a people after my own heart

remember when kaz brekker told inej ghafa he refused to be the one to mark her body after everything she had been through?? because i sure do. the tattoo was mandatory for everyone in the dregs except her bc self-proclaimed monster kaz brekker had the decency to respect her past trauma & he didnt want her to feel like anyone owned her. and the first thing he did after purchasing her indenture was get her proper clothes?? and a knife??? lbr when will your fave ever

10

Something bitter is felt in the atmosphere… it’s hard to tell with such a smiling face.

-

Part 2 is here!

After a long wait, with the help of my buddy @sparksparta, I finally bring you the first part of the comic ‘Bendy in Disney!’ Thank you everyone for your support in this comic, I have been reading your tags and they really warmed my heart! <3

- Mun’s note under cut.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Do you have any advice on how to write a grieving character? Thank you!!

Hi!

Grieving isn’t pretty. It isn’t always dramatic, either – while some people certainly do go home and throw their favorite vase against the wall, some people retreat into themselves and become emotionally unresponsive (that’s what I do). Violence or anger is more likely to occur if the death is sudden – so is retreating into an emotional shell, really, because it’s often a result of shock. But both can occur outside of a sudden death – cancer isn’t always sudden, but many people still become angry when their loved one is diagnosed with or dies because of it. Basically, if the death feels unfair in any way – if it’s sudden, or if it feels like it happened too early, such as in the case of cancer or of some sort of cardiac disaster (a heart attack, a stroke, etc) – it’s more likely to provoke anger or shock, depending on your character’s temperament and attachment to the dying/dead character.

That was just a general disclaimer. Now, onto the meat of grieving!

Firstly, grieving can begin before the person is technically dead – you don’t have to wait for the person to go flatline and physically stop breathing for your other characters to feel a sense of loss. If your character suffered a medical disaster or an accident that rendered them comatose, or if your character is obviously fighting a losing battle (again, terminal cancer comes to mind), your other characters could start grieving them even though they’re still breathing and their heart is still beating. However, the likelihood is that your characters won’t be able to really start working through the five stages of grief until your character actually does physically die, because rarely does death really hit home until it has occurred.

Speaking of the five stages of grief, those are important! They’re as follows:

  • Denial/Isolation: your characters can’t believe your dead character is really dead. This is a defense mechanism of sorts for your mind – a way to delay at least some of the pain, and give yourself time to process what’s happened (although that processing happens subconsciously, because on the surface you’re denying that anything’s happened at all). If the dead character fought a long battle with an illness before death, this stage may be expedited by the fact that your characters had time to process the character’s dying as it was happening. If the death was sudden in any way, this stage may be prolonged, because it will be harder to comprehend something that happened so quickly, and shock will be more likely to occur.
  • Anger: the pain your characters were masking in the denial stage starts to come to the surface, and as a response to the pain, your characters get angry (just as many other vulnerable emotions, such as fear, are expressed as anger – anger is a tough emotion, as opposed to fear and grief, so most people subconsciously opt for anger because it makes them feel less vulnerable). They may feel they’ve been robbed of your dead character’s companionship. Their anger may manifest itself in many different ways: isolation, irritability, or self-destructive behavior, to name a few. Their anger may also direct itself at various places: the medical professionals who failed to save your dead character’s life, God for taking your dead character, even the dead character him/herself, if they could in any way be responsible for their own death (if they were driving intoxicated, if they never ate healthily and suffered a heart attack, etc.).
  • Bargaining: before death, this stage may manifest itself as “please God, just let them live and I’ll tithe my ten percent and go to church every Sunday”, or “please, [Dying character’s name], just hold on and get better and we’ll [do that thing the dying character has always wanted to do]”. (Keep in mind that most people have an astounding impulse to be religious during a time of crisis, whether they’ve been religious in the past or not.) After death, this stage may manifest itself in the “could’ve-should’ve-would’ve” philosophy: “if only we’d taken them to the doctor sooner”, “I should’ve made him stay home”, “I knew there was something wrong with him!”, and so on. This stage is generally an attempt to regain control of the situation – your characters feel like they’re taking some kind of action by offering a proposition, or by placing blame.
  • Depression: there are two types of depression associated with grief. In the first (which is almost more similar to anxiety) your characters worry more about others: what if I haven’t been there for people when they needed me, how are we going to pay for the funeral/burial services, and so on. Basically it deals more with the practical aspects of the character’s death. The second type is more introspective – your characters may retreat into themselves and analyze old memories of your dead character, and their feelings on everything that’s happened. This type is private, and your characters probably won’t share much about their thoughts if they experience it.
  • Acceptance: this stage is marked by withdrawal and calm – it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish from depression. It’s not a stage of joyous frolicking and exclaiming, “It’s okay! I understand everything about [Dead Character’s] death!”. Your characters may still not understand the purpose of your dead character’s death, but understanding and acceptance are not synonyms, nor are they mutually inclusive. The important thing about this stage is that your characters can make peace with the death, and can move on.

