There are days when all you want to do is write. I have many days where I yearn to write something amazing or worth reading. When I press the pen against the blank paper of my tiny moleskin notebook, I cannot write. A sliver of my blank mind left behind as a reminder to the emptiness I felt, and I close my notebook again. Lately, I want to take away that empty feeling I feel. I have written short things, stories, thoughts, poems. My mind is at ease with poetry. I have dreams at times of creating a book of short poems or writing a novel. I have dreams of many things. So many little things I wish to accomplish, but everything feels so out of reach. I want to try and do something about it. At times I feel completely useless or stupid or depressed or stuck, but I want to stop feeling that way. I want to wake up and tell the world that I can.
My days lately have been filled with happy feelings. I am smitten and lucky. I haven’t had so much anxiety since I quit smoking ganja. I do have panic attacks, or have, at least twice. I have a job again, at Tèo, a nice gelato cafè, ranked 5th in the world, based on Gelato World Finals that took place in Rimini, Italy. I also realized how much I love Italy: culture, food, people. I want to go back to Florence and settle down there or a nearby location and go backpacking in Italy. Just travel and live.
I think my biggest dream is and has always been to travel to as many places as I can manage. I have yet to explore many other areas of this amazing blue planet. I want to create art and experience new cultures and fight for something I care about. I have yet to figure it all out, but I am not in much of a rush.
We live thinking we have to live big or die with nothing. That’s not the case with my life. Today I planned with my dear to go biking. It rained. The point is, plans do not work with me. I cannot plan my life out. College has been a strange dissappointment. I was too distracted, wanting to do so many things at once, and I still feel like I have not achieved much. I took classes, I acted, I directed, and yet, I do not know if everything that I have done up to this point is taking me down the correct path. My path keeps changing. Every day is a new adventure and it is hard to pinpoint exactly where I am going. When people ask what I plan to do with my degrees, I say what I mean: I do not know. I don’t. I don’t have to know. I don’t think I ever will. In fact, I am pretty sure I’m going to end up doing some amazing things that have nothing to do with my major or my college education. What I can thank college for is communication. I have learned, more than anything, how to speak up for myself, respect others, and gain a wider persective than I had. My mind and my voice opened up, and that is all I need to keep on keeping on.