me a famous actor: you shouldnt use fishbowls. theyre one of the most disgusting abusive bits of “pet care” existing today. pet stores lie to you and sell you a product that WILL cause your fish to poison itself in its own waste so they can guarantee another sale. dont fall for it anymore. buy a tank with a filter and a heater if youre keeping tropical fish, and remember, goldfish should be able to live 20 years in a proper tank. interviewer: uh ok thanks but i was asking you about your new movie?
Animal care should not be stagnant. It should always be evolving and improving.
This applies to breeders, hobbyists, “casual” owners, everyone. It also applies to anyone who keeps animals for profit. If animals are raised to be eaten, they should still have the most up-to date care available.
If you find something that works, great! Use it, recommend it, whatever. But keep doing research. Keep learning and trying to improve. There are very few things that were done 50 years ago, even 20 years ago that have not changed or been improved upon since then.
If a breeder, store, rescue, etc. tells you that they’ve been doing something a certain way for more than a decade, start questioning.
Signs that people are ignorant and neglective pet owners
• when you tell them they’re doing something wrong in a polite manner, their first response is to tell you to “fuck off” or “shut up”
• when you offer them resources or information that could help them, they tell you that they “know how to take care of their pet” and that they’re taking care of their pet “their way”
• they believe that any person that views the way they house their pet as less than ideal is unnecessarily targeting and attacking them
• when they start to wonder why their pet is ill and lethargic and a person tells them it’s because they’re living in an unhealthy environment, they ignore the other person’s (or people’s) facts and information, try to excuse the problems with the way their pet is living with stuff like “i don’t have enough room” or “i don’t have the time to do all that”, and try to solve the problem through methods that do not work unless the pet is in an environment where it is able to recover and heal
• their pet(s)’s health and environment are viewed as things that would inconvenience their lives if they were to improve for the better. i.e. them upgrading from a vase to an actual aquarium would take up to much room and make too much noise
• they see people who maintain their pet(s)’s happiness and health through keeping them in the proper environment as “extra” ✨
• they call neglecting their pet their own “style of pet-keeping”
feel free to reblog and add some signs you’ve seen before
God I’m really tired of hearing “but I can’t afford to give my pet x setup [that is the bare minimum for them to have a happy and long life]” as an excuse for why people put their pets in abusive and constricting homes.
Can’t afford to get your pet and buy/maintain a healthy habitat for it? Don’t fucking get that pet then. Don’t force it to have an unhealthy life because of your selfishness.
Okay, guys. The vegan pet food post got something like 2.5k notes after the puppy bowl promoted a dog that was fed a homemade and seriously unbalanced vegan diet. I love it, good on y’all for spreading education. However, there was also a huge upswing in the notes of people calling vegans animal abusers for wanting to feed their pets a vegan diet. I cannot stress enough that you need to stop that. I literally just published an essay on how the overuse of the term abuse only pushes people away from being educated because it makes them react viscerally first and think later. So when you share a good, solid, educational link and follow it up with commentary condemning folk before they’ve even had a chance to read it and maybe learn things they were unaware of… you’re shooting yourself and your activism right in the foot.
Most people who feed their pets vegan diets are not doing it because they want to make their animals die of malnutrition. They’re not doing it because they hate their pets or have no regard for their welfare. That is exactly the opposite of why they’re choosing that diet for their pet. The majority of vegans choose that lifestyle for ethical or environmental reasons: to them, it is a moral choice. We all project our morality onto the animals we care for to some degree - it’s why it is so distressing to learn your dog is aggressive or reactive or anything society codifies as “bad.” We are good people, and we love our pets, so how can they be bad if we are able to love them? Everyone does this to some degree, and often folk for whom vegan ideals are strongly moral ones feel like it’s important that the actions of the animals they love also line up with what they view as being good. In the case of vegan pet food, they’re just simply mistaken about the true effects of such a diet and not animal abusers.
The fastest way to alienate someone who thinks they are doing something good is to accuse them of being bad. Their actions align with their moral compass, so obviously they can’t be doing something immoral, so you are automatically wrong and your ability to influence their actions is immediately destroyed. When people are genuinely ignorant of the effects of their actions, kind words and genuinely well-intentioned education go so much farther than abuse allegations. That is the case here, so please stop accusing folk of abuse. They love their pets as much as you do and are often horrified to learn what they’ve been accidentally perpetuating. It’s not easy to learn you’ve done something hurtful to loved ones, so be kind and support them - you’ll help a lot more animals that way.
