a tear escaped my eye

Jews turned out in LARGE numbers at the protest. I saw a LOT of signs showing Jewish solidarity. I think in general we tend to turn out in large numbers, but we tend to not display our Jewishness so openly. It was so moving to see Jews really openly being Jewish at this progressive protest and showing solidarity. One old woman walked up to me and squeezed my arm and thanked me for being there. Her parents were immigrants who escaped the Holocaust. I had tears in my eyes due to our encounter.

One Jewish man wearing a Star of David asked to take a picture of my sign that expressed Jewish solidarity with Muslims and shook my hand, saying shalom. Another man who was supposed to watch my sign when I went to the bathroom had picked it up and starting holding it, and explained that his grandparents were Jewish and had also escaped the Holocaust. 

Anyway, it was really amazing to see all the Jews turning out for this. I hope that we’ll be more openly Jewish in the future at these demonstrations.

This is so stressful. And there is no chocolate in the house. And I am so stressed. I am so stressed. Do you know how stressed I am?

I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you how stressed I am. I am so stressed and so desperate for chocolate that I just ate RAW COCOA OUT OF A TIN and a single tear escaped my left eye and rolled slowly down my cheek and into the cocoa because it tasted as bitter as my faith in all that was once pure in the world.

And I ate that cocoa. I ate that raw cocoa like the fool that I am. I sat and listened to the news anchors try to maintain their composure as the country warped itself into a dystopian nightmare in which it’s perfectly acceptable to eat raw, bitter cocoa out of a tin because you’ve lost all sense of meaning in your life.

Originally posted by hide-with-a-smile

Originally posted by imsinglebuttaken

Pan: Where do you think you’re going?

Y/N: I’m leaving Neverland, Peter

Pan: Why?

Y/N: Because I’m apparently more ‘trouble than I’m worth’

Pan: You now I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry words like that ever escaped my lips *Tears form in eyes*

Y/N: Come here *Opens arms*

(Not my gifs)

I don’t want you to know how hurt I am, I just keep swallowing the lumps in my throat and hope that the tears don’t escape my sad eyes..
Joker Imagine - Project 6277 PART 4

Originally posted by 666-thrones

Your P.O.V.

This was all too surreal. I was sitting next to Joker in his car and he was driving through Gotham. The ropes were around me tightly and it made my skin sore. The henchmen had put tape on my mouth, but they didn’t come in the car, so I was alone with Joker. My eyes hurt from crying and my makeup was probably all over my face. I was just watching the city as Joker drove me somewhere.

What made me feel sick was the fact that I had made out with him last night and now I was here. His hands that were now holding the fancy steering wheel had been on my boobs. Also he was driving closer to Daniel’s place, but that must have been a coincidence. My nose stung and I felt fresh tears escaping my eyes. I tried to hold a sob back by holding my breath, but it only came out louder. “Don’t cry pretty” Joker broke the silence in the car. I moved my eyes at him and stared. The tape didn’t allow me to speak. “Did they hurt you? Huh? Are you in pain?” He wanted to know as the drove. As he didn’t get an answer, he looked at me. “Oh” he rolled his eyes and then peeled off the grey tape. I bit my lips together and sniffled. “Answer me Y/N” He demanded me. I had nothing to say. For a tiny moment I thought I was on Joker’s good side but oh boy I was wrong. What the fuck was I thinking?!

Even tho I decided to shut up, I felt worried. It probably pissed him off. “Tell me ” Joker huffed and started to get annoyed. “I-It’s nothing” I barely managed to speak. “We’ll see about that” He told me mysteriously.  I moved my Y/E/C eyes from him to the window.  The sky was turning darker and I realized that we had driven past the rich area. We were in a more abandoned part of Gotham city full of factories and warehouses. “I would love to do this one thing today dollface, but the factory seems to be in use. Better luck next time” He sighed and suddenly took a U-turn. I squeezed my eyes shut because I startled. Also his words sounded so cold and pure evil.

“All this for nothing” He muttered under his breath and hit the gas pedal. I just shook my head and tried to think of happy things. But under all this pressure and fear, it was impossible. What the hell did Joker want to do in a factory?“Maybe we could go there tonight” He suggested and looked at me again. I just shrugged since I had no fucking clue of his messed up ideas. “We’ll do that then. You have work to do” He chuckled and so turned his eyes back to the road.

                                                                                                             ’‘Plans are moved! We’re going there later tonight’’ Joker yelled as soon as the elevator doors opened. We were back at the club and he took me to the highest level. Since I was tied with ropes, he had to carry me up.  The henchmen nodded and muttered something to each other. Some of them looked at me angrily and I wasn’t sure why. But on the other hand I didn’t care.

