a world domination how to

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

#ok but sana #is just a girl with a crush here #look at her little smile when she hears his name #look at her going to the mirror #and taking a deep breath #like saying you can do this #it’s not even been one episode #and we see how much sana is hiding her feelings and vulnerabilities #how she has put on a mask of fierceness #to hide from everyone #especially her friends #cause she doesn’t think they will understand #how much harder it is for her to live in a world dominated by sex #how much harder is for her to just like a boy #not knowing if he will ever wanna be with her #if she doesn’t offer him sex #how much harder it is for sana to express any kind of emotion #when it’s so different from what the society she lives considers ‘’normal’’

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

history of the entire world, I guess starters (pt 1)
  • ❛  You’re on a rock floating in space.  ❜
  • ❛  Pretty cool, huh ?  ❜
  • ❛  Some of it’s water. fuck it, actually, most of it’s water.  ❜
  • ❛  I can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s sad. I’m sad. I miss you.  ❜
  • ❛  How did this happen ?  ❜
  • ❛  A long time ago - actually, never. and also now.  ❜
  • ❛  Nothing is no where.  ❜
  • ❛  Makes sense, right ?  ❜
  • ❛  Like I said, it didn’t happen.  ❜
  • ❛  Nothing was never anywhere, that’s why it’s been everywhere.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s been so everywhere you don’t even need a where. You don’t even need a when.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s how ‘every’ it gets.  ❜
  • ❛  Forget this.  ❜
  • ❛  I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something.  ❜
  • ❛  I want things to change !  ❜
  • ❛  I want to invent time and space.  ❜
  • ❛  I know it’s possible because everything is here.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s probably already happened.  ❜
  • ❛  I just don’t know when to start.  ❜
  • ❛  And that’s exactly where it started.  ❜
  • ❛  Woah, I paused it.  ❜
  • ❛  I think there’s a universe now.  ❜
  • ❛  What’s it made of ?  ❜
  • ❛  Ah, that’s a thing. In a place.  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t like it ? Try a new place at a different time.  ❜
  • ❛  Some of them even doubled up.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s a star !  ❜
  • ❛  New shit just got made.  ❜
  • ❛  Some stars burn out and die, bigger stars burn out and die with PASSION !  ❜
  • ❛  Holy shit we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.  ❜
  • ❛  It kinda made a mess.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.  ❜
  • ❛  Now there’s hot steam in the sky.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: it’s raining.  ❜
  • ❛  Severe flooding alert ! the entire world is now an ocean.  ❜
  • ❛  There’s life in the ocean.  ❜
  • ❛  Something’s alive in the ocean !  ❜
  • ❛  oh, cool, like a plant or an animal ?  ❜
  • ❛  It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup.  ❜
  • ❛  Oh, yeah, and it can do that.  ❜
  • ❛  It has secret instructions inside itself telling itself how to build another one of itself.  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean ?  ❜
  • ❛  Now you can eat sunlight !  ❜
  • ❛  Using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food.  ❜
  • ❛  Taste the Sun !  ❜
  • ❛  Side affect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue.  ❜
  • ❛  Wow that’s animals and stuff.  ❜
  • ❛  Hey can we go on land ?  ❜
  • ❛  The sun is a deadly lazer.  ❜
  • ❛  Nope ! Can’t walk yet.  ❜
  • ❛  There’s no food yet so I don’t care.  ❜
  • ❛  Learn to use an egg.  ❜
  • ❛  I was already doing that.  ❜
  • ❛  And now everything’s huge.  ❜
  • ❛  oh fuck, now everything’s dead.  ❜
  • ❛  Here are the survivors. Keep your eyes on this one.  ❜
  • ❛  Yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it. It does that all the time.  ❜
  • ❛  and the dinosaurs are gone.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s mammal time, here come the mammals !  ❜
  • ❛  Look at those breasts !  ❜
  • ❛  Now they’re gonna dominate the world.  ❜
  • ❛  One of them just learned how to grab stuff.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s a human person !  ❜
  • ❛  And now they’re everywhere.  ❜
  • ❛  Well I guess we’re stuck here now.  ❜
  • ❛  Let’s review: there’s people on the planet and they’re chasing their food.  ❜
  • ❛  Fuck it. Time to plant some grass.  ❜
  • ❛  Look at this. I control the food now.  ❜
  • ❛  Now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.  ❜
  • ❛  This is great ! I wonder if anyone else is doing this ?  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of using rocks for everything ? Use metal !  ❜
  • ❛  It’s underground.  ❜
  • ❛  Better farming was just invented in a sweet, dank valley right in between these two rivers.  ❜
  • ❛  Guess what happens next !  ❜
  • ❛  Coming soon to a dank river valley near you !  ❜
  • ❛  Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere the horse is probably being tamed.  ❜
  • ❛  Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy ?  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of using lame, sad metal ?  ❜
  • ❛  I don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.  ❜
  • ❛  Meanwhile, out in the middle of no where they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.  ❜
  • ❛  Now we’re getting somewhere.  ❜
  • ❛  You could make a religion out of this.  ❜
  • ❛  And they believe in god.  ❜
  • ❛  He’s got, like, a ten step program.  ❜
  • ❛  Wow, that’s big.  ❜
  • ❛  Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened.  ❜
  • ❛  This guy who sat under a tree for so long he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying.  ❜
  • ❛  He was great, and now he’s dead.  ❜
  • ❛  Get the hell out of here.  ❜
  • ❛  Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants ?  ❜
  • ❛  And they’ve got spices !  ❜
  • ❛  Fuck you, obey the law.  ❜
  • ❛  Then it broke again.  ❜
  • ❛  Hell yeah ! Now we got business.  ❜
  • ❛  Is loving Jesus legal yet ?  ❜
  • ❛  No … actually, ok, sure.  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t worry about Rome, it won’t fall.  ❜
  • ❛  What’s a barbarian ?  ❜
  • ❛  Here’s a huge city, population: everyone.  ❜
  • ❛  Your gods are all fake.  ❜
  • ❛  Everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.  ❜
  • ❛  The Roman Empire is long gone but somehow the Pope is still the Pope.  ❜
  • ❛  Someone owns that now.  ❜
I Got You - Brett Talbot x Reader