(In a beautiful example of demonstrative irony, this post is an example of me trying to educate you on why you are doing a well-intentioned thing that is bad and that you need to stop. But in approaching it, I’m not condemning you for doing something you thought would help - I’m (attempting) to communicate that I understand your intentions but that you’re missing some information that undermines your success at your goal, and then trying to provide you some more information to help you achieve it. If I just said “jeez guys, calling vegans animal abusers is a massive fuck-up” you’d be pretty disinclined to listen to what I had to say…)
If someone corrects a mistake that you are making in your tanks and aquariums such as substrate, plant life, diet, tank size, etc. and you REFUSE to do your research and change it so your animal(s) are no longer harmed…you do NOT love your pets. They are not trophies. Stop putting your aesthetics on such a pedestal and take care of your animals.
Why do so many anti-kink people insist on putting themselves in someone else’s life?
“You’re sexualizing my abuse.”
“I was abused and your relationship sexualizes what I went through.”
“I was raped and your fantasy sexualizes my traumatic experience.”
It is fine for you to not like something or want to blacklist it, or not participate in it. However, someone else’s relationship or interests has nothing to do with you unless you are directly involved.
Please stop using your abuse to guilt trip someone else into changing what they ship or their relationship because you have no idea what they have been through and they don’t owe you any bit of their life to try to justify something to your.
Someone have a BDSM / DDLG kink and you aren’t into it because of your own abuse? That’s fine. However, they aren’t sexualizing your abuse because your experiences are not in any way, shape, form, or fashion related to them. Unless they are fantasizing about you specifically being abused, then what they do with each other has absolutely nothing to do with you, and it isn’t your place to try to tell them what they are / are not doing, especially when you don’t know anything about the traumatic experiences they could have gone through.
Go to therapy, or do whatever you need to do to heal, however, stop shoving yourself into someone else’s relationship, especially when the bullshit that you say isn’t even related to their relationship beyond what you think is going on, and is your own bias, and not even near what happens in their relationship. ‘Cause unless you are watching from the window, I’m 98% sure you have no idea what is going on in their relationship.
The rabbit is a representation of fertility and rebirth. Every year baby
bunnies are bought on impulse as gifts for children.
Many of the bunnies adopted as Easter pets
will never live to see their first birthday.
Some die from neglect or improper care, others are dropped off at animal
shelters, while still others are simply abandoned. Almost 80 percent of
bunnies that are up for adoption at shelters were once purchased as Easter
When shelters cannot adopt out all these animals into loving
homes or a rescue facility, many are euthanized.
A common misperception is that rabbits are good pets for children. But many
rabbits do not enjoy being held and will kick and claw when picked up. Rabbits
are delicate creatures and struggling to get out of the grasp of a child (or
adult) can leave them with broken bones or other injuries.
Rabbits are timid creatures. Loud noises or children running around can
Adopting a rabbit is a big commitment. Rabbits have a life span of over
ten years. If you adopt a baby bunny for your ten-year-old, be prepared to care
for the rabbit when your child leaves home.. Many shelters have older rabbits
that would love a caring forever home.
Rabbits are high maintenance. Children may lose interest in a rabbit
when the novelty has worn off or find it burdensome to care for him or her.
Rabbits should be seen more as a family pet, with the parent(s) being
the rabbit’s primary carer.
THIS WEBSITE IS AN EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD GUIDE TO
EVERYTHING IT TAKES TO KEEP A HAPPY, HEALTHY RABBIT AS A PET - FROM HOUSE RABBIT SOCIETY:
With thanks to The Telegraph, Audubon, One Green Planet, The American Bible Society, Wikipedia, Mother Nature Network, The House Rabbit Society, Woodstock Sanctuary, Occupy for Animals & The American Humane Society.
Y'know… I know people are well meaning, but there is such an all-or-nothing dogmatism that is present in the Tumblr pet community that’s really hard to stomach. It reminds me of religious fundamentalists – you have a lofty ideal that in reality, few people can attain, but we’re going to condemn you for not reaching this holy ideal.
It would be nice if I had a situation where I could give my birds all of the things that are good for birds, but I can’t, so I give them the best I can. They have food, shelter, enrichment, companionship, and love. Even though they don’t have the freedom to fly that they would in the wild, they are also free from the fear of predation, most diseases, starvation, inclement weather, and so on. They are living a good life.