I was still in Joker’s strong arms. He kicked his office door open with his leg and walked inside. Then he shut it and put me down on a grey chair.  Silently he started to untie me from all these ropes. As the rope moved, I whined in pain. I felt blood flowing through my veins again, but my skin was sore around my wrists and my ankles. Joker stopped untying me. I noticed that he was staring at my hand. That was when I saw that I had red circles around my wrists. My skin was torn off and I had dried blood there. It was really rough then. Joker looked angry as he examined my hurt hands. Then he growled and hurried to rip the rope off from my ankles. I couldn’t do anything because he grabbed my leg and lifted my jeans only to see similar wounds.

“Fucking hell” He hissed under his breath and stood up. I watched as he grabbed his gun and walked out of his office. All I heard was an angry growl. “John move your sorry ass here right now!” Joker yelled at one of his henchmen angrily. My heart jumped to my throat as I listened to this angered psychopath. “What did I tell you about tying her?” He hissed so angrily it made me scared.

“N-Not to tie her so tight it would leave marks” The henchman repeated Joker’s words. “Exactly. Then would you like to tell why her skin is literally torn off ?” Joker’s voice was scary. It reminded me of fire for some reason. He was powerful. No words were changed. I heard a click and then a loud bang. My eyes shut tightly and I covered my ears. A loud thud made me flinch in fear. Joker had shot the guy! “If any of you screw up, you’ll end up like him” Joker warned his henchmen darkly. “Now get rid of the body” He hissed and slammed the office door shut. I bit my bottom lip and held my breath as Joker walked back to me.

He just killed a man!

My heart skipped a beat and now my chest hurt. Panic was kicking in, but I tried to calm myself. I didn’t want to get a panic attack in front of Mr. J. “Does it hurt?” He asked me rather calmly and looked at my wrists. He moved them away from my ears and that’s when I realized how tense I was. “J-Just a..” I started, but I couldn’t finish my sentence. I gasped for breath a couple times and then started trembling. At first Joker didn’t realize what was happening. My vision got blurry and I felt lightheaded. I couldn’t control my breath at all. This was just too much..

I literally witnessed someone being killed. Also the reason was me!

“Take a deep breath Y/N” Joker told me somewhat calmly. Oh I wish I could. I bit my bottom lip so hard that I could taste blood. My chest was moving harshly, but I couldn’t breathe. “Y/N..Y/N listen to me” He demanded with a steady voice. I felt his hands on my shoulders. I bet he hadn’t dealt with panic attacks before and I was afraid he’d shoot me too. “I need you to look at me” He let me know. I forced myself to look into his cold and murderous eyes. He had fresh blood on his cheek that was partly wiped off.

“I..I-I’m sorry” I told him as I gasped for breath. Joker looked kind of nervous now. He obviously needed me for something so that’s why he hadn’t killed me yet. Instead of trying to talk to me, he wrapped his arms around me and wrapped me into a warm hug. My eyes widened because it came out of the blue.His hands patted my back and slowly I came more into my senses. My chest stopped rising quickly. My eyes fell shut and I could breathe again. “It’s okay..He wasn’t worth living anyway” Joker tried to talk to me. The thing is I had never been so close to such a crime.

He pulled away just so he could face my red and glossy eyes. “I need you to be in tip top shape for tonight darling. We don’t want anyone to hurt you now do we?” He tilted his head and offered me a small smile. He reminded me more of the Joker I talked to last night. I just sniffled and tried to smile back at him. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to hurt me as long as I listened to him. But I couldn’t deny that he scared the crap out of me.

“Now how about we wash that pretty face of yours so you don’t have black lines on your face and then you could down and work with your friends? I’ll get you at midnight so we can drive. We don’t have to use ropes this time, right?” He tried to make deal. I just nodded a small nod to him. “Good” He purred and then stood up.

                                                    Ten minutes later I had fixed my face and I rode the elevator down with a henchman, Joker’s most trusted one. He walked me all the way back to the bar and that’s when I noticed how full this place was. Music was blasting just like last night and I didn’t even notice that he turned back. Rick was serving a group of young men at the bar and I decided to join him.

Yes what had happened to me was still bothering me, but I had to work. I couldn’t just leave and start crying or screaming again. Rick saw me coming and he walked towards me. “Oh my gosh..I thought you were dead” He gasped as he faced me. The word death just made me think of the henchman that died. “I’m good Rick” I lied and offered him a smile. His eyebrows puckered as he examined my face. “Have you been crying?” He asked me.

“No” I muttered coldly and avoided eye contact. “Hey Y/N..Please tell me what happened” Rick begged and pouted. I shook my head. “It’s really nothing” I tried to make him believe me, but it was useless. “Y/N..you’re dealing with the most dangerous criminal in all Gotham and probably one of scariest on earth and you’re telling me it’s nothing” He whispered and kept gazing around us so he could be sure no one was listening. His words made me feel small. He was right.“Are you sleeping with him?” He suddenly asked me. “Wow..Rick that’s not happening” I chuckled and then walked past him to the bar. I didn’t want to get him in trouble. Before Rick could follow me, some customers wanted him and he had to leave me behind.

