and bound them to the bed in the middle of the act. Then he showed the other gods how Aphrodite was unfaithful to him. But instead of sympathizing, the other gods basically said:

“Woo-Hoo! Way to go, Ares!”

And laughed at Hephaestus even more.

So he said (basically): “Fine! Screw you lot!” and went back to his workshop, and married Aglaia.


So I propose we take up Hephaestus not only as patron of inventors and craftsmen, and not only as patron of disability-born creative thinking, but also as patron of all survivors of abuse, who don’t give in to pressure to forgive their abusers “because they’re family!” (uwu), and instead go on to find and build a family of choice.

abusive parents get jealous of their children

abusive parents compete with their children

abusive parents like to rub in children’s face how much they’re better than the children

abusive parents do not have in their interests to teach, encourage, help or raise a child, they want to break it and defeat it

abusive parents thrive on feeling more powerful than their children

abusive parents are like school bullies who’ve been given unlimited power to do whatever they want to their victims

abusive parents think it’s their time to take it all out on someone who can’t fight back

abusive parents do not have their child’s best interests in mind, not even good interests

abusive parents couldn’t care less if their child is suffering, if there will be long term consequences of pain they’re causing to it

abusive parents only care about never being called out or blamed for anything they did, they never want to feel guilty for even a second

abusive parents will attack anyone who dares to call them out

abusive parents will blame anyone but themselves.

SAY IT WITH ME, KIDS

Keeping fish and reptiles in small tanks will not keep them small

Keeping fish and reptiles in small tanks will not keep them small

Keeping fish and reptiles in small tanks will not keep them small

Keeping fish and reptiles in small tanks will not keep them small!!!!!!

i. aphrodite spends her nights on street corners, red lips wrapped around the neck
of a vodka bottle,
lipstick stains on empty glass because this is the only way she’ll survive when unfamiliar
hands feel too much like bullet wounds.

ii. hera stores binoculars in the glove department of her bmw, hours spent
in the car watching helplessly
as her husband holds three other women,
only to come home and say, “i love you, baby.”
her eyes sting, from holding back the tears.

iii. persephone has therapy three times a week,
he broke her, but she is learning
to put the pieces back together.
sometimes her mouth still tastes like him
like pomegranates
it doesn’t bother her as much, anymore.

—  when mt. olympus falls, or a modern goddess // m.m.c.

youtube.com/jadedculture / facebook.com/jadedculture /@jaded_culture

Look at white feminist logic. It takes a special kind of ahistorical delusion to consider your years of deliberate and calculated willful oppression as benevolence. Also peep how they view colorblind erasure as a SOLUTION. These types are so incredibly dangerous.

Dear Parents

Hi. How ya doing? Being a parent is weird and hard and rewarding, right? That’s been my experience anyhow. Most of us are trying to do the best we can. There’s a lot expected of us. There’s a lot of pressure in raising a tiny human without fucking up. And I hate to add to your growing list of duties and concerns and necessary steps in raising a happy, healthy person but there’s something really important you need to do.

Teach your children what abuse looks like.

Now, the hardest part about doing that is actually going to be learning yourself what abuse looks like.

“I know what abuse is!” you say.

Sorry. You probably don’t. Statistically speaking, I’m more likely addressing somebody on the other side of the screen that hasn’t been properly educated on the realities of abuse. We’re fed a lot of myths about abuse. You don’t have to be ashamed because society failed to teach you right. It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to correct that error now.

I would suggest you sit down with a copy of Why Does He Do That? (my favorite book so far on the topic written by one of the world’s foremost experts). I know, I know. You’re busy. You’re stretched thin. You probably already lack time to read for pleasure as much as you did before you have kids and now some rando on the internet is assigning you fucking homework? But trust me, it’s worth it.

After that, teach your kids. Teach them what abuse looks like. Teach your sons especially what constitutes abuse and that there is no excuse to justify it and that they alone are responsible for their actions.

How?

