a world domination how to

#ok but sana #is just a girl with a crush here #look at her little smile when she hears his name #look at her going to the mirror #and taking a deep breath #like saying you can do this #it’s not even been one episode #and we see how much sana is hiding her feelings and vulnerabilities #how she has put on a mask of fierceness #to hide from everyone #especially her friends #cause she doesn’t think they will understand #how much harder it is for her to live in a world dominated by sex #how much harder is for her to just like a boy #not knowing if he will ever wanna be with her #if she doesn’t offer him sex #how much harder it is for sana to express any kind of emotion #when it’s so different from what the society she lives considers ‘’normal’’

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

I Got You - Brett Talbot x Reader

Originally posted by holyhalehottness

Pairing: Brett x Reader

Prompt: Unrequited loves a bitch but Brett is your prefect distraction. (Inspired by I Got You – Bebe Rexha)

Warning: Smut, getting high, slight angst and swearing.

ENJOY!!

*****

You smiled over at the pack as you spoke to your boyfriend. You laughed at something Sean, tucking your hair behind your ear. After a few heated kisses with him he said he was going to speak to his friend so you made you way over to the pack. Lydia was looking at you with a smirk as soon as you arrived. You smiled and started to speak to Kira and Lydia about what everyone was doing over the weekend.

“I don’t like him.” Stiles interrupted as you were about to open your mouth.

“Who?” You asked confusion gracing your voice.

“Sean.” He stated as the guys looked worriedly between you and Stiles.

“Well you’re the only one who has a problem with him.” You sassed, your arms crossing across your chest.

“Not true actually I dislike him too.” Isaac sassed back. You shot him and looked at Liam waiting for more opinions.

“I don’t trust him.” Liam muttered shyly, you looked to Mason and Cory.

“He has a reputation.” Mason whispered but Cory nodded in agreement so you glanced at Scott, he was your alpha so whatever he said you would soak in more.

“If you love him be with him. Just be cautious. Okay?” He smiled over the table at you softly and you just nodded in response.

After school was over you made your way to your sleep black pickup truck, only to find Brett leaning against it. You grinned at him as he opened his arms. You ran into his arms as he lifted you up, your legs dangling quite far from the floor. After a minute he put you down you stared up at him with the biggest smile ever.

“So how was your trip with Satomi?” You asked softly as he leaned against your car crossing his arms.

“It was good I learnt a lot. I missed my best friend though.” He chuckled before bring you in for another hug but we were interrupted by a throat clearing. You pulled away to see Sean there with a pissed of look placed on his face. You moved away from Brett as they both seemed to be sizing each other up. Compared to Brett, Sean was shorter he was about 5’’10.

“Who’s this?” Sean finally spoke his tone serious.

“This is Brett my best friend. Brett this is my boyfriend Sean.” You stated almost automatically.

“How come I’ve never seen him before?” Sean asked still not taking his eyes off Brett.

“He goes to Devonford prep. Plus he’s been travelling.” You stated proudly as you smiled over at Brett who returned the smile easily but then turned his attention back to Sean.

“Right anyway you still coming to that party tomorrow?” Sean asked his voice still strained.

“Yeah. You coming Brett?”

“Whose party is it?” He questioned softly.

“It’s Lydia’s her mom’s away this weekend so she’s throwing a party.” You stated, gasping when you remembered you were going shopping with Lydia.

“Shit I gotta go! I have a shopping trip with Lydia.” You exclaimed as you jogged over to Sean giving him a soft kiss before turning back to your car.

“You coming Brett? Stiles, Mason and Cory are coming too.” You made your way to the driver’s door as you spoke. He opened the door for you before offering his hand so you could step up easier. He made his way round to the passenger’s side, getting in and looking to you as you started backing out the parking lot.

“So new boyfriend?” He finally said after 2 minutes of driving you nodded in response. He grunted as if he was thinking but you decided not to ask. After 5 minutes you arrived at the mall, you immediately saw Lydia, Stiles, Mason and Cory stood by Stiles’ jeep. Once you cut off the engine and started grabbing you bag, Brett got out and made his way round to your door. He opened it, grabbing your bag before grabbing you and throwing you over his shoulder making you squeal.

“Brett put me down you caveman!” You laughed as you playfully hit his back, he put you down once you arrived in front of the pack.

“Okay so Mason and Cory you being here makes sense but Stiles what you doing here?” Brett laughed as Stiles pulled a sour face.

“Because my boyfriend has horrible taste in clothes and we need to update his wardrobe.” Lydia stated her lips doing that thing were they pout slightly, like she was thinking of world domination.

“Boyfriend!? How much did I miss?” Brett choked as he heard the word boyfriend.

“Mhm their cute together.” You responded impersonating Lydia. Stiles and Lydia rolled their eyes in unison before you all made your way into the mall.

“Question is why are you here?” Stiles finally spoke.

“I’m the bi sexual friend so I get away with helping the girl change clothes.” Brett deadpanned Stiles’ jaw dropping as he looked at everyone who were trying to contain their laughter.

“He’s helped you change!?” Stiles screeched at Lydia.

“No he only does that for Y/N, I usually have Mason help me.” She responded sassily.

Stiles nodded as we finally walked into Macys, he followed Lydia closely as they made their way to the male section. You followed and started looking at jeans for Brett. You found a pair of dark indigo faded slim fit jeans. Plucking them off the rack as Brett finally caught up with you, he stood in front of you with a raised eyebrow. You held the jeans up then looked at him as if analysing whether it was a good pick, when you finally nodded and passed them to Brett as you made your way to the changing room. He went in without a word as you stood there patiently, Cory and Mason arriving and waiting with you. When Brett came out you all stopped to look at him, glancing over at Cory before you both smirked.

“Who’s that sexy thing I see over there?” You both sang in unison making Mason snort. Brett rolled his eyes and went back to the changing room. When Brett came back out you and Lydia made your way to the girls section. You both quickly picked some items before going to try them on, leaving the boys to sit it the waiting room.

“I think you should stop eating southern fried chicken and started eating Buttermilk Donuts. Their sweeter and drool worthy.” You stared at her like she’d gone crazy before your jaw dropped realising what she meant. ‘I think you should stop dating Sean and start dating Brett.’

“Why what’s wrong with Southern Fried Chicken?” You raised your brow at her as you stripped out your jeans. ‘Why what’s wrong with Sean?’

“It’s delicious and everything but it will betray you one day and it’ll all go to your ass.” She slid on her dress before sipping it up as she spoke. ‘He’s cute but he’s not trust worthy.’ After that she walked out the changing room. You shook you head and did up your dress before walking out.