Heck, I can’t even give my own kids things that people who have more money than me say that they should have, like tutors, travel, culture exposure, etc. But I give them what I can in my means, which is a lot like what my birds get.
Yes, there are people who are truly neglecting and abusing their pets, but accusing people who love their pets and are taking care of them within their situation and means is not, imo, neglect or abuse. Accusing people you don’t know of being lazy, neglectful, or abusive because their standard of pet care is not as ‘perfect’ as your high ideal is shitty.
I need all your photos and evidence of products labelled “perfect for [x]” species when it very clearly is not. Examples:
A. A product that claims to be a “complete” hermit crab enclosure. It is not large enough, contains no substrate, does not have water conditioner, nor does it have salt mix. It is NOT a complete habitat.
B. A product that claims to be “ideal for bettas.” This product is NOT because A. Its too small and B. The filter is too strong for such a small tank. (Additionally, it has a purposefully deceptive photo of a gourami in the tank - I would NEVER keep a dwarf gourami in a tank that small)
I need more images and examples of blatantly wrong and misleading advertisements on pet care labels.
Why? Because I’m gonna sue the absolute shit out of them. And anyone who helps my cause will A. Help it further along, causing pet supply stores to be honest with their claims and B. Likely get a slice of the settlement. Now, I’ll be honest, an ideal settlement would be twice what the companies make off these products in one year donated to the ASPCA and other animal-welfare organizations - I’m genuinely not looking to get a cent. But the possibility of getting reparations remains.
So I need your photos. I need your peer-reviewed studies. I need your stories of animals suffering and dying in these environments, and your stories of your animals thriving in others.
My goal is to cause the FDA to test every claim like this - making it that much more difficult for companies to swindle people into abusing their pets for the company’s profit.
I am writing this post to
deal with the misconceptions about what constitutes sibling abuse in the ACOTAR
fandom. When replying to this post, it is very important to keep the discussion
polite and respectful. Please also consider that the trivializing and belittling
of this subject can have a negative impact on survivors of this abuse who are
reading your comments. I would also request that we leave other characters out
of these discussions, especially if they have no bearing on the topic. When
using information from one of my sources, I will use a number that I assigned
to that source. A separate post with information from different articles will
be posted and tagged “sibling abuse sources”, and labeled by the same numbers. I
will also be using direct quotes from ACOTAR. I am writing this post in between
different school and regular work, so I did not have time to detail the
parental abuse (mostly in the form of neglect) also found in ACOTAR. I will
only touch on it and its tie to the sibling abuse. If needed, I will do a post
on other familial abuse later. I am a survivor of familial abuse – both
parental and sibling. Unlike Feyre, the abuse I suffered was physical as well.
When reading this post remember that I have a lot of experience with this
topic, and that others who read it and your comments may too.
Family violence is awful in all its forms, but is usually
depicted inaccurately with men as just perpetrators and women solely as victims
of abusive family acts. This study’s findings indicate that there are no gender
differences related to surviving sibling abuse or perpetrating emotional and
physical abuse among siblings (3). There are three factors
to consider when defining sibling abuse - perception, intent, and severity. Perception
refers to how each sibling sees the interaction. If one sibling involved in the
sibling relationship views the behavior as abusive, there is a dynamic beyond normal
sibling rivalry (3). Intent refers to what a sibling hoped to accomplish
through an action or behavior. When sibling abuse is present, the intent of the
perpetrating sibling is primarily to cause harm. Severity is related to the
duration and intensity of the sibling behavior. As severity increases there is
greater chance that the sibling relationship is abusive. Perception, intent,
and severity exist within three primary categories of sibling abuse: psychological,
physical, and sexual (3). Psychological abuse is typically not recognized by
parents and is often dismissed as normal sibling rivalry. This type of abuse
includes belittling, intimidation, provocation, destroying possessions, and
torturing/killing pets. Psychological abuse is different from
“normal” behavior based on consistency and intensity. Examples would include
words and actions expressing degradation and contempt that have an impact on
the sense of well-being (insecurity and self-esteem) of a sibling, such as
daily harassing statements like, “No one in this family cares about you and we
would all be happier if you were dead” (3).