Originally posted by holyhalehottness

Pairing: Brett x Reader

Prompt: Unrequited loves a bitch but Brett is your prefect distraction. (Inspired by I Got You – Bebe Rexha)

Warning: Smut, getting high, slight angst and swearing.

ENJOY!!

*****

You smiled over at the pack as you spoke to your boyfriend. You laughed at something Sean, tucking your hair behind your ear. After a few heated kisses with him he said he was going to speak to his friend so you made you way over to the pack. Lydia was looking at you with a smirk as soon as you arrived. You smiled and started to speak to Kira and Lydia about what everyone was doing over the weekend.

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Love is mysterious -Elijah Mikaelson imagine

Originally posted by swagmama


“How could you, the most innocent person ever be in love with Elijah mikealson?” Caroline asked. We were currently in the living room of Salvatore house.

 “What do you mean?” “His an original. His killed thousands of people and, you could not even harm an ant.” Caroline was always full of questions, maybe that’s why I loved her. She was so curious, creative and, caring. Unlike me, I was always to shy and nervous.

 “Love is mysterious, it works in funny ways. Lijah brings out a side to me I thought was never there. When I’m with him there’s just a connection, like two puzzle pieces that go together. He gets me out of my comfort place, out of my little shell. It’s like I’m a different person with him, not the innocent shy one everyone knows me as, but a strong confident one that Elijah know I can be” I let my heart speak for me, no caring what anyone thought about me. Also having no idea Elijah was on the other side of the front door hearing everything.

 "I just figured, that people like that would never find love"

 "People like what Caroline? Yes, he has killed many times. He kills to survive, like any other vampire. The difference between you and him is that your ashamed of what you are and his not.“ I said sounding very pissed. Grabbing my bag, and exiting.

 I opened the door to see my wonderful boyfriend on the other side. "Hello” He said. “How much of that did you hear” you quietly asked, looking down at the floor. “All of that” he lifted my head up.

 "That was very brave of you. I know how you feel about, standing up to your friends.“ "I couldn’t let her keep talking about you like you some sort of animal Lijah. That just wasn’t right” I said, embracing him in a hug.

 ****

 Elijah and I, where at his house. We were going to have dinner with his family tonight. I kept glancing at my reflection in the mirror. I was super nervous, I had meet them before but just briefly.

 "You don’t have to be so nervous, they’ll love you. Trust me, they’ll love you as much as I do.“ Lijah said, walking from behind me and wrapping his arms around me. He always knew exactly what to say to calm me down.

 **** 

 We sitting all at the dinner table, Lijah and his siblings having small chat. "So Y/n, how’s your confidence going” Kluas asked, everyone knew I had a problem with my confidence.

 "I don’t know, How’s world domination going" I said, quietly. They all laughed even Kluas.

 "How do you people say know a days, lol! Elijah, I like her. Don’t scare her away" Rebekah said.

 "I wouldn’t dare of scaring her away, she’s the love of my life.“ Lijah said, grabbing my hand. 

 I knew I was going to marry this man one day


//Don’t be afraid to request something // Go check out my other imagines//

More MBTI Questions I Need Answers to

DISCLAIMER: I legit need answers actually hahaha, if you can comment that’d be great because MY CURIOSITY NEEDS TO BE QUENCHEDDD  ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

ISFJ
- how do I adjust your preprogrammed cookie instructions so that I don’t die from coronary heart disease after eating all your cookies? That stick of butter y'all put into them got my arteries going like @.@
- can I have some more cookies pls? I ate all 12 of them in one sitting
- how often would you like to set your ‘it’s normal to feel insecure’ reminder?

INFJ
- will you come with me to this party 3 weeks from now? I promise to never leave your side and I heard there will be pets there (my attempt at bribery)
- how do you have the best hugs? what is your secret?!?!?!? I MUST KNOWWW
- how are all of you so uniquely artistic? Every INFJ I know does some kind of knitting, oil painting, guitar playing on the side and THEY’RE EXTREMELY GOOD AT WHAT THEY DOO

ISFP
- How do animals know to approach you for your mystical blessing (i.e. legendary head rub that makes all the animals kneel before you in praise)?
- y'all have such colourful outfits! Can you share your wardrobe with me?
- is there a cap on the number of art forms you dabble in or is it more like all ISFPs gets at least one?