Keep in mind that while I’ve listed these stages in what is regarded as their general order, every person (and character) grieves differently – they may experience these emotions in a different order than that above. They may also go through one or several of the stages more than once, or cycle through the first four of them multiple times before reaching the fifth. Some characters may not even reach the fifth at all – depending on the circumstances of the death and the character’s attachment to your dead character, they may never fully accept your dead character’s death. The stages above are just a general framework for grieving.

Also, keep in mind that if your character’s death was tied in any way to traumatic incidents for your other characters, it may complicate the grieving process for those other characters, because the character’s death will be tied to other painful or triggering memories.

I hope this helps! If you need anything else, please feel free to ask. - @authors-haven

transcript of the speech i gave at Vassar’s black baccalaureate service

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, and the Vassar class of 2017.
Just saying that aloud made me feel old. Class of 2017? Most of y'all were born after dark-skinned Aunt Viv left the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That’s wild.

I want to first thank you for allowing me to be a part of such a special moment in your lives. I am honored, privileged, and a bit in disbelief that you asked me of all people to give this address. I try not to have feelings, and I’m going to do my best not to cry today, but no promises.

I’m here to stand in the gap between you and your parents and guardians and any other elders in your lives that you stopped listening to because you thought they were wack and out of touch. I remember being in your shoes not TOO long ago, and it is my fervent prayer that something that I say here today will help you avoid some of the mess I went through.
To be honest I’m a little nervous, but I figured there was no way could this be worse than when Betsy DeVos went down to Bethune-Cookman, so let’s get started.

As you transition to life after Vassar the changes will be both inevitable and swift, so I’d like to begin by giving you some well-intentioned advice and warning you about the continued process of becoming an adult.

Keep reading

  • Symmetra: *Wakes up in a pool of blood* What... What happened? I thought we all...
  • Mercy: Died? *laughs* Heavens no! ... Well, yes. But only momentarily! Your hearts barely had time to stop beating! After Reaper broke my staff, he merely drained all of your blood. So! I just put it back in! *Pouring blood into Junkrat's chest*
  • Symmetra: I refuse to believe it's that easy.
  • Mercy: I know! Why do people even go to medical school?
  • Symmetra: Wait, how'd you separate out all the blood types?
  • Junkrat: Ha! "Different types of blood"! Sym came back stupid!
  • Mercy: Ha! Yes, what foolishness... *Whispering* Satya, I've been using my own underwear to sponge blood out of puddles. Trust me. The type is the least of your problems.
  • Symmetra: Oh God... Are we going to be okay...?
  • Mercy: I would drink plenty of water. Oh, and blood if you can find any.
  • submitted by anon
  • You: goro akechi is a terrible irredeemable character and you're horrible for liking him!
  • Me, an intellectual: Goro Akechi is an incredibly complex character who has had to put up with a lifetime of abuse and made some extremely bad, reckless decisions in his life that I doubt anyone approves of. He has an obsession with praise and acknowledgement that lead him to working with Shidou and ended up getting himself trapped there for two and a half years. There is evidence to suggest that he was heavily mentally ill and regretted his actions, especially after he found out that he could steal hearts instead of killing people. He did not have someone to guide him like the Thieves had Morgana. Yes, he is a perpetrator and I am not denying that, but he is also a victim as well who was blinded by his own selfishness, and was played by every side (Shidou, the Thieves, and Yaldabaoth all used him as a pawn) and, after some coercion, near-willingly payed the price. He's a warning, an example of what the Thieves could have been and he is my favorite character due to the complexity of his character and role in the plot, flaws and all.
  • You: ...
  • You: i can't read suddenly i dont know
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Character: Min Yoongi x reader (oc)

Genre / word count: Angst, Future Smut/Mature scenes, Arranged Marriage! AU / 7,174 words

Summary: He is the successor of his family’s business empire, and you are the female heir of yours. After the trouble his older brother had created in the past, he now must face certain requirements needed for the sake of the family’s future and to save his rights of inheritance, and you become his only way out. Everything might seem so simple, just the way they are supposed to. But everything isn’t always what it seems, is it?


