*uses really big words like dubious and revolting* *is nine years old*
*stares at me critically* *forces a princess crown on my head* Here. Let me make you pretty. Let me teach you.
*gets a toy makeup set as a gift* *stares blankly at it for 30 seconds* I don't have time for this. *walks away*
*dancing the same song on Just Dance for three hours straight* Why are you bored? We're dancing! *twirls*
*tackles my granny in a hug every time she sees her, which is almost every day* Hi. Did you know I love you?
*playing Barbies by herself and singing in weird voices and off key while paying no attention to anyone else*
*Loses a contest in school for who could read the most books* WHY DIDN'T I GET THE PRIZE? *we ask if she read more books, and she says no. we explain that that's a fair loss* *clenches her tiny fist* I do not like it.
“Hey Y/n, we leave for the party in about two hours. You should start getting ready.” My mom states knocking on my bedroom door lightly making me sigh to myself.
“Okay.” I call, typing the rest of my text and hitting send before I push myself off of my bed. I pull out the dress and heels that I’d bought specifically for this occasion; excited to wear the dress but dreading going to the party with my family. We always have these end of the year parties with my family in which we rent this really nice venue and dress super formally so we can get together as a family to close out the year in our own way. I used to thoroughly enjoy them when I was younger because I could spend time with my cousins while the adults drank and did their thing, but now I absolutely dread going to them. As I’ve gotten older, these parties have been more about the adults trying to one up each other with their latest accomplishments than anything else. To say the least, the tension is always high by the end of the night and there’s always an argument that leads to this long and drawn out rift in a relationship that lasts until everyone has forgotten about it. To say the least, there’s always some kind of drama and it crushes the loving atmosphere really quick.
I perfect the finishing touches of my makeup and put the brush down feeling satisfied with how I looked.
“Y/n, it’s time to go!” My mom shouts up the stairs as I take a few full body mirror selfies. I quickly grab my heels, and my clutch and hurry down the stairs clumsily sliding my heels on at the bottom.
“Oh my goodness y/n, you look absolutely stunning.” My mom gasps smiling brightly,“Look at her Y/D/N, doesn’t she look beautiful? Jarred is going to be speechless when he sees you.”
“Excuse me?” I ask wiping my smile off of my face. “He shouldn’t even be there, this is a family event.”
“I just thought the two of you could use some time together. His whole family is coming, not just him.” She explains making my eyebrows furrow together.
“That doesn’t make it any better mom, their whole family acts like they’re better than everyone else. Wait, is this why you wouldn’t let me bring Ethan? Because you invited Jarred?” I question trying not to snap at her.
“I just figured maybe if you spent more time with Jarred you’d-”
“You’re ridiculous. Why can’t you accept that I’m happy with Ethan?” I
“Let’s go, we’re going to be late.” My dad cuts in, interrupting before anything else could be said. “After you,” he smiles at me gesturing towards the door.
The car ride was pretty tense and almost silent the entire time. I decided I was going to let myself cook off so that I didn’t damper any spirits as soon as I walked into the room.
I take a deep breath and curl my lips into a smile as I walk into the building where our party is being held.
“I expect that you’re not going to be rude when Jarred and his family get here.” Mom states as we walk down the empty corridor.
“And I expect that you’re going to start respecting the fact that I have a boyfriend and am not interested in Jarred.” I ask smiling at her knowingly. “Wait, this is one of those times that we both say things that we want but know are not going to happen isn’t it?” I give her one last glance before walking towards my cousins.
“Hey Y/n!” They greet, taking turns to hug me.
“Hey guys! It’s good to see you.” I smile , sliding into the table with them.
“You really went all out, this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that Jarred and his family are coming tonight does it?” My cousin Maddison (sorry if your name is Maddison, I’m just picking names) asks wiggling her eyebrows at me.
“I didn’t even know he was coming until about thirty minutes ago.” I reply rolling my eyes as she giggles.
“Girl, if my parents were going out of their way to try to hook me up with him I’d be all over it. You’re lucky in my opinion.” She laughs setting her chin in her hand.
“Well you can have him. Actually, I’d love if you swooped in on him honestly. It would get my mom off of my case.” I admit making her roll her eyes in amusement.
“Talking about me again are we?” Jarred asks slipping into the chair across from me smiling at me smugly.
“Hey.” I state, flashing a fake smile at him. “Well it’s always a pleasure to see you, but I’m going to go get some punch.” I push myself out of my seat slowly and head towards the table with refreshments.
“Hey y/n, how’ve you been?” My uncle greets as the other adults at the table turn their attention towards me.