ESFJ
- can I come with you to Thursday’s yoga class? I don’t have a matching yoga mat, but I’ll bring you that soy drink that you’ve been wanting to try
- how is your social media game so on point? TEACH MEH YOUR WAYSSS
- do you ever randomly forget someone’s name while talking to them? Because that happens to me wayyyy more than it should

INFP
- is there a daily tears limit or is it more like a you must meet a certain quota by the end of the month?
- how many years are you granted Special Snowflake status? Or do you renew it every 5 years or something?
- do y'all come out of the womb knowing how to make flower crowns or what? THEY’RE TOO PRETTY TO EXIST HOWWW??!?!?!

INTJ
- on a scale from 1 (“I never do this”)  to 10 (“what does it feel like to not do this?”), how often do you think about world domination?
- is it possible to like puzzles but also suck really badly at them? Because that’s me T__T
- how often do you wonder about whether or not you messed up a social interaction? how often is too often? oh crap, my INTJ just lagged a little bit, DON’T BLUE SCREEEN NOOOOOOOOOO

ISTJ
- Are y'all anti-change or just pro-routine? because there’s a difference apparently *eyes ENTJ*
- HELPPPP my ISTJ is stuck in a loop/routine!! Is this normal?
- From all the mbti types, pick one to clean your house according to your instructions, one to walk your dog, and one who’s house might collapse into itself from the hoarding unless you intervene

ISTP
- where are y'all at? I don’t know enough ISTPs
- did you have fun last Friday night? 😉
- how do all of you have this sexy smouldering thing going on?!?! I CAN’T NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH ALL OF YOUUUU

INTP
- how many hours did you sleep last night? Aim for 8 next time 🙂
- list me your 5 most recent wiki page visits .. I need stuff to do … and researching about a random obscure science thing sounds like a fun Tuesday
- are the science functions pre-installed or is it only calculus that’s pre-installed? How do I upgrade these functions?

ESTJ:
- Of all the mbti types, pick one to be your employee, your significant other, and your child
- HOW MANY SUITS DO YOU OWN?!?! Can you lend me one?
- describe your ideal workplace environment (are you turned on by this question?)

ENTJ:
- do you get an adrenaline rush when you bulldoze during an argument? because I totally feel that
- what does an ENTJ mating ritual look like? (i.e. how do you act around your crush? or no diff because can’t run StrongFeelings.exe?)
- I think my ENTJ is broken, it keeps running IsolationMode.exe! How do I fix it?!?! T____T

ESTP
- HEY ESTP! WHERE IS THE PARTY AT!?! Please take me with you, I’ll dance on the porch outside your house if I have to
- how do you feel about manuals? or do you just set them on fire? can we do a group manual burning? *ISTJs are probably having a heart attack*
- Pick one mbti type to kiss, one to marry, and one to have casual sex with

ENTP
- name me ONE project you’ve ever finished that wasn’t for school/work (y'all get so excited when you start a new project but the old projects feel neglected AF y'know)
- Since you’re the Meme Lord(ess), if you marry a commoner, are they Duchess of Memes or Lady Meme? or Lord Meme? (just throwing that in real quick before the I see pitchforks outside mah house)
- how do y'all have so much air to debate for as long as you do? do ENTPs have unique genetic mutations that allow for larger lung capacity? do y'all double as Olympic swimmers too?

ENFJ
- where do all of our secrets go after we tell them to you? do you have a personalized file on each of us that you flip through from time to time as a bedtime story or what?
- why do all of you want me to reveal my emotional wounds? Is that the equivalent of foreplay or something?
- how do I install PersonalSpace.exe onto my ENFJ?

ENFP
- how do you have sooooooo many tabs open?!?!?
- do pets come to you or do you come to pets?
- will you take me with you on your next spontaneous surprise trip to Tokyo? All my bags are already packed, just tell me what day we’re going

ESFP
- why do y'all always smell nice? can I bottle your scent or something?
- do you take dance lessons or is dancing well just a feature of all ESFPs?
- have you seen my butt? Because you’re sexy AF and I’d like to give you permission to dance within 2 ft of it

2

jd week day 6 - Jonathan in SDC

you’ve tried DILF Jonathan, now try ‘really really hecking old and god i’m starting to get concerned for you’ Jonathan.

tl;dr jonathan didn’t die and is a ripple master that can tell the future and dio keeps bothering him about it. more details on the au under the cut

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Miscellaneous Hermione FFs List

I decided to make this list for my own personal reference as well as for anyone who is looking for some interesting Hermione-pairing fanfics. I suck at writing summaries and it’s been a while since I’ve read some of these stories so I apologize in advance for any discrepancies! Without further due, here are some memorable fanfics I’ve read so far in no particular order:


Dramione (Draco x Hermione)

A Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy- Countess of Abe. Complete. Genre: Romance/Drama. Rated M: Sexual situations. Word Count: 136,998 (25 chapters).

Now in their 20′s, some of Hogwart’s former students have gotten married and have kids, including Draco Malfoy. Except he was an idiot who got forced into a shotgun wedding and the only good that came out of it was his son, Zane. Now that he’s finally divorced, he’s back on the market as a wealthy, successful, and single dad but his gold-digging ex-wife has a plan to take Zane away from him. Draco is left with no choice but to turn to a woman who he had scorned and bullied throughout his school years to help save his family. Hermione seems to think she can help them and come out unscathed, but she has no idea how much her life was about to change the more she got involved with the “hottie” daddy. 

The Deadline - Lena Phoria. Complete. Genre: Romance/Drama. Rated M: Smutastic. Word Count: 329,548 (39 chapters). 