Keep reading

When I was younger, my mother told me that each person has a cup of love; we empty it out and fill it up as we give and receive love. I often spilled mine over the shoelaces of boys with dimples I easily adore, over the ankles of goddesses who don’t even know my existence. As I grew up a little, I learned to keep my love in vials so that they won’t spill on the floor when I chase ex-girlfriends or strangers who merely looked at my direction. Still, I easily made these vials into gifts and hand them out to anyone who shows but a little attention.
As I grew a lot older, I eventually stopped chasing boys with plastic smiles and girls with paper hearts. I learned not to depend on other people’s affection and I filled my own cup. I guess I got tired of running after people who don’t even look behind their backs.
When I met you, you asked how did I become one strong, independent woman and I told you about the cup of love and that I only learned it from years and years of receiving leftovers when I endowed every single drop I had, so I had to fill mine. I do not deserve leftovers, you said. You will pour out the entire measure of your cup to mine so I would never fill empty again, you said.
But I never told you that although I used to always, always empty out my contents to the wrong people, my cup was still overflowing because my mother never failed to refill that which I spilled on other’s feet. By doing this, she patiently taught me how to look for people who could reciprocate what I give and when I can’t find them, I had to be the one to fill my own. That’s why when she died, I never really felt dried up even though the source of the river which always replenished my cup was gone. Because I became my own spring.
I always thought that your cracks and crevices only made you more beautiful for they were proof of how you weathered your storms. I must’ve forgotten the lessons my mother taught me because I failed to see that those cracks were not artifacts on a museum gallery–those crevices eventually became a trench making it impossible for my spring to fill. I tried to fix you. But I should have believed you when you told me that you destroy the people you love, because that was precisely what you did to me.
—  How can I fill my own when you took my entire cup, you f*cking thief? // kabalintunaan

anonymous asked:

Don't you find it ironic that Mark ask us to respect Felix even though Felix never showed us (Jewish People) any respect? I get where he is coming from but I'm sick of seeing Mark being held as some kind of messiah in the fandom.

No, I don’t find it ironic. See, it doesn’t matter how a person treats you, words are words. Standing up and being the better person is more important than falling to their level, or below, and slinging insults, stripping away their humanity over a joke. Felix did not mean to have his joke interpretted the way he did. A joke does not equal how you actually feel. Watch his video. Take away your biases for a moment and watch the video.

I see it like “Oh i’m gonna drink bleach” or “oh, you stupid little shit, i’m gonna kill you”. You don’t take those jokes seriously. And with that, seeing how there are legitimately disgusting people following Felix, that doesn’t matter, either. You are not your followers. People I disagree with followed me before I spoke out. People Felix disagree with may have left, too after he openly told them to fuck off.

Taking words to heart is bullshit in my opinion. You give meaning to those words. You allow people to speak and allow them to dig themselves their own graves. I am a free speech absolutist. I will defend ANYONE’S right to speak as long as they aren’t making bomb threats, or other threats of the sort. What Felix did was not that, simply something to point out how ridiculous those sites were. 

Censoring language is more oppressive and dictorial than allowing someone to speak. Personally, as someone with Jewish people in my family, I couldn’t give a single shit what Felix said because I’m not thin skinned and I know he didn’t truly believe in what he was saying. Dark humor is dark humor. You hate it or you love it. And censoring what people find funny is bullshit. Humor can be a way to cope, and a joke does not equal what you truly feel. Ie) Dead baby jokes.  Disney had every right to drop him, though it’s bullshit that all that hard work was lost.

Friend, I think Mark had a point. Despite this being a Markiplier blog and me kinda focusing on him everyday, I’m able to step back and realize his faults. Analyze the whole situation. People deserve to be treated civily and with respect, no matter what comes out of their mouth, again, as long as it isn’t a threat. You need to step away from this super sensitive, don’t hurt anyone’s feelings for a second and realize, that that is only causing more hatred.

We cannot fight hate with hate. We need to stand up and be bigger people, friend. Sinking down and allowing anger to control us does not make us better. We better this world by showing kindness and respect to people, even if they spit the worst of venom. What I’m seeing is hate being combated with hate, and more hate being produced. This battle is dividing us, friend. Please, take a look around at the world. How divided and hostile we’ve become towards each other. I’ve been in the center of politics for years now, and I’ve watched things be torn apart.

