i hope this doesn't sound weird but reading what you said about death, and thinking about it in a more subjective way has helped me start to come to terms with my dad's illness. i'm slowly become less resentful toward it and acknowledging it in a different light. so thank you
Hey, I’ve been thinking about your ask all day (and a couple of others like it - anon with leukemia, I think my reply got eaten by Tumblr) and I’m sorry I’m just getting to it now.
I’m sorry about your dad, man. I’m not very good at offering comfort, but I’m humbled to know that I’ve helped you deal with it, even just a little.
I don’t know if it’s any use to you, but when it comes to thinking about mortality and loved ones, I find it comforting to stop thinking about time as strictly linear. If you’ve read ‘Slaughterhouse 5’ or seen ‘Arrival’, you know what I mean by that. What we think of as “the present” is merely our consciousness experiencing recollection and anticipation in equal measure - we cannot experience a single moment in isolation, because our senses and cognition are always playing catch-up and guess-ahead. “Past” and “future” are just matters of perspective. Each moment is as real and as valid as any other moment - they don’t undo one another. A lifetime is like a book - birth at the beginning, death at the end. Sure, we can only read one page at a time, but those other pages are still real. There are many chapters of health and happiness that made it into the book, and isn’t that what really matters? Maybe a happy ending means getting to look back and see that whole book - letters, words, sentences, pages, chapters - and realize, “My god, that’s all real. That’s mine. My story is written across the cosmos, will always be written, has always been written… and it’s worth reading again.” Maybe if we could learn to think of our lives holistically, even if we aren’t currently aware of all the details, we’d be less afraid of the end. In some sense, you are always being born, and you are always dying - but you’re also always falling in love, eating chocolate, meeting your best friend, laughing so hard you pee a little, watching an excellent film for the first time, catching a butterfly, having a child, getting married - all the moments you’ve ever felt were good or important or right, are always part of the whole of Existence. It’s worth trying to fill your lifetime with excitement and love and good experiences.