The most prominent perpetrator of sibling abuse in ACOTAR
is Nesta. There are numerous words and actions found in the beginning of ACOTAR
that support this statement. One of the most prominent instances, was this
exchange between the sisters, “What do you know?” Nesta breathed. “You’re just
a half-wild beast with the nerve to bark orders at all hours of the day and
night. Keep it up, and someday—someday, Feyre, you’ll have no one left to
remember you, or to care that you ever existed.” She stormed off, Elain darting
after her, cooing her sympathy. They slammed the door to the bedroom hard
enough to rattle the dishes. I’d heard the words before—and knew she only
repeated them because I’d flinched that first time she spat them. They still
burned anyway.” The last insult she told Feyre is almost identical to the
example given by Source 3, “No one in this family cares about you and we would all
be happier if you were dead”. The text shows that Nesta had said similar
hurtful statements before, and said them knowing that they emotionally hurt
Feyre. By analyzing this exchange with the three aspects of sibling abuse in
mind, this exchange is clearly psychologically abusive. Feyre clearly perceives
this as a verbal/emotional attack, and the words Nesta use greatly wounds Feyre
emotionally. Nesta’s intent in this situation is also clear – she is seeking to
hurt Feyre. Nesta is looking to wound Feyre for her disapproving of Nesta’s
possible marriage proposal. Nesta uses this specific phrase because she has
used it in the past and knew it had hurt Feyre’s feelings. The last aspect of
sibling abuse, severity, is also evidenced by this exchange. Nesta has used
almost those exact words to hurt Feyre before, and she actively looks for ways
to wound Feyre emotionally, as evidenced by more quotes found from the book.
More exchanges that reek of abuse found in ACOTAR
include, “… so you can have enough time to paint your glorious masterpieces.”
She sneered at the pillar of foxglove I’d painted along the edge of the table…”
In this quote from Nesta, she is knowingly and purposefully mocking the only
activity Feyre enjoys – painting. Her sneering at Feyre’s work also highlights
just how sarcastic Nesta’s words are when she called Feyre’s painting
masterpieces. Sarcasm on its own is not abuse, but when paired with Nesta’s
actions (like trying to hurt Feyre’s self-esteem and pride of her artwork)
shows that Nesta has the intent to emotionally wound Feyre. And Nesta succeeds
in her attempt to belittle Feyre’s art, “I drowned the urge to cover up the
painting with my hand. Maybe tomorrow I’d just scrape it off the table
altogether.” Nesta’s next psychological abuse tactic is to humiliate Feyre in
front of their father and other sister by exposing Feyre’s sexual activity and
trying to use it to shame her. “She added with a small smile, “At least I don’t
have to resort to rutting in the hay with Isaac Hale like an animal.” My father
let out an embarrassed cough, looking to his cot by the fire. He’d never said a
word against Nesta, from either fear or guilt, and apparently, he wasn’t going
to start now, even if this was the first he was hearing of Isaac.” The role
their father plays in allowing and propagating the abuse will be discussed
later, but is seen in this quote. It is also interesting his potential “fear”
of Nesta. This is an example of an abuser humiliating their victim to elicit
shame in the target of their attacks. As will be discussed later, lowering a
victim’s self-worth and increasing their shame is a tactic to gain power over
them. Sex shaming an individual on its own, while hurtful, is not only abusive.
But when the other factors of the situation are considered, it adds to the
narrative of daily abuse Nesta bestows on Feyre. When analyzing this situation
with the three sibling abuse factors, perception, intent, and severity, it is
easy to see that Nesta is being abusive again in the text.
Siblings who resort to bullying view it as a means to exert power, often in response
to the fact that they have been victimized by parents, older siblings, or someone outside the family
(1). The aggression of the perpetrators can be a means of getting
back at a favored child and releasing the anger stemming from their own abuse or an attempt to
claim a sense of mastery over the trauma of their own abuse or situation.
The aggression can also be a form of mimicry that is
reinforced by other aggressors in the family (1).
whole power dynamic of Feyre’s family is entirely turned upside down. The
father no longer has control or power over his children, and they are left to
grapple for it between each other. His lack of control is seen not only in how
he never tells his children what to do or reprimands them for their treatment
of each other, but also in the ways Nesta looks to use his painfully injured
leg against him, “His simply carved cane was propped up against his chair—a
cane he’d made for himself … and that Nesta was sometimes prone to leaving far
out of his reach.” Nesta is malicious in her behavior towards him, and while it
is understandable for her to be angry and hurt by his negligence, it does not
give her the right to lash out at him and Feyre. No human is perfect, so
occasional outbursts would be understood, but her consistent and calculated
actions against the members of her family show that the situation they have
grown up in has affected her enough to use abuse tactics to try to regain power
in the situation. The following quote from the book is another instance of her
seeking to claim power from the others, “From beside my father, Nesta snorted.
