a scientist is always fine

Your Guide to Science, by Carlos the Scientist

What is science?

Science is an exact knowledge of what the future holds. The Webster’s dictionary definition of science is ‘ I don’t know, but I’m trying to find out, okay?’.

What isn’t science?

  • Horses
  • Plants and nature

Types of Science

  • Modern
  • Antique
  • Reverse

What you need to do science:

  • Microscopes
  • Vials of bubbling liquid 
  • Yourself making thoughtful expressions and saying things like “Hmm.”
  • A Danger Meter
  • A meter that makes squawking sounds sometimes 
  • A row of conical flasks, beakers, and Y-tubes that you pace in front of while furiously writing Greek letters and Arabic numbers 
  • Alternatively, a row of beakers, with different colored liquids, that you stand in front of, intermittently rubbing your chin and writing down long, complex, equations
  • A device looks a lot like a big umbrella. But it’s WAY more complex and scientific than that for reasons I do not have time to explain right now.

Things you do not need to do science:

  • Books

And Remember:

A scientist is always fine

A Thought from the Latest Night Vale

You know about how, in the latest episode (episode 54: A Carnival Comes to Town) Cecil uses his immense influential power over the townspeople of Night Vale to attack a perfectly normal, benevolent carnival?

This sends me back to when Steve Carlsberg said that Carlos had been good for Cecil, that Carlos had somehow made Cecil better.

Carlos is gone now.

And Cecil just attempted to murder the entire staff of a carnival (for maybe only the reason that he CAN NOT GO to the carnival with Carlos) and he didn’t have to question his morality because, who would care? He doesn’t have to be good for Carlos anymore. Carlos has left him and he isn’t looking for a way back.

This is the most intensely questionable thing Cecil has done since he and Carlos became a possibility.

And we hardly even knew him before that. We DO NO KNOW the pre-Carlos Cecil. Who was he? What was he like?

So, what if, what IF; without Carlos, Cecil becomes something akin to a dictator? He would never out-right say it, he would never out-right admit it to himself: but he IS how the town gets its news, its political updates! So what if he changes the facts around a bit?

Cecil likes Dana but he obviously does not agree with the direction she has taken her career as mayor. She could say anything she wants, and Cecil would twist it around to better ‘protect’ or ‘defend’ the citizens of Night Vale. As that is all he ever set out to do.

And Intern Moreen sees it. That’s why she’s upset, maybe a little resigned, at the end of the broadcast. She can see it happening. 'You are a part of this Moreen! Do you not love victory over outsiders that mean us harm?’ She remembers the old Cecil and she can see him coming back.

Without Carlos, Cecil will get more and more intense: bigger things, actual casualties. But in the middle of his biggest 'expansion’ yet, Carlos comes back.

Carlos comes back, at last.

He had been watching the photos on the mountain walls, watching Cecil. He had been convinced by the masked warriors to just stay and watch for a few days, and the longer he watched, the less he wanted to come back to the man who is no longer anything like his boyfriend. But now, now Cecil has gone too far. Carlos can’t just stand back and watch the body of the man who he used to love organize these horrid, horrid things against the town he has come to think of as home.

“Cecil, this needs to stop”

The microphone drops.

after some reflection I decided that year 2 of Night Vale supplied us with the best lines ever:

  • “Did he say something?!?!?! …Was it cute??????”
  • “He is holding a cat.”

  • “Oh,” I said again, but softer, sadder – which is when he leaned forward and kissed me. Just once. Just…gently. Just before slipping out of the car and into the lab.” 

  • “Hello? Hello? I’m Cecil! Cecil Gershwin Palmer! And you cannot scare me! You cannot! You canno –…Hello?” (this was great because we found out Cecil’s actual full name)

  • “Did you know there’s a Faceless Old Woman who secretly lives in your home? It’s true! She’s there now. She’s always there, just out of your sight. Always just out of your sight.” (the first mention of the FOW!)

  • “Ahh ahh, I see. The sun is going out. Yes. A black tumor of darkness, of absence, is on the face of the brightness. The brightness is dimming. The source of all life is going, is joining the rest of us in taking today to do nothing.That’s probably not good.We should probably do something about that.But…it’s like…well, anyway. At least I got to see how Breaking Bad ended.”

  • Listeners, the only thing more terrifying than seeing the devil is no longer being able to see the devil!

  • “Trees,” she said sadly. “They are us,” she added, waving her hand lazily in the air, as if to shoo away a very slow bee.

  • “We’re getting more updates about those doors. In fact, I have a very important scientist on the phone right now. He’s at the very top of his field, a really handsome scientist!” 

  • “Sad is not the land that has no hero. Sad is the land that needs a hero.” 

  • “Not one citizen outside of Tamika and her band of brilliant, brave, children stood up to tyranny today! We all chose to stand down, and hope change would be won for us, and not by us! By someone else, we believed. A hero, we believed.But belief is only step one. Action is step two. Fighting for what you believe is step two. Solidarity is step two. Unity is step two. We did not take step two today, Night Vale!And now there will be no step three!”

  • “I’ve got guests in my studio. I don’t know how they undid my secret barricade made of cardboard signs that said “KEEP OUT!” and “SECRET ROOM!” in all caps with an exclamation point “ 

  • I’m not a hero. I’m a scientist! 
  • A scientist is always fine.

  •  Cecil, hey. Um, it’s Carlos.
  • I– I– I hate that I got your voicemail, but listen, I figured it out.


Sadly, Carlos is still in the desert – the same desert our new mayor was once trapped in. Fortunately, as Dana discovered, cell phone batteries last forever there, and there’s pretty good wifi, despite there being just vast amounts of sand and apparently, a mountain. But if our mayor can make it out fine, I think a scientist can too. Scientists are always fine.

Welcome to Night Vale

Episode 50 - Capital Campaign

me in the future buying a house: Hey these are nice doors what are they made of?

Real estate agent: Oh, these? These are a good sturdy pair of old oak doors, they-uh excuse me? Are you alright there? Why are you crying?

me, whispering: a scientist is always fine, I am perfectly fine leave me alone.

Since we learnt that Carlos said, “A scientist is always fine.” I can’t help thinking that he uses this sort of thing in a lot of excuses like, “Carlos, why are you stealing the covers?” “A scientist must always be warm, Cecil.” or “Did you just buy four different kinds of tea?” “A scientist must always have their optimum caffeine fix, Cecil.”