a smissmas story

Everything that is Canon

I wanted to make a little reference list for myself of all the things we canonically know about the mercenaries.

Grew up in Boston, had 7 older brothers. He was the 8th and the youngest.

He’s at least 23 (the Track Terrorizer tells us this, but given the game and comic take place in different times, he could very well have been younger when the gravel wars first started.)

This means Scout grew up in the 60’s.

Scout claims to have never met his dad.

He wears dog-tags, which implies some sort of military service. (They definitely did not belong to a deceased brother or friend, though he could be wearing them as a fashion statement. However, his hat is also military style– not a baseball cap!)

He’s the fastest runner on the team.

It’s strongly implied Spy is his dad.

Had been arrested multiple times. One time a lamp was his defender.

Grew up in AMERICA.

Calls himself Jane Doe, which is the name used for unidentified deceased females. It is probably not his real name.

He was REJECTED from every branch of the U.S military on undisclosed grounds. He never served as a soldier for the U.S or any other nation.

Toured in Poland until 1949 on a Nazi killing spree. The war ended in 1945.

He made himself medals after his tour.

He owns several pet raccoons. Some are rabid and he loves them all. (Lt. Bites)

He roomed with Merasmus for a while.

He had been naked and covered in honey more than once.


Suit is filled with asbestos. Probably has awful asbestos poisoning.

Sees the world differently from reality (Pyrovision).


Loves fire. Loves setting things on fire. Capable enough to run a major corporate business, apparently.

His real name is Tavish Degroot.

Grew up in Scotland. Abandoned by his parents.

Killed his foster parents while looking for the Loch Ness Monster. Lost his eye to Merasmus.

Real parents adopted him after he killed his foster parents. It was part of becoming a demolitions expert.

His family lives in a castle. They’re famous for their (root)beer.

Is drunk often, but is intelligent enough to know how to mix volatile chemicals effectively and efficiently.

Was, at one point, great friends with Soldier. See the WAR update.


His real name is Misha, which is short for Mikhail.

He spent two months in a Siberian Gulag. He escaped by killing and torturing all the guards. His father was killed as a counter-revolutionary.

He loves to shoot his gun.

He and Medic are good friends, implied by Meet the Medic.
He has a Ph. D in Russian literature. This implies any lack of wit he has in English is due to a language barrier.

He has three sisters (Yana, Bronislava, Zhanna), and his mother is still alive.

His real name is Dell Conagher.

He has 11 Ph.D’s.

He’s from Beecave, Texas.

His family has worked for the Mann. Co company for three generations.

He’s close with Pyro, and he and Medic seem to work with each-other on experiments (implied by expiration date).

His real name is Mundee Mundy
Grew up in Australia with his adoptive parents. He was born in New Zealand, but thanks to a complicated string of events (see Blood in the Water), he was sent to Australia.

He was a big game hunter and guide in the Australian Outback for years before joining Mann. Co.

He’s currently 30 years old in canon (see blood in the water).

Owns a van.

Unable to grow facial hair.

May be good friends with Scout, given the fist-bump in the Sound of Medicine.

Born in Stuttgart, Germany. Lived through WWII.

Was once a licensed doctor, but lost his license after REMOVING SOMEONES ENTIRE SKELETON.

Stole a catering van full of doves from the Prime Minister’s wedding. This is how he got Archimedes, one of his many pet doves.

Speaking of which, he has a lot of pet doves.

He may have a wife. This is only implied by one of Demo’s domination lines.

The medi-gun was his own design.

He would much rather hurt than heal.

It’s implied he’s good friends with Heavy in Meet the Medic.

Was NOT a Nazi. (Given the historical implications of this (all professionals HAD to be registered Nazi’s) , he would have either had to have left Germany during this time, faced imprisonment, or been a victim of the social purges).

A mystery wrapped in an enigma.
In some languages, he’s French. In others, his accent is English.

Had an affair with Scout’s Mom at some point. Heavily implied to be Scout’s missing father.

Is kind and caring towards children and others; see a Smissmas Story and Expiration Date.

Is generally a gentleman.

He spent five months in prison with Scout because of Scout.

Is one of the most well known and dangerous men in the world. The police in Teufort knew he was dangerous on sight.

Annnnd that’s all we know for SURE.