a pretty pointless post

I’ve been thinking lately about recovery from my eating disorder. For months on end, I was sure that I would relapse. It wasn’t that I wanted to or even felt that strong of urges, but more that it seemed to be a thing people did, and I was stressed and depressed, and had the opportunity to, so why wouldn’t I?

For whatever reason, though, I didn’t. I kept eating normally and all that jazz. I’m almost two years into recovery. I honestly take my functioning for granted; I’ve been learning math and classical Indian dance and languages. I have showed up on exchange as much as I could, and really implemented healthy coping skills.

I was just musing about the possibility of things going downhill this summer, and then my host mom knocked on my door to give me some ice cream. I was like, oh, ice cream, great! And then I ate it, end of story. Something my old dietitian said to me once was that I was afraid of both being okay and not okay, which is probably really apt. Relapse is always a possibility, and at least for me, right now, it would be a conscious choice. To quote @velvettruce, “I am afraid that I will fail at greater things than this.” The thing is, the stakes of my life are higher now.

The focus is not on my using behaviors, but how I can (potentially) use a postposition in Hindi. Expectations are higher, and I think that’s a good thing. The idea of maintaining recovery indefinitely is overwhelming, and yet, I might as well. Relapse would give me a break; it would be safe and familiar and what-have-you, but I want better for myself. I have proven, time and time again, that I’m willing to do what it takes in order to ensure that I have a future.


Kyoukai no Kanata & six basic emotions ver. 2

So… I’ve already posted the final product of editing my six emotions quite a long ago, but I also had this really pretty set of the previous version that was further edited into the final version. I originally didn’t plan to post these for various reasons, but they were sitting sadly in my gallery, too beautiful to hide, impossible to erase. Posting them is pretty pointless but I wouldn’t calm down otherwise.

i rewatched the first ep of voltron last night for reasons and i totally forgot that lance mentioned he went to flight school. this isnt an age discourse post i just want to point out that this is presumably separate from the garrison and the kids been flying for like… probably years, plural.

Honestly my favourite thing about Taylor’s cover of Riptide is the sincerity in her voice as she sings “I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations” and not necessarily in a lover way. More in a “society pits women against each other, and pretty girls are seen to be intimidating, so it is hard to start conversations” way. I mean, it can be interpreted to be someone singing about a lover, but I think that lyric also resonates with the majority of us either way. And with Taylor as such a feminist icon, I think it really throws that into light.

ok yes, this is a pretty pointless post because I have nooooo fucking idea what he’s referring to xD 

But I think this might be the walker that Norman was talking about that “harks back to a Daryl and Carol moment” maybe?

                      But nope, no idea what scene it’s calling back to…. 

                            Something way back in season 2 maybe? 

                                                    Season 5? 

                          Not a fucking clue, just thought I’d share. xD

In my absence I’ve managed to gain followers and now hit over 600. I don’t know how or why or what but thank you so so so much.

While that may not seem like much to all you popular Tumblr queens, it is a very big deal to me. All my Tumblr has ever been, is pointless drivel about Robin van Persie or Manchester United. With the odd giRUDE, RAF, Debae and GVDW post thrown in for good measure. Some banter, RVP, random posts about teams that aren’t Manchester United, Holland Holland Holland and other Dutch NT related pretty things, some more RVP, rants about pointless things, personal posts with far too much information, being sassy with someone I disagree with, RVP????, a little bit of uptown funk, some beautiful edits, even more RVP and many tears over Vidic, Giggs, Sir Alex, MUFC etc. Although it may be firstly your follows that I am thankful for, there is so much more to it, there’s so much that I appreciate, most importantly it’s the support. Some of the people I have met through making this Tumblr have changed my life in such a positive way. These people know who they are and to you I am eternally grateful.

I’ve encountered some deep water and truly in those darkest times I was thrown a lifeline. It was overwhelming and truly heart warming for so many people to offer advice and help in any way. I will never forget my first couple of weeks here. It helped make such a turbulent time in my life so much easier, so much calmer and it improved my wellbeing by far more than anyone realises.

The best thing about running this blog is becoming so close to people that I would never meet in my every day life. people from different countries in such beautiful parts of the world, who speak different languages, who have different beliefs, different opinions and who have lived such different lives to me. I’ve learnt so much about people, about friendship and about truly being United.

Somehow in this blog I found somewhere that I belong. Engulfed in my little red bubble with my red and white army all around me. I’m lucky to know the people that I’ve met, and to call some of those people friends, close friends, best friends - thats something I can’t explain.

Thank you all so much for following me, for putting up with me and for supporting me in any way. Even though some of you may be thousands of miles away, you have had an impact on my life and I carry your sentiments, compliments and advice with me wherever I go.

I was going to write this in alphabetical order but I honestly don’t believe I have the patience. Some of the blogs listed aren’t Manchester United related, or even football related. They are just all wonderful blogs/people/both who I believe are definitely worth a follow.

Many thanks for making the few months I’ve been here so truly enjoyable. Stay safe, take care, appreciate one another and most importantly treat others how you would wish to be treated 😘✌️

BanterSquad ~ robinvanbangme whatsthemata8 daviddebae-a you girls are part of my daily routine, tou’ve been there for me in ways I couldn’t describe. You’re the best friends that anybody could ever wish for. Such beautiful people, I am honestly the luckiest. You have made me cry with laughter, cry with happiness and cry at World Cup montage videos with me. The squad stays together and slays together. I love you guys ❤️

oldtrafford / stretfordenders ~ Rach, you run one of the best blogs I’ve encountered in this fandom. The first blog I followed and the one person that made me stay. I couldn’t ever say thanks enough for all of the support, advice and wonderful things that you have done for me. You’re so phenomenal. Don’t ever change, and don’t be afraid of showing your true colours. I love you ❤️

captainrvp / paddywhackmcnair / robinvandaddy / persieofficial / thecr7universe / ghostgoal / wlzardry / gretamaya / lumierer / coralbabyowl / arjen-robbens / amantedelcalcio / grieferion / h-ugolloris / babyshaw3 / shaw-united / ryangiggs-11 / siralexferguson / kianito-23 / ander-herrera-red-devil / l-ukeshaw / la-cordobesa / donadoroche / my-football-paradise / vamos-ramos / lukamodrich / daveshaves / punkschweinsteiger / wazzamata / princeisco / thedimariarabona / marouanefellainis / umanisti / livingnightmare / aristokate / darrenfletch / redcrestonthechest / herreras / donnerhall-darling / stevebruces / thomas-joseph-thorpe / juanderherrera / akiracherie / footballinlove / isco-esque / memphisthepie / b-wayne135 / napoleonesque / herreramufc / paddymcnairr / tryingtobreakthechains / crstianos / youngbutnotreckless / edwinvandersar / sweethomeforever / rollzreus / raddyfalcao / mothermufc / siryangiggs / andrewchan20 / idkunited / persied / persiers / scholesified / scholes-18 / marcoreddevil / gloryutd / chaosineurope / deangirlspn2005 / hot-soccer-maniac / d-degeas / cimoressen / bastille-stormers-98 / totallyfootball / broendby / solskjaered / boilingrose / degearojo / michaelcarrick / carlosvrs / rvp1983 / in-acs-and-united-we-trust / sset-in-stone / thiawgosilva / saveyourhearttonight / juanitoz / redmajestic / unitedxfan / t-d-s-delpiero / glorymanunited95 / manchesterunited4life / busbyway / yanoozai / persiex / playingfootballthebusbyway

Thank you for all continuing to follow me. You all are wonderful / have wonderful blogs.