A couple minutes passed calmly as I served customers drinks and counted their money, making sure they gave me enough. As I did my work that I was happy doing, I saw a man dressed in black with a black hoodie on his head. He seemed familiar, but I was unable to see his face since he had a hoodie on. I ignored him and then decided to pick up empty glasses from around the place.

I managed to walk outside where we had a few tables. One was full of glasses and smoked cigars. So I was about to grab them, until someone wrapped their arm around me and started walking away. I tried to stop, but I felt a strong grip on my waist. “You’re in so much trouble” A very familiar voice told me. My eyes widened and I tried to run off, but I felt him yanking my hair. “Ouch.Daniel! Let me go” I screamed, but he didn’t. I heard a car door opening and the next thing I knew, he pushed me inside. My head hit the seats and I groaned in pain.

Daniel got seated in the car and within ten seconds he was speeding on the road. Tears stung my eyes and I realized what happened. Daniel took me away from fucking work! I was supposed to meet Joker at midnight.

“You’re such a fucking slut!” He yelled and I knew he was angry. I bit my bottom lip and shut up. Daniel scared me the most in the world. He had hurt me so much. “Out of all people you decided it would be good to cheat on me with a fucking clown?” He chuckled angrily. “We’re not together Daniel. Also Joker is my boss” I tried to speak some  clear sense into his empty head, but it was useless. “You’re so dumb Y/N! You really deserve to get beaten up and punished tonight” Daniel growled as angrily as a bear. I gasped in fear. I really didn’t want him to beat me. I swear I would have rather jumped out of the car, but he had locked the doors so I couldn’t escape..

PART 5

Request 19-Home for the Holidays

I closed my laptop, failing to catch the tear that was running down my cheek. I couldn’t believe the last flight was booked fully. I missed my family more than ever at this time of year. It broke my heart to see there was no flights to America until new year. I knew my family would feel the same, I knew I should’ve booked to go earlier.

I dried my eyes as I walked down the stairs towards the kitchen. Dan had just got back from the shop and seemed in a fairly good mood so I didn’t want to upset him. In the kitchen I made myself a cup of tea and took a biscuit from the cupboard.

I set both down on the work top before wiping away a tear that escaped my eye. I knew I needed  to tell my mom and sister that I wouldn’t be there for Christmas; even the thought of that made my heart drop and my eyes flood.

“Love?” I heard from the other side of the door. I turned around to see Dan stood outside looking in. I wiped the tears from my face and beconed him in.
“You alright?” He asked wrapping his arms around me obviously noticing my tears. I nodded in his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“You sure? You looked pretty upset” He questioned breaking away from me.
“Yeah, I guess I just miss my family” I sighed in return before pulling my sleeves over my hands and wiping away the new tears that warmed my face.

He planted a small kiss on my forehead before using his thumbs to wipe away the tears that still hadn’t stopped falling. I looked up to him with a smile and got on my tip toes to give him a kiss.

Before I knew what was happening I was in floods of tears, crying into Dans chest. I felt his hand trace patterns on my back as his head rested back ontop of mine.

He pulled away again to let me explain what happened.
“It’s not fair, I just want to see them” I cried, now holding my tea to my chest. Dan lifted the tea from my grasp and walked into the lounge with me.

I sat in the corner of the sofa with Dan next to me. He reached to the table and grabbed his laptop. I continued crying into my sleeve until I heard the familiar voices.

Dans arm wrapped around my back as I started talking to her. She told me not to worry about not going over for Christmas.

After an hour of talking to my mom and sister I felt better about everything. I came to realize they were okay with me not being able to come over and I realised how lucky I was to have Dan. 

We lay together on the sofa watching Christmas films for the rest of the night before I fell asleep in Dans arms.

Sober (jelena one shot)

