abuser myths

“Tough love” is nothing more than a myth abusers perpetuate to justify their abuse and confuse you on what love really is. Analyze the name. Tough. Love. It’s an oxymoron. Love is one of the things that makes us human. It promotes compassion, empathy, gentleness, and brings a myriad of health benefits. Tough love, therefore, isn’t possible. The actions that are typically branded as “tough love” (hitting, restricting freedom, etc.) are usually just abusive. 

Tough love is a lie. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  

abuse victims attracting abusers is a myth, abusers target victims, and it’s 100% abusers fault no matter who they abuse. you are not responsible for “making sure you don’t act in a way that could make someone want to abuse you” or for “making sure you don’t attract abusive people”, it’s on them to not fucking target and take advantage of the first person who has trouble standing up to them and saying no, who is scared of confrontation, who was groomed into pleasing and putting others first, who is still trying to find themselves and put themselves together, who doesn’t know how to demand and ask other than to offer all of their affection and support while asking nothing in return and being happy with whatever they get. these people just need proper family! someone who would protect them and allow them to build boundaries and learn they never need to offer more than they get and that they’re safe and valued and wanted and accepted just the way they are, taking advantage of someone so fragile and scared and wounded and hurting them even more in order to gain power and satisfaction is cruel and vile and abusers should go to hell for it, and whoever thought that victims should take responsibility for “attracting abusers” can also go to hell, blame fucking abusers, shame abusers for taking advantage, let them know they need to pay for what they’ve done and change their ways if they wish to keep existing, leave victims in peace

buzzfeed.com
Why Do We Let “Genius” Directors Get Away With Abusive Behavior?
For decades, the celebrated male film directors who “provoke” and abuse actors, supposedly in service of their art, have been given the benefit of the doubt over the women who suffer on their film set
By Imran Siddiquee

The myth of the “master”/”genius” is a cover for all manner of sins

When an abused woman refuses to “look at her part” in the abuse, she has actually taken a powerful step out of self-blame and toward emotional recovery. She doesn’t have any responsibility for his actions. Anyone who tries to get her to share responsibility is adopting the abuser’s perspective. (Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That)

“It takes two to tango” does NOT apply to abuse. Victims have no responsibility for abusers’ actions and anybody who says otherwise is aiding abusers.

Again for people in the back:

Victims have no responsibility for abusers’ actions and anybody who says otherwise is aiding abusers.

One more time:

Victims have no responsibility for abusers’ actions and anybody who says otherwise is aiding abusers.

Sportacus gets a boyfriend who’s an abusive assehole and gaslights Sporto so he thinks it’s normal and okay and he’s imagining things and just overreacting. Robbie sees this and gets extremely angry because (he loves the daft elf) HE’S the villain and he won’t let some two bit ass come in and take his hero.

Robbie tries to get Sporto to leave the ass but no he thinks he’s in love and the guy takes care of him and he needs him. Fake gag.

Robbie needs to kick this ass out of town before he completely destroys his (friend) advocacy. (With maybe Glanni’s help… and his strong boyfriend… [aka (unknowing to Robbo) Sportos big bro] muscle is an advantage yes.)

(Sportacus did like Robbie but thought he wasn’t an option. Robbie is respectful and doesn’t peruse him and waits until Sporto is ready before beginning anything.)

SAY IT WITH ME, KIDS

Keeping fish and reptiles in small tanks will not keep them small

Keeping fish and reptiles in small tanks will not keep them small

Keeping fish and reptiles in small tanks will not keep them small

Keeping fish and reptiles in small tanks will not keep them small!!!!!!

Gang, I’d like to talk about Hephaestus and Aglaia.

Hephaestus and Aphrodite get so much attention – the allure of opposites attracting, I guess. And maybe there’s some fantasy wish-fulfillment there, because who wouldn’t want to be married to Aphrodite?

You know who? Hephaestus.

That was an arranged marriage, ordered by Zeus.

But Hephaestus had a second marriage, after he divorced Aphrodite. He married Aglaia, the youngest of the three Charities, and the Goddess of Adornment and Beauty – and he stayed married to her. And she works with him in his workshop, and they have several daughters together.

And it makes so much sense. Of course the God of Clever Technology is married to the Goddess of Pretty. And of course they work hand-in-hand in the workshop, and make things together. When you pick up your smart phone, and it fits perfectly in your hand, and the touchscreen has colorful icons that look pleasing together, that’s the work of Hephaestus and Aglaia.

Here’s the full story (or one version of the full story, at any rate):

Hephaestus wanted to get back at his mother, Hera, for throwing him off Olympus, so he made an extravagant throne for her, and had it sent up to her. And once she sat down in it, she was trapped, and couldn’t move.

