about every men i know

Herc vs. Xena round 4: the opposite sex
  • Herc: I'm constantly bombarded by mobs beautiful women who want my body. Poor me. What did I do to deserve this ridiculous fantasy life of literally every straight man. Too bad I'm too moral to sleep with any of these digusting loose women.
  • Xena: My girlfriend and I keep getting unwanted attention from men I don't know or care about which every woman alive can relate to. I keep turning them down and violently attacking every man within reach, but they just keep coming. What does it take? How many men do I have to kill?
  • Winner: Xena.


Okay, I’ve seen a whole bunch of “oh man, this movie is awful but go see it, it’s great” posts about Jupiter Ascending, and I’ve got to disagree.

This movie is great and you should go see it because you will love it.

Yes, it’s cheesy scifi with a space wolf and there are weird plot points about bees and it’s got more world-building than they could possibly fit into a single movie. It’s rushed and it feels like it was adapted from a novel that you haven’t read, which is weird because it’s not adapted from anything. Yes, it’s about a space princess and it’s an old plot and yes, it can be predictable and cheesy as fuck.

It’s also a girl movie. As in, it is what every girl fantasized about when she was a teenager. I’ve heard people saying that it’s the novel that every girl wrote at fourteen, down to the fact that her space werewolf love interest has pretty angel wings at the end. What I would like to know is why that’s a problem.

This movie is the Chosen One plot—the ordinary orphan child finds out they are Special and is thrown into a new world that they have to save from the Big Bad. She even decides to make a heroic sacrifice! It’s also a Disney princess movie—the ordinary girl who dreams of something more finds adventure and love along the way. It’s a coming of age movie, in which the main character tries to find themself and their place in the world. It’s everything that girls should have in countless stories the way boys do… and it’s more than that, too.

It’s a movie that explores ideas about destiny and fate and choice—and it does so while confronting the very real problem girls have about people’s expectations of her. Each of the film’s characters want to control Jupiter—from her cousin twisting her arm into donating her eggs to the Abrasax brothers manipulating her to gain the wealth she has inherited. The Abrasax children want her to be their mother, her mother wants to protect her by keeping her from dreaming. Everyone wants to force something on her… and in the end, she chooses to remain in her old life. In the end, she chooses who she wants to be, choosing to defy Balem, choosing to return to the life she once hated– and being happy in it, knowing that it was her choice.

It’s noteworthy that her defiance comes in these words: “I am not your mother.” Kalique said that she wanted another chance at a good relationship with her mother. Titus claimed he knew he could trust her, because he knew his mother so well, he knew her, too. Balem… well, Balem has a whole host of mommy issues, but in the end, it seemed almost as though he wanted her forgiveness—his mother’s forgiveness. Each of the children tried to force her to be what they expected, to be the woman they knew as their mother.

There are a whole host of interesting themes they could have chosen to explore. I wish they had the time to explore them, to be honest—but I am glad that the one they went with was about finding yourself in the face of everyone’s expectations of you. It’s a movie I needed, it’s a movie so many girls need.

So please, for the love of god, stop focusing on the problems it has. Go see this movie because you’ll enjoy it—if nothing else, enjoy the costume and scenery porn and the very pretty cast, several of whom end up naked or shirtless. Enjoy the pretty wolf boy and his fluffy angel wings. Enjoy Balem being over the top. Enjoy the ridiculous action sequences. Don’t make excuses about enjoying a terrible movie, don’t pretend you can only love it ironically. Go, see the movie, and let yourself enjoy it sincerely.


*cackles* 😹

Here’s a good chuckle!! I found this gem from two months back. So some background: I went on one terrible date with this man back in April. He took me to Eatlaly without a reservation and it was packed. I quickly realized that he had zero potential and so I did what any woman in my position would do. I ordered a ton of food and started talking about cats, feminism, and witchcraft. 😸 lol I’m usually very well behaved but I couldn’t that night. Like I tried everything to be on my worst behavior and somehow it backfired?! So I got into a cab that he rudely didn’t pay for, he tried to kiss me 😖and I dodged it. I obviously expected never to hear from him again but a few days later he’s texting me asking me out again?!? And he was asking me out on drink dates which he justified as actual dates because “we live in an era of tinder hookups.” Like yeah maybe but if I’m having tinder hookups they’re with men in their twenties who have all of their hair. Not mid forties men with alopecia.

Anyway. He kept pursuing me and asking me out on dates. I made a post some time ago where he kindly compared me to a Russian gold digger- he probably thought that was an insult 😭. And he told me that he had “99 problems but getting pussy wasn’t one of them.” Lolololol 😹 I mean if that’s the case then why was he trying so hard to have another date with me?!

So at that point I told him to stop contacting me and that I was blocking him. Then in September I got an iCloud message- something that I had no idea about. So I guess even if you have someone’s number blocked, if you both have iPhones they can text you from their I cloud account? To reiterate, I had a single two hour, terrible dinner date with this man in April. Never saw him again. Now it’s September and he’s still bothering me after I told him not to?! That’s harassment. And I was particularly annoyed because it was a lovely Saturday and I was sitting outside at a park waiting to meet Young. Like how dare he interrupt my day with nonsense. So naturally I told him to have fun jerking it by himself with alopecia 😹- and I blocked him.

So then I get an okcupid message preview from the man sent to my email. I hadn’t used okc for months but I had to log in to read this hilarious mess.

Okay so first of all I’ll level with him calling me average looking because beauty is subjective. But on the height thing? So I’m taller than the average height of U.S women- from that logic I’m taller than average- which makes me ~tall~. And the best part.. I was taller than him. *cackles*

And he didn’t even mention my terrible personality? I’m disappointed because I was really putting in the effort to be terrible. And his negging as if he knew me? He spent two hours with a stranger (me) and I spent those two hours being as outrageous as possible because I knew I’d never see him again. I should mention that he was completely bald, mid-forties and never married. I wonder why 😒

My only question is, if I am so short and average, and he has no problems “getting pussy”- then why was he pursuing me for months? 🤔👀💆🏻