Not surprising. Any bit of praise for anyone—me, Elain, other villagers—usually
resulted in her dismissal. And any word from our father usually resulted in her
ridicule as well.” Anything that could help lift Feyre’s sense of self-esteem
is instantly destroyed by Nesta. Nesta is almost certainly in pain, and she is
looking to make sure everyone not only stays that way – but hurts more than
her. Some might argue that Feyre is the one with the most power in the family,
since she is the only provider and source of food and money. There might be
credence to this, if it weren’t for two things. First, Feyre would never withhold
food, or money for survival necessities, from her family in order to control
them. Second, it is possible that one of the reasons Nesta resents Feyre is
because she is the sole provider (Nesta could change this by trying to help
support the family, but doesn’t) and used psychological means of taking any
power that Feyre might have. An example of this can be seen in the following
exchange between the sisters, “Nesta picked at her long, neat nails. “I hate
chopping wood. I always get splinters.” She glanced up from beneath her dark
lashes. Of all of us, Nesta looked the most like our mother—especially when she
wanted something. “Besides, Feyre,” she said with a pout, “you’re so much
better at it! It takes you half the time it takes me. Your hands are suited for
it—they’re already so rough.”” Nesta will eventually chop the wood, but she did
not do it prior to the book starting when Feyre originally asked her to, and
most likely only does it to try to curry some favor with Feyre before they head
to the market, which will be addressed later. In this exchange, Nesta is using
what, at first glance, looks to be a compliment, but is really intended to
insult Feyre. First, Nesta offered an excuse not to contribute to the family’s
survival, then she compliments Feyre’s ability to chop wood, and followed it up
with a compliment that Feyre had an affinity for wood chopping – since her
hands were rough. This is, of course, an insult since Nesta believes that
manual labor which impacts the hands is a task only poor people – people lesser
than her – should do. Her belief is evidenced by the perfectly kept state of
her own hands and fingers. Feyre, the provider, theoretically should be able to
demand help from her family. But she at most offers empty threats, since she
promised her mother that she would care for them no matter what. If Nesta did
not chop the wood, Feyre would have eventually done it. This is a fact that
Nesta knows and exploits. That is why Feyre does more than the bulk of the work
needed for the family’s survival. These, along with other exchanges in the
book, show that Nesta is using psychological abuse to claim power from her
Several studies over the past three decades found data
which shows that sibling abuse is pandemic and can have fatal results. One
study found that as many as 40% of children in the United States
engage in physical aggression against siblings, and as many as 85% engage in verbal aggression against siblings on a regular basis
(1). Many factors, such as the severity and intent of an act by one sibling and
the emotional impact of that act on another sibling, is used when determining if an interaction is abusive.
Negative sibling relationships
are characterized by fear, shame, and hopelessness. Negative relationships
indicate that some form of abuse is occurring (1). Examples include ridicule, which involves both words and actions that express contempt
and degradation, which deprives the victim of a sense of self-worth. The sibling who can exacerbate fear gains
control in the relationship through minimizing the other’s self-esteem (1).
Emotional abuse includes numerous and often cruel
forms of abuse, such as belittling, intimidation, scorn, provocation, destroying possessions, and torturing/killing pets.
discussed earlier, Nesta is looking to gain control from the other family members
through contempt, degradation, belittlement, scorn, and goading. This is
evidenced yet again in the following excerpt, “My sisters had gone quiet, and I
looked up in time to see Nesta crinkle her nose with a sniff. She picked at my
cloak. “You stink like a pig covered in its own filth. Can’t you at least try
to pretend that you’re not an ignorant peasant?” I didn’t let the sting and
ache show. I’d been too young to learn more than the basics of manners and
reading and writing when our family had fallen into misfortune, and she’d never
let me forget it.” Nesta is belittling how Feyre provides for the family by
insulting her appearance after hunting and bringing home food. She is also
purposefully picking at Feyre’s insecurity – the fact that she was never able
to learn to read and other skills the upper/middle class have in their society.
