abstract-land

kitestarry  asked:

Hi, ENTP user here. You've once mentioned that dropping things and people quickly can be a sign of unhealthy Ne. I have a great issue with the people part, particularly with romance. Once I get at least a tiny bit bored I freak out and run away. I used to think that 'well they're not THE ONE' but after some thinking I tend to think it's the issue of MY mindset - no matter how much I try, I'll always end up like this if I don't solve it. Any advice/commentary?

(Gif: Dolores, Westworld. ENFP.)

This is specifically an inferior Si problem.

High Si know that great relationships take time. High Si knows life is not an endless succession of exciting moments. High Si knows the ups and downs of life and of relationships are normal. High Si knows trust, compatibility, and true understanding of another person comes with the willingness to wait, and allow a relationship to develop. High Si knows the details of someone else are valuable. High Si knows that someone might be ‘the one’ if you grow together.

Here is the hard truth every Ne-dom struggles with: life can and will often be boring. There will be periods of your life in which you are bored, when nothing interesting is happening unless you make it happen. It is your choice, whether you sacrifice your relationships on the altar of boredom or take those people with you into excitement. Now, it is true some people are not compatible with one another. If you have known someone only a short time, but most often find your mind not fully engaged with them, a relationship with that person may not be your best option, because you will “lose interest” quickly.

However, part of growing up and maturing, especially for the EXXP, is learning commitment; once a commitment bond forms, it takes a great deal to break it. I used to waffle on a friendship a great deal. There were times when we had fun, and times when I felt little interest. Then I realized that I was essentially being selfish; I was mostly concerned with filling “my” needs, some of which were unreasonable. Ne kept telling me, “What if there’s a BETTER person out there? The PERFECT match? You should throw this person aside and look for them!”

But… is that how I want to be treated? As a Substitute Person? A temporary placeholder until a more exciting person comes along? Is that how I want to live my life? Going from one person to another, USING one person after another, chasing endlessly after something abstract (what defines a “better” match?) instead of appreciating, maturing, and developing the relationships I have? There was a point where I stopped and said, “That’s it. I’m going to stop doubting this friendship. It’s good. We have fun. We hardly ever fight. We believe roughly the same way on a lot of issues. I’m just going to stay friends with her.” That was it. I haven’t doubted since. (We’ve been friends 14 years.)

Does she fulfill all my needs? No. She doesn’t have to. That’s my job. Are there boring patches where we have nothing to say? Yes, there are. That’s life. And in those boring patches, I find a new interest – not a new person. I am letting Si build our understanding of one another and ground me in reality. I cannot chase after an abstract individual who will keep me constantly entertained; the real thing, real conversations, real people, real lunch dates, are better.

I hear you in the romantic department. There’s a reason I’m single. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends but the minute it started getting “serious” … I ran away. I got scared. Scared I might get “trapped” in something I don’t want or like. Scared of the major commitment that comes from a serious relationship. Scared of all it implies. Are you really bored or… scared? Are you letting your Ne run away with you into the future as you live out an entire relationship and decide – nah (like I did) instead of living… now? In this moment? JUST HERE? If so,thats not fair. You just lived a life with another person out in your head in which they had no say, and assumed it would end in boredom. Why not just live it?

When you are facing one of those moments of “eh, should I cut and run?” ask yourself these questions:

Am I really “bored” with this relationship or chasing something abstract (a “better” one) that does not exist? Stop living in abstract-land. Write up a list of deep, character-driven qualities you want in a partner or friend and seek out people who have them.

Am I throwing away something good because it’s not moving “fast” enough? The entire world does not move as fast as the Ne-dom brain does. Are your expectations of how quickly a relationship progresses realistic?

Am I bored because I have not taken a true interest in this person? Look at your relationship. Do you only ever talk about what you want to talk about? Do you enjoy them when they take an interest in you, and then get bored when it’s their turn to talk? Do they exist just as a sounding board for your ego? Or do they actually matter to you as a human being? Do you know details about them? Did you ask questions and show interest in their likes and dislikes and passions, even though they are not yours? Or did you not listen because that’s “boring”? Did you pay attention when they confided in you?

Am I scared? Of… commitment? Letting someone get close to me? Giving away my heart? Opening up to someone else? Being tied to another person? Closing the door on other possibilities?

Or is what you have right now in the glorious, complex, fully flesh human being in your life… better than some abstract dream?

- ENFP Mod