a perfect crime

my perfect crime? I memorize the entirety of the macy’s store inventory. I then go on aliexpress.com and find exact replicas of every single purse in the store. I break in at 3am, and replace every purse with a cheaper version of the purse. I take my real purses home and open up an online store on the darknet featuring fake purses. I then sell these real purses as fake purses, making it so that when the feds catch on to my antics, they spend countless years trying to figure out who can replicate purses this well, and who is selling them. Soon an entire division of the FBI is dedicated to finding me and figuring out how my “fake” purses appear to be real. 45 years later they finally trace my ip address and break into my villa in texas and shoot me right in the leg when i attempt to flee. While this would normally not be a fatal wound, due to my constant devotion to my online fake real purse storefront i have suffered an iron deficiency for 35 years. My blood can’t clot and I start to bleed out. Turns out the woman who shot me was a girl who i made out with once in college, and she holds my dying body in her arms and asks me how my fake purses were so real. I spend the last moments of my fleeting life telling her about how every five years i break into a different Macy’s and replace all the purses, and that the purses I have been selling online for a severely discounted price were actually all real, and I have been doing this purely for the gag of it all. When my former college girlfriend gets home from work after rightfully murdering me for my crimes, she goes into her walk in closet, looks at the 13 gucci purses she owns, and realizes that they’re all fakes.

anonymous asked:

what's your perfect crime?

I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault?

No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. 

As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business.

She’s Tiffany.

I say no. We make love all night. 

In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. 

I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. 

Besides, I like the cold. 

Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police.

This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. 

She’s been waiting for me all these years; she’s never taken another lover. 

I don’t care, I don’t show up. 

I go to Berlin. 

That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

the reason the feet in skyrim games look like they’re the video game quake is because todd howard has a foot fetish

“but that makes no sense!” you exclaim, drooling, “if he had a foot fetish, wouldn’t the feet look good and not like quake?”

you see, by making the feet look like quake, he’s giving foot fetish modders a job. and they excel at their job. they will make exquisite replacement feet, far more beautiful than anything todd howard could make himself with his tiny hands. if todd made beautiful feet in the default game, he would be outed as a foot fetishist. if todd makes excessively bad feet, people will make exquisite feet beyond your imagination. todd gets beautiful feet and the world is none the wiser.

the perfect crime. 

Rating Of Every Raichu Sprite From Main Series Pokemon Games

Pokemon Red/Blue: 

Detailed for what limited pallets the gameboy had back than, slightly minamalist and simplistic in design as all gen 1 Pokemon are.  I respect this elder regardless for his original design. 9/10

Pokemon Yellow:

A PERFECT BOY!!  Look at that expression full of excitement!  I wish we could have seen more of this quality Raichu in this game.  10/10

Pokemon G/S: 

Designers, c’mon now.  This isn’t fair.  You can’t just make me choose between TWO sprites to rate!!  But if I have to choose, than I prefer 1st sprite.  He’s fat, powerful and that expression on his face just screams of smugness.  The second Raichu, however, seems to have more mischievous expression rather than aggression.  Both receive a 7/10.  

 Pokemon R/S/E/FR/LG: 

Not as fat, but I do like his “PUT EM UP, SCRUB” pose. 9/10

Pokemon D/P:

He’s finally relaxed, he’s no longer in constant attack mode!  I’m so proud of him of his comfort around others!  11/10

Pokemon Platinum: 

 I am concerned for his sudden shift in weight gain, but as long as he feels comfortable with his weight however, than so do I.  Now there’s just more of this big boy to hug. 9/10

Pokemon HG/SS: 

What a joyful expression!  An improvement to the previous 2nd gen sprites. I trust him. 10/10. 

Pokemon B/W/B2/W2:

Another quality sprite!  This one takes inspiration from the mid animation frame from 4th gen, I see!  I appreciate the reference.  Also, look at the those LEGS! 9/10

Pokemon X/Y/OR/AS

Not much detail, and I miss his expressions and pose.  He’s happy with his transcendence to 3D but I miss the little details. :( 5/10

Pokemon Sun/Moon:

NOW THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!!  The happiest boy I’ve ever seen.  Unratable, to put a number on his perfection would be a crime.  He’s not quite as chubby however, but he must be light enough to fit on his tail.  Still enjoys a Malasada every now and than.  Finally gets his time in spotlight with his new found psychic powers away from the popularity of Pikachu.  He’s even got his own Z-move!  Good job, little buddy on your rise to stardom!  

Another thing I love about TAZ, they have (accidentally or not) turned out an interpretation of elves that matches the traditional Mischievous Unknowable Tricksters much more than the Tolkien elves that DnD usually ends up with. 

Taako is the foremost example because he’s the main character, but he’s this glamorous, prickly, powerful weirdo with his own specific and slightly off-center moral code. He’s rob a corpse but not a bank. He likes doing things purely to spite other people. He refuses to do what he’s told, and will sometimes do things no one expects for seemingly random reasons. Even more than the rest of the Boys, he’s a very chaotic but in a consistent way. And he feeds off of attention, he’s an entertainer at heart. 