Examining this interaction with the three factors of sibling abuse in mind,
Nesta is yet again abusive. Perception – Feyre feels the “sting and ache” that
Nesta’s words create in her. She is emotionally hurt by her sister yet again. Intent-
Nesta is looking to undermine Feyre’s accomplishment in killing a deer and
looking to use a known insecurity to hurt Feyre more. Severity – the text
states that Nesta has used illiteracy, manual labor, and lack of education to
mock Feyre before, and this is yet again another instance of her calculating
what the best words to wound Feyre are in that situation. Yet another example
of Nesta finding ways to exert control on her family members is seen here, ““Take
those disgusting clothes off.” I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to
bark back at her.” Some might argue that Feyre is abusive as well, and while it
is important to keep in mind that all interactions are seen from Feyre’s
perspective and might be biased, Feyre’s intent is also very clear. After Nesta
negatively orders her to disrobe, she feels the insult in the order, but tries
to keep her anger inside her and not lash out. That is not a commonly found
trait in abusers, and Nesta certainly doesn’t display it. When angered, Nesta
instantly lashes out, and looks to find ways to severely hurt those who she is
The family environment is an important factor in sibling
abuse because sibling abuse often is a reflection of behavior
that has been witnessed or experienced within the family. The family is an interdependent unit, and
the actions of one family member have an impact on all the other members. Conflict over the
number of emotional and material resources available, and how parents handle
it, heightens stress among siblings. Children are at
greater risk of sibling abuse if their parents are unavailable to meet the children’s needs and are unable to help them to resolve
sibling tensions (1). Experts on sibling abuse
have proposed that maladaptive parental behavior and dysfunctional family structures play key roles in fueling
sibling abuse. In a
study conducted by Wiehe (1997), the normalization of abuse by parents was found to be a key factor in the severity and
frequency of abuse between siblings (1). It’s been proved that
an abused child may inflict abuse on a sibling because they are modeling the actions of their
parents. Some victims of severe sibling abuse have reported that
their family environments were toxic. Wiehe (2000) reported that some victims have “described the atmosphere in their
home as a ‘battleground.’ A culture of violence developed
for all family members living in this culture”. Raised in such an environment, children learn to survive through intimidation and cruelty.
Families who live in chaos are at risk of sibling abuse.
Chaotic and disorganized families move from crisis to crisis, and it
seems that no one has control. Parental stress and overburdened caretakers are two factors that result in the assignment of parental responsibilities and tasks to children. It has been shown that there is a strong
link between lack of parental supervision and the frequency and severity of sibling abuse
father in ACOTAR is neglectful to the point of abuse, which will be discussed
in a different post in the future. His emotional unavailability, inability to /
lack of trying to provide for the family, and refusal to protect the siblings
from each other all display his neglectful abuse. The chaotic situations the
family endures – losing their mother, losing their fortune, moving to a hovel,
watching their father beat, living without parents who provide for them – all
deeply impact the sisters. All of them are hurting, and this leads some of them
to turn to abuse to deal with the issues. “But at least Nesta didn’t fill our
heads with useless talk of regaining our wealth, like my father. No, she just
spent whatever money I didn’t hide from her, and rarely bothered to acknowledge
my father’s limping presence at all. Some days, I couldn’t tell which of us was
the most wretched and bitter.” The losses this family has faced has brought
them all low and filled them with pain, but it seems only Feyre is looking to actively
improve their situation.
Some families promote the development of alliances at the
expense of other family members. When this happens, an unhealthy triangle develops in the family structure.
are not always bad. However, when rigid rules and patterns are established in the triangle, problems may arise. When this
type of triangle exists in a family, resolution of emotional problems is often prevented
is an unhealthy trio in the house – and Feyre got the short end of it. Nesta
and Elain are the most bonded, and Nesta actively looks to undermine and cause
Feyre pain. Instead of Elain trying to heal the rift between the other two
sisters, she takes Nesta’s side – even though Nesta is predominantly cruel. This
unhealthy partnership, the support of an abusive individual, and neglectfulness
to the point of abuse along with the father, all show that Elain is not
innocent when it comes to sibling abuse. Textual evidence of this will be
provided and analyzed in a different post. Nesta also psychologically abuses
Elain – but to a much lesser extent than Feyre. This again, will be covered in
a different post. This post has grown too long, and so it will continue to
mostly focus on the sibling dynamic between Nesta and Feyre.