There’s lots of ways (and a lot depends on their age). But here’s a list of suggestions:

  • Don’t ever force your children to hug or kiss someone if they don’t want to, not even Grandma, not even YOU. This teaches them bodily autonomy and that not even loved ones are entitled to violate their boundaries.
  • Make comments or ask questions about media you consume together to get them to think critically about the ideas presented to them. This might mean saying “hmmm, I wonder why there are so few girls in this movie.” or asking “How do you think [character a] felt when [character b] wouldn’t take no for an answer?” This can be a hard step because you’ll need to train yourself to spot problematic content in the first place. And I’m not saying you can’t watch anything problematic (you might as well give up TV altogether). Just challenge your kids to think about what they see. i.e. If you’re watching Batman the Animated Series you could say “I really don’t like the way Joker treats Harley Quinn. Do you think she deserves that?”
  • Acquire (whether by purchasing or borrowing from a library) positive representation of women and relationships for your children including (and perhaps especially) your sons. The publishing and media industries only market girl-centric stories to female audiences which contributes to boys growing up learning that stories and the world revolve around them. They also tend to only push media that deals with interpersonal relations and emotions on girls, leaving boys with action and violence heavy stories. This can send the message that empathy and emotional labor is for girls.
  • Talk to them, especially older kids and teenagers, particularly when they reach dating age. Invite them to ask questions and talk about their opinions about abuse to get them engaged in the conversation rather than simply lecturing. Take advantage of a captive audience (riding in the car for example) and teach them little bits here and there on a regular basis.
  • Respect your children and allow them reasonable control over their own lives. I’m not saying you should let your kid decide, “nah, I hate shots. I’m skipping my vaccinations.” But you should definitely give them the power of choice as often as you can. Maybe that means letting them dropping soccer for theatre or picking between two options for dinner’s side veggie. The important thing is they are raised in an environment that doesn’t predispose them to accepting total control from someone else.
  • Model healthy relationship dynamics in your own romantic relationship if you have one. This is especially important for dads. Even if you’re not abusive, you may engage in behavior that is based on the same underlying attitudes and entitlement that fuels abuse because society has taught you that it’s all right. It’s on YOU and you alone to recognize and fix that. 
  • Set hard and fast rules in your home regarding respect of women. Don’t allow your kids, especially your sons, to use misogynist language (shut down anything that labels women as inherently crazy or inferior, don’t condone the use of words like bitch or cunt, etc.). And no matter how awkward you feel, make sure you talk to them about the unrealistic and misogynist aspects of most pornography (when age appropriate).
  • Learn and utilize appropriate parenting tools especially regarding punishment vs. consequence, assertive vs. authoritarian parenting, and similar issues to avoid falling into abusive parenting patterns. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Siblings Without Rivalry, Unconditional Parenting, and many other wonderful books will help you raise emotionally healthy kids with strong self esteem. Remember, there is no shame in seeking education to learn to how parent. It’s a skill like any other and nobody is born knowing how to do it right. But the old joke about wishing there was a parenting manual handed out when you have a baby? It’s only half true. There’s plenty of quality manuals (and unfortunately some shit ones too, so watch out). But you have to go get them yourself.
  • Insist the men and boys in your household participate equally in housework. To do otherwise reinforces the idea that men are entitled to have women take care of even their most basics needs (like a clean home or clean laundry or food to eat). Teaching your daughters to do an oil change and use a power drill is wonderful and great and you should do that too. But it’s arguably even more important to make sure you teach your sons not only how to clean, cook, manage a budget, do the grocery shopping, care for babies, etc. but that is expected of them just as much as it is of any woman.
  • Insist upon comprehensive sex ed programs that cover topics of consent, bodily autonomy, respect, and partner abuse. If your local schools don’t provide them, check for community offerings (the O.W.L. program offered at many Unitarian Churches is one such program and don’t worry, it’s secular). If there’s nothing available, take it into your own hands. Talk to your kids about this stuff and provide them appropriate books and resources on the topic.

Do your best. You won’t be perfect. No parent ever is. But if you try and if you never give up, you’ll more than likely succeed in raising kids that not only aren’t abusive, but that will not be drawn into an abusive relationship.

That said…

If you have teen or adult children you may very well face a situation in which they have either been abused, or accused of abusing someone else. What do you do then? Well, that first book I mentioned (Why Does He Do That?) lays out in detail exactly what family members should and shouldn’t do in these situations. But I’ll give you a quick and dirty summary:

If your child is facing abuse:

  • Believe them. And don’t blame them.
  • Don’t pressure them. Don’t pressure them to give their abuser another chance NOR should you pressure them to leave their abuser.
  • Listen to their needs and offer your support.
  • Give them the respect that their abuser won’t.
  • Get yourself support so that you can vent your sorrows and concerns to somebody else instead of burdening the abuse victim with comforting you.
  • When possible, and only if the victim agrees, offer practical support (such as paying for her to go to therapy, driving her to appointments, etc.).

