Dear Jamie, I try and try to foster my own gaggle of batshit crazy anons, but to no avail. I put out frootloops, built tiny wee madhouses, compare body parts to symbol sets, but nothing seems to work! What is the secret to your amazing success?
Oh man, it’s gonna be a really tough project, you’re gonna have to use your head, your brain, and your mind, too.
BOOM THAT WAS YOUR FIRST LESSON AND I BET YOU DIDN’T EVEN CATCH IT. That was a School of Rock quote. You have to present the opportunities for anons to come at you. What I should’ve done is screw the quote up. Who knows? Maybe I did! If I did, I’m sure someone will tell me!
OH MAN MR. MIYAGI’D THIS SHIT RIGHT FROM THE FUCKING ONSET.
Your second lesson is to vaguely insult teenagers. Don’t ever say it directly, just edge around it. I mean, here alone, the implication that it’s teenagers that are the anons is probably enough to get me started, but that’s some Inception-level shit. We need to work you up to that.
The third lesson is to seem cool. You don’t have to be cool, I’m not cool, but you have to seem cool, because people want to prove that they’re cooler than cool people. If there were a tiny runt dog, drenched in rain, even though it’s not raining, by the side of the road, would you want to tell that dog that his collar looks stupid? No, you wouldn’t. Now imagine a different dog in Ray-Ban sunglasses, and an Islands t-shirt (the band, not the land mass), and Chuck Taylor’s he painted himself in his garage-turned-studio. Don’t you want to knock that dog down a peg? I bet you do. Out of curiosity, did you picture a Corgi? I pictured a Corgi.
The fourth lesson is to get things a little bit sexy. People let their guards down when things are a little bit sexy. They want to tell you things, or they want to yell you things, and really, everyone’s just feeling a lot freer. You gotta loosen ‘em up, there are no inhibitions on your blog, your blog is Pleasure Island, and you know what people do on Pleasure Island? THEY MOUTH THE FUCK OFF.
The fifth lesson is to write tags literally without paying attention to anything, so that when people try to hold you accountable for something, you basically don’t even remember saying it. Let’s practice. Let’s say you have a photo of David Tennant doing…something. He’s eating, sure, let’s say he’s eating. What would you tag that post with? #david tennant #tennant #tenth doctor (depending on his outfit) #food porn, maybe?
WRONG. What you need to do is tell a completely unrelated story, but use your lessons. Let’s walk through them one more time: get something wrong, vaguely insult teenagers, seem cool, get sexy.
Okay, ready? So now you can start.
Tell a story about how one time when you were seeing Return of the Jedi in the theatres when it came out for the very first time ever — in what, and you remember this vividly, was definitely 1997 — and you were just trying to buy some popcorn and this girl kept crying behind the concessions counter, and frankly you did not know or care why she was crying, I mean, what’s her biggest problem? That her $1,200 couture prom dress doesn’t fit? Snoresville, you want your popcorn, and also you have real problems, and she has fake ones, so. Finally you get your popcorn, and you head back to the theatre, and you run into some friends that you used to design rocket ship prototypes with, only their flight paths were determined by the drum beats in Arcade Fire songs, and one in particular, this dude with a terrific head of hair, and hipbones for days, you’d forgotten how good he smells, and you remember his bedroom and anticipation and the sound of his belt, and man, the sound of belt buckles, right? and then just wrap it up with a non sequitur. Maybe try “Man, I’m hungry.” or “I actually wish I’d remembered my belt today, these jeans fit so fucking poorly.”
Don’t worry about mentioning David Tennant, if you feel weird and you want to wade in, feel free to mention whether he’s also wearing a belt in the picture. If you’ve gone with the tag where you forgot your own belt, you can say something like, ‘And David Tennant’s belt would do nicely!’
AND THERE YOU GO, THAT’LL DO YOU. You can sit back and relax now, friend! They’ll come to you!
Somebody should remind them of his first episode where he clung to the TARDIS while it was airlifted by helicopters or some shit, flying all over London, and he was almost castrated by Big Ben. Damn, that man is a dedicated actor!
It’s a little-known fact that David Tennant actually jumped out of a plane without a parachute and fell through a glass ceiling. No wonder he has back problems.
During our 8-hour car ride today, at one point I asked my kids if they wanted to stop for a snack. They both said “YES!” at the same time. Then my 5-year-old daughter turns to my son and gleefully cries, “Jinx! You owe me some bacon!”
Eleven just needs to have a Poochie scene — “I have to go now, my home planet needs me.” Then they can slap in a few confused reaction shots from everybody else, paste in the Turn Left mushroom cloud, and get the Capaldi party started.
isilienelenihin said: No he really does look like he thought she was pregnant with his baby. Also fics where that is the case ARE THE BEST THING EVER. :D I JUST LOVE THE DOCTOR AS A FATHER OKAY? OKAY. I’M GLAD YOU AGREE.
YAY I AM SO PLEASED YOU THINK SO XD
I LOVE THE DOCTOR AS A FATHER TOO IT’S OKAY WE CAN SHARE IN THIS LOVE OF THIS SLIGHTLY-TABOO-IN-CERTAIN-FANDOM-CIRCLES SUBJECT TOGETHER
abadplanwellexecuted said: Yeaaahh, especially on that pre-Doomsday, hand-in-hand walk. That is not a platonic walk. (Also Fear Her console eyesex.)
THAT DELETED SCENE IS MY FAV
I KNOW RIGHT OH MY GOODNESS FEAR HER IS BASICALLY A HOW-TO FOR INSERTING ROLEPLAY/FOREPLAY INTO A FAMILY SHOW
I DON’T KNOW WHY I AM SHOUTING I JUST FEEL THESE THINGS SO DEFINITIVELY TO THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL THAT IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY CAPSLOCK CAN CONVEY MY ENTHUSIASM
There are some people on Tumblr that I love so, so, so much. I don’t know if they know how significantly they impacted my life, but it is more than a “follow forever.” It is “you have captured my heart and enriched my life. Forever.”
Duuuude, your girl is gorgeous, but don’t be knocking the brown-haired babies or I WILL throw down.
Hahaha, this is going to be the greatest fight on earth, just pictures of really cute babies being thrown around. LOOK AT THE DIMPLES ON THIS ONE! OH YEAH, WELL THIS ONE ONLY HAS ONE TOOTH!
There will be no survivors, just a pile of people reduced to gibbering messes of peek-a-boo and got your nose.
#I have no doubt that the PR machine has made this huge announcement about Billie and David #because they are sneaking all sorts of people in the back door #while we're all distracted and hyperventilating over our shiny Rose and Ten toy -- Ah, but who? BUT WHO?
AT LEAST the Fifth Doctor, we already know Moff is a fan of Peter Davison’s. I’m suspicious about Chris Eccleston’s reversal of answer when it came to whether or not he’d reprise his role — he went from a pretty staunch “Nope” to a “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” I am hoping against all hope that Paul McGann gets more screentime — he’s aged so well, and he’s so perfect as Eight. But Paul has been playing things close to his chest, if he was approached at all about the whole thing, and that’s more just my wishful thinking.
I have no idea about Tom Baker, Sylvester McCoy, and Colin Baker, or about the companions, either. Lalla Ward or Sophie Aldred or Louise Jameson would be interesting choices, especially because they’ve been keeping up their companion roles with Big Finish. I would kill to see Catherine Tate or Camille Coudri in their roles again, too. But yeah.