You don’t have to like a person, you can even hate them, to respect them and treat them like another fellow human. This isn’t about Felix right now. But people you see as your enemy, see themselves making the world a better place. They are not set out to destroy this planet. They aren’t sitting, petting a cat and twirling their mustache.

Until this site learns to treat people in a civil and respectful manner, we will only further divide and increase this tension with one another. Spreading hate over meaningless things. We don’t have long on this planet, and worrying about being victims instead of being survivors and working with each other will get us nowhere.

Top 10 moments when ACOMAF shattered my heart in the best way possible

Okay, now that I’ve spent my whole week just living and breathing about ACOMAF… re-reading ACOMAF… and just thinking about it obsessively and telling ALL my friends about it… I feel like now it is a good time to post this. I’m going to post my top 10 moments in ACOMAF where MY HEART BROKE. And I hope you guys can agree–because this fandom is one soul, and we ride and die together.  

10. When Feyre comforts Rhysand after waking him up from his nightmare.

Like first of all, OW. It just breaks my heart over and over to think about what Amarantha did to Rhys, and what scars it left behind. 

But… what broke my heart more was this:

“But–but how many nights had I wanted someone to do the same for me?” 

AND I’M JUST LIKE FEYRE SUFFERED ALONE IN THE SPRING COURT 

Because some stupid High Lord of the Spring Court just pretended to be asleep whenever she vomited her guts out, and pretended everything was all fine and dandy. You claim to love her, and yet, you let this happen. tamlin u shit bag

9. Lucien and Feyre reunion after Feyre goes to the Night Court. 

You gave up on me.” 

Look, guys, I know Lucien is not a bad person. Deep down, he is a good, troubled person who has a lot of his own scars, and I know that he does consider Feyre to be his friend and he does care about her. But he also chooses to yield to Tamlin at the end of everything. He does fight for her, but he doesn’t fight enough against Tamlin. Now, this could be because Tamlin does instill a lot of fear in Lucien–which, if it’s true, it is not a healthy friendship, even if Tam is Lucien’s High Lord. But it makes me wonder, you know. Where is our fiery Lucien, who once spat at Tamlin’s feet? I really do hope that Elain will help him change for the better. Or that he comes to this realization from himself. Man, I love Lucien, but he’s going to have to do a lot more to redeem himself. 

Because, see, even Rhys thinks that Lucien would’ve stepped in.

And this breaks Feyre’s heart, that her friend wouldn’t do this for her. And she would’ve fought for Lucien until the end, no doubt about. 

“I thought so, too” HA HA HA LET ME LIE IN MY OWN PUDDLE OF TEARS

8. The scars that remain with Rhys because of Amarantha. 

The next scene that broke my heart happens during the sexytimes between Feyre and Rhys.

Okay, just re-reading this scene is making me really emotional. So I don’t know if I’m going to be coherent enough to say this. But like, guys. I think this scene is important–and heartbreaking at the same time–because it’s a moment where Rhysand’s scars are acknowledged. Again, it is so rare in YA fiction to see a male character who has been sexually abused, and Sarah explores the scars that remain within Rhysand. And it’s also important because he’s also able to overcome these scars, and find happiness even after the darkest of times.

7. How Rhysand is treated in Velaris vs. Under the Mountain

Okay, so I like how 8 and 7 relate to each other. 

What struck me about this scene was: “no one whispered about him or spat on him or stroked him as they had Under the Mountain”

What really breaks my heart here is that it’s not just Amarantha that violated Rhys. Others did it too, because Amarantha did it, because Rhys was Amarantha’s whore, and therefore, her property. 

And this makes me really sick to my stomach. And it breaks my heart. fuck

6. Feyre realizing how sad she is at the Spring Court before her wedding. 

THIS PHYSICALLY HURTS

my poor baby Feyre 

I spent a good portion of time during the beginning of the novel wanting to wrap her in a warm blanket, hug her, and tell her it’s okay. 

And Tamlin, CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS, is able to laugh freely. I’m gonna fight him

Even Rhys in Chapter 11 goes: “Months and months, and you’re still a ghost. Does no one there ask what the hell is happening? Does your High Lord simply not care?” (Shall we count this as like an honourable mention moment for when my heart broke into a million pieces… again) 

ha ha ha ha let me DIE my heart can’t take this 

5. Rhysand asks Feyre about her birthday. 

This isn’t a sad scene, but it still moved me and broke my heart because you can obviously tell how much Rhys loves Feyre.

