if lemony snicket wrote harry potter

Krum attacked Fleur, who responded with “Sacré bleu!” This exclamation is a phrase with many possible meanings and connotations. Literally, it translates to ‘sacred blue’, a phrase which does not appear to make much literal sense, and might lead an earwitness to suspect that the speaker is invoking some kind of nefarious coded phrase. The French invented it as a way to swear without invoking the name of God, as ‘bleu’ and ‘Dieu’ are similar sounding words, such as ‘look’ and ‘book’, or ‘code’ and ‘forebode’, or even ‘last breath’ and ‘painful death’.

This history, while fascinating, is not in fact relevant to this situation. For I, dear reader, happen to be privy to exactly what the young Miss Delacour meant when she exclaimed “Sacré bleu!”, thanks to a chance interview in a crowded fish statue three years after the fact. And so “Sacré bleu” in fact here means ‘oh fucking shit’.

When people ask me why do I get all obsessed over cartoons and fictional characters:

Me:  Because I can? 

Originally posted by giphygiff

10

For we will be wicked, and we will be fair 
And they’ll call us such names, and we really won’t care
So, go tell your Wendys, your Susans, your Janes
There’s a place they can go if they’re tired of chains

Later that night

I held an atlas in my lap

ran my fingers across the whole world

and whispered

where does it hurt?

it answered

everywhere

everywhere

everywhere.

—  Warsan Shire

If you ever feel bad about ur life remember the time very, very long ago (today) when I was incredibly stressed out for two weeks because the cool barista told me she hoped I “had an unfortunate day” every morning, so I thought she hated me. Two weeks is how long it took me to piece together that my last name is Baudelaire. Was I clued in when she told me to watch out for men with ankle tattoos? No. No, I was not.

Underappreciated Things About A Series of Unfortunate Events

I’m rereading the series right now and I have a lot of thoughts

  • the time Lemony Snicket wanted you to never, ever do something so he typed never on one page and ever over and over on the entire next page
  • he once disguised himself as a dustpan
  • the Cafe Salmonella
  • Captain Sham because his disguise is a sham geddit
  • 667 Dark Avenue
  • not really underappreciated but “If you are allergic to a thing it’s generally not a good idea to put that thing in  your mouth, particularly if that thing is cats.”
  • describes a dark place with two solid pages of black ink
  • ““I’m your waiter, Larry,” said the Baudelaires’ waiter, Larry.”
  • Sunny once said “Busheney” to mean “You’re an evil man with no concern whatsoever for other people.” (this book came out in 2003. think about it.)
  • Lemony apparently knows Robert Frost
  • “There is a writer who, like me, is often assumed dead. His name is William Shakespeare.”
  • this isn’t within the ASOUE text but once in an interview Handler was talking about times when people have been mad about the series and this one woman took umbrage about him once saying that there are times when it’s better to lie and she was like “can you name one” and he was like “nice sweater”
  • Mr. Poe was the Vice President in Charge of Coins
  • then he was the Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs
  • puts so much thought into the naming relationship between the siblings and Olaf but then “his name is Dewey cuz he works in a library I’m clocking out”
  • legit though why the fuck does a count/actor have a massive fuckin tower in his suburban backyard
  • I’m pretty sure he mentions picnicking at least once in every book and just like. why. that’s a weird coincidence. someone take the poor man on a picnic.
  • also of the like three time he mentions animals living somewhere he uses the word condominium twice and just. it’s not that notable I guess but why that specific word.
  • also remember when he stopped mid sentence and was like “I’m gonna relay a fairy tale because the message I need to say is too complex to just write down” so he tells this story about some brat prince wanting diamonds for his birthday and the end is just. lions are dangerous sometimes. like. that’s it.
  •  he just fucking namedrops Mikhail Bulgakov and Haruki Murakami and just. to what end.
  • in the town infested with crows that perch on the Nevermore Tree Olaf is disguised as Detective Dupin
  • honestly the amount of literary references here are wild
  • he once wanted to illustrate deja vu so he put in the same page twice
  • the way he defines stuff
  • this is still one of the most subtly sarcastic books I’ve ever read
  • he once used littering as a way to identify evil people
  • honestly the messages in this book are the best
    • having a rough past doesn’t excuse being a shithead
    • morality is complicated but you’ve got to try your best
    • you can stop being an ass and change if you want to and good people will be kind about it
    • like the most infuriating people are the ones who are too scared to stand up to evil stuff (Mr. Poe, Jerome, Hector, Aunt Josephine, etc.)
    • “well-read people are less likely to be evil”
  • there’s this bit in The Vile Village where the siblings are thinking about running away with Hector in his self-sustaining hot air balloon and they’re just like yeah everything sucks but we can’t just run away. there’s stuff we want to do on the ground. and I don’t know but that just shook as a kid like that has legit kept me from killing myself three or four times now.
  • the cathedral of the alleged virgin
  • there’s tons more but that’s all I can remember right now
8

“Anyone who knew Violet well could tell she was thinking hard, because her long hair was tied up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes. Violet had a real knack for inventing and building strange devices, so her brain was often filled with images of pulleys, levers, and gears, and she never wanted to be distracted by something as trivial as her hair.

Depression is not terrifying. Depression is seductive and comforting. It sticks around so long because it creates this false sense of ‘Oh, here’s where I’m safe.’
—  Patton Oswalt