Zeus promised the hand of Aphrodite  to anyone who could free her.  But only Hephaestus knew the secret of how the throne worked. And he had no interest in going back to Olympus.  Finally, Zeus sent Dionysus down to Lemnos, where Hephaestus had his forge, and it was only after getting the god thoroughly drunk that he was able get Hephaestus to come back with him.

And even then, Hephaestus only agreed to freeing his ‘mother’ after she admitted in front of all those witnesses how badly she had wounded him when she threw him off Olympus.

And after that, Zeus granted him Aphrodite as his wife.

But she was almost immediately unfaithful to him (no reason she should be, anyway, since she didn’t have any say in the marriage to begin with), and had sex with her own brother, Ares.

Hephaestus, hearing about the affair, made a super fine, invisible, net and bound them to the bed in the middle of the act. Then he showed the other gods how Aphrodite was unfaithful to him. But instead of sympathizing, the other gods basically said:

“Woo-Hoo! Way to go, Ares!”

And laughed at Hephaestus even more.

So he said (basically): “Fine! Screw you lot!” and went back to his workshop, and married Aglaia.


So I propose we take up Hephaestus not only as patron of inventors and craftsmen, and not only as patron of disability-born creative thinking, but also as patron of all survivors of abuse, who don’t give in to pressure to forgive their abusers “because they’re family!” (uwu), and instead go on to find and build a family of choice.

abusive parents get jealous of their children

abusive parents compete with their children

abusive parents like to rub in children’s face how much they’re better than the children

abusive parents do not have in their interests to teach, encourage, help or raise a child, they want to break it and defeat it

abusive parents thrive on feeling more powerful than their children

abusive parents are like school bullies who’ve been given unlimited power to do whatever they want to their victims

abusive parents think it’s their time to take it all out on someone who can’t fight back

abusive parents do not have their child’s best interests in mind, not even good interests

abusive parents couldn’t care less if their child is suffering, if there will be long term consequences of pain they’re causing to it

abusive parents only care about never being called out or blamed for anything they did, they never want to feel guilty for even a second

abusive parents will attack anyone who dares to call them out

abusive parents will blame anyone but themselves.

i. aphrodite spends her nights on street corners, red lips wrapped around the neck
of a vodka bottle,
lipstick stains on empty glass because this is the only way she’ll survive when unfamiliar
hands feel too much like bullet wounds.

ii. hera stores binoculars in the glove department of her bmw, hours spent
in the car watching helplessly
as her husband holds three other women,
only to come home and say, “i love you, baby.”
her eyes sting, from holding back the tears.

iii. persephone has therapy three times a week,
he broke her, but she is learning
to put the pieces back together.
sometimes her mouth still tastes like him
like pomegranates
it doesn’t bother her as much, anymore.

—  when mt. olympus falls, or a modern goddess // m.m.c.
The Myth of Neutrality

It is not possible to be truly balanced in one’s views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple’s problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn’t abuse. (Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That) (emphasis mine)

Again:

“Neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral.

In “Why Does He Do That…” author Lundy Bancroft discusses a myth about abusers-that they were most likely abused themselves.  As he points out abuse survivors are more likely to identify with other victims. That said, he sited a study done with male pedophiles.  When pedophiles were initially interviewed upwards of 70% claimed to have been sexually abused as children.  When they were then attached to a polygraph that number fell down to the low mid thirties.  Men claim histories of abuse for leniency.  It’s a well known get out of jail free card for both criminal and personal transgressions.  Because of this tendency, when we hear men claim to be abuse survivors, we must consider motive. If they are actively seeking redirect a conversation regarding their own behavior by claiming to be an abuse survivor a certain amount of skepticism is warranted.  Not to say male victims should all be greeted with disbelief, that should not be given support.  It does mean that members of their sex have so abused the concept of male abuse survivors that the level of skepticism that is met by female victims may actually be appropriate when confronted by a certain type of male disclosure.  


Many of us have heard that rapes among the male population of inmates in jail/prison are legion.  I have no doubt this is the case.  However, given this study, I have to wonder how many inmates lie about molestation to increase their chances of early release and parole. 


I have no doubt many men’s rights activists would have no compunction about creating a false narrative of abuse in their constant attempt to undermine women talking about the worldwide pandemic levels of violence women suffer at the hands of males.


While I readily admit the sample in the pedophillia study is not representative of males as a whole it is striking that within that population of 70%of interviewees 40% of them retracted stories of childhood abuse.  The most any creditable study done of false female rape reports is less than 6%.

