a-life-without-me

i am rather speechless today on my 30th birthday. i have no words to explain my life experiences thus far, or to speak on the amount of love being shone to me, each and every day. all i can do is sit in comfort knowing i have all of this because i am all of this; my world is truly a reflection of me. learning to love myself, learning that i am only in control of myself, learning to let go and let live - these 3 aspects forever changed my life and without them i would not be me, or have ever known that this lovely version of me was capable of existing. whoever you are today you, whatever you want to be tomorrow - it’s all up to you. be your biggest fan, greatest supporter and bestest friend.  turning 30 today, with a gigantic amount of love and respect for myself, is a huge accomplishment.

Yesterday night I had a chat with my downstairs Korean neighbour coming home from work. She stopped me to ask some questions as she does, and I answered them honestly as I always do. You ask me something and you get a genuine answer. 

It started with simple life questions but then she asked me your 26 without a boyfriend what’s the deal? and I explained what an asexual was and she came back with “may be that’s what I am too” and we connected and chatted more, then she asked if I was ever bullied at school - I was physically and mentally for years for stupid reasons like appearance or being ‘too city for the country’ or ‘too country for the city’ - I attended 14 different schools in the end. I told her I was (although thank god I am not a teenage girl these days, we didn’t have a social media when I went to school so thankfully I could escape my tormentors at home or a safe place - these days that is almost near impossible). anyway I said yeah mainly because I was overweight and ugly (or just plan weird). She stopped me and said, your not ugly and I have never seen you as overweight in fact I think you have a nice curvy body, big breasts, tiny waist, and wide hips… every time I see you I think you dress really well, look confident and have a nice body….never do I see you as fat. And you know what that actually made me smile. 

She said that to achieve happiness in life is a two step process - first have self awareness/understanding, and second have self acceptance. The second is hardest and not something achieved over night, or a decade, or even a lifetime. 

 I dealt with major depression when I was younger and even these days I have ‘dark hours, days, weeks’ but most of the time I just say ‘fuck em’ but of course doubt and anxiety are like seeds inside my brain and sometimes stresses come along and those seeds start to grow. Only a month ago I thought as an asexual I was a failure as a female. That I wasn’t normal that I should just find a boyfriend, have a kid and grow-up. But that isn’t me, that isn’t who I searched for and finally accepted who I was in my early teens. The same is for my weight - sure I am overweight, but you know what I can say with some certainly that I am fucking stronger than most girls (except maybe my good friend who is a world champion strong woman). But you always doubt yourself, what other people see is unlikely what you see. People say I look confident, grounded, own myself, and intelligent. I don’t see that so when someone says something nice I feel at the same time awkward (or guilty because I am fake) but also a sense of small happiness because maybe I can be that person someday, or at least a version of that person that makes me happy. 

not to be gay or anythin but i cant believe that the other day i met the dude who p much changed my entire life
like i  honestly would not be me without noel n his work so like. its p damn cool that i met him

3

“And I won’t ever let you go… Wait for me to come home.” [x]

I don’t think he’s gonna let you out of his sight for another 70 years, Buck, but that’s okay, because this happens in cap 3 and i will be crying myself into a coma along with Steve [x]

3

Move A Mountain  |  zainclaw  |  E  |  69,006 words  |  soundtrack  |  art

Stiles goes camping with his friends in New Mexico after graduation where they befriend a biker gang led by Derek: a guy whom Stiles can’t decide if he will be either relieved or devastated to never see again once their week is up.

“You better hold on,” Derek advises. He turns his head slightly to the side, glancing at him over his shoulder. “I don’t want to get in trouble if you get hurt.”

“Good idea,” Stiles agrees, having to raise his voice in order to be heard over the loud engine. “My dad might press charges. Did I mention he’s the sheriff back home?”

“Maybe we should call this off.”

“No way!”

Double Ponytails.

Just days ago, before everything changed, an anon asked me to draw Lirry, because it was a rarely drawn ship. Here’s my current take on Liam and Harry, after all that’s happened - I like to think they had a private moment leaning on each other, connecting to Zayn. So I guess the drawing actually turned out Zirry/Zarriam…but can you blame me?

                                            Write on me, color outside the lines

2

“WELCOME TO OUR GANG, HUMAN”
“put on your uniform”
* sans handed you “sick threads” …dope…

the initiation ritual was to eat three plates of spaghetti in one sitting

2

i’ve been trying to post a drawing every day so…here’s some lineless practice with allura holding… molten steel? a star? you decide.