After 20 minutes you had paid and made your way over to the food caught. As you stood in the que someone bumped into you making you almost fall, until you felt strong arms wrap around you. You looked up to see Brett glancing at you with concern, you smiled at him as if to reassure him you were okay. He nodded his arms staying around your shoulder. He usually did this but after what Lydia said the action made you blush. Once you all had your food you went to find a table.

It was now Saturday and you were officially ready for Sean to pick you up. You had 5 minutes to spare so you did you last check of your hair and makeup before hearing a car horn. You made your way to the car, your midnight blue dress slinging to your body like a second skin. It was a ruffle off the shoulder dress that was tight and reached mid thighs. You wore nude slightly pointed heels that clicked as you walked to the car.

Sean gave you a compliment before setting off, you both sat in comfortable silence for all of the ride. Once you arrived Sean got out and stood there as if waiting for me to get out myself, that’s when I remembered how Brett always held the door open for me. In fact the whole of the pack males always held the door open for the girls, this made you frown before deciding to let it go. You made your way up Lydia’s drive before getting to her large front door. You knew you were early because there was only a few people here but you thought you could offer help. Sean went off to find any of his friends as soon as Lydia opened the door making you roll your eyes.

After a few minutes of helping to make sure everything valuable was in a locked room Lydia got you both a drink. You knew as a werewolf you couldn’t get drunk but that didn’t matter you were here to have fun. You sat on the counter across from Lydia, legs crossed as you spoke about gossip that you’d both found out during the week. After a few hours you stood with the pack outside by the pool, talking about anything and everything. That’s when you felt lips press against you exposed shoulder. You glanced to the side to see a drunk Sean trying to touch you up. You looked at the pack who were rolling their eyes at his actions.

“Let go upstairs.” He murmured as his hands start straying lower.

“How about no. Go get some water Sean.” You sighed pushing his hands off, he huffed before walking off. You smiled at the pack before continuing your conversation, but you got interrupted once again as someone spun you round and dipped you down. You knew almost immediately it was Brett causing you to laugh as he brought you back up. He grinned down at you making you snort.

“Okay as much as this is, I need a bathroom break.” You giggled before glancing at Lydia and Kira, they nodded and followed you to Lydia’s on suit. As you opened the door to Lydia’s bedroom you froze, causing the girls to bump into you.

“Why did yo- Oh shit…” Lydia stopped and stared at the sight before them.

“Boys get up here!” Lydia screamed which made Sean and the blonde under him look up. He froze as he saw you, his eyes wide.

“Y/N-”

“What’s u- Oh really?” Stiles sassed as he saw Sean and the blonde trying to cover herself. Brett came into the room and went to launch at him but was quickly held back by Scott and Liam.

“I suggest you leave before I decide that letting Brett loose wouldn’t be so bad.” Scott threatened as Sean pulled on his pants. You couldn’t speak or move you were vaguely aware that someone had pulled you into their arms, as soon as the smell hit you, you knew it was Brett and finally looked up to see his worrying eyes.

“Screw this.” You heard some say behind you and suddenly you saw Sean laying on the floor with a bloody nose. You looked up shocked to see it was Stiles who had punched him, everyone else looked just as shocked, he glanced at us before shrugging.

“What you guys weren’t gonna do anything about it.” He retaliated a smirk making its way to his face. After Sean left Brett carried you downstairs, making his way to the table outside. He sat down and placed you down on his lap and waited for the pack to take a seat.

“Okay so let’s make this night more interesting.” Brett grunted digging into his pocket bringing out a small bag that appeared to contain 3 blunts.

“You know werewolves can’t get high right?” You snorted.

“With this stuff they can, Satomi introduced it to me when we were traveling.” Brett smirked at Scott who was making grabby hands like a little kid who wanted some candy.

You couldn’t stop laughing an hour later, you leaned into Brett would was also laughing uncontrollably, his hands gripping you tightly as Stiles started talking about random shit his voice rising higher as he got more into the explanation. The party started dying out but that didn’t stop you and the pack having fun. That fun was soon ruined when Derek showed up.

“Are you guys high?” He asked as soon as everyone realised who had shut down the party.

“I dunno mom am I?” Scott’s voice went deep as he mocked Derek.

“Did you just quote Vampire Diaries?” Derek deadpanned making everyone stop before they started laughing.

“Derek watches Vampire Diaries!” You screeched burying your head into Brett’s chest as you tried to control your laughing. Isaac was dragged home by Derek that’s when everyone else decided to leave too. You laughed as you almost tripped up over nothing, you leant down and plucked off your heels so you could prevent it from happening again.

“Nice ass.” You heard Brett say behind you making Scott burst out laughing again.

“Nice everything.” You responded as you spun around, sending him a playful wink. You knew you should be sad about Sean right now but with all the warnings you weren’t. You saw it coming and your friends helped get your mind off it all. You spun around and went to catch up with Kira, Mason and Cory as Brett, Scott and Liam trailed behind you all.

You arrived at your house first, bidding everyone good night you strolled inside. Making your way up to your bedroom. You stripped your dress down leaving you in just panties.

“Maybe I should announce my presence.” You heard Brett’s voice behind you, causing you to jump and spin around forgetting you had no bra on.

“Jesus Christ.” He groaned as he looked you up and down, you looked down and squeaked before covering your breasts.

“What are you doing in my bed?” You snapped softly, trying to cross your legs since you knew your panties were see through.

“I wanted to check you were okay?” He responded gently.

“I’m fine.” You responded just as gently, you shot him a small smile as you decided to drop your hands to see his reaction. He bite his lip as he looked you up and down. You smirked at him before making you way over to your draws to grab a t-shirt, you pulled out a baggy top but before you could put it on Brett was behind you, his hands gripping your hips. You gasped as his hands ran down the front of your thighs.

“Brett what are y-you doing?” You stuttered as his hands crawled back up your legs resting on your hips once again.

“Right now nothing.” He stated as his hands gripped your hips tighter.

“What are you going to doing?” You rephrased the question.

“That all depends on you.” He spun you round and pressed you against your draws, caging you in with his arms. You took a deep breath trying to gain the courage for what you wanted to say, thankfully because you were still high it came out quite easily.

“And if I tell you I want you to fuck me so hard I forget my name?” Instead on answering you he pulled you against his chest and brought his lips down to meet yours. The kiss was sweet and you soon melted into it, your arms wrapping around his neck. The kiss soon became more forceful and passionate which made you knee’s buckle but Brett caught you before lifting you up and wrapping your legs around him.

Your hands tugged at his hair, as his lips moved against yours. His hand slid to your ass and he carried you over to your bed, he broke the kiss and dropped you on the bed causing you to squeal. He chuckled at the sound but moved to hover over you. He brushed your hair out the way leaning down and kissing your forehead.

