I’ve been thinking lately about recovery from my eating disorder. For months on end, I was sure that I would relapse. It wasn’t that I wanted to or even felt that strong of urges, but more that it seemed to be a thing people did, and I was stressed and depressed, and had the opportunity to, so why wouldn’t I?
For whatever reason, though, I didn’t. I kept eating normally and all that jazz. I’m almost two years into recovery. I honestly take my functioning for granted; I’ve been learning math and classical Indian dance and languages. I have showed up on exchange as much as I could, and really implemented healthy coping skills.
I was just musing about the possibility of things going downhill this summer, and then my host mom knocked on my door to give me some ice cream. I was like, oh, ice cream, great! And then I ate it, end of story. Something my old dietitian said to me once was that I was afraid of both being okay and not okay, which is probably really apt. Relapse is always a possibility, and at least for me, right now, it would be a conscious choice. To quote @velvettruce, “I am afraid that I will fail at greater things than this.” The thing is, the stakes of my life are higher now.
The focus is not on my using behaviors, but how I can (potentially) use a postposition in Hindi. Expectations are higher, and I think that’s a good thing. The idea of maintaining recovery indefinitely is overwhelming, and yet, I might as well. Relapse would give me a break; it would be safe and familiar and what-have-you, but I want better for myself. I have proven, time and time again, that I’m willing to do what it takes in order to ensure that I have a future.
Here is a rule of thumb when using a Ouija board, or any kind of spirit communication: pretend you are out somewhere and you encounter a stranger that says hello and starts to chat. What would you do? Obviously, you would say hello back and converse politely. Always treat your Ouija guests as if they were a random stranger.
If the person you were talking to were alive and you could see them, you wouldn’t:
-ask if they were the devil/an angel
-immediately ask who has a crush on you
-yell at them to leave
Or any other amateur Ouija behavior. Be a polite and decent person. Also, you don’t know if this person recently died or was experiencing trauma, they may be uncomfortable talking to you, and you provoking them could only make things worse.
You should absolutely never talk to a spirit about their death. Again, it’s a pretty raw subject for them, especially if they’re recently passed. You may be the first person they’ve communicated with in decades, the last thing they want to do is relive the most terrifying moment anyone could ever experience. The only time that it’s okay to talk about it is if the spirit says it’s okay, and it’s a spirit you’ve talked to before and feel really comfortable with.
I’ve seen posts saying it’s rude to talk about the afterlife/Heaven/whatever else is out there. They simply won’t talk about it, or they’ll just lie. No spirit is going to give out the forbidden knowledge of the afterlife. Not a single one.
And be patient with them. You might be talking to a spirit who doesn’t speak English as their first language, or they never learned to read or write. If that’s the case, I’ve found keeping a dictionary nearby really helps them out. One time I had a spirit whose spelling was miserably bad, and I set a large dictionary by the board to help them. A few minutes later, they were spelling perfectly.
The absolutely most important rule is to properly say goodbye and close the board when you’re done. Again, say goodbye as if you’re talking to a living person. Say you have to go and that you’ll talk again later, or whatever other polite way you want. Make sure they move the planchette to GOODBYE, don’t just take your fingers off. That’s the equivalent of hanging up on someone, it’s just rude. When you’re finished with the board, announce out loud that the board is closed for now, it will open up later, and could any lingering spirits please come back later. Again, politeness is the key. If you had a spirit who was rude to you, now is the time to announce that no spirits are allowed to haunt or frighten you, and as a living person you are far more powerful than them and any scare tactics they may try will be pointless. Say it with confidence.
That’s pretty much it. This post will be updated if I think of anything else. But really, act respectful and be polite. These are guests, treat them as such.
One of my friends is turning 21 in a couple of weeks, and she wants us all to head to the west and spend it with her.
But it’s my little sister’s birthday that day as I well, and I want to spend it with her and she’d be upset if I went off with my friends instead.
But my friends want me to spend it with them, and I want to but I don’t want to travel three hours for a night out when I’m exhausted and guilty over upsetting my sister, and I don’t enjoy nightclubs at all.
And now I feel like I’m being a bad friend for not going, but for my own sake I know it’s better if I don’t
I went super deep into my instagram (I’ve had it since 2010) and lawd. I used to be so lean and muscular. I have mixed feelings about it. Like overall I’m pretty happy with how I am now. Because I’ve learned to love myself in any form. Part of me is like.. damn.. I should really work harder to get back to that. But the other part of me is like.. whats the point? I mean. I need to be in the gym. For sure. Its good for me. It makes me feel good and helps me feel good about myself. But I don’t need to be as crazy about it as I used to be. I’m pretty cool with how things are now.
So… I’ve already posted the final product of editing my six emotions quite a long ago, but I also had this really pretty set of the previous version that was further edited into the final version. I originally didn’t plan to post these for various reasons, but they were sitting sadly in my gallery, too beautiful to hide, impossible to erase. Posting them is pretty pointless but I wouldn’t calm down otherwise.
Honestly my favourite thing about Taylor’s cover of Riptide is the sincerity in her voice as she sings “I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations” and not necessarily in a lover way. More in a “society pits women against each other, and pretty girls are seen to be intimidating, so it is hard to start conversations” way. I mean, it can be interpreted to be someone singing about a lover, but I think that lyric also resonates with the majority of us either way. And with Taylor as such a feminist icon, I think it really throws that into light.
Warning: this post doesn’t really have a point. If a picture of a rock doesn’t give it away, I don’t know what will.
Anyway, I came across this gem while throwing personal possessions out that I don’t need anymore, and got a good laugh out of it.
A couple weeks ago, I was trying to remember why I actually started this blog and I was drawing a blank. I didn’t really care for blogging before Tumblr, mainly because I didn’t think people actually gave a shit about what I was doing in my free time, but I came across a guy on the internet by the name of Ben Davis who inspired the shit out of me; and his journey was on Tumblr, so I figured, “hey, why not?”. So that’s that, but the rock.
The fucking rock.
He had a weight loss competition, when he was somewhat relevant on Tumblr, and I decided to give it a shot. Anyone who’s ever competed against me knows that I take competition serious. Maybe a little too serious. Whatever, that’s just me. But my girlfriend at the time joined me in this challenge and the challenge got pretty serious. Long story short, I won the whole competition, seeTHISpost, and I was told I’d get a prize for winning. Well, a long fucking time went by after the competition ended, maybe a month or two, before I actually heard from Ben about the prize I’d get. He said I should expect it shortly after we got into contact with each other, and eventually I had this heavy ass box show up at my door. I can remember opening the box, expecting some sort of trophy or something of the like, but what I found was something I did NOT expect. I’m pretty sure my gf and I said it at the same time…
“Is that a fucking rock?”
Yup, a fucking rock. And I say it to myself whenever I see it, because it was THAT kind of moment, haha.
Told you, pointless post.
On the running front, I ran 13.1 miles on Sunday, because two of my best friends were running a half-marathon and I figured, “fuck it, I’m gonna run one, too,” and pretty much drove my immune system right into the fucking ground for a few days. Pretty awesome, I know. Or dumb, depending on how you look at it. Mainly dumb.
I’ve been nursing that for a few days, but finally felt up to run today and actually had a pretty solid 4ish mile run (I couldn’t stop in the middle of Fall Out Boy’s “Phoenix”). At one point, towards the end, my pace was in the 7:30s and It felt pretty damn good. I’ll take it.