FEYRE’S BIRTHDAY IS THE WINTER SOLSTICE

THE LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR 

“YOU WERE TRULY BORN ON THE WINTER SOLSTICE?” 

YES RHYS MY SMOL SON YOUR MATE WAS BORN ON THE LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR YES YOU TRULY BELONG TOGETHER

But also, like. Rhys seems genuinely sad that Feyre did not celebrate her birthday. Do I foresee belated birthday gift/party in ACOTAR 3? Because yes I will sell my soul for this 

4. Feyre walking away from Rhysand after learning about the mating bond

Okay, no, I totally understand why Feyre is angry enough that she wants some time alone away from Rhysand once she learns from the Suriel that they’re mates. I’ve seen people hating on her for it… but c’mon. Really? You don’t think you’d be angry? Angry enough to walk away? I mean I’d want my own space to think too

But yeah it still broke my heart because Rhysand just calls after her… injured and weakened… ahaha…..ha…. why…

Now we’re rolling into the final 3… and honestly, these broke my heart the most and made me cry. I still want to weep when I think about them. 

3. Rhysand noticing Feyre’s weight loss 

He cares so much about her. *UGLY WAILING* *falls to the floor*

And he makes sure she eats properly. And wants to have breakfast with her. 

RHYSAND YOU PRECIOUS SOUL

cue ugly sobbing, with the snot and everything 

rhysand calling tam out on his shitty behaviour

2. Cassian and Feyre training 

This is still one of my favourite scenes, and I … just. The whole scene leading up to it is an emotional roller coaster–Cassian saying that he’s there for Feyre if she wants to talk about leaving the Spring Court, the whole “I’m fine” thing, and how Feyre just realizes she did everything for Tamlin… and he just…. left her to suffer alone.

He’s ready to take the blow. 

CASSIAN WOULD TAKE THE BLOW. 

BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT FEYRE AND WANTS TO HELP HER COPE. 

BECAUSE HE UNDERSTANDS.

Rhys is precious, Cassian is precious….. the whole Night Court squad is precious. I just love them so muchhhhhhh. 

And now. .  . okay. 

The final scene had me in full blown tears. 

1. Amren x Feyre 

SHE ASKS RHYS THIS LIKE 3 TIMES

SHE DEMANDS TO KNOW WHERE FEYRE IS 

AND AND AND AMREN ISN’T ALWAYS VOCAL ABOUT HER FEELINGS AND SHE’S SCARY AND SHE’S VICIOUS

BUT SHE LOVES FEYRE

I JUST

IT’S THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH AMREN–AND THE REST OF THE COURT–ALSO LOVE FEYRE, A FELLOW DREAMER 

I’M DEAD 

D E A D 

LOWER ME TO THE GROUND 

This post also made me very emotional again. Thanks for reading. And if you know want to discuss ACOMAF with me, and the scenes that broke your heart (because there are like 10 million more)… feel free to shoot me a message. 

I’m gonna go read ACOMAF some more and cry by e 

About that neck touch...

So after spending way more of my life than is probably healthy looking at and analyzing every single shot from this episode that could possibly be construed at Destiel-related, even a TINY BIT, I realized that there is one shot people seem to not discuss very much…

Now. I know what you’re saying–”but we’ve TALKED about the hand-holding!” And yes, my friends, hands touching are always worth discussing (and discussing…and discussing…), but what I want to talk about is Dean’s OTHER hand…

Now…I am a theater child. I grew up doing shows. And I know that actors tend to be touchy-feely people, even when they are just friends. It’s what they do. My friends and I had no problem treating one another like armchairs half of the time, sitting in one another’s laps, leaning our heads on each others’ shoulders. So whenever people start pointing at some of these touches as evidence of Destiel, one part of me gets very excited, while the other part says “now hang on, you and your friends totally did this same stuff and it didn’t mean anything other than that you were friends.”

But.

In this shot, Dean doesn’t JUST touch Cas’s hand, or even his back. From what I can see of this shot, he puts his hand on the lower part of Cas’s neck. Now even I, my touchy-feely-theater-person-self, would never have touched the back of a friend’s neck. That is just getting a little bit too intimate for friendship. That is not what friends do, even the most lovey ones.

That is what my boyfriend does.

Note, too, how Dean’s hand lingers on Cas’s neck (or upper back, as he does seem to slide it down slightly after the initial contact). He maintains contact until Cas breaks it to turn around, a gesture of comfort both for Cas and himself, of reminding himself that Cas is here and is really okay.