“Tell me if you want to stop, okay?” He asked gently as his left hand ran through your hair and the other supported him, you nodded softly before he started placing small kisses on your neck. You bit your lip when his kisses turned to bites. His hand started to drag down your chest stopping to run over you nipples making you whimper. You thought now would be a good time to tell him you were still a virgin but you didn’t want to in case he stopped.

“B-Brett…” You couldn’t tell him you were scared.

“Hmm?” He mumbled as his mouth latched onto your left breast, sucking gently.

“I-I’m…I’ve n-never…” You tried to say it but the words couldn’t come out only moans and whines. Suddenly he pulled back as if he finally realised what you were trying to say. He looked at you shocked his hands pulling away from you causing you to whimper.

“But I thought you slept with Jason last year after the winter formal.” His statement sound more like a question but you just shook your head.

“I couldn’t…I got scared and made him stop, t-that’s why we broke up.” You stuttered tears welling in your eyes as you looked at him, knowing he would want to stop. You looked away slightly but when you looked back expecting pity all you saw was lust, making your eyes widen. A smirk formed on his face as his hands made their way back to your breast. You gasped as his other hand let go of your right breast and began moving down your stomach.

“Good it means I can ruin you for anyone else.” Brett whispered huskily into your ear as his hand slid beneath your underwear, his middle finger running along your slit. You gripped his broad shoulders letting out a soft whine as his middle finger entered you. His other hand still massaging your left breast as his tongue drew shapes onto your skin. He slid his finger in and out before adding a second one then he did something that made you almost jump away from him.

“W-What was that?” You panted as his finger pulled out slightly before pushing back in crooking his finger again making you moaned loudly.

“You mean that?” He chuckled, you just nodded in response and he kept rubbing that same spot, your hand covering you mouth trying to stop the moans from coming out.

“That’s your g-spot babe.” He smirked as he continued his ministrations, he took his spare hand off your breast and gripped your wrist making you uncover your mouth. He sat up and moved his hands to a different position, his finger now moving in a rough upwards motion which if you saw it from someone else’s point of view it would look like he was being too rough but all you felt was pure ecstasy. Your body started to involuntarily twitch, no matter how much you tried to stop it you couldn’t. Brett bit his lip as he watched you unravel, you’ve had an orgasm before but as you built up you realised you’d never had one like this. When you finally unravelled you clung to Brett like he was your life line.

“S-Shit! Brett..” You screamed in pleasure.

You finally started to come down from your high, still clinging to Brett as he stroked your hair soothing you. Once you had stopped shaking you looked up at him with wide eyes. He sent you a cheeky grin before he attacked your lips with his after a few minutes he pulled away and got off the bed. He reached into his pocket grabbing what looked like a condom before making his way back to you.

“You sure about this?” He asked softly as he knelt in front of you, in between your legs.

“Yes I want you…” You whispered, your face flushing slightly, he nodded and rolled on the condom. He leaned down aligning himself with your entrance before lacing your hands together. As he pushed in past the barrier you squeezed his hand in pain. You looked at his hand to see Brett was taking the pain away. You looked up at him with a thankful smile.

“You can move.” You whispered into his ear after a minute of waiting. He let go of your hand and wrapped your arm around his neck as he started moving. You gripped onto him as he used on arm for support and the other to hold you close. He started moving at a slow yet firm rhythm, he was groaning and panting in your ear which only served to turn you on further.

“B-Brett, feels good…” you moaned into his ear, biting his ear lobe softly.

“I know baby, you feel so amazing.” He groaned against the skin on your shoulder as you started to feel yourself build again.

“I’m c-close.” You gasped which made Brett move to press his thumb against your clit as he sped up his thrusts. He pulled back to look into you Y/E/C eyes, his bright blue ones boring into yours. You moved one hand to caress his cheek as he bit his lips his eyebrows furrowing slightly, the sight made you moan as you came for the second time that night. As you came around him he leaned down and kissed you as soon as he kissed you he let out a small husky groan. After his thrusts slowed he pulled back from the kiss before he pulled out slowly. He pulled the condom off and putting it in the bin before pulling back the covers and tucking you into his chest.

“Will you be mine?” Brett muttered against your hair as he placed a soft kiss there. You pulled away and looked up at him with a grin firmly placed on your face.

“Yes I would love to.” You responded before he pulled you down for a sweet kiss.

Q: How are you today?
A: Good … thank you !! Though THIS traffic …. #shame

Q: How many days till you are able to go home?
A: Just a bit over a month … counting down the days !!! #summerfun

Q: #AskClaire are you watching anything good? Binge worthy? 
A: Did someone say @SHO_TwinPeaks

Q: Where’s Eddie while you’re away? You must miss him! 
A: I do miss HER … (i won’t let her know you made that mistake !!) She’s waiting in Scotland for some SA treats !!

Q: You gonna be long? #onbehalfofmycompadres 
A: If I said another hour …. would you a) cry b) explode c) just go home ..????

Q: What do you consider to be your best scene from Season 3?
A: 🌴…. that’s a clue !!!

Q: What book are you currently reading? #AskClaire #Outlander
A: Mirror, Shoulder, Signal …or is it Mirror, Signal, Shoulder … anyway .. It’s GOOD.

Q: Will you get time off this summer before Season 4 filming begins?
A: Well I’d better … I hear people might want us to promote it #AskClaire

Q: What’s been your favorite thing you’ve learned since coming to South Africa to film? #AskClaire #Outlander
A: People’s incredible capacity to forgive and heal … and that it’s a process … LOVE SA ❤

Q: When will you come to France ? #AskClaire 
A: Soon, I hope !!