According to the National Family Violence Survey, the
rates of sibling abuse “make the high rates of other forms of family violence,
such as parents abusing children or spouses abusing each other, seem modest by
comparison”. Even with the high incident rates, sibling abuse is the least
reported and researched form of abuse (4). Emotional abuse may include verbal
intimidation or name calling, degradation, insults, and threatening or
completing acts of violence (4). The differences between sibling violence and
abuse are that violence showed reciprocal aggression between siblings, and
abuse was a result of one sibling exerting power over the other. Capsi defined
sibling abuse as, “unidirectional hostility where one sibling seeks to
overpower the other via a reign of terror and intimidation and reflects an
asymmetrical power arrangement” (4). When assessing psychological abuse, questions
related to emotional aggression can be used. These include, “what is happening
that hurts your feelings?” and intent “[insert example from student’s story],
did this happen accidently or on purpose? What tells you that it was ‘on
purpose’?” Questions such as these will likely elicit concrete descriptions of
the behavior between children (4).
There is another source of power found within families –
money and material items. Feyre is the provider of the family, the one who
risks her life to hunt and bring back game. The animals can be used for a few
purposes, for instance, some parts will be used for food, and other parts sold
for money. Feyre, the main/only real source of income for the family should be
able to decide how the money is spent. This right is undeserved and should be
revoked if the provider is selfish and wasteful with the family’s funds. The
book shows that Feyre is neither. Instead, her sisters are the selfish ones
when it comes to money:
love a new cloak,” Elain said at last with a sigh, at the same moment Nesta
rose and declared: “I need a new pair of boots.””
kept quiet, knowing better than to get in the middle of one of their arguments,
but I glanced at Nesta’s still-shiny pair by the door. Beside hers, my
too-small boots were falling apart at the seams, held together only by fraying
drew out the two syllables of my name—fay-ruh—into the most hideous whine I’d
ever endured, and Nesta loudly clicked her tongue before ordering her to shut
drowned them out as they began quarreling over who would get the money the hide
would fetch tomorrow…”
Why should either Elain or Nesta be given the funds the
hides would earn? Neither of them hunted the animals. If they weren’t being
selfish, they would be discussing the ways to use the money to best provide for
the family – every member. Instead, they bicker over which one of their
unhelpful and lazy selves should spend the money for their own individual
benefit. Clothing is of course a necessity, but Feyre’s clothes are in far
worse a state than their own, partly due to her physical activities she
performs to provide for them. Since she is the youngest, it is also likely,
though not specifically stated, that she got the hand-me-downs over the years
as many younger siblings do, especially in poor households. Yet the siblings
who did not earn the money argue over how they will spend it. Many abusers are
willfully ignorant of their selfish behavior and how it affects others. Other
abusers, as is likely in Nesta’s case, also selfishly seek to use money they
have or haven’t earned as a power ploy. Nesta, who constantly points out
Feyre’s shabby and poor appearance, has no doubt noticed the differences
between their apparel. She certainly knows that Feyre’s are in a worse state,
but still seeks to better her own wardrobe at the cost of her sister. Though
Feyre earned the money, Nesta is trying to take away Feyre’s power to use it.
and emotional sibling violence are one of the most common forms of violence
against children and the consequences of physical and emotional sibling abuse
can affect children and adults. Research has found children and adolescents who
have experienced sibling violence to have experienced mental health,
loneliness, psychological problems, and poor peer interaction and behavioral
problems (2). Violence against a child, regardless of, is still violence
against a child, unfortunately sibling violence has been mostly ignored in
child welfare. Children and teenagers who had experienced sibling aggression
reported higher mental health issues than children who had not experienced
sibling abuse. Children who were victims, and perpetrators, of sibling abuse
were found to be more likely to end up in abusive romantic relationships later
in life (2). Both the victims and the perpetrators of emotional sibling abuse tend to have significantly lower levels of self-esteem as adults than do nonvictims
unhealthy dynamic that Feyre and Nesta grew up with was rife with the
possibilities to become a selfish and psychologically unhealthy individual.
