My mind: don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be clingy.
As sufferers of bpd, the fear of abandonment is a very prominent aspect in our lives, even when irrational. Sufferers of bpd will go to great lengths to prevent perceived abandonment. So how do you cope when the fear turns into a reality?
Natural Coping Mechanisms:
Splitting - Very common in cluster b personality disorders. This is when you go from idealizing something to completely devaluing it. It is particularly common in bpd when abandonment is perceived because devaluing the person leaving you causes you less pain. It doesn’t hurt so much if you hate them. Detachment - Dissociation, although inconvenient, is a coping mechanism. If you experience an intense enough emotion, you will probably disconnect from your feelings. This protects you from the full intensity of how you feel, but probably won’t last forever. Regression - You may go into what is known as child mode. This involves going into the mindstate of another age.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms:
Begging them to take you back - DO NOT! This is the worst thing to do! if they left you, they do not care about you and are not worth your time. No matter how much you want to go back to them and you miss them and ‘need’ them, don’t go back to them. They’re not worth it!
Stalking - This will just hurt you more. They are not worth your time and effort and you will probably see them being happy without you and this will cause further obsession and harmful feelings. It will only hurt you. Also, it’s kinda creepy.
Risky behaviour - A very common coping mechanism for those with bpd is putting themselves in dangerous situations. This is not worth it and can result very badly. This involves self-harm, suicide attempts, drinking, random sex, etc. It’s not worth it. Please talk to a friend or seek help if you feel the urge to do this.
Avoidance - It may seem like an appealing idea to avoid everyone in order to not be abandoned again, but you will essentially be abandoning the entire world. It will be lonely and hard and is not worth it. There are people out there who will really care about you and be good for you. Those people are worth it.
Dwelling on them - The more you think about them, the more likely you are to feel sad and build them up in your mind into someone they’re not. It’s better to cut contact for a while and remove reminders of them from your surroundings. It hurts less until you’re ready to face it.
Self-blame - You may blame yourself for them leaving. You may think it’s because you’re not good enough, you’re too much, not enough, etc. Don’t listen to those thoughts as they are untrue. They left of their own decision. If they had a valid reason for leaving (e.g. they were getting drained, they’re not in love with you anymore) then look at the reason, assess whether or not it’s true. You can get friends or family to help you decide. And then start your thoughts process. Either better yourself, or don’t. But don’t blame yourself or start self-hate.
Healthy Coping Mechanisms:
Giving yourself time - The most important thing is to let yourself be sad and grieve for a while. It will hurt for a long time, even if you split or detach, the emotions will crash on you eventually. So, remember not to be too hard on yourself and to let yourself be sad.
Venting - Use any support systems available and talk to someone about how you feel, whether it’s a crisis line, therapist, a trusted tumblr blog, or a friend. Just get your feelings out and share the pain. You are not burdening people, you are not being annoying. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be recognised.
Look at things that will help you get through -
Write down a list of all your personal strengths, attributes, and character traits that will get you through being abandoned. Write down a list of people and outside resources that you can turn to. Then turn to them
Focusing on bettering current relationships - Strong support systems are a vital foundation to make you feel better and friends and family make pretty good distractions (or new favorite people). Try and strengthen communication, go out with a friend, or whatever.
Focusing on bettering and taking care of yourself - Take up a new hobby, go out, meet people, get a pet! Do whatever it takes to fill the void and distract yourself! Also focus on your current needs and try your best not to fall into a pit of self-loathing and depression. It will be especially hard for the first few weeks/months to get back on your feet and ready to care for yourself, but if staying in bed and crying helps you to feel better, then that’s fine. Just don’t fall into bad habits.
Self-fulfillment - often people use relationships to fulfill what they can’t do for themselves. They can use them to feel special, wanted, useful, valid, etc. A useful thing in life is to be able to serve your own needs and become as independent as possible. Do things to make yourself feel special, take yourself out to dinner, tell yourself nice things even if you don’t believe them.
Remove reminders of them - being confronted with reminders of someone you love can be painful and hard. Remove all reminders of your ex favorite person and ask your friends not to talk about them. Or to remind you of all their negative aspects.
Yes, these seem like a lot of the ‘neurotypical rubbish’ we often see, but sometimes that shit works.