Keep reading

history of the entire world, I guess starters (pt 1)
  • ❛  You’re on a rock floating in space.  ❜
  • ❛  Pretty cool, huh ?  ❜
  • ❛  Some of it’s water. fuck it, actually, most of it’s water.  ❜
  • ❛  I can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s sad. I’m sad. I miss you.  ❜
  • ❛  How did this happen ?  ❜
  • ❛  A long time ago - actually, never. and also now.  ❜
  • ❛  Nothing is no where.  ❜
  • ❛  Makes sense, right ?  ❜
  • ❛  Like I said, it didn’t happen.  ❜
  • ❛  Nothing was never anywhere, that’s why it’s been everywhere.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s been so everywhere you don’t even need a where. You don’t even need a when.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s how ‘every’ it gets.  ❜
  • ❛  Forget this.  ❜
  • ❛  I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something.  ❜
  • ❛  I want things to change !  ❜
  • ❛  I want to invent time and space.  ❜
  • ❛  I know it’s possible because everything is here.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s probably already happened.  ❜
  • ❛  I just don’t know when to start.  ❜
  • ❛  And that’s exactly where it started.  ❜
  • ❛  Woah, I paused it.  ❜
  • ❛  I think there’s a universe now.  ❜
  • ❛  What’s it made of ?  ❜
  • ❛  Ah, that’s a thing. In a place.  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t like it ? Try a new place at a different time.  ❜
  • ❛  Some of them even doubled up.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s a star !  ❜
  • ❛  New shit just got made.  ❜
  • ❛  Some stars burn out and die, bigger stars burn out and die with PASSION !  ❜
  • ❛  Holy shit we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.  ❜
  • ❛  It kinda made a mess.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.  ❜
  • ❛  Now there’s hot steam in the sky.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: it’s raining.  ❜
  • ❛  Severe flooding alert ! the entire world is now an ocean.  ❜
  • ❛  There’s life in the ocean.  ❜
  • ❛  Something’s alive in the ocean !  ❜
  • ❛  oh, cool, like a plant or an animal ?  ❜
  • ❛  It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup.  ❜
  • ❛  Oh, yeah, and it can do that.  ❜
  • ❛  It has secret instructions inside itself telling itself how to build another one of itself.  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean ?  ❜
  • ❛  Now you can eat sunlight !  ❜
  • ❛  Using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food.  ❜
  • ❛  Taste the Sun !  ❜
  • ❛  Side affect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue.  ❜
  • ❛  Wow that’s animals and stuff.  ❜
  • ❛  Hey can we go on land ?  ❜
  • ❛  The sun is a deadly lazer.  ❜
  • ❛  Nope ! Can’t walk yet.  ❜
  • ❛  There’s no food yet so I don’t care.  ❜
  • ❛  Learn to use an egg.  ❜
  • ❛  I was already doing that.  ❜
  • ❛  And now everything’s huge.  ❜
  • ❛  oh fuck, now everything’s dead.  ❜
  • ❛  Here are the survivors. Keep your eyes on this one.  ❜
  • ❛  Yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it. It does that all the time.  ❜
  • ❛  and the dinosaurs are gone.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s mammal time, here come the mammals !  ❜
  • ❛  Look at those breasts !  ❜
  • ❛  Now they’re gonna dominate the world.  ❜
  • ❛  One of them just learned how to grab stuff.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s a human person !  ❜
  • ❛  And now they’re everywhere.  ❜
  • ❛  Well I guess we’re stuck here now.  ❜
  • ❛  Let’s review: there’s people on the planet and they’re chasing their food.  ❜
  • ❛  Fuck it. Time to plant some grass.  ❜
  • ❛  Look at this. I control the food now.  ❜
  • ❛  Now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.  ❜
  • ❛  This is great ! I wonder if anyone else is doing this ?  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of using rocks for everything ? Use metal !  ❜
  • ❛  It’s underground.  ❜
  • ❛  Better farming was just invented in a sweet, dank valley right in between these two rivers.  ❜
  • ❛  Guess what happens next !  ❜
  • ❛  Coming soon to a dank river valley near you !  ❜
  • ❛  Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere the horse is probably being tamed.  ❜
  • ❛  Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy ?  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of using lame, sad metal ?  ❜
  • ❛  I don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.  ❜
  • ❛  Meanwhile, out in the middle of no where they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.  ❜
  • ❛  Now we’re getting somewhere.  ❜
  • ❛  You could make a religion out of this.  ❜
  • ❛  And they believe in god.  ❜
  • ❛  He’s got, like, a ten step program.  ❜
  • ❛  Wow, that’s big.  ❜
  • ❛  Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened.  ❜
  • ❛  This guy who sat under a tree for so long he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying.  ❜
  • ❛  He was great, and now he’s dead.  ❜
  • ❛  Get the hell out of here.  ❜
  • ❛  Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants ?  ❜
  • ❛  And they’ve got spices !  ❜
  • ❛  Fuck you, obey the law.  ❜
  • ❛  Then it broke again.  ❜
  • ❛  Hell yeah ! Now we got business.  ❜
  • ❛  Is loving Jesus legal yet ?  ❜
  • ❛  No … actually, ok, sure.  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t worry about Rome, it won’t fall.  ❜
  • ❛  What’s a barbarian ?  ❜
  • ❛  Here’s a huge city, population: everyone.  ❜
  • ❛  Your gods are all fake.  ❜
  • ❛  Everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.  ❜
  • ❛  The Roman Empire is long gone but somehow the Pope is still the Pope.  ❜
  • ❛  Someone owns that now.  ❜
Ne:

I was having a discussion with ENTP fellow schemer for world domination friend on Ne-dom, and how it can be frustrating to try and express Ne in a way others can understand. We got into a chat about reality vs. Ne expectations (basically, think of the biggest, most dramatic positive conclusion you can, and you’re halfway there) and he sent me this.

If reality is the “actual” method, Ne expectations are the Indy method:

Ne does that, all the time; it goes for the biggest, most dramatic, most coolest interpretation / expectation ever

It’s not just “I’m gonna write a novel, and it will take me months or even years and be lots of hard work, and then I might achieve mediocre success with it,” it’s “I’m gonna write a novel, and it’ll be a best seller, and they’ll make a miniseries out of it, and I’ll be famous, and on Jay Leno!” *

It’s “Gosh, I hope in 34 years when I’m President, they don’t find out I copied that library CD!” (When you are literally the worst at follow through and don’t even want to be president, but dude, things bite you in the butt later and since you are clearly going to be famous someday, you need to be careful!)

Someone says PICNIC and Ne thinks of the most incredible picnic ever, with a gorgeous setting and amazing food and neat little picnic tables, where they will either be heroic or meet their one true love, and you get there and it’s a crappy little spot near a trickle of water they call a ‘stream’ and the sandwiches aren’t even that good, they’re just normal, and Ne goes – this is it?!?

Someone says we’re going HERE, and Ne builds up this amazing thing in their head, and when you get there, it’s nothing near like you imagined it would be, because in your imagination it was the most amazing thing ever and in reality it’s … ordinary.

If reality is a pile of rocks, Ne expectations are a Gothic castle full of enchanted furniture with a fire-breathing dragon on the roof and a wizard in the basement and some heroic role for them to fulfill, because dammit, reality is boring.