By sheer coincidence or stroke of fate, Draco and Hermione are reunited many years after graduation, at the very same graduation ceremony of their respective children. Maybe it’s because they’re both miserable in their marriages or maybe all the repressed sexual tension have finally come bursting out, now that they’re no longer confined by the rules and prejudices of Hogwarts, but the two find themselves involved in a scandalous affair. How will they hide their naughty secret from everyone, especially when what started out as a one night stand evolves into something so much more? 

Almost Perfect, Almost Yours - BelleOfSummer. Complete. Genre: Romance. Rate M: Violence/Smut/Angst. Word Count: 237,158 (50 chapters). 

Hermione had been raised as a perfect Pureblood princess, believing she belonged to one of the oldest Pureblood families around, the Puceys. It was because of her bloodline that she was able to meet a mischievous but charming boy from another old and prestigious Pureblood family named Draco Malfoy. Their meeting and budding romance all seemed like it was out of a fairy tale, except when one day she found out the shattering truth of her past. They had promised to love each other, no matter what, but will Draco be able to keep his promise after finding out that Hermione wasn’t as pure as he thought? How important will blood purity be to to him as he succumbs to the darkness of serving under Lord Voldemort? 

The Mind Trap - LainellaFay. Complete. Genre: Romance/Angst/Hurt&Comfort. Rated T: I CRIED. Word Count:  4,636 (One-shot). 

Hermione’s a busy person, working as a healer in St. Mungo. So why does she keep bumping into Draco Malfoy here? That prat. He can’t seem to stop annoying her even when they’re out of school. And who is this blond haired, greyed eye man who keeps visiting her? Why does he seem so sad? Merlin, all these people need to leave her alone. Can’t they see that she’s busy? Busy, busy, busy….

Brokeninadaze22. Complete. Genre: Angst/Romance. Rated M: PTSD, angsty af. Word Count: 367,993 (36 chapters).

After the war had ended, Hermione disappeared and only to quietly reappear years later - completely broken. Her closest friends felt abandoned by her and now shun her, not understanding the excruciating loss she had gone through. Ironically, she finds support from former enemies, including one (albeit reluctant) Draco Malfoy. Draco was never one especially equipped to deal with strong and deep emotions, let alone being a source of comfort to another. But as Draco delves into Hermione’s past, he discovers that it isn’t just she who needed that special someone to take the pain away. 

Love In A Time Of The Zombie Apocalypse - Rizzler. Ongoing. Genre: Horror/Romance. Rated M: Violence/Gore/Mild Smut. Word Count: 241,300 (65 chapters). 

After the fall of Voldemort, an even bigger threat to humanity emerges - the dead coming to life and eating the living. Hermione Granger, one of the crucial members in a rag tag group of surviving specialists, finds herself battling old prejudices as she is forced to work with convicted terrorist and scientific genius, Draco Malfoy, to find a cure. As time is running out and the pressure is on, the two find their new relationship put to the test as they encounter threats in the new world that are even more dangerous than the undead. 

Five Days - RavieSnake. Complete. Genre: Drama/Suspense/Romance. Rated M: Graphic depictions of injuries/MIGHT MAKE U CRY CUZ I DID. Word Count: 32,001 (14 chapters). 

Draco and Hermione find themselves trapped in a crevice of a cliff and no one knows they’re there. Not only do the two have to fight the elements to survive for as long as they can, but they end up fighting past hurts as they open up to each other, just when it seems like they won’t have much time left on this planet anyways. It’s funny how sometimes you only realize how important someone is to you when you’re about to lose them. 

Claiming Hermione - ilke. Ongoing/Hiatus/Abandoned?. Genre: Romance/Angst. Rated M: Graphic smut but oh so good. Word Count:  118,833 (33 chapters).

Sometimes all it takes is one gesture of kindness, to change someone’s life. For Draco, it was when the least suspecting person in all of Hogwarts lent him a shoulder to cry upon after finding out his parent’s tragic fate. For Hermione, it seemed like it was no big deal, after all she was used to being a pillar of support for anyone who needed it, even for blond snarky jerks like Draco. She didn’t expect anything in return, so how was she to know her brief moment with Draco would open the door to something so sinful but so right?


Tomione (Tom Riddle x Hermione)

Somewhere In Time - Serpent In Red. Complete. Genre: Romance/Adventure. Rated M: Violence/implied sexy times. Word Count:  360,029 (63 chapters).

They were brawling with Draco Malfoy one minute and the next, they found themselves on top of the young Dark Lord, literally. As Hermione, Harry, Ginny, and Draco scramble to find out how and why they were sent back into time, they must also try to avoid the attention of the ever observant Tom Riddle. This proves to be a little difficult as he quickly becomes obsessed with Hermione after realizing he particularly liked her brand of fire. As the group learn to get over their past differences and come closer to reaching a way to return home, Tom makes it clear that no one is going to take away his little lioness - not Dumbledore, not Grindelwald, not Death, not even time itself.

Ultima Ratio - Winterblume. Complete. Genre: Romance/Angst/Hurt&Comfort. Rated M: Abusive relationship/violence/Tom is a dick here. Word Count:  772,571 (54 chapters). 