Folks, this is not the touch of someone who is just a friend, nor is it an unintentional gesture made by actors who are just doing what touchy people do. This is the gesture shared by two characters who are much, much closer than just friends. And it, even more than the hand-clasping, set my heart to fluttering :).

Had a Gency soap opera tonight!

I was playing Mercy in quick play and my team could NOT get their shit together and attack properly, so in the last minute or so I gave up and used the sit emote in the middle ground between points. Enemy Genji and Mercy came up to us and said hello and we all just screwed around for a bit. Then the enemy team unleashed ALL of their ults on us at once - I was the first to die. The clock ran out just as I was running out of spawn and lo and behold the enemy Genji was there to meet me. But he killed me completely unnecessarily.

I called him out in all chat and he said, “You left me!” And at first I was confused and then I realized it was because I’d DIED and left him.

“YOUR TEAM KILLED ME”

“You left me :’(”

“I left you for like 30 sec so you murder me??”

Neither of us switches our queue and we end up against each other again. Enemy Genji complains that we aren’t on the same team in all chat.

“No no no! We’re not together!”

“You murdered me.”

“Please baby I’m a changed man! Don’t leave me again!”

And so on and so forth lol. We stayed in the same queue and kept getting placed on opposite teams - much to his dismay. On Volskaya, he accidentally killed me twice and was very upset by it - I chastised him and told him I had a new Genji (one of my teammates just so happened to have switched to Genji at the time). He begged me not to leave him again.

He got potg at one point with his ult and all of us watched him run around murdering my teammates. During this time we could all clearly see him turn, see me, then turn away and go after someone else.

“See how I didn’t go after you there?”

“I saw”

One of his teammates: “Dude she got a rez after that you should have killed her.”

“Nah, I’d rather her rez.”

((Side note: I ended up getting 7 votes on my card at the end of that game because I was getting multiple triple and quad-rez))

Finally after several matches, we got put on the same team. 

“asdjf;asldkfja;dfljkasdf FINALLY!! THE STARS HAVE ALIGNED!”

We proceeded to kick butt - he was pretty good at surviving on his own, but when he needed heals he would always come back to me when asking (and he only asked twice and always said thank you). He also tried to protect me when he could and even killed people that had just killed me to avenge my death.

Overall, my best experience with a Genji yet - so much fun! And my shipper heart was soaring! <3

SMILEY WILLIAM THOUGH

The way he looked so damn happy the whole way through that scene has literally just made my heart burst. Honestly I think it’s the most we’ve ever seen him smile and it’s right there beside Noora and her funny roommates. Literally he’s just the cutest kid ever and he looks so happy and free after finally choosing Noora and choosing himself and his own happiness instead of trying to impress people and ahhh it’s his new little familyyy

anonymous asked:

I NEED a BLURB ABOUT HOLDING HARRY BC HE is sad about his performance and you comfort him pleaseeee

Here you go, have some fluff :)


Saturday Night

He was nervous.

He didn’t want me or anyone else to know he was, but I could tell. And who wouldn’t be? It was his first performance in over a year, and his first ever as a solo artist. I would have been nothing but a ball of nerves if it were me. He’d paced back and forth in the green room, spreading his fingers out as far as they would go, bringing them back into a fist over and over again, repeating the cycle each time he’d make it to the other end of the room and turn around on his heels.

I’d sat quietly on the sofa, nibbling on the display of fruit and crackers that sat in the middle of the coffee table. I was nervous too, but I said nothing unless it was to reply to a question, giving him the most space I possibly could. I’d asked him earlier if he would rather I took a seat in the audience, but he assured me he wanted me backstage, waiting for his return. Though he never expressed why exactly, I took it to mean he wanted me to be there for him, for him to see my face and perhaps share an embrace after he’d walked off stage, and I took comfort in that.

I’d watched his first performance on the monitor in the green room, sitting on the edge of my seat, my hands tucked underneath my thighs as I bit my bottom lip. By the end of the song, I’d felt my eyes well up, quickly wiping them away with the back of my hand before he saw. I could tell as soon as he walked in that he was less than pleased with himself. He’d missed a couple of notes, his voice raspier than usual from all the practicing, and once he’d even had to drop a word at the end of the phrase due to lack of air. I knew he had to be mentally scolding himself. But I’d thought it was flawless. He’d done it. He was Harry Styles, rockstar.