“Really good, thanks.” I smile, grabbing an empty glass off of the table.
“How’s that boyfriend of yours doing?” My aunt questions, sipping her wine.
“Ethan? He’s doing great thanks fo-”
“Oh you’re still with him? I thought you’d came to your senses and dumped him.” She says bluntly making me look at her in surprise.
“Nope, I’m still with him and am very happy.” I smile, biting my tongue.
“Really? I mean, I’m sure he’s good looking but I think Jarred is more your type.” She presses. I pour punch into my glass and sigh quietly, knowing that she isn’t going to drop the subject.
“I actually couldn’t have said it better myself.” Jarred cuts in slinging his arm over my shoulder.
“Oh really? That’s funny because I actually couldn’t disagree more.” I state with a simple smile on my face. “Now, if you’ll excuse me…” I trail off, walking away from them. I stalk towards the bathroom silently, trying not to feel guilty about what I’d said. I’m just so tired of everyone making my relationship sound so small and easy to replace. The majority of my family members have been rooting against my relationship with Ethan since it started; I just wish they’d be more supportive towards the things that make me happy.
I lock the bathroom door and slip my phone out of my clutch, pressing on Ethan’s contact.
“Hello.” He answers cheerfully making my lips curl into a smile.
“I need you to pick me up.” I whisper quietly as if someone was going to hear me.
“What, why? Are you okay?” He asks, the tone of his voice changing immediately.
“I’m fine, I just need to get out of here. I promise I’ll explain everything later.” I mumble, fiddling with my dress.
“Okay, text me the address and I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He responds, and I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding in.
“Okay.” I breathe closing my eyes. “Ethan?”
“I love you.” I stare quietly and I hear him laugh softly.
“I love you too baby, I’ll see you soon.” He smiles, before the line cuts off. I smile to myself and text him the address before swinging the door open.
I looked around before my eyes locked on Maddison, and I hurried towards her.
“Hey, you’re not going to be too mad at me if I ditch are you?” I question, whispering so that no one heard me.
“I think I’ll be okay, we’ll get together soon to make up for all of the lost time?”
“Of course, I promise I’ll make it up to you!” I exclaim, hugging her tightly when my phone buzzes in my hand. I look down at it to find a text from Ethan.
I’m waiting outside
“Ethan’s here, I’ll see you soon.” I giggle as she rolls her eyes in amusement watching me sneak away yet again.
I carefully look around, double checking that no one had followed me before I quietly push open the door and hurry outside. I stop briefly and slip off my heels so that I could make a faster getaway. I jog down the sidewalk and smile when I see Ethan leaning against his parked car waiting for me. He looks towards me when he hears the soft sound of my bare feet hitting the pavement, a big smile forming on his lips when he sees me.
“Hey beautiful.” He greets, pulling me in for a gentle kiss. “You look…wow.” He breathes stepping away from me and grabbing one of my hands as I slowly spun around to give him the full view.
“Thanks,” I blush tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
“So beautiful.” He whispered hugging my waist and pressing a light kiss against the crown of my head.
“Well as much as I’d like to stay in this moment, lets go before my mom realizes that I’m gone.” I state making him bid in agreement and pull away.
“Of course, I almost forgot.” He laughs turning around to open the door for me. He lets me in and then quickly jogs to his side, speeding off down the road. “You’ve told me that you guys dress up for these things but I didn’t think you meant that you go all out.”
“Yeah, it’s been kind of a tradition. Don’t worry, you’re lending me clothes when we get to your apartment. So you don’t have to feel underdressed or anything.” I joke patting his thigh lightly.
“Of course, but we’re getting pictures first.” He laughs sliding his hand into mine.
“Okay.” I giggle rolling my eyes at him.
“What? I like to show you off a little.” He explains, turning into his parking spot at the apartment building.
“Alright, those are all cute. Can I please change now?” I ask leaning my head against his back, sliding my arms around his waist lazily.
“Of course, you can go pick out what you want to wear. You know where everything is.” He responds politely watching my walk of towards his room.
“So what happened tonight?” Ethan asks after we curl up under his blankets, the light from the window illuminating the room softly.
“My family,” I sigh playing with his hand as Ethan scoots closer behind me.
“What about them?”
“They’re just so unsupportive. I feel like they’re against everything that makes me happy.” I mumble, his hand combing through my hair comfortingly.
“Would I happen to be one of those things?” He asks stopping his movements.
“Yeah.” I whisper, tangling our fingers together and pulling our hands into my chest. “I feel like everyone is against our relationship.”
Ethan stays quiet for a few minutes and a part of me is nervous about what he has to say.