After losing her best friends to Voldemort and his Death Eaters, Hermione accidentally sends herself back into time where she meets the teenage Voldemort, Tom Riddle. She had planned to enroll into Hogwarts in the mean time to research how to send herself back to the present, not to become Tom’s object of rapt interest. The plan falls apart as her gentle heart could not stand by and watch as the young Dark Lord is unfairly punished and tortured, becoming his savior and opening herself up to his manipulations. To Tom, she was seemingly the perfect match to his own until he finds out her secret. Violence, hurt, and angst ensues but the looming threat of Grindelwald is the final catalyst that has them questioning what truly matters, ultimately. 

His PersephoneReneehart. Ongoing. Genre: Romance/Adventure. Rated M: Mild smut/some violence. Word Count: 190,966 (26 chapters). 

The outcome in the war against Voldemort is looking bleak and Dumbledore is desperate for a way to turn the tides. He convinces Hermione to go on a mission back into time to infiltrate his group of followers and sabotage him before he can rise to power. When Hermione finally meets Tom Riddle, she finds it increasingly difficult to focus between her mission and losing control to her desires. On the other hand, Tom seamlessly incorporates his newfound, worthy companion into his plans for world domination. But how long will she be the Queen to his King before she’s able to ruin him from the inside out? Or will he find out his Queen is actually his downfall in disguise? 

Muderer’s Mazeibuzoo. Ongoing. Genre: Horror/Angst. Rated M: GORE GALORE. Word Count: 65,276 (13 chapters). 

There’s a serial killer on the loose in London that would make even Hannibal Lecter proud. Special Agent Hermione is assigned to piece together the clues the maniacal genius left behind. Meanwhile her partner is none other than Draco Malfoy - a handsome, charming, but also pain in the ass Intelligence Officer. Together, they must work against the clock to track down and stop the killer before he commits his next heinous murder. Hermione will become entangled in a mad man’s mind as she learns what it means to be human.  

Nothing SpecialWinterblume. Complete. Genre: Tragedy. Rated M: Depressing af, I cried again. Word Count: 1,373 (One-shot).

Tom Riddle didn’t expect to get involved with her to this extent. And things weren’t supposed to turn out the way it did. But it did and there’s nothing that can change it. Does he regret what happened? Maybe, maybe not. After all, she wasn’t supposed to be anything special to him.

School DaysMeowmers. Complete. Genre: Romance/Friendship. Rated M: Tom is a lil scary kid. Word Count: 133,702 (14 chapters).

Hermione’s personality is one of her strongest points but it has also made it difficult for her to make friends. One day she encounters an older, mysterious and intimidating boy named Tom and the two develop a strange friendship. Their relationship changes over time but one thing remains the same – Tom’s protectiveness over the sole person he cares about in this world. As his ambitions grow, so does his enemies and they will learn the hard way not to mess with his only true friend.

MafiosoMeowmers. Complete. Genre: Romance/Drama. Rated M: May or may not involve getting nasty in public. Word Count: 12,121 (One-shot).

Hermione Granger is a law student working part time in one of New York’s biggest firms as a secretary for its mysterious and intelligent CEO, Tom Riddle. One night while working late she discovers a huge secret her boss has been hiding from his employees, putting her in incredible danger. On top of that, she has a very important wedding to attend soon – her ex’s to be exact – and she’s going alone. Maybe she and Tom can find a solution to each other’s dilemma that would be to each other’s mutual benefit, along with some other mutually beneficial fun times.  

DamnedMeowmers. Complete. Genre: Horror/Romance. Rated M: Grotesque scenes. Word Count: 38,573 (4 chapters).  

Hermione had lost her parents and was trying to move on with her life with the help of her best friends Harry and Ron. When they move into her old house, they find an old Ouija board and decide to have a little bit of fun to take their minds off of things. Since then she has noticed strange occurrences happening within her home that have become increasingly terrifying. She had been looking for a sweet dream to cure her depression and never would have thought it instead would come in the form of a beautiful nightmare.

Nagini Ate Your Homeworkbloomsburry. Complete. Genre: Horror/Romance. Rated M: GRAPHIC SMUT/dub-con. Word Count: 4,564 (One-shot). 

Hermione Granger has always been a feisty girl with a hard head for competition. She battled with everyone – her friends, her classmates, even her own professor, Tom Riddle. One day she gets asked to stay behind in class because Professor Riddle’s pet snake had apparently eaten her homework and as her smart mouth gears up to give him a chewing, he quickly finds another way to preoccupy it.  


Voldemione (Voldemort x Hermione)

Empathetic SeductionNerysDax. Complete. Genre: Romance. Rated M: Fight/makeup smex?. Word Count: 16,187 (One-shot).  

Voldemort has won the war and now rules over the wizarding world. But all hope is not lost, as Hermione goes undercover as Madame Cleo, the owner of a brothel where she can make any and all fantasies come true. In reality, her prostitutes work as spies to gather insider information from Death Eaters to use in their secret resistance movement. One day, she receives a call from her employee, panicking over the surprise appearance of the Dark Lord at her brothel. Apparently, Bellatrix Lestrange’s recent visit to her brothel did not amuse him and he offers her a challenge she could not refuse, or else. Who will truly win in this game of deceit, wit, power, and seduction?


Theomione (Theodore Nott x Hermione)

Tying The Nott ShayaLonnie. Ongoing. Genre: Romance/Drama. Rated M: Sexual situations/Theo is so hot damn. Word Count: 113,781 (37 chapters). 