(Selena’s POV)
I opened my eyes only to be greeted by an empty spot next to me,he’s not here…he did it again…he left me,he used me he used me as if I were a fuckin puppet.I whipped a tear that was ready to escape from my eyes before getting out of the bed,I put on one of his shirts and went downstairs.When I spotted him making coffee my heart jumped he’s here…he’s really here.He looked at me and smiled
“Hey”-His raspy voice echoed
I couldn’t find words so I just starred at him
“I’ve made you coffee”-He said giving me a mug.I walked into the living room,he followed and we sit down on the couch
“So about last night…things got pretty crazy we were wasted and..”
He’s gonna say it.It meant nothing to him,like always.He comes here when he isn’t sober and then leaves and I’ll break.and I allow him to break me time and time again.
“I know Justin,it was just another drunken night”-My voice was shaking,I stood up unable to take it anymore,when I passed him I felt him grabbing my wrist.I stopped but I didn’t look at him,I couldn’t
“It;s that what you thought it was ?”
“It’s what always is”-I mumbled
“Sel you know that I can’t be what you want me to be right now I…”
“You what ?”-I spat finally looking at him,he immediately stood up still holding wist
“I can’t commit right now”-He mumbled
I looked away letting out a dry chuckle before looking at him again,I looked at him for a few seconds,he was desperate
“Let go”-I said looking into his eyes
“Don’t leave…please”
“Let go of my hand Justin”-I said calmly
He starred at me for a few seconds ,then his jaw clanched and he let go of my hand,I started walking to the room when his voice stopped me
“I don’t want you to leave”
I turned around to face him again
“You don’t want me to leave,you don’t want me to stay.what do you want then ? Because I’m not one of your bitches Justin.I Don’t do one night stands”
He just looked down on the floor,he started to annoy the shit out of me
“What the fuck do you want Justin speak the fuck up”-I yelled
“You God damn it”-He yelled looking up at me “I want every fucking inch of you”-He yelled “But look at me I’m a mess who fucks every girl just to get my mind off of you for 15 damn seconds”-Silence filled the room as we just looked at each other,he looked at the floor again
“I want you”-He said softly “Butt I’m a mess”-He continued,I walked up to him and kissed his lips,soon he kissed back and I wrapped my arms around his neck
“I love it when you wear my clothes”-He mumbled against my lips
Maybe he did know how to love me when he’s sober after all


I found his jumper part 13 || D.H.

First Part, Second Part, Third Part, Fourth Part, Fifth Part, Sixth Part, Seventh Part,Eighth Part, Ninth Part, Tenth Part, Eleventh Part, Twelfth Part

A/N: A little bit of drama never killed nobody right?

Word Count: 1.5K

Masterlist

I was mad. The heels of my shoes clicked on the floor as I stormed back to my room. I had every right to be mad so why did saying I was mad not feel entirely right? I turned the key and opened the door that lead to my room. Honestly I wasn’t just mad, I was disappointed. I had trusted him, I had told everybody that he actually is a really sweet guy and he promised to prove that. But what he was doing at the party kind of proved me wrong. When I closed the door behind me the first tears had escaped from the corners of my eyes. I was not only mad and disappointed, I was also devastated. My feelings for Dan were at their peak and now he was making me feel so low. It didn’t help to spot the jersey he gave to me on my bed as soon as I entered my room. I really wished that things were different. I hated the fact that I was crying, but I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I plopped down on the sofa and pressed my face against a pillow while hugging his jumper, wishing it was Dan’s body instead which was very ironic of course.

“Rose” somebody croaked, interrupting my sobs. The loud voice made me look up from my pillow. I knew it was Dan who called my name. I told myself I didn’t want to see him, but I couldn’t stop myself from looking up anyway.

He was out of breath from running after me and examined my tear stained face with concern.

Dan was searching for words, but didn’t find any. He stuttered loose syllables and then closed his mouth again. His eyes were filled with sheer panic while my heart was racing.

“Why did you do that?” I whispered hurt. Dan didn’t reply instead he stared at me and it looked like the brown of his eyes was turning into a clouded grey.

It was unsatisfying to not get any reaction from him. How hard was it to just say sorry? Maybe he was scared that I wouldn’t forgive him or maybe he didn’t know why he did it or maybe he just didn’t care. Or maybe, maybe I was wrong about him. I loud sob shook my body at the thought.

His arms weren’t there to hold me. He was still frozen and in the matter of a second my sadness turned into anger. I got up from the sofa and a wave of doubt washed over me.

“Was sleeping with me all you ever wanted out of this?” I shouted. I was shocked by how harsh my voice sounded and I was also shocked about the accusation I made. It was like I only now realized that I was having that thought as soon as those words left my lips. Funny how he had to mess up the day after I gave myself to him for the first time. Dan’s reaction was to swallow hard and stare at me.

I couldn’t take his lack of feelings. Why didn’t he fight for me?

“Where you just getting close to me so this would hurt more?” I yelled, tears now streaming down my cheeks. I felt weak although my accusations were the verbal equivalent to strong punches. The only problem was that I was punching a brick wall right now.

“Is this one of your games where you act like I mean something to you and then you forget I exist the day after?” I cried, my voice was shaking and I was close to breaking down in front of him.

His eyes had turned completely grey and although his face looked like he was being tortured he didn’t move or speak. I spotted his jumper I had cuddled with before he stormed into the room and picked it up. The soft fabric felt so familiar against my skin. I felt sick to my stomach as I replayed the time he gave the sweater to me in my head. It was raining, he confessed that he had feelings for me and he apologized. Today was so different.