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I chose, I chose letting you come into my life and making a mess of it. I knew what I was doing, I knew what I was getting into, and yet, I decided to continue to give you the power of building me or destroying me. It seems you chose too, and it was not in my favor. It seems as if each time I try to trust someone with my heart they choose to reject it. I thought with you it would be different, that probably I would be the one who would break your heart, but once again I was mistaken, I got attached and you decided to walk away. You helped me put my hopes up, you taught me how to care for you, and then decided you were not ready for whatever this was, maybe it was not enough for you, or maybe it was too much. The real reason why you walked away, I will never know, because you shut yourself and avoided me, I wanted an explanation, I needed an explanation, I thought that it was my fault, sometimes i still think it is. You left me hanging from an infinite that never came, I stood there waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to pick me up from the ground, for you to tell me, me and my heart were going to be fine, I was waiting for you to come tell me something at all. I will be ok eventually, I have always gotten better after a failure in love, I will have to add this one to the list. It was good while it lasted. I won’t say you broke my heart, but I will say you cracked it. It will get a scar from this experience, but it will help it be stronger for the next time. You didn’t break me, after all I gave you the way in.  

I am more than what meets the eye, I appear as the cold hearted woman most people are too afraid to get close to, I made my own image, I am conscious of the what I project, I planned it to be this way because I was tired of people breaking me every time. I told you that before we started, how every man had played with my feelings and my lips, how after each was done they had walked away from me, never looking back. I told you I had a difficult time believing in love because all of my stories had ended badly, for me at least, and you promised me you wouldn’t do that, you told me you were not capable of breaking my heart, that I was going to become your everything, the person you cared about the most. You broke your promise, you left, just like the rest of them. How am I supposed to keep believing that something wonderful will happen to me if every time I try I fail? I have told myself that I will be my own savior, but it is exhausting, fighting always for myself. I don’t need someone, you know that, but I want someone with whom I can share some of the weight. I wanted someone to help me carry my burdens before they buried me, but now i have the feeling that I will have to keep carrying them on my own.

I chose to let you in and I don’t regret my choice, I don’t know if I would do it again, because as hard as it is for me to admit it, it hurts, badly.

—  A.G

So it’s Yom HaShoah today (that’s Holocaust Remembrance Day for the goy in the room) and I’ve been trying to think of something meaningful or insightful to say for most of yesterday. I’m sure most of the people who follow me aren’t Jewish and that’s fine, but because you’re not you will never understand the mental space the Holocaust takes up for us. I think about it all the time, it’s place in a wider Jewish story. In 2015 the world Jewish population finally reached the same level as it was in 1939. Think about that for a moment, it took us over 70 years to recover. When my Grandfather the son of European immigrants was born in 1924 there were about 9,500,000 Jews living in Europe, today 93 years later there are 1.4 million, in the countries of Eastern Europe there were 4.7 million Jews before the war, 867,000 in 1945 and only 70,000 today. Poland was 10% Jewish over 3 million Jews, speaking their own language, Yiddish. 90% of Polands Jews died, today only about 80,000 Jews live in Poland after 800 years as the beating heart of European Jewry. Yiddish went from 10 million native speakers to an all but dead language. The world of my great-grandparents is gone, I can never go back to where they came from because it’s gone, in the blink of an eye. However in some ways their world is alive and well, tonight, the night of Yom HaShoah over 7 million French people voted for a party founded by an anti-semitic fascist Holocaust denier. His Daughter that party’s candidate for President, the person over 7 million French voters wanted as their President, just this week denied any French responsibility for the deportation of France’s Jews to death camps. She gets to be in the run off election in two weeks and polls say 40% of French people will vote for her, she wants to BAN the wearing of Yarmulkes in public. And today of all days France choose not to reject her but move her forward. Never Again means Never Forget. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
The women of the walking dead are so much stronger-willed than the men. Michonne never lost her will to fight, even after losing her family. Rosita was willing to shoot at Negan point-blank.
Maggie stood up after watching her husband be brutally murdered, while very sick, and told Rick to fight. Sasha had watched Abraham die in front of her, and she still made it her priority to comfort Rosita and then get Maggie to Hilltop. Carol is strong willed in living her life by her rules, and nobody else’s. Tara lost her girlfriend, fought her way back to her family, watched two people get slaughtered in front of her in her home, and still volunteered to take the blame for the bullet.
Point is, the women of the walking dead own my heart and soul.

what broke my heart the most

When Isak returned to school after a week, there were people in school who noticed him. 

Emma noticed him when he walked through the school yard. Even’s eyes never left him the moment he saw Isak.