After the war Hermione had found success as an employee of the Ministry and who else would be her annoying coworker but Draco Malfoy. Indeed, it seemed like the future they had hope for post-war had come true when former house rivals were now all working adults and surprisingly, good friends. Whereas everyone seemed to have found their place in the new world along with their soul mates, Hermione had yet to find success in the romance department. That is, until Draco came to her with a vital problem – his friend and former Death Eater, Theodore Nott, was dying and only she could save him by marrying him.


Thormione (Thorfinn Rowle x Hermione)

A Promise UnspokenKittenshift17. Ongoing. Genre: Romance/Drama/Angst. Rated M: No full blown sex but some sexual situations/Hermione is underage (for now). Word Count: 188,069 (32 chapters). 

Goody two shoes Hermione had gotten herself into trouble with a 7th year Slytherin boy named Thorfinn Rowle. Poor girl, she had no idea that the Viking hunk of a bad boy never lets anyone mess with him and get away with it. Unfortunately for Thorfinn, he hadn’t count on becoming increasingly fond of the fiery little lioness but he had already put his revenge into action. Now he has find a way to deal with his mistakes as well as keep them hidden from her, for he would die if she found out, quite literally.

Ne:

I was having a discussion with ENTP fellow schemer for world domination friend on Ne-dom, and how it can be frustrating to try and express Ne in a way others can understand. We got into a chat about reality vs. Ne expectations (basically, think of the biggest, most dramatic positive conclusion you can, and you’re halfway there) and he sent me this.

If reality is the “actual” method, Ne expectations are the Indy method:

Ne does that, all the time; it goes for the biggest, most dramatic, most coolest interpretation / expectation ever

It’s not just “I’m gonna write a novel, and it will take me months or even years and be lots of hard work, and then I might achieve mediocre success with it,” it’s “I’m gonna write a novel, and it’ll be a best seller, and they’ll make a miniseries out of it, and I’ll be famous, and on Jay Leno!” *

It’s “Gosh, I hope in 34 years when I’m President, they don’t find out I copied that library CD!” (When you are literally the worst at follow through and don’t even want to be president, but dude, things bite you in the butt later and since you are clearly going to be famous someday, you need to be careful!)

Someone says PICNIC and Ne thinks of the most incredible picnic ever, with a gorgeous setting and amazing food and neat little picnic tables, where they will either be heroic or meet their one true love, and you get there and it’s a crappy little spot near a trickle of water they call a ‘stream’ and the sandwiches aren’t even that good, they’re just normal, and Ne goes – this is it?!?

Someone says we’re going HERE, and Ne builds up this amazing thing in their head, and when you get there, it’s nothing near like you imagined it would be, because in your imagination it was the most amazing thing ever and in reality it’s … ordinary.

If reality is a pile of rocks, Ne expectations are a Gothic castle full of enchanted furniture with a fire-breathing dragon on the roof and a wizard in the basement and some heroic role for them to fulfill, because dammit, reality is boring.

The object ceases to be what it is, and is polished under Ne’s “it would be so much BETTER if…”

Ne is, literally, only gobsmacked when something is so magnificent, their imagination cannot improve on it. :P

* I should probably also mention that mediocrity is death for a Ne-dom. It’s either total disaster (no one cares) or world-famous (with stalkers and journalists hounding you), there’s no middle ground. :P

Q: How are you today?
A: Good … thank you !! Though THIS traffic …. #shame

Q: How many days till you are able to go home?
A: Just a bit over a month … counting down the days !!! #summerfun

Q: #AskClaire are you watching anything good? Binge worthy? 
A: Did someone say @SHO_TwinPeaks

Q: Where’s Eddie while you’re away? You must miss him! 
A: I do miss HER … (i won’t let her know you made that mistake !!) She’s waiting in Scotland for some SA treats !!

Q: You gonna be long? #onbehalfofmycompadres 
A: If I said another hour …. would you a) cry b) explode c) just go home ..????

Q: What do you consider to be your best scene from Season 3?
A: 🌴…. that’s a clue !!!

Q: What book are you currently reading? #AskClaire #Outlander
A: Mirror, Shoulder, Signal …or is it Mirror, Signal, Shoulder … anyway .. It’s GOOD.

Q: Will you get time off this summer before Season 4 filming begins?
A: Well I’d better … I hear people might want us to promote it #AskClaire

Q: What’s been your favorite thing you’ve learned since coming to South Africa to film? #AskClaire #Outlander
A: People’s incredible capacity to forgive and heal … and that it’s a process … LOVE SA ❤

Q: When will you come to France ? #AskClaire 
A: Soon, I hope !!

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I wonder what everyone who says they don’t see a rebuild this season will say when Olicity reunites 🤔

…then I realize what they’ll probably do is say “this came out of nowhere! they just threw this together to try to save ratings/appease the shippers!”

…and that will be the final step in them becoming exactly like the LL/OQ shippers and comic stans who insisted that Olicity “came out of nowhere” in season 3 and who have been lamenting fanservice all this time. They will have officially become that which they used to hate. 

(5:41pm, edited to add: I don’t like to edit or delete posts because, most times, I stand by everything I say, but it’s come to my attention I need to clarify these first two paragraphs. There’s been some misunderstanding of what it is I’m actually saying here. I’m not comparing fans who disagree with seeing a rebuild to LL/comic stans. I am not saying that fans who disagree with what I say below hate Olicity like LL/comic stans either. I am saying that if, when Olicity reunite, this small segment of fans say the above statements, that I feel there’s a comparison to the same statements made by LL/comic stans in the past. Not the hating Olicity part, the part about claiming fanservice and “came out of nowhere”. It’s about the rhetoric used. No disrespect was intended towards any Olicity fans currently, it was simply my intention to express a hope that this not be the rhetoric spread. I said it in a way that was easy to misinterpret, I think. What I said below is the meat of the matter here: that it’s okay to disagree with seeing a rebuild. That I don’t mind people who don’t agree with me. That it’s okay to have different opinions on this. If you take away anything from this post, that should be it. The above was a musing I had after seeing a post here on Tumblr and me wondering what might be the spin from those fans, and hoping that wasn’t the case. That is all.)