“Do I mean nothing to you?”

With those words hanging in the air I threw the jumper at him with full force. It hit his chest and Dan could catch the sweater before it fell to the floor. He unbelievingly looked down onto the fabric and it seemed like the realization that he had really messed up hit him.

Out of the blue there were suddenly tears brimming in his eyes. He started sobbing loudly and his broad shoulders were shaking.

“I love you, Rose.” he blubbered out.

I was so surprised that I immediately stopped crying. I stared at him with wide eyes. This was the first time that he had used the l word.

“I’m sorry. I hate myself so much right now. I shouldn’t have agreed with him. It’s just that I felt like I had to because the whole football team consists of fuckboys. That’s how we used to celebrate and I guess I was just scared of not being a part of that team anymore. But that was stupid and I upset you. They are my friends right? They shouldn’t mind if I change my behaviour. If they do then I don’t care. The last ten minutes let me realize that the thing I fear the most is losing you. I’ve literally been paralysed from shock since I came here. Rose believe me, none of those things you said are true. You mean more than the world to me. I didn’t use you for sex or to play games with. I got close to you because I love you so damn much.”

“I love you too.” I whispered and took a few steps forward so I could take him in my arms. Dan pressed me against his heaving chest tightly and clutched onto me like I was his lifeline.

Dan stayed the night and we cuddled and talked until we fell asleep in the each others arms. I guess it wouldn’t be Dan and I if the first time we said ‘I love you’ weren’t that dramatic and meaningful. Soon we had forgotten about our first fight as a couple and when we woke up next to each other we were both the happiest people on earth because we knew that the person we loved, loved us back. And what’s more beautiful than that?

Dan took me out for breakfast that at a little coffee house near campus that morning. After that we went for a little walk in a park and talked about everything that crossed our minds. It was cold outside since it was the middle of fall and he wouldn’t let go off my hand the whole time. My cheeks were red from the coldness just like both of our noses so we headed back to Dan and Phil’s flat to warm up. As soon as we unlocked the door and entered the apartment we could hear some noises from the living room. We got rid of our coats and shoes and found Phil, Caleb and Hayley playing video games in the lounge.

“Why are you so good at this?” Caleb whined after losing against my green haired friend. Hayley just grinned and started another round.

“Oh hey, guys.” Phil exclaimed as soon as he saw us enter.

“It looks like everything is alright between you two again?” he asked carefully after the two had paused the game. Dan and I smiled at each other like total goofs and nodded our heads eagerly.

We sat down on the sofa next to our friends.

“One question Hayley, what exactly are you doing here Miss 'I hate everyone on the football team’ ?”

Seeing her hang out with Caleb and Phil was a first.

“Well, somehow I ended up all alone at the party and Phil and Caleb came over to talk to me and they are actually not that bad. Although Caleb really sucks at video games.” Hayley explained and even Caleb laughed at her last statement. We spent the rest of the day watching movies and playing video games together. It was crazy how well Hayley and Phil got along.

“I’m gonna get some snacks.” I said while Dan and Phil debated about what movie to watch.

I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave and got some drinks from the fridge as Caleb walked into the kitchen. He helped me get down four glasses from the back of the highest shelf that I couldn’t reach.

“I’m glad things are back to normal between you and Dan. I have never seen him happier than when he is with you. I’m sorry for being a jerk to you at first.” Caleb said, referring to the time when he spread those rumours about me.

“Thank you, Cal. And don’t worry about that. It’s practically forgotten.” I said and we grabbed as much snacks and drinks as we could carry and headed back to the living room to spend the rest of the night watching whatever Dan and Phil had agreed on.  

I cry over you and I don’t mean a couple of tears escaping from my eyes. I’m talking about collapsing to the floor and screaming at the moon.
—  You’re not even worth it
2
  • Warnings: none
  • y/g = your gender
    • I was trying to be more gender inclusive here. Hopefully I did okay :)
  • Masterlist here
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“Yo, mudblood! Get out of my way!” A girl, towering over a foot over me, shoved me against the wall and made my books from my bag spill out. I scrambled on the floor, trying to retrieve the books before people stepped on them. 

Tears threatened to escape my eyes, as it had already been a very stressful week. I had had five exams this week and on top of that, my boyfriend Oliver and I had a falling out. I felt alone and trapped in schoolwork, and just a little push could send me over the edge. 

“Ha! That’s what you get, you filthy, dirty, mud–” SLAM. The girl was tackled to the floor by someone, and with a cry, I shot up to step away from the scene.

“YOU– NEVER– INSULT– MY– (Y/G)FRIEND.” A familiar voice shouted between punches.