“I guess we’ll just have to prove everyone wrong. I mean, it’s our relationship not there’s. Who are they to decide whether we should or shouldn’t be together?” He finally answers, making me sigh in relief.
“Us against the world.” I murmur into the darkness, making me smile to myself.
“Us against the world.” He repeats in agreement, sinking into the bed behind me before we drift asleep together.
* Fought with my cousin over our music taste (basically me calling her a Poser for liking “my” bands). We haven’t talked ever since.
* Fought with another cousin because he wouldn’t like my ugly profile picture. We haven’t talked ever since.
* Created a FB group to start a Tokio Hotel local fan club. Added random people that didn’t know me at all.
* Was responsible for the first “Tokitos” meating in my town, at least 7 people showed up, it was really boring, one of the girls bought a proffesional photographer to take pictures.
* After that, never interacted in said fb group again, got angry when people wanted me to leave my position as founder of the fan club. Deleted every one from the group and changed the name to insult the girl that was going to replace me.
* Created hate pages against Hayley Williams (“she doesn’t sing good and copies cyndi lauper”) and Simone Simons (she’s a poser b***)… (Yes a lot of internalized misoginy)
* Created a fake profile using my cousin’s pictures (the one i fought over our music taste), added random people and sent a relationship request to some australian guy. He accepted and we started to talk a little, he was an electrisist or something like that. A friend of my “boyfriend” added me and started to talk to me. My “bf” deleted and blocked me. Our relationship didn’t last longer than 2 or 3 days.
* Sent family requests to members of russian band Arkona (and they accepted lol)
* Posted badly MSPaint edited pictures of mine and thought they looked legit
* Overshared about my childhood trauma on twitter where classmates followed me
* Twitted a lot of numbers and random letters because I wanted to have a higher tweet count
* Posted pictures that said that Amy Lee copied Avril Lavigne (unironicaly)
* Posted a lot of emo statuses
* Created a fake Mitch Lucker profile to have him as my husband, added fans from the official Suicide Silence page, and tried to make them believe it was the actual guy
I was 12-13 when all these things took place and I was new to this crazy internet world i was too exited lmao
gave 4-year old cousin a piggyback ride until she choked me and i feel down on top of her
"the pledge of allegiance is immoral"
"it doesn't matter if i go to a small college because i won't be popular enough to meet 1,600 people anyway"
accidentally ate sausage (i'm vegetarian)
a thing my cousin did, actually: "so, do you still read books?"
took uncle's dog on a walk. the dog then didn't want to go back inside so my aunt had to come outside and carry him in
caved to 4-year-old cousin's demands to play house underneath the dining room table while family is conversing
sat on the floor in the kitchen petting the dogs to avoid family
predicted that the seltzer bottle would explode as i was opening it, allowed it to explode anyway
was beyond fucking nice to my asshole cousin in order to establish my dominance as the better person
was the only one of my cousins over the age of 15 not to drink
while getting relationship advice from wise lawyer cousin, other cousin jumped in and ironically said to her, "you're imposing your views of monogamy" and i half-ironically said "yeah what if i'm polyamorous" (honestly i don't think i am but idk) and then things got weird and the subject changed
Tbh, I find that when you don’t make things like drugs and sex a taboo that no one should talk about, but instead educate kids about the dangers of them, they are much more responsible…. Like I never lied to my younger siblings/cousins about these things, instead I just did my best to educate them. I taught them not to mix alcohols, to always wear a condom, to be careful who you party with. And in return they are also much more open with me, I’m the only one who “officially” knows they are drinking at their parties and that some of their friends had sex.
It’s just much easier to guide teenagers when everyone is honest with each other.
C: I am kinda regretting telling my cousin about my DNA genealogy report, which I ordered a few months ago. I received my results a week ago and I told her. There were some findings that I wasn’t surprised about (the percentage of West African [Nigerian, Sudanese] and the European [Dutch, Irish and Scottish]) and there were some findings that did surprised me.
But the only thing my cousin is “enthralled” with… The fact that my great-great-great paternal grandmother was Chinese. Oh! Talk about being happier than a cat with cream! Oh my Lawd! This child is now going around telling people that she is part Chinese! Now she’s attributing her physical features and positive qualities to being close to 1/16ths of being Han Chinese!
Now here’s the kicker: this cousin is from my MATERNAL side.
I always known about my 3x great-grandmother. In fact, it was due to her record keeping that I was able to obtain a lot of information about my family.
However, I am unequivocally and undeniably a Black woman. I appreciate everything that my ancestors have done, but I am glad that I am a Black woman.