PSA: It’s not just actor ad-libs that have given us the Olicity moments and the hints of rebuild this season. It wasn’t an ad-lib that put that (albeit corny) flashback in 509. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had Oliver tell Felicity they were a mortal lock. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had Oliver seeing Felicity in the Dominator dream-world and flashing back to their relationship and how that was supposed to mean something to him. It wasn’t an ad-lib that Oliver chose to protect Felicity against Black Siren instead of face off against Prometheus. Or any of the other times he’s exhibited protectiveness and concern about her. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had him running into her arms, that had that bright light of the blast shine over them as they embraced. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had them standing in that green light in 502, talking about what matters. It wasn’t an ad-lib that had John Diggle setting up the season long question to Oliver Queen in that facetime conversation in 501. What about you and Felicity? He doesn’t know. But the smile on his face said he had hope. That question was set up so that it would be answered. It was answered one way in 4x23. It will be answered in a different way by the time 5x23 is done, one way or another. 

I could go on and on but it comes down to this: I understand if some are reluctant to see the rebuild. Honestly, I get it. It’s been a year since they’ve been together and they don’t want to be patient. They’re frustrated with things that have happened to and between Oliver and Felicity. They feel disenfranchised. They don’t ship it anymore but aren’t sure how to pull away from fandom. Or they do ship it but don’t want to because they feel it brings them only pain. They get upset when they see other fans that do have hope, for a lot of different reasons but mostly because they can’t share that hope. They want to warn others off of it so they don’t get disappointed. Believe me, I get all of this. 

I’m not trying to make anyone change their mind and agree with me. I don’t care if anyone does, to be honest. It’s enough for me that I see the clear signs of the rebuild. The narrative makes sense to me. The practical business side of this makes sense to me. I don’t expect it to make sense to everyone and disagreement doesn’t bother me. So feel free to ignore this post. It won’t hurt my feelings. This post wasn’t meant for the people I mentioned in the previous paragraph anyhow.

But to the people who are open to interpretations of this season, to the people who are looking for reasons to hope, to the people who tell me all the time, often privately, that they appreciate the things I say and how I try to share my optimism with fandom: this post is for you

dattebae  asked:

please tell me how you feel about Sakura being a housewife in the ending of Naruto?

(I will only go after manga canon)

First of all, there’s nothing wrong with being a housewife.

There is something wrong with everyone being a housewife.

Naruto is extremely sexist. First there’s the fact that to pretty much every team (with very few exceptions) there is two boys to every girl.There is one female hokage to now seven male hokages. Seems to be one female mizukage to six male and one female tsuchikage to three male. In Akatsuki, there is one female (even back when we see Akatsuki at its beginning is there only one female) to ten males. Taka has one female to three males. Pain’s paths also only include one woman. Out of nine jinchurikis, two are female. Out of the sannin, there is only one female to two male. In the entire Uchiha clan we only see one female.

So now we’ve established how ridiculously male-dominated the Naruto world is. What about the main female characters?

  • First of is Sakura. She’s the first female character properly introduced and I daresay she’s one of the characters who’s got the most development. 

At the beginning, she is shown as inferior to her teammates but her itelligence is praised. She’s said to have an affinity for genjutsu (which we never get to see developed), she’s one of the only students who don’t have to cheat during the chunin exams. 

One thing she gets equally with her teammates is the opportunity to train with a legendary sannin. The sannin in question is stated to be the weakest and unfortunately she is also the woman of the group. Nevertheless, Sakura becomes a highly skilled medical ninja, said to be one of the greatest alive, far surpassing Tsunade, her mentor. She never gets over her crush on Sasuke though, no matter what abuse her throws at her. In the epilogue she ends up marrying a man who’s tried to kill her several times.

  • Ino is introduced as Sakura’s rival in love. In the databooks we see that Ino have the highest score of her class (even surpassing Sasuke). Unfortunately, this is never stated in the series. Unlike Sakura, Ino seems to take charge of her team and is an unofficial leader. She also chooses to study medical jutsu later on. We don’t see much of Ino’s development. When her team has an arc focused on them, Shikamaru is the main character. There are lots of jokes cracked at Ino’s expense and she later marries Sai, who when they first met called her “homely”.
  • Then there’s Hinata. She is a very special case as she is given screentime focused exclusively on her clan and her role. Born as the heiress of the Hyuga clan, she is rejected by her father because she’s too weak (surprisingly, she is not rejected in favour of a man. Instead her little sister would be the heiress). Her infatuation with Naruto is introduced as her seeing herself in him, and honestly, that is quite believable for a thirteen year old girl. At first, this infatuation also does genuinely good. Hinata is able to overcome her personal troubles and though she loses her fight (of course) she has won in a personal sense. Unfortunately it only goes downhill from that. Hinata’s character is flanderized into her being obsessed with Naruto. Sometimes this works plotwise (as she gave him the inspiration necessary to beat Pain), but it remains obvious that Hinata’s character has been reduced to not only a lovesick girl, but a plot device. 