“Oliver?!” With a sweep of his brown hair, Oliver got up from pummeling the bully into the ground and wiped his sweat off on his robes. 

“Hey, y/n.” He smiled at me, and a trickle of blood inched down from his lips. 

“Oh my god, you’re hurt!” I cried, and shoving my things in my bag, hurried over to where Oliver was standing in front of the bully and her friends. They helped her up and scrambled away, glaring at Oliver.

“Sorry you had to see that side of me, love.” I threw my arms around Oliver’s middle and he pecked me lightly on the top of my head. I turned my face up to meet Oliver’s, and for the first time in a week, I stood on my tiptoes, laced my arms around his neck, and kissed him. Oliver’s hands moved down to rest on the small of my back, and perfectly synchronizing our moves, kissed me back deeply. 

Suddenly all my stress and fears lifted as I was in Oliver’s arms and I remembered why I loved him so much. He was my soulmate, someone who would always defend and love me, no matter what happened. I knew that we were both unbelievably happy to have each other back again.

Imagine Jared helping you after a break up

“You don’t have to go” I hear Shannon speaking from the bedroom door, “This is also your apartment”

“No, it isn't” I mutter, “And after what I had to witness, I can’t believe you are asking me to stay”

I hear his sigh before leaving the room. Shannon knows that he fucked everything up and I thank him for not begging me to stay.

I place the last couple of shirts on my suitcase before closing it up. I take a last look at the bedroom, noticing how out of place my luggage looks on the floor. My eyes move towards the bed, bringing me images of what I had to see just a couple of hours ago. I can feel the tears forming on my eyes, but I can’t allow myself to cry again. Shannon doesn’t deserve my tears. Just one tear escapes from my eyes before I use my sleeve to dry the rest. Just keep yourself calm for a couple of minutes more, in one hour you can cry and destroy everything that gets in front of you. But now, just keep calm.

I spent just four months on that apartment, reason why I have only two suitcases with me when I reach the living room. Shannon’s eyes travel from my luggage to my eyes, and I’m not able to hold his gaze.

“Do you need help?” He dares to ask.

I shake my head, taking my luggage and walking towards the door. I take the apartment key out of my keychain and let it drop on the small table next to the door.

“It wasn’t all my fault, you know?”

I turn around to face Shannon one last time, he looks angry and his arms are crossed on his chest.

“I may have been too busy with work, but you were the one who kept her heart looked up. I love you, but you didn’t let yourself love me back”

“That’s not true” I whisper.

“You lie to me, you lie to yourself…” Shannon shakes his head in frustration, walking towards me, stopping a few feet from where I stand, “You never loved me, and we both know the reason why”

His eyes look hurt, and for the first time since I found out what was going with Shannon, I feel guilty. I let out a smile, a hurt one, and get out of the house. There’s nothing more I can say to him, and there’s nothing that he can tell me that’s gonna fix what happened.

When I’m on the street I realize I have nowhere to go. I sold my apartment when we decided to move together, and my family was miles away from me. Shannon would have laughed at me, seeing me take my phone and dial the number that saved my ass more times than he would have wanted to.
“Hey, I was just thinking about calling Shann” I hear his happy voice from the other side of the line, “Emma and I have been thinking of having a night out”

“I’m not going” I whisper, my voice breaking.

“What? Are you alright?”

“Can you come pick me up? Something happened”

“Sure, just tell me where”

I decide that the coffee shop in the corner would be a nice place to wait, since the weather keeps getting worse by the minute.

The girl behind the counter greets me with a smile and writes my name on a cup, “Your usual Latte?” She asks me, I nod leaving a couple of bucks on the counter.

I decide to sit on the back of the place, leaving my luggage on one side. My phone is the only distraction I have for the moment, I check my emails and answer a couple of them before I hear the front door open again.

Jared enters the place and it feels like everyone turns around to see him walk inside. He is wearing his hoodie over his head, but once he takes it off I can see how messy his hair looks. With a smile glued to his lips, he walks towards my table. I allow myself a quick look at this eyes, and that’s when he notices something isn’t right.

“You’ve been crying” He whispers, leaning on the table to reach my hand, “What’s going on? Why… What’s all this luggage doing here?”

I want to answer, I want to tell him everything, but the tears get hold of my eyes and my view of his hand on mine gets blurry. In no time, I’m letting go all the pain on my chest. Jared gets up from his seat to move his chair next to mine and hold me in his arms. I can feel the beating of his heart when he puts my head against his chest. I let everything out, feeling his hands caress my hair, and his heartbeat as a lullaby.

“He cheated on me” I finally say, noticing how his hands stop caressing my hair, “I found him on our bed with a girl”

All I can hear is the intelligible conversations of the other people in the shop. Jared stays quiet, holding me for what it feels like hours. I want him to talk, to say anything, I just want to hear someone say how much they understand me. I need someone to lend me a hand, because now that I say it aloud, it hurts even more.