The object ceases to be what it is, and is polished under Ne’s “it would be so much BETTER if…”

Ne is, literally, only gobsmacked when something is so magnificent, their imagination cannot improve on it. :P

* I should probably also mention that mediocrity is death for a Ne-dom. It’s either total disaster (no one cares) or world-famous (with stalkers and journalists hounding you), there’s no middle ground. :P

We could make a religion out of this....

hi.

you’re on a rock floating in space.

pretty cool, huh?

some of it’s water.

fuck it, actually most of it’s water.

i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.

it’s sad.

i’m sad.

i miss you.

how did this happen?

a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.

when?

never.

makes sense, right?

like i said, it didn’t happen.

nothing was never anywhere.

that’s why it’s been everywhere.

it’s been so everywhere you don’t need a where.

you don’t even need a when.

that’s how every it gets.

forget this.

i wanna be something.

go somewhere.

do something.

i want things to change.

i want to invent time and space.

and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.

i just don’t know when to start.

and that’s exactly where it started.

whoah, i paused it.

i think there’s a universe now.

what’s it made of?

quarks & stuff

ah, that’s a thing.

in a place.

don’t like it?

try a new place.

at a different time™.

try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.

and emptier.

but it’s not empty yet.

it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

great news!

the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron

and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still too

HOT

great news!

the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.

and some of them even doubled up.

great news, the electrons have now joined in

congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.

but it’s getting closer together.

and it’s getting closer together.

and it’s getting closer toge-

it’s a star

new shit just got made!

some stars burn out and die.

bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

space dust

which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into

even crazier space dust

so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.

like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.

and it kind of made a mess.

which is

now the moon

weather update:

it’s raining rocks from outer space.

weather update:

those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there’s hot steam in the sky.

weather update:

cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update:

it’s raining.

severe flooding alert:

the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert:

that’s land!

there’slifeintheocean

what?

something’s alive in the ocean

oh cool, like a plant or an animal?

no, a microscopic speck.

it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

oh yeah, and it can do that.

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.

so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

now you can eat sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

taste the sun

side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue.

then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

it’s a sponge.

it’s a plant.

it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it’s the Cambrian explosion

“wow, that’s animals and stuff”

but we’re still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?

no

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there’s a blanket

now the animals can go on land.

come on, animals, let’s go on land!

nope, can’t walk yet.

and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.

ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?

maybe, said some bugs, and fish.

ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to

have babies

learn to use an egg.

i was already doing that.

use a stronger egg.

put water in it.

have a baby, on land, in an egg.

water is in the egg.

baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me.

bye bye ocean

and now everything’s huge.

including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land?

sure.

oh fuck, now everything’s dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors.

keep your eye on this one because it’s about to become the dinosaurs.

here’s another map of the land.

yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time.

here comes a meteor.

and the dinosaurs are gone

it’s mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they’re gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.

and walk.

no, like, walk like that.

and grab stuff at the same time.

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

“ouch”

and set things on fire.

“yeouch”

and make crazy sounds with their voice.

“gneurshk”

which can mean different things.

that’s a human person

and now they’re everywhere.

almost.

ice age

what, you can walk over here?

cool.

not anymore

well i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review.

there’s people on the planet.

and they’re chasing their food.

fuck it, time to plant some grass.

look at this.

i control the food now.

now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.

let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired of using rocks for everything?

use metal.

it’s underground.

better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.

and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next

more food.

and more people who came to buy the food.

now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.

and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power.

Society

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal?

introducing

Bronze

made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.

i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.

also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.

now we’re getting somewhere.

also

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop.

it’s the people with the horses.

and they made an empire.

and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks

ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.

let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization.

they’re gone.

guess who’s not gone?

china

new arrivals in india, maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff

you could make a religion out of this.

there’s the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find?

thanks.

look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.

and they believe in God

just 1 though, he’s got like a ten step program.

here’s some huge heads.

must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies.

the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.

the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire.

never mind, it’s the babylonian- median-

it’s the Persian Empire

“wow, that’s big”

ah, the buddha was just enlightened.

who’s the buddha?

this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying.

you could make a religion out of this.

oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.

it’s a great idea.

he was great.

and now he’s dead.

hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.

will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?

ok thanks, bye

time to conquer all of india

or

most of india

but what about this part?

that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.

who are the tamil kings?

merchants, probably

and they’ve got spices

who would like to buy the spices?

me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.

actually, they have three main philosophies.

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.

greekification overload!

bye, said the parthians.

bye, said the jews.

hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.

thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

hi, everything’s great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.

you could make a religion out of this.

want silk?

now you can buy it from china.

they just made a

brand new road to the world

or you can

get there on water

sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.

i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.

remember the persian empire?

yep, said the persians, making a new one.

axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet?

let’s do it together.

china is whole again

then it broke again

still can’t cross the sahara desert?

try camels.

hell yeah! now we’ve got business

said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves

hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?

no.

actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

main rival

don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.

it’s the golden age of india

there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.

first name chandra.

the first.

guess who’s in rome?

barbarians

what’s a barbarian?

non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.

r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh and here’s a huge city, population: everyone

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.

great job, göktürks.

how’s india?

broken.

how’s china?

back together

how’s those trading kingdoms?

bigger, and there’s more of them

korea has 3 kingdoms.

japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed’s ear.

so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.

and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.

you could make a religion out of this.

and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.

plus there’s

new kingdoms all over europe

i wonder if there’s room for moors.

here’s all the wisdom.

in a house.

it’s the baghdad house of wisdom.

just in time for the

islamic golden age

let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?

someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.

surprise! you’re the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.

then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.

but the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have much time, are exploring.

they go north, from the north to the northern north.

and they find some land.

two types of land.

and they name them accordingly.

they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.

there’s the rus.

the kievan rus.

are they vikings?

i don’t think so, said the kievan rus.

ok, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors.

of the “roman empire”.

the holy roman empire.

it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it.

new kingdoms.

christianize all the kingdoms

which brand would you like?

mine’s better.

mine’s better.

mine’s better.

time to conquer england, said william.

it’s a bird, it’s a plane

it’s the seljuk turks

aah! said the byzantine empire who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore.

we need help!

they need help, so they call the pope.

hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?

maybe take back the holy land on the way?

come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.

yes, i do actually want to do that.

let’s do a crusade.

crusade

they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail.

but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans.

hello toltecs

goodbye toltecs.

hello mississippi

look at those mounds.

there’s the pueblo.

i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.

guess who’s here?

khmer.

where?

here.

and pagan is there.

vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing.

and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.

nice going, Genghis!

i bet that will last a long time.

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time?

i think it’s tonga time.

i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.

look at this chad.

means “lake”.

there’s an empire there.

right in the middle of

Africa

the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know.

wow, that guy’s rich, everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.

please remain christian.

we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.

whoops, half of europe just died.

ming

china’s back, yay!

hey khmer, time to share.

new kingdoms here and there.

oh, look who controls all the islands.

it’s the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

majapahit?

oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.

it’s kinda like a rebirth.

here’s a printer.

let’s make books.