Today, when Sana, like Isak, walked through the schoolyard, no one noticed her.

I think the reason everything was in slow-motion when Sana walked through the schoolyard was to emphasise how invisible Sana is to the people in her world now.

Everyone is doing their own things. Everyone is with their own groups of friends. 

Sana walked past all of them and no one turned to look at her. When she finally reaches where her friends are standing, the first thing they ask is about the russ bus. Not about why Sana was missing in action for the past ten days. No one asked her how she is feeling. 

This is how isolated Sana is now. 

I think I’m comfortable taking the blame for the things I did to us. Maybe I was a bit childish at times. My love for you was so sudden and took me aback at how real it felt. It felt so pure, a feeling that soaked into my pores and glistened in my smile. It was something I never knew, and more importantly never wanted to let go of. I thought all of that was you. 

But it wasn’t you. You were not love, the word, the noun. I might’ve been in love with you, but you were not love itself. I confused myself in thinking that without you, I would no longer feel love in the same way, in the same pure and glistening way you showed me. And maybe that’s true, it’s expected to love people a bit differently after your heart has been repeatedly treated as if it is stronger than capable. First loves can’t compare to seconds and thirds. Every love we feel is different, in some dark and light ways. We learn and we grow with others and on our own. Theres no way we can love people the same if we grow up during the process. 

I shouldn’t have made myself feel that my life was dependent on you. That was my mistake that inevitably bled into you. You are simply a person, a soul, a body, as am I. You felt too responsible for my happiness, and ended up staying in fear of watching me drown without you. But while attempting to find pieces of myself I thought I lost when you left me, I realized maybe I did lose myself in you a little. It’s like I gave you too much of the good in me when I didn’t get it back, but I was selfless. I always tried to be my best for you, even if I wasn’t. I gave up on trying for people after you left because I felt that my biggest effort to love you wasn’t even worth it. 

But that’s not how heartbreak works. I couldn’t just stop caring for people because I felt so broken. I just hid it well. I still care too much for people, but don’t make it as obvious in fear of being seen as the vulnerable I was with you.

The type of naive vulnerability I hope to never feel again. You might’ve taught me how to love and feel it back, but more importantly through it all I learned giving my full self to another person will never be worth it. 

“My older brother was very small and frail in the sixth grade, but one time his teacher slapped him across the face. At first, the teacher admitted the mistake and my father forgave the teacher. But after awhile my brother seemed to have problems with his hearing, so we got it checked out at the hospital. It turned out that his cochlea nerve was completely dead, so he’d lost hearing in one ear. We took the medical results to the school, but suddenly they went back on their word. From that day on, my father fought a legal battle for five, six years on his own with what little money we had, without a lawyer. We handed out letters around the city pleading our case, but then the school also began spreading flyers accusing our family of being a bunch of frauds. Watching my mother faint several times made me want to kill someone, even as a little third grader. But eventually, I heard that the teacher quit teaching and, after being sentenced to one year in jail, went into a mental institution. When I was young, my heart was always plotting revenge, but as time passed by, I saw that people who do wrong eventually end up paying for their actions.”

“저희 형이 6학년 때 굉장히 작고 여렸는데 교사한테 뺨을 맞은 적이 있어요. 처음에는 교사 측에서 잘못을 시인했고 저희 아버지께서 용서해주셨어요. 그런데 형이 청력에 문제가 생긴 것 같아서 병원에서 검사를 받아보니 달팽이관 신경이 아예 죽어서 한 쪽 청력을 완전히 잃게 된 거에요. 그 검사 결과를 가지고 학교를 찾아갔더니 갑자기 발뺌을 하더라구요. 그때부터 넉넉치 않은 형편에 변호사 없이 아버지께서는 5,6년 동안 혼자 법정에서 싸우셨어요. 저희 집에서 호소문 같은 것도 시내에 뿌리고 다녔는데 학교에서 똑같이 저희 가족이 집단 사기꾼이라고 광고 전단지를 뿌리고 다니더라구요. 엄마가 몇 번씩 기절하는 모습을 보면서 초등학교 3학년이라는 어린 나이에도 누군가를 죽이고 싶단 생각까지 했죠. 하지만 결국에 그 교사는 교직 생활도 그만뒀고 1년 넘는 징역 선고를 받은 이후 정신 병원에 있다고 하더라고요. 어릴 때는 항상 복수해야겠단 마음을 품었었는데 시간이 지나고 보니 결국 죄를 지은 사람은 그 죗값을 치르더라구요. ”