“Who?”

“I don’t know, it was just a girl, probably from work”

His hand starts moving again on my hair, and my heart starts to feel a bit warmer.

“You can come with me” He whispers, resting his cheek on my head, “We’ll fix this up, don’t worry”

Jared takes my luggage and takes it to car, while I sit on the passenger sit. I can see him through the rearview mirror, still hearing Shannon’s laugh in my head. Without noticing I take my hands to my face, trying to erase his laugh from my memories, trying to forget I was going to marry him.

“Ok, everything’s ready” Jared says, entering the car, “You okay?”

I nod, taking my hands off my face, giving him the most sincere smile I can. A smile appears on his face as he starts the engine.

It doesn’t takes us long to get to his apartment, the streets look awkwardly empty now that it has started to rain. Jared takes my luggage inside the building, and I follow him as we enter the elevator.

I can see his reflection through the mirror and I can’t help but ask myself how two brothers can be so different. Jared notices my eyes on his reflection and offers me a kind smile. I can’t return the smile, so I just lower my head to keep getting lost in my thoughts.

His apartment looks a bit messy, but is the kind of mess that Jared understands. Both of my suitcases end up in his guest room.

“Make yourself at home, once you are ready come to the kitchen, I’ll prepare something to eat”

I nod, sitting on the bed. Jared stares at me for a few seconds before heading towards the door.

“Jared?”

He stops, but does not turn around to look at me.

“Thank you, for everything”

It takes me an hour to set a few of my things in the drawers, get a shower and get the balls to head to the kitchen. Once again, Jared is here for me, holding me, showing me that I’m not alone. I sit in one of the stools, his eyes look away from the pan in his hands for a few seconds to look at me.

They do not have the same eyes, not even the same color, but these eyes remind of the ones that made me cry earlier. Jared seems to notice something isn’t right almost immediately.

“He called, let me finish here and we’ll talk, ok?”

I nod, feeling my body tensing at the thought of Shannon talking with Jared.

From the way Shannon and I met must have been a sign of how our relationship was doomed from the start. We were at a club, I was with friends, Shannon with his brother and Emma. We all had our eye on Jared, you just don’t find someone like him every day, and we knew that. Two of my friends tried their luck, both being rejected by the mysterious blue-eyed man. I was the only one who didn’t want to do it, and I got bored of their endless conversation about this handsome man. I end up in the bar, drinking a beer alone, when Shannon appeared by my side. He recognized me from my group of friends, and we talked about their attempts to seduce Jared. When he asked me if I was enamored by his brother too, I couldn’t say no.

Shannon knew all along that I had feelings for his brother, but that didn’t stop any of us of trying to make our relationship work. After the last couple of months, Shannon started ignoring the matter completely, and we didn’t spoke about it unless we were fighting.

When Jared finishes cooking and serving dinner, both of us sit on the dinner table. He’s too quiet, and I’m too tense.

“What did Shannon say?” I dare to ask, after two whole minutes just looking at my plate.

“He wanted to know if you were here” He says, “He also asked me if I…”

“If you what?” I ask him, even though I know what’s coming.

“If I had already fucked you”

Now that the words have finally come out of his mouth, a long sigh leaves his body. My body is more tense than before, and I feel the tears threatening their way out. My attraction for Jared was the Achilles heel of our relationship, and I wasn’t really surprised that he would ask Jared something like that.

“I’m sorry” I mutter.

“It’s alright” Jared says, holding my hand tight, “He’s hurt too, he made the wrong decision and knows it”

“Yes, but he shouldn’t…”

“Hey” He stops me, taking his other hand to hold my chin, making me look him in the eyes, “He fucked up, we both know that. Now, you need to recover from this. I’m not leaving you alone”

I nod, feeling a single tear rolling down my cheek. He’s right, I need to get over this and move on.

Jared lets go of me, asking me to try what he prepared. I nod again, trying to show a smile to let him now that I was being serious about getting better.

We don’t talk about Shannon again during dinner, Jared talks about work and how stressed he’s feeling. Emma becomes the center of our conversation at one point, even the idea of getting a dog once I find a place to live and how I should name it.

Once we finish, Jared asks me if I want to watch a movie, or just find something on tv.  I accept, there’s nothing else I  have to do. We watch the dishes first, leaving everything clean before laying on the couch. Jared searches something on netflix and we end up watching something old.

We keep our distance, laughing at times, sharing a few smiles and looks, but never touching. I just want to feel at home and forget about everything, so I end up ignoring how uncomfortable can be at times trying not to get too close to the other.

When the movie ends we stay in silence for a couple of seconds, even a minute, just looking at the credits roll.