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?

yep, said the ottoman turks.

nice job, ottoman turks.

whoops, you missed a spot.

don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

what? that’s bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.

well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india

wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.

if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.

nah, don’t worry, we already got this, said portugal.

so chris goes to spain.

hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?

no.

please?

no.

please?

no.

please?

ok.

so he sails into the ocean.

and discovers more ocean.

and then discovers the indies.

and japan.

let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.

i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?

the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.

move over lithuania, here comes moscow.

ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.

persia just made persia persian again.

let’s make it the other kind of islam.

the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

hey christians!

do you sin?

now you can buy your way out of hell.

that’s bullshit.

this whole thing is bullshit.

that’s a scam.

fuck the church.

here’s 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.

you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?

what if the ottoman empire was really big?

which it is now.

what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.

and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.

damn, said england and france.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.

damn, said amsterdam.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

question 1: can you get to india through north america?

no, but at least there’s beaver.

question 2: steal the spice trade.

that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

sugar

guess where all the sugar’s made?

in brazil.

stolen

and the caribbean.

and it’s so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.

more specifically, ohio.

then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss.

but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss?

yes they did.

it’s britain.

guess who’s broke?

also britain.

so they start taxing the hell out of america.

fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.

and france helps them win, now france is broke.

and britain’ll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli- no, don’t.

haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.

especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

why didn’t we think of this before?

wait, who’s in charge of france now?

me

said napoleon, trying to take over europe.

luckily, they banished him to an island.

but he came back

luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.

so now they can make

many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast

then they invent some trains.

and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

hey, china! said britain.

buy stuff from us!

nah dude, we already got everything, says china.

so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.

which worked, actually.

but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.

britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.

also, the

sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now

“that’s just where he lives”

india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.

technology is about to go crazy

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

it’s bad, they decided.

and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

i know, let’s rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

theynevergotethiopia

britain and france are still hungry.

theynevergotthailand

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more.

hawaii

cuba

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war!

what should we blame on spain?

let’s blame the maine on spain.

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we’re in business.

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east.

itmakescarsgo

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.

europe hasn’t had a war since the last war.

so they start world war 1.

look at those guns.

it’s gonna be a great war.

so great we won’t need a second one.

after it’s over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.

now everyone’s paycheck is the same.

communism

in the soviet union

the arabs revolt and britain helps.

now the ottoman empire’s gone so we can give the

jewish people a place to live

hopefully the arabs won’t mind.

let’s cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.

except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey

and then the saudis conquer arabia.

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

hello?

yes, it’s the 1920’s calling.

let’s get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.

the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever, just kidding.

germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.

and he’s mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard.

they should probably just deny it.

hitler’s out of control.

so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

that’s world war 2

bonus round!

pacific showdown.

united states vs. japan.

fight!

finish him

let’s unite all the nations and have some

world peace

seems legit.

hi, i’m gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m gonna starve myself in public.

wow, that worked?

bonus, now there’s pakistan.

actually two pakistans.

one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.

me, they both said at the same time.

let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.

sike, they both get angrier

look out china, there’s a new china in china.

what’s on the menu?

communism!

no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.

i wonder which one is the real china?

there’s the korean war, korea versus korea.

nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever.

let’s meet the sponsors.

oh, it’s the two global superpowers.

they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.

and they both have atom bombs.

fight!

wait, no, that would be the end of the world.

let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

i’ll race you to space.

now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.

so here’s a new map, with new countries.

now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.

they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees.

south africa might need another minute to think about it.

let’s check the world population.

whoa.

okay.

technology’s better too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don’t feel like it.

let’s check the mail.

surprise, it’s on the computer.

whoops, someone just attacked america.

i bet they’ll remember that.

phone call.

surprise, it’s in your pocket.

wanna learn everything?

surprise, it’s on the computer.

now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket.

whoops, the economy just crashed.

don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail because they’re not supposed to.

surprise!

flying robots.

with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends.

some people have no food.

the globe is warming

and the ocean is full of plastic

let’s save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.

let’s invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.

that’s pretty cool.

by the way, where the hell are we?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuCn8ux2gbs&t=329s

More MBTI Questions I Need Answers to

DISCLAIMER: I legit need answers actually hahaha, if you can comment that’d be great because MY CURIOSITY NEEDS TO BE QUENCHEDDD  ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

ISFJ
- how do I adjust your preprogrammed cookie instructions so that I don’t die from coronary heart disease after eating all your cookies? That stick of butter y'all put into them got my arteries going like @.@
- can I have some more cookies pls? I ate all 12 of them in one sitting
- how often would you like to set your ‘it’s normal to feel insecure’ reminder?

INFJ
- will you come with me to this party 3 weeks from now? I promise to never leave your side and I heard there will be pets there (my attempt at bribery)
- how do you have the best hugs? what is your secret?!?!?!? I MUST KNOWWW
- how are all of you so uniquely artistic? Every INFJ I know does some kind of knitting, oil painting, guitar playing on the side and THEY’RE EXTREMELY GOOD AT WHAT THEY DOO

ISFP
- How do animals know to approach you for your mystical blessing (i.e. legendary head rub that makes all the animals kneel before you in praise)?
- y'all have such colourful outfits! Can you share your wardrobe with me?
- is there a cap on the number of art forms you dabble in or is it more like all ISFPs gets at least one?

ESFJ
- can I come with you to Thursday’s yoga class? I don’t have a matching yoga mat, but I’ll bring you that soy drink that you’ve been wanting to try
- how is your social media game so on point? TEACH MEH YOUR WAYSSS
- do you ever randomly forget someone’s name while talking to them? Because that happens to me wayyyy more than it should

INFP
- is there a daily tears limit or is it more like a you must meet a certain quota by the end of the month?
- how many years are you granted Special Snowflake status? Or do you renew it every 5 years or something?
- do y'all come out of the womb knowing how to make flower crowns or what? THEY’RE TOO PRETTY TO EXIST HOWWW??!?!?!

INTJ
- on a scale from 1 (“I never do this”)  to 10 (“what does it feel like to not do this?”), how often do you think about world domination?
- is it possible to like puzzles but also suck really badly at them? Because that’s me T__T
- how often do you wonder about whether or not you messed up a social interaction? how often is too often? oh crap, my INTJ just lagged a little bit, DON’T BLUE SCREEEN NOOOOOOOOOO

ISTJ
- Are y'all anti-change or just pro-routine? because there’s a difference apparently *eyes ENTJ*
- HELPPPP my ISTJ is stuck in a loop/routine!! Is this normal?
- From all the mbti types, pick one to clean your house according to your instructions, one to walk your dog, and one who’s house might collapse into itself from the hoarding unless you intervene

ISTP
- where are y'all at? I don’t know enough ISTPs
- did you have fun last Friday night? 😉
- how do all of you have this sexy smouldering thing going on?!?! I CAN’T NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH ALL OF YOUUUU

INTP
- how many hours did you sleep last night? Aim for 8 next time 🙂
- list me your 5 most recent wiki page visits .. I need stuff to do … and researching about a random obscure science thing sounds like a fun Tuesday
- are the science functions pre-installed or is it only calculus that’s pre-installed? How do I upgrade these functions?