Jenkins seems more straight laced, but by the end of his arc he’s a trickster as well. He uses his wits and magic to play a game and that game is called “steal things and kill people”. He makes convoluted plans and even though he has a steady job seems to enjoy the thrill of the “perfect crime”. Like Taako, he’s doing this because he’s bored

Same thing with the possibly elven Sloane. She’s a principled thief in it all for the joy of the chase. She runs illegal races because she enjoys it, and she clearly likes the attention a lot. She’s not high and mighty, she’s a storm of a person who comes in and throws everything off course. She’s unpredictable but does have her own logic- Hurley has a pretty good grasp of her psyche. It’s just not quite the same logic everyone else uses. 

Then you have Lydia and Edward, who might not actually be elves but are definitely playing off of expectations of them. Human twins in the forest running a weird magical death game? Suspicious. Dwarves doing the same thing? Super suspicious. But elves are strange and capricious and live for a very long time. Sometimes they just pull stunts like that. And Lydia and Edward definitely play up their garishness and glamour, they use appearances and bright colours and music and gaudiness to distract from what they’re really doing. Only in the final battle do we see them dressing down, they’ve finally put away the props and costumes and are playing for keeps. 

They’re a lot more involved in their world and as major characters we know them a lot better, but the elves of The Adventure Zone could easily slide into myths about strange and beautiful creatures who do everything for kicks and can’t be contained or understood. 

PLEASE READ THIS AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY

WRITTEN BY A COP: Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or a loved one’s life. In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation… This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you… Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. The driver won’t see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.
DON’T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head,
and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,
LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..

If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat:
DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware:look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor ,
and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women
are attempting to get into their cars. C.) Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then,
it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked ‘for help’ into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late
and she thought it was weird.. The police told her ‘Whatever you do, DO NOT
open the door..’ The lady then said that it sounded like the baby
had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,
whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.’ He told her that they think a serial killer
has a baby’s cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby’s cries outside their doors when they’re home alone at night.

10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors! Please pass this on
This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America ’s Most Wanted when they profiled
the serial killer in Louisiana

I’d like you to forward this to all the women you know.
It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle..
I was going to send this to the ladies only,
but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc.,
you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Send this to any woman you know that may need
to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it
and it’s better to be safe than sorry..
Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life.

2

    television aesthetics: The Office
“What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.”

What is my perfect 💯crime🕵🤔? I break 👊💪into Tiffany’s 💁👸at midnight. ⏰1️⃣2️⃣ Do I go for the vault🔐💰? No 🙅👎, I go for the chandelier💡. It’s priceless😩💸💎. As I’m taking it down⬇️, a woman🙎 catches 👀😱me. She tells 🗣me to stop🖐🚷. It’s her father’s 👴👤business📈📋🗃. She’s Tiffany💁👸. I say no❌. We make love😏😩💦 all night🌃🌙. In the morning🏙☀️, the cops🚨🚔 come and I escape🏃👻 in one of their uniforms👮. I tell her to meet👫➡️ me in Mexico🇲🇽🌮, but I go to Canada🇨🇦😈. I don’t ❌😤trust🔒 her. Besides, I like the cold😏⛄️❄️. Thirty 3️⃣0️⃣years later⏲, I get a postcard📫💌. I have a son👶 and he’s the chief👆 of police👮. This is where👇 the story gets interesting👌🏻📝. I tell Tiffany 💁👸to meet me in Paris 🗼🇫🇷 by the Trocadero😜💦💦. She’s been waiting ⏱🤔for me all these years📆🗓. She’s never 🙅taken another lover👫💖👰. I don’t care🖐🙄. I don’t show up⬆️. I go ✈️to Berlin🇩🇪👨🏻. That’s where I 👁stashed 📦the chandelier.💡💎😏

cheesy pick up lines.

“You know what’s beautiful? Read the first word.”
“Are you flappy bird? Cause I could tap you all night.”
“Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!”
“I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.”
“Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.”
“I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?”
“I bet you play soccer, because you’re a keeper.”
“Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.”
“I’m not staring at your boobs. I’m staring at your heart.”
“Do you work at Starbucks? Because I like you a latte.”
“Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s'more.”
“Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.”
“I’m no organ donor but I’d be happy to give you my heart.”
“Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?”
“If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?”
“You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.”
“Do you have a name or can I call you mine?”
“Are you Google? Because I’ve just found what I’ve been searching for.”
“There’s a big sale in my bedroom right now. Clothes are now 100% off!”
“Let’s commit the perfect crime: I’ll steal you’re heart, and you’ll steal mine.”
“I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!”
“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?”
“I think there’s something wrong with my eyes because I can’t take them off you.”
“If you were a potato, you’d be a sweet one.”
“Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?”
“Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.”

What is my perfect crime? I break into Dan and Phil’s house at midnight. Do I go for their laptops? No, I drop off a dog. It’s priceless. As I’m putting it down, a man catches me. He tells me to stop. It’s his house. He’s Dan. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape. I tell him to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust him. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Dan to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. He’s been waiting for me all these years. He’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. I only went to their house to give them a dog.