If you child has been accused of abuse:

  • Believe the victim. Chances are they are telling the truth. When your child makes excuses for their behavior or tries to downplay it, press them on it for details and to describe what they think is their partner’s point of view on the matter. This will often reveal that they are exaggerating and/or lying and that they have not been honestly listening to or empathizing with their partner. Then make sure to talk to the victim and get her side of the story.
  • Do not make excuses for your child. Do not ask the victim to forgive them or give them another chance. Make it clear to your child that you will not participate in talk in which their victim is blamed or dehumanized or otherwise insulted.
  • Make it clear that you expect your child to get into a reputable abuser program (Lundy Bancroft describes what to look for to make sure it’s a good program in his book). Do not tell them to go to therapy or couple’s therapy. Only a program designed to address abuse will do any good and even then, only if the abuser chooses to do the long, hard work of changing. Conventional therapy can often make the situation even worse.

And in either case, avoid provoking the abuser. Chances are the abuser will take it out on their victim in private rather than risk damage to their reputation with you by lashing out at you.

  I know this is not the “genre” or whatever we may call it off my blog but I feel like as a person, I have a right to discuss certain things and you have a right to know. I also have to say, the way I’m going to my point may seem a little messy, but this just symbolizes the steps it took me to want to know. Humans consequently have a complex relationship with animals, and there’s a whole field of study that focuses on just this. I feel more inclined to talk about food concerning animals. Often many of us know that animals are not treated right, yet I feel like we do not know because we aren’t willing to see it! My window to learn this was when I instead learned about the actual impacts of dairy and meat on our bodies and how certain myths or what we’re taught in middle school in America isn’t true. What really made me dive in was when I read about how snails are treated through PETA for personal research I was doing on snail ingredients in cosmetics, which took a different route than planned. In turn, I went in a full circle in facing how animals are treated through a beauty influencer who was inspired to go Vegan and what truth she saw that made her face it. My point is not to tell you how to eat or what to do. My only goal is to nudge you in becoming more independent and not naive in the things you learn. Question everything, including me.

 Ignorance is a comfort, but knowledge is liberating.

 The sources I give not only exposes you to topics of health, healthy eating, dairy, meat, vegetables, fruits, but so much more. For instance, climate change and how much more affect the agriculture industry may have on it than us. Or just how much animals are abused. Or even settle myths we are tricked into believing, like how olive oil helps you lose weight and is better to cook with. Please don’t believe everything you see on social media, youtube, or from a friend. Even question statistics because if it’s singled out, you’re not looking at the full source and you don’t know the context. Or the numbers may be played with. On the other hand, it may even just be simply true. My purpose is, don’t have someone’s truth be your own. Find your own truth.


Sources you can use to learn about a variety of these topics

  • “Some we Love, Some we hate, Some we eat” by Hal Herzog (researched book) 
  • PETA (website/organization)
  • “Cowspiracy” on Netflix (documentary) 
  • “Food, inc.” on Netflix (documentary) 
  • “Eat to Live” by Joel Fuhrman (researched book) This isn’t really about the ethics or reality, but in many ways one can see it about the ethics of how we’re treating our own bodies and how many wrong things we’ve been taught that I was shocked yet humbled by. I highly recommend this even if you’re disinterested in becoming exposed to such a major issue because from what I feel and being over a hundred pages in, he isn’t looking at it from an animal cruelty point of view. 

  These are complex topics, but please feel free to add on sources for people to use and learn from (including me) or mere opinions. Opinions bring exposure, and this isn’t necessarily for just animals, it shows why we should care. As said I am not going to lecture you on what to believe and what I think, but my goal is to nudge you in finding your truth, not on just myths and theories. Or what you just heard. Find data, stats, research, information because that brings more value and security in your truth. Always look at the other side too, the “Skeptics” side because that drives you in seeing not everything is black and white, and that there are ways they can be wrong and even right. We don’t get anywhere when we make life a pure debate, and everything is you vs. me. This is why Rogerian argument is so important!


Back to my few months break- 

He came; to forget.
Drunk and desperate. And I didn’t have the strength to ignore the banging on my door. The banging on my heart that reminded me that this was the only way he would let me love him.
He came to forget and I always let him in.
Let him moan her name against my earlobe just to spite me. While I bit back the tears; careful to keep my mouth soft on his tongue. He only wanted to get a rise out of me but I was too busy falling for him. He wanted me to hate him but loving him was a habit much like breathing. I was his river Lethe. And he would drink in every inch of my skin until the painful memories of her faded. And I would let him fuck me over.
And over.
And we would ride the wave together but he is a ship and I am an anchor. And no matter how deep I sink; I can’t make him stay.
—  He left; but I still remember. // Ceres 25:Oct:2015

idrinkmale-tears  asked:

Hi! So I'm writing a character whose father has bpd and disruptive mood dysregulation disorder- the father has an explosive temper and is very controlling (he's not bad from his disorders, they just show the "type" of emotional abuse that would happen- not everyone with bpd and dmdd are horrible people) and I'm trying to figure out if someone could get ptsd from growing up with a father like that, and what symptoms would most likely be there from the constant splitting/ "eggshell" personality.