  • Tenten is as far as I know the only main student from Naruto’s generation never to be given a last name. Her only appearances seem to involve throwing weapons and then get beaten. In her team’s arc, Rock Lee gets the focus. Tenten is said to idolize Tsunade and dreams of becoming hokage. At the end of the series, she’s opened up an unsuccessful weapons shop.

Those are the main female students. Let’s move on.

Out of these four teams, only one has a female leader.

  • Kurenai is introduced right when she’s become a jonin. She’s a genjutsu master but other than that we don’t get to know much about her. She took pity on Hinata when she was pretty much disowned and developed a sisterlike relationship with her. Kurenai’s only main fight is with Itachi Uchiha, who just so happens to be a genjutsu master as well. Kurenai is beaten and we don’t see her until it’s time for Shikamaru’s arc. 

There, we find out that she’s Asuma’s lover and pregnant with his child. She disappears again and appears at the end with her now adult daughter. We see no signs of her still being a ninja and going by the ways of Naruto it’s safe to assume she became a housewife as well.

  • In the Uchiha clan, the only female we see is Mikoto, Sasuke and Itachi’s mother. She’s said in the databook to have been a jonin but we only ever see her as a housewife. And then she gets killed.
  • Akatsuki has from the beginning only had one female member. Konan is the last member to be revealed by name and she gets a fight with Jiraiya (her former teacher) who quickly immobilizes her. 

Now, Konan’s character is very disturbing to me, especially since I love her. She’s introduced on the exact same level as Yahiko and Nagato, her teammates. They are orphans all three. They have all suffered equally under the war. Jiraiya finds them and takes it upon himself to train them. It’s shown that he treats them pretty equally (but Nagato is his favourite). Despite that, Konan devotes her entire life to these two men in her life and after Yahiko’s death she pretty much becomes Nagato’s shadow. It’s especially disturbing considering she’s shown in her main fight (which she lost) to be perhaps the strongest female character in the series. 

  • Tsunade is introduced as Jiraiya and Orochimaru’s former teammate. As a legendary sannin, she is exceptionally skilled with taijutsu and medical jutsu. 

When we first see her, she is a cynical, bitter drunk. During her character arc, we find out she had a little brother and a lover (who wanted to be hokage) who both died which caused her to pretty much give up on life. After she meets Naruto, he eventually wins her over and now Tsunade has a new male character to place her hope upon.

Tsunade becomes the first female hokage and seems to be doing a pretty good job. For some reason she leaves the position at around age sixty (pretty irrelevant since her abilities make her pretty much immortal). Age isn’t a matter anyways, considering how old the third hokage got. But of course Tsunade abdicates in order to let Kakashi be hokage (for all of five minutes off screen) and later Naruto. In her “dream”, she is shown accompanying her lover Dan, who’s Hokage.

  • Mei Terumi is introduced at age thirty when she only just became mizukage (as opposed to Tsunade who was fifty). Being an extremely powerful woman, she gets her moment to shine against Sasuke and she loses. Mei’s main woe seems to be how she can’t find love and when she abdicates (at age forty for seemingly no good reason) her only line in the epilogue is about how she can’t find a man.
  • Karin is the only female on team Taka as their medic, a very skilled one as well. Her personality seems to be rather abhorrent (and once, her ploy to basically rape Sasuke is played for laughs). However, she is revealed to be a distant relative of Naruto (a plot point which is never respolved) and we get an opportunity to see her vulnerable side when Sasuke tries to kill her after she saved his life. She disappears at the end and we still don’t know what happened to her.

  • Admittedly we don’t knw too much about Naruto’s mother Kushina, more than her fate of being the jinchuriki before him. We see her as a headstrong woman, who as a child wanted to be hokage. She got kidnapped and was saved by Naruto’s father Minato, who later became hokage while Kushina cheered him on. She dies with Minato after giving birth to Naruto.
  • Temari is Gaara’s older sister and she is introduced as perhaps the strongest female student of her generation. Her first (offscreen) fight is with Tenten and Temari wins. She loses to Shikamaru later, though. Not much more is said about Temari and she ends up marrying Shikamaru.

There are lots more, but I think this is good enough. There is a jarring theme in Naruto which seems to be that it’s okay for the women to dream big, as long as they’re content watching as their male lovers get to realize their dreams instead. Tenten is the only female shown actually having a job in the epilogue, an unsuccessful one at that. There is Kurenai’s daughter too, but we get to know absolutely nothing about her.

There is not a single woman in the series who gets to be inspired by their own worth. Sakura fights to catch up with Sasuke and Naruto. Hinata fights to catch up with Naruto. Karin fights to be with Sasuke, it goes on. 

Kishimoto’s treatment of Sakura in the last chapter speaks volumes. It doesn’t matter what you do in the world of Naruto, if you’re a woman you better be content getting overshadowed by the men around you regardless of your own accomplishments.

She could have been working in a hospital, accompanied Naruto to the hokage meeting (I would have preferred the series ended with Naruto and Sasuke killing each other and Sakura becoming hokage). Instead, we get her cleaning her home.

Fuck you, Kishimoto.

incorrecttrainerquotes  asked:

Compared with others Giovanni is probably the best Parent here and if you count Guzma as part of Lusamines plan one with the least destructive take on world domination.