a raw muse

If you must leave, say so during the night when I am at my happiest. When I am dancing around the kitchen, wearing a silly apron that you bought for me because honey, then, I might and I will dance the pain away.
If you must leave, tell me in the morning when I am barely awake. Do not stop me from setting up breakfast. Let me cook for you. Let me bring you coffee. Do not hide your reasons. Give me the truth. For in the morning, when my eyes are barely open, I might shrug it off as just another nightmare.
If you must leave, please do not shed a tear and don’t be afraid to look me in the eyes. You don’t have to stay if it bothers you. Do not apologise. You do not owe me anything. I have always set you free and I will continue to do so.
If you must leave, don’t tell me that I deserve better. Don’t tell me that we weren’t meant to be. You know you’ve always been the one. You know it was always meant to be.
If you must leave, please stay gone. Do not ask my friends about me. Do not wish me on important dates. And please do not knock on the door. You know small talk with you breaks my heart. I have told you so.
And if you must leave, erase my memories. Do not look at my pictures, do not think about calling me when you’ve had a little too much to drink.
If your heart no longer holds any love for me, if your eyes do not search for me in places and if the thought of seeing me doesn’t fill your stomach with butterflies then please don’t stay. Don’t be half gone. Pack up your memories and leave completely and immediately.
—  If you must leave // Astha (via uponthisearth)

You had to wait until we were both beyond damned, didn’t you?

You couldn’t have just shrugged the next morning and said, “Look, that was a mistake and here’s why.”

You could’t have said, “Sorry, but no” instead of, “Call you later.”

You had to wait until I trusted you?

I love you so fucking much and I hate you for lying to me but I am so afraid of losing you, and my stupid heart still soars at the sound of your voice.

What have you done?

What have you done?

But the worst part is I can’t blame you.

Because I would have done the same



—  Grabbing onto an electric fence with both hands

Okay, so I’ve been thinking (dangerous, I know) and what if this ‘Hak is from Xing’ theory turns out to be true and Hak has this entire family there - like a kickass mum, an awesome dad, sisters and brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles - all of whom thought they lost him years ago??

And what if at some point they realise that their lost son has returned, and Hak sees that he does have a family, and he wasn’t left as a child because he wasn’t wanted, and that he did come from somewhere and is worth something and is important to people. And what if they all meet and his mother and father are crying over this child they thought they lost and Hak’s just so happy to find such an important part of himself. 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, this is a good thing. But… if it happens, I will cry so much. Omg, part of me hopes this (or anything remotely close) doesn’t happen because I will have to stay under my bed for days I’ll be so emotionally compromised. At the same time though… I need! *grabby hands*

I’m only human. I’m flawed. Don’t call me perfect, call me worth it. If you try to read the palms of my heart, you might be disappointed. There are no fingers and no lines. It’s ruptured glass as you moan your diamond breaths and I don’t know about this blood on the carpet. I’ll smoke, but the smog inside of my lungs, you might not like that. There’s pain in the form of water and it’s boiling point. My skin is falling off at every blink and the dark corners of my room look like a snake pit. I’m dark with a light dash of fucking help me. Can you save me?


The Visit(or) 

Featuring zenkittenblueriverdream

Shot during a workshop, many camera setups, yet I still managed to get some awesome photos: (see more over on my Commercial Photography: carlyrocksphotography