ESTJ:
- Of all the mbti types, pick one to be your employee, your significant other, and your child
- HOW MANY SUITS DO YOU OWN?!?! Can you lend me one?
- describe your ideal workplace environment (are you turned on by this question?)

ENTJ:
- do you get an adrenaline rush when you bulldoze during an argument? because I totally feel that
- what does an ENTJ mating ritual look like? (i.e. how do you act around your crush? or no diff because can’t run StrongFeelings.exe?)
- I think my ENTJ is broken, it keeps running IsolationMode.exe! How do I fix it?!?! T____T

ESTP
- HEY ESTP! WHERE IS THE PARTY AT!?! Please take me with you, I’ll dance on the porch outside your house if I have to
- how do you feel about manuals? or do you just set them on fire? can we do a group manual burning? *ISTJs are probably having a heart attack*
- Pick one mbti type to kiss, one to marry, and one to have casual sex with

ENTP
- name me ONE project you’ve ever finished that wasn’t for school/work (y'all get so excited when you start a new project but the old projects feel neglected AF y'know)
- Since you’re the Meme Lord(ess), if you marry a commoner, are they Duchess of Memes or Lady Meme? or Lord Meme? (just throwing that in real quick before the I see pitchforks outside mah house)
- how do y'all have so much air to debate for as long as you do? do ENTPs have unique genetic mutations that allow for larger lung capacity? do y'all double as Olympic swimmers too?

ENFJ
- where do all of our secrets go after we tell them to you? do you have a personalized file on each of us that you flip through from time to time as a bedtime story or what?
- why do all of you want me to reveal my emotional wounds? Is that the equivalent of foreplay or something?
- how do I install PersonalSpace.exe onto my ENFJ?

ENFP
- how do you have sooooooo many tabs open?!?!?
- do pets come to you or do you come to pets?
- will you take me with you on your next spontaneous surprise trip to Tokyo? All my bags are already packed, just tell me what day we’re going

ESFP
- why do y'all always smell nice? can I bottle your scent or something?
- do you take dance lessons or is dancing well just a feature of all ESFPs?
- have you seen my butt? Because you’re sexy AF and I’d like to give you permission to dance within 2 ft of it

Love is mysterious

Originally posted by swagmama


“How could you, the most innocent person ever be in love with Elijah mikealson?” Caroline asked. We were currently in the living room of Salvatore house.

 “What do you mean?” “His an original. His killed thousands of people and, you could not even harm an ant.” Caroline was always full of questions, maybe that’s why I loved her. She was so curious, creative and, caring. Unlike me, I was always to shy and nervous.

 “Love is mysterious, it works in funny ways. Lijah brings out a side to me I thought was never there. When I’m with him there’s just a connection, like two puzzle pieces that go together. He gets me out of my comfort place, out of my little shell. It’s like I’m a different person with him, not the innocent shy one everyone knows me as, but a strong confident one that Elijah know I can be” I let my heart speak for me, no caring what anyone thought about me. Also having no idea Elijah was on the other side of the front door hearing everything.

 "I just figured, that people like that would never find love"

 "People like what Caroline? Yes, he has killed many times. He kills to survive, like any other vampire. The difference between you and him is that your ashamed of what you are and his not.“ I said sounding very pissed. Grabbing my bag, and exiting.

 I opened the door to see my wonderful boyfriend on the other side. "Hello” He said. “How much of that did you hear” you quietly asked, looking down at the floor. “All of that” he lifted my head up.

 "That was very brave of you. I know how you feel about, standing up to your friends.“ "I couldn’t let her keep talking about you like you some sort of animal Lijah. That just wasn’t right” I said, embracing him in a hug.

 ****

 Elijah and I, where at his house. We were going to have dinner with his family tonight. I kept glancing at my reflection in the mirror. I was super nervous, I had meet them before but just briefly.

 "You don’t have to be so nervous, they’ll love you. Trust me, they’ll love you as much as I do.“ Lijah said, walking from behind me and wrapping his arms around me. He always knew exactly what to say to calm me down.

 **** 

 We sitting all at the dinner table, Lijah and his siblings having small chat. "So Y/n, how’s your confidence going” Kluas asked, everyone knew I had a problem with my confidence.

 "I don’t know, How’s world domination going" I said, quietly. They all laughed even Kluas.

 "How do you people say know a days, lol! Elijah, I like her. Don’t scare her away" Rebekah said.

 "I wouldn’t dare of scaring her away, she’s the love of my life.“ Lijah said, grabbing my hand. 

 I knew I was going to marry this man one day


//Don’t be afraid to request something // Go check out my other imagines//

I wonder what everyone who says they don’t see a rebuild this season will say when Olicity reunites 🤔

…then I realize what they’ll probably do is say “this came out of nowhere! they just threw this together to try to save ratings/appease the shippers!”

…and that will be the final step in them becoming exactly like the LL/OQ shippers and comic stans who insisted that Olicity “came out of nowhere” in season 3 and who have been lamenting fanservice all this time. They will have officially become that which they used to hate. 

(5:41pm, edited to add: I don’t like to edit or delete posts because, most times, I stand by everything I say, but it’s come to my attention I need to clarify these first two paragraphs. There’s been some misunderstanding of what it is I’m actually saying here. I’m not comparing fans who disagree with seeing a rebuild to LL/comic stans. I am not saying that fans who disagree with what I say below hate Olicity like LL/comic stans either. I am saying that if, when Olicity reunite, this small segment of fans say the above statements, that I feel there’s a comparison to the same statements made by LL/comic stans in the past. Not the hating Olicity part, the part about claiming fanservice and “came out of nowhere”. It’s about the rhetoric used. No disrespect was intended towards any Olicity fans currently, it was simply my intention to express a hope that this not be the rhetoric spread. I said it in a way that was easy to misinterpret, I think. What I said below is the meat of the matter here: that it’s okay to disagree with seeing a rebuild. That I don’t mind people who don’t agree with me. That it’s okay to have different opinions on this. If you take away anything from this post, that should be it. The above was a musing I had after seeing a post here on Tumblr and me wondering what might be the spin from those fans, and hoping that wasn’t the case. That is all.)