A quick note - disruptive mood dysregulation disorder can’t be diagnosed in people above the age of 18. Since this particular disorder is very new (only being defined as a disorder in 2013), the oldest that someone could be that has had a diagnosis of this disorder is 21. Still old enough to be a father, but it’s just something to keep in mind.

You are right in that people with BPD and DMDD are not always “horrible people.” But the (kinda) inverse of that is also true - not all horrible people are mentally ill. 

I was rereading Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?” (which I highly recommend, btw), and I came across this:

Some clinicians will stretch one of the [DSM] definitions to apply it to an abusive client –”intermittent explosive disorder,” for example – so that insurance will cover his therapy. However, this diagnosis is erroneous if it is made solely on the basis of his abusive behavior; a man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily or entirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, not a psychiatric patient.

So ask yourself - is your character’s father abusive / explosive / controlling in every area of his life, or just with his family?

I have a feeling you’re going to say “just with his family.” 

You don’t need mental illness for your character to be an abuser - neurotypical abusers are fucking everywhere. Mental illness is by far more likely to be caused by abuse than to cause someone to abuse others.

Don’t give someone a mental illness to “justify” abusive behavior. Even though you acknowledge in your ask that not all people with mental illness are horrible people, your audience will not be able to see that in your writing. 

But yes, absolutely. PTSD can, and often is, caused by growing up with abusive parents. I’ll be doing a gigantic masterpost on the effects of abuse once my classes start up again (I’m taking one on the effects of abuse).


Speaking of classes, my textbooks for this semester have wiped out my savings. I’m not going to be able to do as much research for these asks as I would like to without your help, Shrinky-dinks. Please support me on Patreon.

Hurt Culture

I’m a cis bisexual women who reads and writes fanfic.  I’m not a strong shipper but I read some ships.  I like some ships and don’t like others.  If you know me, it’s not hard to figure out my preferences.  I’m married to a straight cis man.  I’m a serial monogamist.  My fanfic preference is m/m which is weird because in life I lean slightly lesbian. (Maybe because I’m married to a man so I tend to notice what I don’t have?  It’s easy for bisexuals to end up in a heterosexual relationship because unless we really look for same sex partners, the statistical likelihood of finding one is much lower than finding an opposite sex partner.  There are a lot more straight people than there are gay or bisexual people in the population at large, you know?)  (For the record, my marriage is happy, my husband and son both know I’m bi.)

I’ve had sex with men and I’ve had sex with women so why do I read fanfic about two men having sex with each other since it’s the one sexual relationship I am never going to have?  Why am I so interested in a show about two brothers and an angel?

In my case I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with the way culture excludes women from agency.  In stories, women are support figures.  We are the love interest.  We’re fridged to motivate male characters.  To be ‘powerful’ or ‘interesting’ we have to fight like male superheros because apparently the way we live our lives and the things we find interesting aren’t powerful or interesting.  43% of speaking roles in television were women.  30% of those roles included ‘sexy attire’.  7% of men’s roles involved ‘sexy attire’.  20% of the characters in the background (walking down the hall, sitting at desks, paramedics, etc) were women.  

I fantasize about stories happening to me.  But I don’t see that much on television.  I also don’t identify with most of the men on television because I don’t share their experiences.  But I do share the experience of feeling excluded.  Of feeling like the people who are having the real experiences (mostly straight men) are not me.  I could cite studies on the ways in which women are perceived as talking too much even though men talk more than women.  I could cite studies on all sorts of male/female behavior in school and in the work place.  Lets just say that there is good evidence that my sense of being excluded is not paranoia and that that sense only increases if someone is a person of color, disabled, or queer.

As Sam says, “A motel is not actually part of the town that it’s in. It’s not part of anywhere.”  A lot of us are living in a motel.  Weirdly enough we are watching television about two white guys who the show claims are straight (and many of us are writing a narrative that says they are queer.)

Keep reading

The issue is not that there are no narcissistic abusers, it’s that the “narcisstic abuse” folks have perpetuate the idea that npd= inherently abusive.
This myth has gotten so bad that people have been denied npd diagnoses because their therapist thinks they’re “not abusive enough”
This myth needs to be addressed and narcissists be treated like the mentally ill people that they are who need help and support and not abusive monsters and “love thieves” (something I’ve actually seen written by narc abuse people)

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