Nesta had considered an engagement, which implies a prior
attachment/relationship, with a man who would most likely be abusive. Feyre did
end up in love with a romantically abusive partner, Tamlin. Tamlin was not just
abusive towards her, but also arguably to Lucien. All sisters were unlucky
enough to live in a situation that can create abusers, but only one sister did
not show any indications of being abusive – Feyre. Unfortunately, she was
romantically involved with an abuser, but thankfully got out and found someone
who would not abuse her for the first time in her life.
all interaction between Feyre and Nesta in the beginning of ACOTAR is Nesta
trying to emotionally hurt Feyre and purposefully lower her self-esteem. When
reading the book, it is important to remember that Nesta has been treating
Feyre that way for years – not just the few days the readers see. Feyre has
been living in a hostile environment, one that Nesta inflames, for years. She
has suffered emotional and mental trauma at the hands of Nesta’s psychological abuse.
is abuse. Siblings are fully capable of abusing each other, and do so in
ACOTAR. Nesta’s later actions in no way erase her abusive behavior. Future
actions do not change past ones, but can begin to try to make up for it. Some
abusers can and will look to protect their victims from outside threats and
dangers besides themselves. Some abusers will love and care for their victims.
Some abusers will do nice and kind things for their victims. Some abusers will
even change their behavior. But none of it, none of it, will in any way lessen
or erase their current or past abuse. Some readers don’t think Nesta did
anything wrong. Some don’t want an apology from Nesta, and think it would be
out of character, in that sense, they would be right. It is out of character
for abusers to apologize for their behavior. But that does not mean the abusers
don’t need to, or shouldn’t, apologize for their actions. Or be held
accountable for them.
order for an abuser to deserve forgiveness they need to recognize their actions
as wrong. They then need to meaningfully apologize. Lastly, abusers would need
to change their behavior and keep it that way. Then they would not fit the
criteria for an abuser any longer. Simply stopping abusive actions do not undo
abuse, erase it, or mean a person no longer deserved the title of abuser.
was an abusive sibling. The fact is that she actively sought out ways to hurt
her sisters continually on a daily basis for years. The problem isn’t just that
she wasn’t unconcerned with other’s feelings, it was that she calculated ways
to hurt them. Whether she still is, or is not abusive is not what is being
discussed in this post. Nesta’s character is an excellent opportunity for the
author to show how an abuser can grow and change and be redeemed.
I will never enjoy reading about Nesta’s character. Many of her actions in
ACOTAR are nearly identical to many of my brother’s. Her treatment of Feyre is
very similar to some of the ways he treated me. I can’t read parts of the book
with Nesta’s character and not be reminded of my brother. It is certainly
possible for Nesta to grow and change, like my brother could, but even if they
do, I would still not want to read about, or associate, with them. Many readers
who have not suffered through sibling abuse will have no problem reading and
enjoying Nesta’s character, and there is no problem with that. The problem is
only when readers erase negative aspects of a character, and claim there were
no misdeeds done by characters they like.
is nothing wrong with liking a strong, willful, sarcastic, uncaring character. There
is nothing wrong with liking a morally gray character. Or a villain. Many do,
including myself. The situation only changes to being not okay when people
refuse to acknowledge a character’s misdeeds and mistreatment of others. Everyone
can have problematic faves, the only problem arises when fans refuse to
acknowledge their fave’s problematic behavior. We are all capable of critical
thinking and liking complex things. There is no reason to blindly pretend a
character has no flaws, or that the flaws aren’t harmful to others. We can
still love characters, flaws and all.
I ask that only polite discussion takes place on the subjects of abuse in the
fandom. There is no reason to write words that can be construed as hurtful to
people who have suffered sibling, and other, abuse in the past. Please remember
that survivors could be reading anything you post and say. I am tagging
everyone who liked/reblogged a post I saw earlier stating there was no sibling
abuse in ACOTAR. I am not looking to call anyone out, but only to shed light on
a very prevalent and harmful form of abuse that has been swept under the rug
far too many times.
“I’m upset because I was called out for improper care for one of my pets!
Great, sorry you feel that way, but don’t use you’re emotional state as a reason to bypass the fact that you’re providing potentially improper care.
If you have a fish in a bowl, chances are you’re providing improper care. If you’re feeding your cat or dog a strictly vegan diet, you are providing improper care. If you are following what the major brand pet store says your pet needs, chances are you’re providing improper pet care. If you’re response any time someone tries to inform you of the general needs of your pet you get defensive and brush off what they say, chances are you’re providing improper care.
Every pet owner has made mistakes. But as people who have living beings whose lives depend on us, we must look past our pride and acknowledge when we are wrong.
I don’t care if it’s a fish, snail, worm, dog, cat, or a parrot. If it’s a living being that depends on you, you owe it to provide that living being with the proper housing and care. If you cannot do so the responsible action is to surrender it to someone who will.