It’s okay to be annoying if you’re having a bad day. Or a bad week. It’s okay if you annoy and anger people you care for sometimes. Just like it’s okay if the people you care about annoy and anger you sometimes. You’re allowed to feel rankled or irritated. You are allowed to be inconvenient to people sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It doesn’t mean they will leave you.
You’re allowed to be imperfect and have imperfect relationships. You’re allowed.
Does anyone else with BPD get that thing where they can’t walk away from a fight without it being resolved because you’re terrified that the person will die or something and your last words to them would be bad?
andrew goes on to play exy professionally because it’s all he knows. it’s a borrowed obsession and he knows neil will play pro until he physically can’t anymore. so he joins a professional team, and he keeps playing. for years. until eventually he figures out what he wants to do with his life
he wants to work with kids. he wants to help vulnerable kids because no one ever helped him. so he retires and he becomes a social worker and for probably the first time in his life he has a passion. something he loves doing, that makes him feel good. something that makes him feel like he has a place in the world
I am a deeply sensitive person. Some days I hide it better than others. Some things may trigger me one day and not the next. In all honesty I don’t know what my triggers are, there’s no rhyme or reason. It just is.
It’s just in me to explode at the ‘smallest’ of things, when in all honesty, something that is small and trivial to you… something you wouldn’t even think twice about… is a huge deal to me and I’ll think about it and overthink it for hours even days after the fact.
It’s like having a heart of glass… but its constantly breaking and shattering and talking literally, containing all those shards within you, day in/day out constantly… it really fucking hurts.
“Why did you stay?” “Why didn’t you leave?” “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
These are the questions that are fired at a survivor of gaslighting.
So what is gaslighting?
It is one of the most manipulative form of emotional abuse. It is when the victim blames themselves and has lost the faith in their own abilities. It is when you start to question your own ability to make decisions or even think. It is when someone that you are emotionally attached to becomes the person who causes you immense distress and pain.
The victims stay because they genuinely believe that they may be the cause for the distress. They stay because when it comes to someone you trust, it isn’t someone who you’d give up on that easily. They stay longer than they should because it is painful to watch someone that you love and care about (in any form be it friendship, relationship or otherwise) turn into someone that you hate. They stay out of genuine concern for the abuser’s well being.
As for why they don’t leave, it’s because they believe that they wouldn’t be able to make it without their abuser. To put it dramatically, they think that they wouldn’t be able to live without them. They believe (as they have been made to) that they are incapable of doing anything without the abuser. Sometimes, they don’t leave out of fear of the abuser spreading false information about them or maybe because he/she has threatened to reveal the victim’s weaknesses.
They don’t tell anyone the full extent of damage being inflicted because isn’t it a human tendency to protect the people that you care about? Regardless of the type of behavior, when it comes to someone you trust, you’d tend to be protective of them and wouldn’t want anything that you say to hurt them. So they don’t tell anyone about this sick form of demagoguery fearing whether they would even be believed or whether they would in turn be questioned about their willingness to submit to the oppressor’s wishes.
How did you let it get so bad?
What people don’t seem to understand is that the changes are so subtly done and the manipulation is so carefully implemented that the victims don’t even know what they’re falling into. These are people you trust so at first they believe that maybe they have some hidden agenda which would lead to the betterment of themselves when in reality they are falling face flat into an emotional trap.
Then, the victims start questioning the very facts that have been presented to them because the oppressor would have made slight changes to the version of the truth which in turn would result everything being the fault of the victim.
They cut off the attachment with them only when it reaches a point where they have been hurt so badly or the abuser does something so morally wrong that no amount of excuses could pardon their behavior and they run out of instances to defend the manipulator.
This isn’t something that the survivor can “move on” from or just “get over”. It takes time to heal the wounds that have been cast on their minds. They have been through a mental trauma, an emotional rollercoaster and a psychological assault on their very mind and these aren’t the type of scars that can be healed very soon.
It is a battle with themselves and their mind that follows in their path to recovery.
It is enough to drive anyone to the point of insanity and requires and immense amount of grit and emotional strength on their part to overcome such an ordeal.
These abusers may actually be someone who may have cared for them, or someone who may have been dealing with their own issues in such negative way or just a manipulative piece of shit who cares only themselves and don’t give a damn about how their words and actions have destroyed someone that they may have claimed to care for.
The process of healing is slow and painful. There may or may not be any physical injuries but the degree of hurt that has been cast on their minds takes a different duration for different people depending on the extent of trauma, the support from genuine well-wishers and their own strength.