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Drabble Raffle: D+18 - “A strategy fit for a King”

01 Year Anniversary + Birthday Celebration | Masterpost

D → Choi Youngjae (GOT7) 18 → “Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?”*

Originally posted by ithadtobeyouforever

Tags: NSFW / + 18 / smut / a bit of angst / overstimulation / twisted and dysfunctional relationships / multiple partners / bdsm: suggestion of punishments, bondage and spanking / mentions of abuse (myth of the greek horse arion and his conception by rape) / gray characters / reader’s pov (woman) x idol / prince au / tutor au / GOT7 royalty au
Featuring: First Part: Im Jaebum. Second Part: Choi Youngjae and Park Jinyoung (GOT7)
Writer: CL. Edited by: Admin Lily @kpoppantydrop
Word count: First Part:1k words. Second Part: 1,3k words. Total: 2,3k words
Comment: I don’t remember who requested this, but here it goes anyway. *The sentence starter was changed a bit, but the meaning is the same. This story, like the previous one, also has a dark undertone. GOT7 royalty au drabbles: 01, 02, 03, 04

ATTENTION, PLEASE READ: This is a fictional story. Any similarities to real people are unintentional. This story contains mature themes. By reading this story you agree that you are 18 years or older. The author does not authorize the reproduction, reposting, editing or any alteration of this material, fully or partially. The GIF is not mine, credit above.

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Look at white feminist logic. It takes a special kind of ahistorical delusion to consider your years of deliberate and calculated willful oppression as benevolence. Also peep how they view colorblind erasure as a SOLUTION. These types are so incredibly dangerous.

Dear Parents

Hi. How ya doing? Being a parent is weird and hard and rewarding, right? That’s been my experience anyhow. Most of us are trying to do the best we can. There’s a lot expected of us. There’s a lot of pressure in raising a tiny human without fucking up. And I hate to add to your growing list of duties and concerns and necessary steps in raising a happy, healthy person but there’s something really important you need to do.

Teach your children what abuse looks like.

Now, the hardest part about doing that is actually going to be learning yourself what abuse looks like.

“I know what abuse is!” you say.

Sorry. You probably don’t. Statistically speaking, I’m more likely addressing somebody on the other side of the screen that hasn’t been properly educated on the realities of abuse. We’re fed a lot of myths about abuse. You don’t have to be ashamed because society failed to teach you right. It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to correct that error now.

I would suggest you sit down with a copy of Why Does He Do That? (my favorite book so far on the topic written by one of the world’s foremost experts). I know, I know. You’re busy. You’re stretched thin. You probably already lack time to read for pleasure as much as you did before you have kids and now some rando on the internet is assigning you fucking homework? But trust me, it’s worth it.

After that, teach your kids. Teach them what abuse looks like. Teach your sons especially what constitutes abuse and that there is no excuse to justify it and that they alone are responsible for their actions.

How?

There’s lots of ways (and a lot depends on their age). But here’s a list of suggestions:

  • Don’t ever force your children to hug or kiss someone if they don’t want to, not even Grandma, not even YOU. This teaches them bodily autonomy and that not even loved ones are entitled to violate their boundaries.
  • Make comments or ask questions about media you consume together to get them to think critically about the ideas presented to them. This might mean saying “hmmm, I wonder why there are so few girls in this movie.” or asking “How do you think [character a] felt when [character b] wouldn’t take no for an answer?” This can be a hard step because you’ll need to train yourself to spot problematic content in the first place. And I’m not saying you can’t watch anything problematic (you might as well give up TV altogether). Just challenge your kids to think about what they see. i.e. If you’re watching Batman the Animated Series you could say “I really don’t like the way Joker treats Harley Quinn. Do you think she deserves that?”
  • Acquire (whether by purchasing or borrowing from a library) positive representation of women and relationships for your children including (and perhaps especially) your sons. The publishing and media industries only market girl-centric stories to female audiences which contributes to boys growing up learning that stories and the world revolve around them. They also tend to only push media that deals with interpersonal relations and emotions on girls, leaving boys with action and violence heavy stories. This can send the message that empathy and emotional labor is for girls.
  • Talk to them, especially older kids and teenagers, particularly when they reach dating age. Invite them to ask questions and talk about their opinions about abuse to get them engaged in the conversation rather than simply lecturing. Take advantage of a captive audience (riding in the car for example) and teach them little bits here and there on a regular basis.
  • Respect your children and allow them reasonable control over their own lives. I’m not saying you should let your kid decide, “nah, I hate shots. I’m skipping my vaccinations.” But you should definitely give them the power of choice as often as you can. Maybe that means letting them dropping soccer for theatre or picking between two options for dinner’s side veggie. The important thing is they are raised in an environment that doesn’t predispose them to accepting total control from someone else.
  • Model healthy relationship dynamics in your own romantic relationship if you have one. This is especially important for dads. Even if you’re not abusive, you may engage in behavior that is based on the same underlying attitudes and entitlement that fuels abuse because society has taught you that it’s all right. It’s on YOU and you alone to recognize and fix that. 
  • Set hard and fast rules in your home regarding respect of women. Don’t allow your kids, especially your sons, to use misogynist language (shut down anything that labels women as inherently crazy or inferior, don’t condone the use of words like bitch or cunt, etc.). And no matter how awkward you feel, make sure you talk to them about the unrealistic and misogynist aspects of most pornography (when age appropriate).
  • Learn and utilize appropriate parenting tools especially regarding punishment vs. consequence, assertive vs. authoritarian parenting, and similar issues to avoid falling into abusive parenting patterns. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Siblings Without Rivalry, Unconditional Parenting, and many other wonderful books will help you raise emotionally healthy kids with strong self esteem. Remember, there is no shame in seeking education to learn to how parent. It’s a skill like any other and nobody is born knowing how to do it right. But the old joke about wishing there was a parenting manual handed out when you have a baby? It’s only half true. There’s plenty of quality manuals (and unfortunately some shit ones too, so watch out). But you have to go get them yourself.
  • Insist the men and boys in your household participate equally in housework. To do otherwise reinforces the idea that men are entitled to have women take care of even their most basics needs (like a clean home or clean laundry or food to eat). Teaching your daughters to do an oil change and use a power drill is wonderful and great and you should do that too. But it’s arguably even more important to make sure you teach your sons not only how to clean, cook, manage a budget, do the grocery shopping, care for babies, etc. but that is expected of them just as much as it is of any woman.
  • Insist upon comprehensive sex ed programs that cover topics of consent, bodily autonomy, respect, and partner abuse. If your local schools don’t provide them, check for community offerings (the O.W.L. program offered at many Unitarian Churches is one such program and don’t worry, it’s secular). If there’s nothing available, take it into your own hands. Talk to your kids about this stuff and provide them appropriate books and resources on the topic.

Do your best. You won’t be perfect. No parent ever is. But if you try and if you never give up, you’ll more than likely succeed in raising kids that not only aren’t abusive, but that will not be drawn into an abusive relationship.

That said…

If you have teen or adult children you may very well face a situation in which they have either been abused, or accused of abusing someone else. What do you do then? Well, that first book I mentioned (Why Does He Do That?) lays out in detail exactly what family members should and shouldn’t do in these situations. But I’ll give you a quick and dirty summary:

If your child is facing abuse:

  • Believe them. And don’t blame them.
  • Don’t pressure them. Don’t pressure them to give their abuser another chance NOR should you pressure them to leave their abuser.
  • Listen to their needs and offer your support.
  • Give them the respect that their abuser won’t.
  • Get yourself support so that you can vent your sorrows and concerns to somebody else instead of burdening the abuse victim with comforting you.
  • When possible, and only if the victim agrees, offer practical support (such as paying for her to go to therapy, driving her to appointments, etc.).

If you child has been accused of abuse:

  • Believe the victim. Chances are they are telling the truth. When your child makes excuses for their behavior or tries to downplay it, press them on it for details and to describe what they think is their partner’s point of view on the matter. This will often reveal that they are exaggerating and/or lying and that they have not been honestly listening to or empathizing with their partner. Then make sure to talk to the victim and get her side of the story.
  • Do not make excuses for your child. Do not ask the victim to forgive them or give them another chance. Make it clear to your child that you will not participate in talk in which their victim is blamed or dehumanized or otherwise insulted.
  • Make it clear that you expect your child to get into a reputable abuser program (Lundy Bancroft describes what to look for to make sure it’s a good program in his book). Do not tell them to go to therapy or couple’s therapy. Only a program designed to address abuse will do any good and even then, only if the abuser chooses to do the long, hard work of changing. Conventional therapy can often make the situation even worse.

And in either case, avoid provoking the abuser. Chances are the abuser will take it out on their victim in private rather than risk damage to their reputation with you by lashing out at you.

He came; to forget.
Drunk and desperate. And I didn’t have the strength to ignore the banging on my door. The banging on my heart that reminded me that this was the only way he would let me love him.
He came to forget and I always let him in.
Let him moan her name against my earlobe just to spite me. While I bit back the tears; careful to keep my mouth soft on his tongue. He only wanted to get a rise out of me but I was too busy falling for him. He wanted me to hate him but loving him was a habit much like breathing. I was his river Lethe. And he would drink in every inch of my skin until the painful memories of her faded. And I would let him fuck me over.
And over.
And we would ride the wave together but he is a ship and I am an anchor. And no matter how deep I sink; I can’t make him stay.
—  He left; but I still remember. // Ceres 25:Oct:2015