“I should go to bed” I mumble, but not even moving an inch.

“Do you have to work tomorrow?” He asks, turning to face me. I shake my head, avoiding his eyes.

“Thanks again” I whisper one last time, finally getting up from the couch, “I’ll see you tomorrow”

I walk fast to the bedroom, leaving the door closed behind me. And, suddenly, everything comes back to my head. The tears start rolling again, my chest tightens and I feel a scream wanting to come out of my throat. My breathing turns heavy, and it’s like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. I need air, but I can’t move my body to get to the window. Out of nowhere, I can feel a pair of hands on my shoulders, and Jared’s voice trying to bring me back from my little hell.

“It’s okay, try to breath slowly” He says, doing it himself so I can imitate him.

I do as he says, being carried to the bed, and sitting on it. Jared’s hands never leave my arms and shoulders, caressing me and lifting up my head so I can see him in the eyes.

“That’s it, you are doing great”

I can feel more air going through my lungs, and my whole body starting to relax. In just a minute I’m okay, breathing normally, but feeling my body as if a truck ran over it. Jared smiles at me, caressing my hair.

“Can you stay with me?”

“I’m here for you, don’t worry” Jared whispers.

Jared nods, helping me lay on the bed. He lays by my side, getting his body close to mine, covering us both with a blanket. His heartbeat serves as my lullaby again, leading me to calmness immediately.

“Everything’s fine” He whispers again, and I believe him.

“He’s gonna make it so big someday.” I tell her as I gaze at him from a distance with full admiration. “I’m sure he’s gonna be somebody one day.”

I bite my lip as fear consumes me.

“It scares me.” I breathe so I can stifle a sob.

“What scares you?” She asks, giving me her full attention while I stare at him.

“It scares me that I won’t be the one by his side anymore when that happens.” My voice cracks as a tear escapes from my eyes which I immediately wipe away. “It scares the hell out of me that I can’t be a somebody together with him.”

—  20 out of a thousand entries i’ll be writing about you.
Intermittent Explosive Disorder

I’m a trigger. One wrong word and I’ll explode. Explode all over you. Destroy everything in my path until my knuckles bleed and my skin burns. There’s a fire in my gut, just waiting to let go. Waiting for it to take over my mind and race through my veins.
I feel powerless. I need to punch and kick, prove I’m not weak. So I do. I destroy my belongings, my home. Nothing seems enough so I keep going. Picking up and throwing, stomping, punching, kicking, scratching at my skin until my skin is bright red, smashing… destroying. Only stopping when the tears escape my eyes and I fall into a ball on the floor. My breathing rapid as it escapes. I’m shaking, pulling my arms and legs close to keep them from the biting coldness of reality. I feel like death, I feel empty. Like if I stay here no one will notice, no one will care. My fingers claw through my hair. Part of me wants to let go, thrash around and fight the other half wants out, just to be normal, not to take these pills and not to feel like I could kill. Nothing seems to work but eventually I stop. My breathing is slow and my heart beating loud in my chest but steady. I want to change, but this is the reality, this is my life. My life with IED.

“Petra…?” Heichou walks up to me, I look up, seeing his eyes down, “ He wraps an arm around my waist and brings me close to him, putting his head on my left shoulder, his breathing heavy and jagged. "H-Heichou, are you…” He shakes his head no, but I can feel hot tears going through my jacket. “I-I’m sorry Petra…” I put my hands on his arms, making sure he knows I’m here for him. “For what, Corporal?” He inhales deeply, “For not protecting as much as I should have, and… I miss you.. With me.. Alone..” I look down, tears threatening to escape my eyes, “I miss you to.. ” It really hurts, seeing humanity’s strongest.. Weak.

The sky is filled with clouds
So soft and grey
Water falls from the sky and hits the surface of this dry pavement
Soft tears escape my eyes as I walk through this grey sky
Fog clouds my vision
It is hard to see what is to come

I’m laying on the grass, the clouds are passing over my head and I find myself thinking about how this fog is similar to my future right now: it’s so uncertain and dazzling.
I can’t wait for this bad weather to go away but at the same time I’m scared for the sun to come because I just know that it won’t stay forever.

When we were young we prayed for the rain so we could see who could catch the most drops with their tongue
We rolled on grass and didn’t care about the itches that came after
We were renegades, but look at us now
We have been trained to think the same
And hate everyone who doesn’t
We hate the sun for shining
Hate the clouds for the times they give us shade
And the times they give us rain
Then we hate the rain for washing things away
But what we really hate is ourselves
For loving things that can’t be attained, like perfection
For rating ourselves on things that can’t be measured, like beauty
For trying to please things that can’t be satisfied, like people

—  Collaboration between @itsalittlebigworld, @giulswrites & @writingbykawelwa ♥