PSA: It’s not just actor ad-libs that have given us the Olicity moments and the hints of rebuild this season. It wasn’t an ad-lib that put that (albeit corny) flashback in 509. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had Oliver tell Felicity they were a mortal lock. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had Oliver seeing Felicity in the Dominator dream-world and flashing back to their relationship and how that was supposed to mean something to him. It wasn’t an ad-lib that Oliver chose to protect Felicity against Black Siren instead of face off against Prometheus. Or any of the other times he’s exhibited protectiveness and concern about her. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had him running into her arms, that had that bright light of the blast shine over them as they embraced. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had them standing in that green light in 502, talking about what matters. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had John Diggle setting up the season long question to Oliver Queen in that facetime conversation in 501. What about you and Felicity? He doesn’t know. But the smile on his face said he had hope. That question was set up so that it would be answered. It was answered one way in 4x23. It will be answered in a different way by the time 5x23 is done, one way or another. 

I could go on and on but it comes down to this: I understand if some are reluctant to see the rebuild. Honestly, I get it. It’s been a year since they’ve been together and they don’t want to be patient. They’re frustrated with things that have happened to and between Oliver and Felicity. They feel disenfranchised. They don’t ship it anymore but aren’t sure how to pull away from fandom. Or they do ship it but don’t want to because they feel it brings them only pain. They get upset when they see other fans that do have hope, for a lot of different reasons but mostly because they can’t share that hope. They want to warn others off of it so they don’t get disappointed. Believe me, I get all of this. 

I’m not trying to make anyone change their mind and agree with me. I don’t care if anyone does, to be honest. It’s enough for me that I see the clear signs of the rebuild. The narrative makes sense to me. The practical business side of this makes sense to me. I don’t expect it to make sense to everyone and disagreement doesn’t bother me. So feel free to ignore this post. It won’t hurt my feelings. This post wasn’t meant for the people I mentioned in the previous paragraph anyhow.

But to the people who are open to interpretations of this season, to the people who are looking for reasons to hope, to the people who tell me all the time, often privately, that they appreciate the things I say and how I try to share my optimism with fandom: this post is for you

What's She Thinking?
  • ENFP: *whispered* I bet she's thinking about her farm... she's always planning for her farm.
  • ENTJ: *whispered* Nah, she's thinking about her blog... she's always brainstorming for her blog.
  • ESFJ: *whispered* I think she's thinking about world domination... she's always joking about how she's going to pull off world domination.
  • ENFP: Hey INTJ, what are you thinking about?
  • INTJ: I was just thinking how Harley Quinn had a doctorate in clinical psychology. That means she studied for 8-12 years and just like that *snaps* she gave it up! She probably hadn't been in practise very long so just think of the student loans!!!
  • ENFP, ENTJ, ESFJ: ...
  • INTJ: Then again... once she became a villain student loans probably weren't that high on her priority list... what?
  • ENFP, ENTJ, ESFJ: It's moments like these we're reminded you're human and it's awsome!!! :)

incorrecttrainerquotes  asked:

Compared with others Giovanni is probably the best Parent here and if you count Guzma as part of Lusamines plan one with the least destructive take on world domination.

isn’t sweeran just the most beautiful friendship you’ve ever heard of like i would literally sell my soul to get a glimpse of them hanging out and chatting about life and how they’re gonna dominate the world once again

I’ve talked a lot about good and evil and writing tips and an extra litmus I always like to put on any villainous plan I’m writing or conceptualizing is:

Does it make sense? Is this largely, a practical and coherent plan I could see someone coming up with? And if the person coming up with it is bent out of shape in a particular way, does it make sense with their biases and personal hangups?

Because unless your villain is a petty bully who just loves the suffering of others- making other people suffer is in fact a very tedious and resource-intensive thing. It’s like if you’re walking down the street on your way to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted and you personally have to stop and cut down every flower you encounter.

Nobody’s got time for that! Even people who hate flowers and nature are going to reach a point at like their third lilac bush and go “you know what? I have priorities. And standards. I’m an important person and there are things I care about more than how much I hate flowers. Like world domination. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing something about world domination?”

One of the biggest reasons many old-school cartoon villains are ridiculous to me is they seem to have no sense of urgency or priorities, like they’re personally compelled, they cannot possibly pass up the smallest act of cruelty. Their entire life is bent around enacting some arbitrary standard of unpleasantness around everything and everyone they encounter.

It doesn’t make them scary or threatening. It just makes them frankly ridiculous. It makes you wonder how in hell this person managed to become a villain and build an army in the first place. There are so many opportunities to be awful. The richest and most well-connected person in the world doesn’t have time for that. If anything, the richest and most well-connected person in the world would have even more of a reason to stop and look at the data sheets and go “I’m spending how much having my minions setting dandelions on fire?”

And yeah, villains are going to be petty. Villains are going to have weird hangups. But if their personality is nothing but an elaborate cluster of hangups- you have to consider these are weaknesses. These are ways the villain is being impractical. These are things your hero can exploit against them.

Consider Zarkon, in Legendary Defender, and his fixation on the Black Lion. In s2e5, Eye Of The Storm, Shiro sits down and makes a plan: They need to get Zarkon’s flagship away from the castle long enough for it to get to safety. Any prudent enemy would stay on the castle, as Haggar points out.

But Zarkon wants the Black Lion back. More than anything. He’s so used to winning he can’t deal with having his goal in front of his eyes and not chase it.

So? Voltron can basically just pop up in Zarkon’s field of vision and he will literally ignore Allura, ignore Coran, ignore his golden opportunity to hit the heroes right where they live and take out two integral members of the team. He has to chase the Black Lion. And, just as Shiro predicted, just as they were betting on- Zarkon ends up with nothing because making large scale military decisions on irrational personal fixations is a huge liability.

And this is my big issue with the writing of overly vindictive villains: there reaches a point where looking past all the shock and moral revulsion of what they’re doing, trying to understand it from their perspective where none of this is repulsive at all- it’s just… what are you even getting out of this? What do you possibly gain? Why are you sinking so much time and energy into doing this? There’s a villain having a nasty hobby and then there’s a villain who cannot stop shooting themselves in the foot for five seconds long enough to point the gun at the hero.

In which case it just falls into “you, the writer, are solving problems for your heroes that they haven’t earned just so you can make the audience cringe a little more at how nasty the villain is being.”

America: Stars are beautiful tonight.
Slovenia: You know what else is beautiful?
America: *blushes* what?
Slovenia: World domination.
America:
Slovenia:
America:
Slovenia: What?

*submitted by @tardisimpalatohogwarts

i know everyone is hype about bts getting votes for the bbma’s for the sake of their accomplishments but can we also talk about what this would do for asian representation in hollywood: a group of foreign korean men winning an award over nationally well-known artists???? the amazing irony that they could win, when hollywood has been sidelining asian-american representation in western media since forever would be gold.